Esmerelda Sleuth: The Journal (Book 4)

“It’s only been a few weeks since your return.  I can’t believe you’re taking cases already.”

I watched as my handsome friend and former lover slid his large frame onto the sofa. I’d been successfully avoiding being alone with Killian since he’d picked Nora, me, and Lance up from Tillman’s house after our escape from an alternate dimension where I’d been forced to serve the dark lord, Marduke.  I knew I would eventually have to speak with him.  It was just that I had no idea what to say.  How could I explain my feelings for him when I couldn’t understand -or even deal with- them myself? 

I loved Lance.  He was my soulmate on so many levels.  Unfortunately, during his absence and my not knowing if we would ever be together again, I’d fallen in love with the man who I’d befriended.  Friendship at the base of a love affair made for a solid foundation.  It wasn’t easy to ignore, but ignore it I must.  I didn’t live in a society where women could have multiple husbands.  Even if I did, the two men that I loved would never agree with it.

The fact was that no matter how I felt about Killian, I was a married woman whose husband had reunited with after suffering a separation that neither of us wanted.  Since my basic nature is to be monogamous and I’ve always taken pride and great pains in honoring my word, my husband’s return was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow even if I didn’t actually love him.   Of course, I did love him.  Being faithful should have come easy, but it didn’t.

I’d found my mind tormented and confused since Lance’s return.  Killian had insisted on remaining in residence, giving one excuse after the other as to his reasoning.  I hadn’t the heart to kick him out.  Nor was I sure that I wanted him to go.  The thought of him leaving my home -and my life- had such a final and fatal feel that I could hardly bear it.  I finally decided that the only way for me to keep my sanity intact was to focus on something other than my own pathetic reality.  I needed those cases more than my clients needed me.

“It feels like everything is all topsy-turvy in my life. I have to have some sort of normalcy,” I said with a flat tone as I grabbed my cellphone from the accent table near the door. “Focusing on my work will give me that.”

“Stay for a minute,” he pleaded.  “I’ve yet to have a chance to talk to you about all that’s happened.  Are you alright?  I mean… you look alright.  You look perfect, but are you?”

“I’ve been pretty busy settling back in,” I replied as I placed my hand on the doorknob. 

“With Lance,” he mumbled with a low underlying snarl mixed in.

I raised a brow, but said nothing.  What was there to say? He spoke the truth.  The regret that I battled over allowing Lance’s brother to use me as his sex slave while working for Marduke, along with the guilt that I felt about the love between Killian and me, was all consuming. Not only was I ripped from Killian, but my guilt and desire to keep both my love for Killian and my sex relationship with his brother had changed the dynamics between my husband and me considerably.  Fortunately, Lance was under the impression that it was because of the time spent apart and not the activities during that time.

“Does he know?” Killian asked as I opened the door.

I hesitated before looking over my shoulder at his sad face and slowly shook my head. 

My voice was low and just as pathetic as his look as I choked out, “He thinks that we became good friends after you moved in as a tenant.  I’d like to keep it that way.”  I shrugged. “It’s the truth.  Just not all of the truth.”

“He won’t hear more from me, my love,” he assured me in a low, strong voice.  “I can’t say as much for Jason.”

Lance had stepped out to run a few errands, but it wouldn’t do for Killian to develop the habit of using such endearing words.  The threat of him slipping up in front of my husband was too great.

I quickly chastised him for his decision to refer to me as his love. “Don’t call me that.”  Before he could respond, I added, “Jason’s gone.  I’m not worried about him.”

“Jason is never really gone,” he insisted with a tone that hinted impatience.  “You should have realized that by now.  The man’s a wizard when it comes to escaping captivity and then popping up when you least expect it.  I’d keep a close eye on that husband of yours to make sure he remains the man you think he is.”

I sucked in air.  Was he saying what I thought he was saying? I quickly shook my head.  “I’m not worried about Jason saying anything to Lance.  Even if that snake did resurface, after all he’s done to him, my husband would never give him the time of day.”  I hesitated before adding, “As for his trying to impersonate Lance… I’d know right away this time.  Right away.”

He cocked an eye in my direction.  “Would you?”

Pursing my lips tightly together, I wrinkled my brow in thought as my confidence waivered.  I’d been fooled by Jason into believing that he was Lance on more than one occasion.  Would I really be able to tell that it was him if he tried it again?  I’d had plenty of sex with the man. (This was something that no one, not even Nora was aware of, and I wanted to keep it that way.)  That type of physical familiarity should have allowed me to know him from Lance.  Unfortunately, not only were the brothers close with their manner of sexual ministrations, the fact that it was Jason pleasuring me was often repulsive so I’d removed my mind from the event while we’d had sex.  It could have been the man-in-the-moon manipulating my body into an orgasm for all I knew or even cared. 

Where I’d congratulated myself for being able to separate my mind from my body and the situation back then, I now regretted my actions.  Killian might be right on this one.  If I wasn’t careful, Jason just might be able to fool me again.

I took a deep breath.  My voice sounded bitter in my ears as I blurted out, “I’m just going to have to trust that you can catch him and keep him this time.”

I exited the house before he had an opportunity to reply.  I was immediately struck by regret about the tone of voice and attitude I’d presented to him just then.  None of this was Killian’s fault.  Yet, I was putting the heavy expectation of him capturing and containing Jason on his shoulders as if it was.  That wasn’t fair.

I was about to go back in to apologize and explain that the stress of the guilt that I carried while trying to keep Lance in the dark so that he wouldn’t be hurt was almost overwhelming when Nora pulled up with the car.

Using the designated power button on the master panel, she lowered the passenger’s side window and leaned over to speak to me.  “I can’t believe you were going to go out on a case without me.”

Abandoning my worry over Killian, I focused on my friend. 

“I didn’t think you were up to it,” I said with a soft and sympathetic tone.

“And you are?” she said with disbelief.

I nodded.  “All I did was open and close portals for Marduke.  I didn’t get turned over to the vampires by that lord of evil, be drained of my blood until I became one of them, and then magically turned back to a human again.  I thought you’d need more time to heal your body and your emotions.”

“My body is healed just fine,” she snipped.  “As for my emotions… well… it will just take time for that.”  She leaned back into the driver’s seat and put both hands on the wheel while she watched me slide into the passenger’s side and close the door.  Then, looking straight ahead, she put the car into gear while asking, “Did it ever strike your mind that perhaps I needed to get back to a normal life too?”

I shook my head.  “Actually, no.”

She scowled as she put her foot on the gas and coaxed the car down the long driveway.  “Narcissist.”

I sucked in air with surprise at her comment before throwing my head back in laughter.  “I’ve been called a lot of things, but never something that was as close to the truth as that just was.  I have been primarily thinking of myself since we got back and I’m sorry.”