Finding You

It’s a Tuesday morning, and I’m working from my favorite spot.  A coffee shop around the corner from my apartment,  Joe’s Cafe. This is where I get most of my work done when I am not in the office. As I start getting lost in a manuscript, he walks in.  Have you ever seen someone and instantly felt this connection, almost like you have met before? Someone whose energy draws you in?   It  happened to me today, with him.

Joe’s is where I escape into my work.  I go there with my laptop and work on most days that I work from home, and most weekends.  I love going there and escaping into my writing.  To get lost in the manuscripts  and to sip on espresso. I find it soothing to be able to watch people and get my work done.  I get inspiration there. Whether I am reading a manuscript or working on my book.  I absolutely love going to Joe’s.  I found this coffee shop the day after Tyler broke my heart.  

 Coming to Joe’s is a routine.  It’s been something I’ve been doing almost every day for a year now. Everyone who works there knows me.  They know how I take my coffee, and if it is a double or single shot of espresso day.   It’s a pattern, the time of day I come, and how long I am there for.  How many coffees I drink.  Which days I decide to get a snack while I am there.  God, I sound pathetic.  “You are pathetic.” My beautiful inner voice screams.  

Tuesday’s are my favorite day to come here. I work from home on Tuesdays, and  I always get there early to get a good seat.  I take  manuscripts I am editing and work from Joe’s for most of the morning.  Tony is always  outside selling Roses.  His family owns the florist  “Petal Works” it’s around the corner from Joe’s, in between a barber shop “Mr. Cutz” and a little corner store called “Sal's.”

Every Tuesday Tony’s grandmother pretends to be a stranger and goes up to Tony and buys 3 Roses.  Today its freezing out, maybe she wouldn’t be here.I am sitting by the window seat, it's where I get the best look at what is going on outside.  There she is all bundled up holding 3 roses.  She gives Tony a hug and walks on by. I smile as I watch her go by the window.  

So many people walk by, and so many people come in for a coffee to go.  One time I watched a couple have a fight.  The girl was just screaming and crying.  It was raining out.  The boyfriend kept trying to explain something.  All of a sudden he got down on his knees and he held out a ring.  She started crying harder, and then a big truck drove by just as they were about to kiss,  right through a puddle.  It was a moment I wished was captured on camera. They just laughed it off as if nothing had happened.  It was perfect. Joe’s makes me happy, and all the worries of the world escape when I'm there.  

 I was just about to open my laptop, and that’s when he walked in.  It was pretty busy.  There was a line to the door and a couple people waiting on their orders, but somehow we managed to make eye contact. He is tall, looks like he could be in good shape, but he has on a long winter dress coat. It’s opened and he has on a white collared shirt,  with the top buttons undone.  It’s tucked into some black pants.  I bit my bottom lip imagining the cologne he is wearing. 

I think I might be drooling at this point. His hair looks dark brown and must be shaggy, but slicked back.  He has no facial hair.  I can’t make out his eye color, but I’ll just assume they are Blue. “Oh my god, pick up your mouth girl!” my subconscious screams.  

I finally  opened my laptop and tried to get some work done.  I started letting my anxiety get the best of me, and frantically pretend to be sending a message on my phone.  Trying to look busy.  I hear Mark the barista call out a name, I try to focus.  But, I looked up and we made eye contact again, this time he smiled.  It was like a “Have a nice day” smile, so I smiled back.  I could feel this energy running through me.  Then I just focused on my screen and was in shock for a moment.  

It has been so long since I even thought about a guy.  Now, I am shell shocked by the energy I felt when I made eye contact with this mystery man.  

Immediately, I sent Emily a text message.

ME: “I don't know what just happened at Joe’s,  I think I just fell in love. Fuck, I’m pathetic.  This guy walked in and we made eye contact twice, but something happened.  I think, or I'm crazy.  Either way, I MISS YOU! :) Did I mention he was the sexiest man I have ever looked at, IN MY LIFE….. I am pathetic. I miss you.

I laughed out loud and hit send.  She has  been working so much, I am sure I won't hear from her till later, but I needed to text her.  My heart has never ever, ever , felt like that before. Not ever.  I never once felt this was with Tyler. I don’t have a memory of ever feeling so charged near him or with him.  

Oh fucking Tyler.  I really hate him, the thought of him.  But, he lingers there. In my brain of thoughts.  And randomly, like now I think of him.  

Think of how he ruined me.  For a moment.  It has taken me a lot of time at Joe’s, escaping into my writing, a lot of growth.  I haven’t been on a single date since him.  I’ve been so wrapped up in putting myself back together.  Even when Emily suggested I try to go on dates, get on a dating app or something like that, it was never something I wanted to do.  I was hyper focused on my work.  

It took me months to get over what Tyler did to me.  I spent the majority of my days working, going to the gym, going to therapy and hanging out with Emily.  I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to get out of that hold of sadness.  But, three months ago something shifted and the hold was released.  I felt a weight lifted and I was able to smile a little more.  

And then today after so much time of pulling myself out of sadness.  I felt it again.  That feeling in your belly. When he walked into Joe’s, we locked eyes and this sensation went through my body, and the butterflies showed up.  I felt those butterflies three times in my life.  The first time was in 6th grade when Anthony Fontizzi asked me to go to the school dance.  He was my first ever crush.  I felt it with Tyler at the very beginning and then today.  Today though was like a spark of energy through my whole being, that was something I had never felt. 

I sat there a while and worked as much as I could.  But staying focused after seeing this mystery man was hard.  I walked home, it wasn’t far.  A few blocks, but it was frigid.  A cold January day.   On the walk my phone started going off and it was finally Emily texting  me back. 

EMILY: Umm..  Hello, did someone steal my best friend's phone?  Who is this?  LOL. Soph, you are not pathetic, I LOVE YOU.  I miss you, more.  Let's get lunch this week? Could you meet me at Sips Cafe around the corner from the studio? 

We exchanged small talk and I agreed to meet her for lunch on Friday.  We both have been so busy, so  it's been random coffee breaks but not a real hang out in over a month.  She has a show coming up so she’s been busy editing and getting her pieces ready.  

I didn't sleep well that night ,  I could not stop tossing and turning.  Everytime I fell asleep there he was, smiling.  Finally around 430am I got out of bed.  The gym in our building opens at four in the morning. So, I  decided I would work out early.  As soon as the clock hit 5am I was out the door.  Thank god for this gym, it helps these early morning workouts easy when I have a sleepless night.

I walked in, stretched a bit  and jumped right on the Elliptical.  I hate cardio with a passion.  But, I need the movement. I get so bored on the treadmill, so I switched it up today.  

 Finally I move to weights.  My music is blaring through my earpods,  "Something just like this” by The Chainsmokers is on.  I am crushing this work out. I am getting ready to finish with squats.  Focused,  in the zone. I have a new found love for working out.  I look at it differently now.  Before I used to treat it like a chore and I was never happy doing it.  We have a different relationship now.  Me and the gym.  I am all about self care.  The hardest part of the work out is showing up.  Once I have focus, I am great and motivated.  

I’m on my last set when the door opens, and he walks in.  No one else is there.  I suddenly couldn't breathe.  This is the second time I have seen him this week.  How is he here, in my gym?  In my apartment building? “Just simmer down!” She hisses.  I have never seen him here before and now twice in 24 hours.  My head is spinning.  

My lungs stopped working and the next thing I know.  I’m on the floor, he’s kneeling next to me sitting me up.  “Are you alright?” He says. I think he says.  The music is still loud through my earpods. I am just reading his lips.  I am laying there confused by what just happened. I shut my music off.  Thank god no one else is in here.  I am in shock, embarrassed and all I want to do is cry.  

 “ I Think so.”  I push off his knee to get up.  He grabs my right elbow to help me, and this jolt of tingles goes through my body.  I can’t remember ever feeling this way.  We locked eyes again.  And I feel like we get lost looking at each other for hours, but it is only seconds.  I am getting images of him kissing me, and I can’t look away.

My subconscious is screaming “what the fuck?”  I start shaking my head like I am responding to her.  

I am chugging my water trying to regain my composure.  I am so embarrassed, and trying to hold back tears.   

“Are you sure you are ok?” His hand is on my shoulder.  There is the  feeling, again going through my body.  I turn away from him so his hand falls off my shoulder and I'm facing him.  He is even more handsome in his gym clothes. He has a backwards hat on, and his hair is coming through the sides.  All I can think about is him.  And what's under those clothes. 

 “Are you serious?” My subconscious screams at me. 

I am so foggy that all I hear is my brain talking craziness.  “I'm fine, I think.  Thank you.”  I turned to walk into the bathroom.  

“Holy shit!” I said out loud.  My reflection was embarrassing.  I was red, I don't ever turn red.  My complexion doesn't really allow me to get red.  I have to pinch my skin to snap out of this.  I can do this.  Get it together.  I paced back and forth trying to get myself together, I splashed some water on my face, and took a deep breath, and walked back out.  

There he is standing against the wall waiting for me to come out.  I don’t understand where some people just are genetically gorgeous.  Because he is genetically gorgeous.  Does that even make sense?  He is perfect and I am a hot mess.  He looks so good with a hat on, or maybe it's because it is backwards, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me.  He has on black leggings kind of or work out pants, I don't know what you would call them, but then a pair of black shorts over them and a black long sleeve very fitted shirt on.  I can smell his cologne or whatever it is from the door. 

“I wanted to make sure you were ok!”  He is looking at me, and his eyes are magical.  They are the brightest eyes I have ever seen.  I want to jump into his arms and hug him.  He is beautiful.  

I am trying to hide my smile, but it feels really good to have him looking at me like he is.  I don’t think I have ever looked at the way he is looking at me right now.  “Thanks, I’m good.  I think a nice cool shower will help.  I’ll see you around!” I turn to walk out.  I’m almost to the elevator.  

“Hey, can I have your name?” He shouts 

I turn around and I am not sure what has come over me, but I shout “Maybe someday” and walk away, and let him watch me as I do. 

Oh  I hope he is.  I quickly glance back and he for sure is watching, he is biting his bottom lip and now I watch him, watch me.  “Pathetic!” she hisses, my subconscious brat.    .  

My heart was pounding.  What did I just do?  Not only did I faint, and I hope to god it's because I am hungry and sleep deprived.  But I just acted like someone I didn't even know.  “Maybe, someday.!” and wink.  I am laughing as I walk back to my apartment.  Wondering which one is his?  Which floor does he live on?  I haven't seen him here before.  Did he just move in?   I have so many questions.  So many thoughts are running through my mind.  

I called Emily knowing she isn't going to answer, and I left her a message about my encounter.  Laughing as I leave it.  

I got back to my apartment and fell on the couch.  I screamed into the throw pillow.  I am so embarrassed.  All of a sudden I started to laugh and I couldn't compose myself, I was officially in hysterics.  “Go take a shower.” My subconscious hissed.  I walked to the bathroom laughing at myself.  “What a way to start the day.” I looked at myself in the mirror.  “Girl  get it together.” I decided I would go into the office today and get some work done there, maybe I could get some actual work done.  

The shower made me feel so much better.   It was literally what I needed.  I can't stop thinking of this mystery man.  And now, he is here in my apartment building.  I let the water come down over my face and every couple minutes I found myself burying my face into my hands saying “Oh my god, I can’t believe I fainted.”  

After the shower, I needed to drown out my thoughts.  So I plugged my phone into my surround sound and put my music on low.  It was still before 8 am, so I wanted to be considerate of my neighbors.  I tried to make myself some breakfast.  But he kept popping into my head.  When he did I found myself smiling.  I have to admit.  It feels good.  This feeling feels good.  Even if this doesn’t turn into anything, even if I never run into him again.  Right now, I feel alive. 

Then, bam.  I am hit with a ton of Tyler’s.  Why?  Why is he popping up now?  It has been a year since I ended things.  A year since I found out he was having an affair with his co-worker.

It’s been a year since I have had any sort of relationship outside of my inner circle.  Which includes Emily, my best friend in all the universes.  Her mom and dad.  Owen, her boyfriend, his cat Roger,  My Dad, my Papa,  my family, my boss,  and the staff at Joe’s.  

When my relationship ended with Tyler I had to pull  myself out of a deep depression.  I stopped going to places I used to go with him, which were a lot.  That’s how I found Joe’s. I couldn’t believe I had never been there before given how close it is to my apartment.  But, my life after Tyler was the complete opposite of my life with him.  

We were together most of college and I built a life during that time.  So, I spent months being held hostage by my past. I put a lot of time into my work.  Stopped going out on the weekends, and if I did it was to different places.  Places I knew I wouldn't, and couldn't run into Tyler.  I wasn’t looking for anything new, I especially wasn't looking for my heart to be ripped out of my chest.

 But here I go again.  Falling……