“Everyone has some kind of fear, some have fear of death, some people have fear of life and many other fears people do have but I believe that fear of losing someone is a biggest fear.”
Wednesday, April 20,2022
2:40 a.m.
I stand up from chair and look around the room, controlling my tears and squeeze my eyes shut.
“No this isn’t possible.”
“I shouldn’t allow anyone in my life.”
I say desperately. I start throwing everything across the room. I’m struggling to take a breath but I can’t breath. I throw all the dresses out of dresser. I start weeping, my voice couldn’t come out of my throat. My whole body begins to shake, I kneel down slowly, grip the bedsheet tightly. I head down on the edge of my bed and start screaming. I totally feel hopeless and the fear can easily be seen in my eyes and through my body movement as I’m shaking and my body is out of my control. I want to scream badly. I want to stay away from everyone, everything. I badly want to go far from everything and every person. I don’t know anything but I just want to leave this place as soon as possible. I want to go a place, where no one can see me, no one can observe me, and I don’t know where that place is but I badly want that place.
“I hate everyone.”
“I hate myself.”
The sound echoes in my mind. The sound can’t come out of my throat. I again throwing everything and kick up everything which come in front of me. I can’t breath. I’m struggling to take a breath. I’m trying to take a deep breath but I can’t inhale oxygen. I stand up slowly with the help of bed’s edge. I walk to my window and open it with my shaking hands. I watch up towards the sky and take a deep breath. I see the stars which are getting blur due to my tears filled in my eyes. Everything I watch is blur.
“Why am I crying why?”
I question myself, wiping out my tears with my sleeves. Now I can clearly see the stars and everything which was getting blur a few moments ago.
“I don’t need to cry.”
“I’m damn strong.”
I take a deep breath and still staring at the stars which are shinning and looking beautiful but who the hell cares about their beauty here. I’m just staring at them, not focusing on them. My mind isn’t here, my soul is also not here. Only my body is here which is out of my control.
“Why the hell am I crying?”
I again question myself and this time I’m laughing at my condition. I don’t know this is the time to laugh or not but I laugh. I’m getting mad, I don’t know what the hell is going on with me. I can’t understand my situation. Whether I should laugh or not. Whether I should cry or not. I don’t know what should I do. My emotions are out of my control. I walked towards the mirror, looking at my condition. My hair is in bad condition. It seems that I haven’t comb my hair since long. My face is red and swallowing. I don’t care about my condition. I walk away from mirror and sit down on bed. I sit quietly for a while taking deep breaths. The depressed thoughts come in my mind again. I put my hands on my face and scream.
“Why?”
“Why?”
I scream and tighten my hands on my face for a while. I slowly put down my hands and look around my room. I fix my eyes on the dresses which I have thrown.
“I need to leave.”
“I should leave.”
“Now.”
I stand up and walk over the things scattered in my room. I open the door of my room and walk outside the home. I haven’t put my shoes on. I walk fast as fast as I can. I start running over the road. I stop when I feel exhausted, I feel dehydrated. When I see park at a little distance, I walk slowly towards park. I enter in park and sit down on a bench. I see around the park and inhale the oxygen. There is no one in park as it’s too late. I feel good to be alone. At least for now, no one can see me while I’m crying. I don’t want anyone’s existence right now. My tears start flowing slowly and I start sobbing. I sit for an hour in park and constantly thinking about the solution to my problems without wiping out my tears, but I can’t find any solution. Suddenly the rain starts. I look towards the sky. I sigh and then look down to the grass which is getting wet slowly and slowly. The rain is getting heavier. I also become wet but I can’t feel it. I continuously thinking.
“Hey you should leave now, the rain is getting heavier”
I stop thinking when a voice collide with my ears. The voice comes from the backside, I wipe out my tears, turn backside and see a watchman of park is standing behind me. I don’t know from where he comes. When I entered park there was no one. He is watching me and waiting for my response. I say nothing, stand up and walk away from the park.
I walk slowly towards my home. I walk hopelessly. I reach home and open the door.
“Where the hell were you?”
My step mother questions loudly. She is looking at me. I look into her eyes, her eyes are full of questions. I don’t reply and stepping towards my room.
“Don’t you understand? I’m talking to you.”
She yells at me. I don’t stop and walking up to the stairs. I’m not in the condition to answer her any of the question and I even don’t want to talk to her. She follows me up to my room. I sit down on chair.
“Change the bloody wet dress and then go to sleep or hell”
She says in an anger. She leave the room and shut the door behind me.
Monday, January 17,2022 7:10 a.m.I wake up, but still laying down on the bed for a while.“Oh shit.”“How can I forget that?”I say while putting my hands on my head. Today is first day of my college and I forget about it as I have been on vacation after 12th standard since long. I stand up and rush towards the bathroom. I wash my face and started getting dressed, put on my running shoes and get myself ready to run. I go to kitchen, pour water into bottle and walk out of home. I run for an hour and then get back to home. I sit on chair for a while and then I brush the teeth quickly and quickly take a bath. I get myself ready for school and come out of room to do breakfast.“Good morning dad.”I glance at my father and greet him. My step mother is sitting aside by my dad. She is staring me as I haven’t greet with her. So I also say Good morning to her. She don’t reply. I don’t know why the hell is she ignorant. Anyways I sit on chair and started doing breakfast. I thin
Tuesday, January 18, 2022 6:45 a.m. Today I wake up early in the morning and get ready to run. I walk out of home and start running. I’m thinking about the last day at school. It was really boring, frustrating and such a bad day. Today I’m not in the condition to go school but I have to go. Why I’m not going to school because of some shit people? I will go and I don’t care what the hell they are thinking about me. I stop and drink water as I’m feeling dehydrated. “Hey.” A voice comes behind me. The voice is of a man or a guy. I can’t differentiate as the voice is deep. I turn back to see who’s calling me. I see a guy standing and looking into my eyes and smiling. I look him and notice his personality. He is tall, handsome and looks perfect. His smile is attractive and infectious. The dimples on his cheeks when he smiles. His veins by which he gives hot flash. His tousled dark hair which are lying on his eyes. His brown killing eyes. His lips look soft
I come out of class when I’m done with one class. I want to breath and be away from that guy. I still can’t understand why he is staring me all time. It’s strange.“I told you that I know you”, the voice comes behind me. I look around and see Masson is standing behind me. I become an angry.“There is a difference in knowing and seeing, you just have seen me, you know nothing about me”, I say in an anger.“We could know each other, if you want”, he say while smiling. I feel like if I stay for one more minute, I will kill him or myself. I run from there. I run as much as I can. I run to parking area, start my car and started driving. I drive really fast. I leave all my classes. Because if I stay there I will be more irritated. I enter home and walk to kitchen, drink water as my throat is too dry. I then go to my bedroom and lay down on bed. I sleep whole day.Wednesday, January 19,2022 1:51 a.m. I wake up. I still feel restless. I see my phone. There are ten calls from Ange
Wednesday, January 19, 2022 2:40 a.m. I’m still standing near my home where he left me and looking at a side where he left. I regret on my rudeness for the first time. I never felt regret on my rudeness before. I enter in my home still thinking about him. How stupid I am. How could I do that. He has saved me and I insulted him. How could I do that to a handsome good looking guy, who cares me and save me. I’m so silly girl. I don’t know how to behave with people or with handsome guy. I’m so arrogant. I enter in my room and lay down on bed. I don’t know how will I face him tomorrow in school. I think I should take a leave from school tomorrow. But no, I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t take a leave. I’m so punctual type girl and I also want to see him tomorrow. I think I should apologize him for my behavior. I don’t know why I’m too attracted towards him. He is too handsome guy I ever have seen in my life and he gives me seductive feelings. I never felt se
Angel comes there and meet me. I’m too happy today. I don’t know this is right or not but this feelings. I like these feelings, instead I love these feelings. These feelings let me fly. I want to feel these feelings. I don’t want to let them go. I never have these kind of feelings in my whole life. “Why are you blushing Emma?” She asks in curiosity. I look at her and say nothing for a while. She is still looking at me, waiting for my response. So I shake my hand and say nothing. I don’t want to share these feelings with Angel or anyone else. I usually don’t share any thing, any feeling to anyone. And I think it’s my good habit. We move toward class to get our class. I see Masson sitting on his seat. As I enter in class, he look at me and there is something different in his eyes which I never have seen in his eyes. His eyes are clean and he is also feeling the same feelings which I feel. I think. I go back to my seat and sit. He turn around and staring at me. He stares at me whole
Wednesday, January 19,2022 5:16 p.m.I’m still unable to understand that what is going on with me. I’m changing myself slowly and slowly. I think about him all the days and nights. I can’t figure out the feelings when I’m with him. Today I’m happy in fact I’m more happy then ever before in my life. But I’m still in confusion that is it love or it’s hormone changes. As I’m going to 18 years old in few days. Anyways I don’t know what’s this but it’s the best feelings in the world. I’m lying on my bed and still thinking about him and shying. I’m excited to talk to him. I’m staring at my phone and waiting for his call or text. I want him to be with me right now. I’m imagining him on my bed lying with me. From now onwards Wednesday is my favorite day and 19 January is my favorite date.“Oh my God”, I exhale a deep breath. What the hell am I doing? Is this me? I’m tired of thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. He is fucking handsome guy. I can’t help. I wonder i
“Lets go”, he is asking me to go, but I don’t know where he will take me. I think for a while. “Come out, we are going to restaurant in my car.” He is still waiting for my response. I climb out of car. He is stepping toward his car and I’m following him. I want to thank him for coming. I thought that he is not coming and I was very angry on him but now I’m in love with him more then before. He opens the front door of car and allow me to climb in and then turn toward the driving seat and sit inside. It’s my first time to go on date. I don’t know how to behave or what to say. I’m sitting in a silence. There is a complete silence between us for a while. “You okay?” He turn toward me for three seconds and then focus on driving. I tell him that I’m okay. I text Angel to take my car to her home. “So tell me something about yourself”, he says while looking forward. “You said earlier that you know me.” I reply. He laughs aloud and look at me. His laugh is incredible. I want to hear this
We leave the restaurant as soon as we finish the coffee. Now we are sitting in car.“Where do you want to go?”He asks. I want to say him to take me there where he wants me to go. Take me with you Masson. I want to be with you all days all nights and want to spend all moments with you. But I don’t say it to him.“Drop me home.”I say. He look at me like he is disappointed with my answer. I’m also disappointed with my answer. But I want to go home because if I spend more time with him, I can’t control myself to fall for him. I really want to give him a hug and tell him that his words make me beautiful, worthy and his words impact positively on me. I want to tell him that he is too beautiful and the words fall from his mouth are the most sweetest words I ever have heard. I want to tell him about all my feelings that I feel for him. But part of me don’t want to tell him that’s why I’m asking him to drop me home.He is still staring me.“What?”I ask him. He is staring me like he is about