MY ADRIAN

“You should go. I have a lot to finish,” Cole says while diverting his eyes to his work.

I try to draw close to his desk. “How about a kiss?”

“We cannot be intimate on school grounds anymore, Lilac.” His tone sounds harsh, pissed even.

“Okay…” I pull back. “Fine. I’ll… see you at your apartment, then?”

Cole takes time to nod a response, and he isn’t still looking at me.

I don’t know… I don’t get this new attitude of his. Is it that he’s trying not to show that he’s angry, or he’s just plain pissed at me?

Anyways, I leave his office, and I meet the students crowded in the hallway.

Walking through them, I try to shut out their voices and keep my eyes focused on my way, but that proves impossible.

It’s as if everyone is talking at my face. My vision blurs, clangor attacks my hearing, yet that doesn’t mean I don’t see the faces zooming in on mine, or the gazes that have become sharper, or the loud whispers that intone their displeasure.

“You’re just a student!” they say.

“Dating your lecturer? Gross!”

“Did you hear? She admitted it…”

“Of course she did. Desperate much?”

“She wants high grades in literature. It’s her worse course, after all.”

“Figures.”

I don’t know how I find myself walking out of the school environment and hailing a cab home.

I need to leave. I need to escape it all—the students, Cole's sudden cut attitude. Everything.

My corner of the world grows more silent by the hour. Getting home makes it all worse, as I’ve been lying in my bed for about three hours now and I’ve not received one text message from Cole.

Every time it strikes 5 minutes, I check my phone. Nothing. No DMs from social media. No calls. Absolute quietness from him.

Is he ignoring me? Is he mad at me? But why will he be mad at me, and why will he ignore me? I thought we were in this together. I thought we were supposed to fight this as a couple.

The doorbell rings, and I don’t waste a second in checking out who is at the door.

As my fingers wrap around the doorknob, my heart beats rapidly, dripping with excitement, fear, and nervousness at the same time.

I’m excited that it could be Cole, but I’m also nervous to face him, as much as I’m afraid it may not be him.

The truth unveils before me when I open the door.

“Lilac Stone?” the strange man who is holding a box while standing on the threshold asks with a smile.

Now I can’t begin to decipher my disappointment. “That’s me.”

“You’ve got mail.” The man hands me a letter.

I quickly receive it with the suspense of what could be inside. Is it Cole’s goodbye letter? 

But it isn’t.

What’s written on the envelope is ‘National School Of Art & Science, Rockland.’

I sigh as my shoulder drops. I’m not ready to open the letter yet. It’s an application I made concerning my teaching internship in a school two countries away from mine. I guess it’s their response, and I really do not want more disappointments on a day like this.

“Thank you,” I say to the mail man before shutting the door and dumping the letter in a drawer.

I use the entire day and night contemplating whether to message or call Cole myself, but I’m scared of his reaction—his tone at school wasn’t good at all—so I chicken out.

Now I’m worried about school. It’s now 3:50AM, but one part of me tells me not to go. That mind tells me to avoid the embarrassment and just drop out. Find another school to go.

However, the other mind chides me. There’s nothing wrong with dating a person I like irrespective of age, job, or rank. I mean, I’m a freaking adult. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do or intimidate me into doing what I don’t want.

So, on the brighter side, I’ll go to school today. I may meet Cole there—it takes time to hand over, so he would still be processing his leave. In fact, I’m calling him now.

I pick up my phone and call him. However, he doesn’t pick up. Maybe he’s having his bath or doing something. Let me give it some time while I prepare for school myself.

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I feel very exuberant and positive as I run up the front stairs of the school building. I have my headset on, which blares loud pop music into my ears, and I have my sunglasses on.

Now I see fewer of the judgey expressions and hear nothing close to spite. I’m bound to gather more positive energy around me.

Lectures go on as usual. We do not have literature today, but I will take a small trip to Cole’s office regardless.

I knock on the office door several times with no response. I even attempt going in but find it’s locked.

Someone taps my shoulder, and I whip around, shocked. Much to my disappointment, a girl stands in front of me. She says something, which I don’t hear due to the headset, so I turn it off.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she repeats.

“Uh… why?” I ask, not sure of why this girl, who I don’t even know, thinks she has the right to tell me what to do and what not to do.

“You’ve cost us one best lecturer; don’t you think it’s enough? You should leave. This situation has already caused enough damage.”

I can’t help but blink in confusion. The guts of this girl! “I’m sorry… who are you?”

“I’m in the same faculty as you, and Dr. Cole was my best lecturer. Now he’s gone.”

“Gone… as in… he’s not in school today?”

“No. He rounded off everything yesterday and left. A few of us organized an impromptu goodbye event for him.”

Oh… something like that happened, and I left school early yesterday. I missed my chance of actually talking to him. Or… I haven’t completely. I have to rush to his apartment!

Gosh! Why didn’t I do that since?

Anyone who saw me running would think there was a life-and-death emergency. But… yes, there is a life-and-death emergency. Because if I don’t catch up with Cole, I don’t know what I’ll do. 

I think I’ve fallen completely for him. I think I’ve sewn him into the patchy pieces of my life and made myself one with him.

I can’t bear to lose him. I just can’t.

My tears rush down like a stream even in the cab. I see the driver peeking at me a few times through the rearview mirror. But I don’t care. All I want now is Cole. My Adrian.

The moment I reach his apartment, I hurry out of the cab even as the driver calls for me to pay him.

I use the doorbell, but my patience has run low, so I bang on the door instead. “Cole, please open the door; it’s Lilac!”

No response.

“Cole? COLE! FUCK!” I kick whatever is next to me as my fingers dig into my hair. Now I’m bursting out into full-blown tears.

Through the glassy view of my tears, I see the cab driver standing against the rail. There’s also a neighbor at the next door peeking out from her door.

“Could you keep it down?” she snaps.

I ignore her, crouching down, my fingers still dug in my hair as I bawl my eyes out.

“Did something happen to Adrian? He moved out quickly last night,” the neighbor says again. This time her voice is softer. She sounds concerned.

If only she knew I can’t form words; neither do I want to.

Song I listened to while writing:

Next To Me (Jordan Rodrigues)