Kabanata 1

I've never feel so lonely before, but since the day my mother had passed away, my happiness is gone. The stages of grief became more of a monster to me. I was diagnosed of bipolar disorder before. Pero nadala naman agad sa gamutan. Hindi ko pa naranasan magpa-rehab. My heart almost died that day and my world started to fall apart.

Well, I can't still accept her demise—I mean who really wants to let a mother die? Of course no one. She's too kind. Everyday, she teach me how to pray. Naging isa siya sa pinaka-unang guro na nagturo sakin kung paano magmahal. My dad had been too rough for me, since nung namatay ang mommy ko. Mahirap siya pakisamahan. When I was kid, he just locked me inside my room with my tutor. I spend almost eight years of home schooling. You should be wonder how did I survive with my boring life.

That was very boring to the point na hindi na ako ngumiti. I never had fun.

Saka na lang ako pinayagang lumabas when I was in high school. Although it went well, it's still hard to cope up with people. It's as if I haven't manifested how the sun rises and how it sets. But anyways, here I am now. Successful and have a stable job in my family's hospital. I feel anorexic. Hindi talaga ako masyadong kumakain. This is very unhealthy.That made me lose weights. Idagdag mo pa yung pagpupuyat ko para sa duty and unstable shift schedule.

I'm Savannah Courtney Andrada. I'm 29 years old now. To be honest, I haven't experienced yet to be in a relationship. I'm really not into romance. Not yet, because my goal is to enjoy a successful career. Although there's a lot of guys who tried to court me, my standards were too high to reach. My dad told me, "It's okay". Pero sana raw bigyan ko siya ng apo, dahil malapit na akong lumagpas sa kalendaryo. I'm still not thinking about it, yet.

I love my career. Magiging abala muna ako rito. Kids are my obsession, but I have no plans yet.

Kahit sa amin yung ospital at marami pa itong branches sa iba't ibang bansa, gusto ko paring magtrabaho. I want to use what I earned not the money my family's treasury. Hindi ko ginustong umasa sa kanila. I'm old enough to handle myself.

"Doktora, may naghahanap po sa inyo."

I arraged all of my files just when I heard my nurse called me for something. Siguro bumalik na naman yung pasyente ko nung nakaraan. I enjoy helping other people with my bare hands to save their lives. In the medical universe, life is a very precious thing to save.

Women are precious that is why I made an oath to myself that I'll be a doctor who initiates taking care of them.

"Tell them na may inaayos lang ako saglit," I voiced out. Sana naman narinig niya yung sinabi ko behind that door. Hindi pa niya naisipang pumasok. She only enter my office when if I say so.

I fixed my hair and my desk. I shut down my computer for awhile and prepare my fill-up forms for my patient's record.

"Lilia! Come in. Assist my patient, please," I told her. Pumasok naman siya kasama ang isang menor de edad na babae. Oh, she's with her mother. I'm glad she came para mas maintindihan nila yung advice ko and also my consultations.

Mukhang pinababayaan ata niya ang sarili niya.

"Oh, good morning sa inyo ma'am. You came again. What must be your daughter's problem?" I am a gynecologist. Doktor ng mga babae. Well, Pediatrics was one of my choices, before. I didn't pursue it for a reason. My pre-medicine course was obstetrics, and then I took a specialized course which is OB.

Being a medical student is not easy. I tell you. Luluha ka pa ng halos isang balde just to get through the obstacles of your study. It's hard. Tight schedules, terror professors, and unending late night sleeps. Sometimes I only have six hours of sleep. Kadalasan, wala talagang tulog. But you know, vertebrae ng pag-aaral ang pagsisikap, pagtitiis, at pagpupursigi para sa pangarap. You won't get a diploma without them

Mahirap din abutin ang lisensya, so ypu have to review, read the instruction, and ace the board exams. In adendum to that, you have to focus on your residency and intership. Konting tiis nalang and you will reach your goal. Ganyan ang ginawa ko.

Advices will become null if you don't know how to follow them. Dreams without effort are empty.

"Hindi po kasi regular ang menstruation ng aking anak. Minsan po late yung buwanang dalaw niya," wika ng magulang niya Hmm? Irregular menstruation is her daughter's condition. Sa tingin ko may malaking dahilan kung bakit siya nakakaranas ng irregular menstruation. It's pretty tough for a woman to endure abdominal pain during menstrual flow pero mas nakakabahal yung hindi madatnan ng dalaw.

"Hmm. May anorexia ka ba? Or hindi tama ang timbang mo? Sa tingin ko dahil yan sa pagkakaroon mo ng weight loss. You need to take care of yourself lalo na ang pagbabantay sa mga kinakain mo during menstruation. Be careful, dahil maaari itong maka-apekto sa pagbubuntis. Ibig sabihin ang pagkakaroon ng irregular menstruation ay pagkakaroon din ng hormonal imbalance," paliwanag ko sa kanya. Delikado talaga kapag napabayaan ng babae ang kanyang sarili during menstruation. Baka may PCOS na siya, o di kaya naman may problema sa ovaries.

Health is wealth ika nga nila, kaya do your best!

I tried to focus on my work. I didn't mind my father's whims for awhile. Kanina pa siya nagsesend ng message sa cellphone ko, but I'm to busy to answer it.

"Nako dok, hindi po siya masyadong kumakain lalong lalo na sa lunch time," kwento niya. Masyado pang bata ang kanyang anak to do the thing we called 'die'. Imbes na diet magiging death kapag hindi kumakain. It's not diet at all. It's skipping meals. For now, it's better to eat a lot. But, not too much. Just enough food to supply nutriets needed in her body. Lalo na't magka-college pa siya. Mamamyat siya sa puyat at kawalan ng gana sa pagkain dahil sa stress.

Sleepless night will probably exhaust her cell energy. There's a lot of things to do in terms of health. You can also do exercise.

"Well, I advise you to look after your daughter. Her health is important. Hindi tama na nagdiyediyeta ka sa murang edad. Mabuti pa a kumain ka ng maraming gulay ngayon. Iwasan ang pagpupuyat during menstruation, ha? Magkakaroon ka ng anemia, " sabi ko at ngumiti.

If ever magkaroon ako ng anak na babae, I'll check her health as always, lalo na kung pinababayaan niya ang kanya sarili.

"Sorry po dok," sabi nung bata. Yumuko na lang siya at hindi maalis sa kanyang mukha ang takot. Pati na rin ang pagsisisi sa pagiging pabaya.

"Uhm, nakakranas ka ba ng abnominal pain?" tanong ko ulit. Isinulat ko na ang mga simptomas na kanyang nararamdaman. I'll diagnose it once she answered my question.

Maiigi na ang sigurado. I didn't spend my time in medical school for eight years just to screw up patients' diagnosis.

"Opo." Her answer is not far-fetched. Pero makikita mo talagang hirap siya umamin dahil na rin siguro sa takot niya sa kanyang nanay. Of course, kapag ganito kapasaway ang mgiging anak ko, magagalit talaga ako.

"You need to take acetaminophen or ibuprofen, but make sure na huwag padalos dalos sa pag-inom ng gamot na iyon. It may affect your kidney. Take care of your body, okay?" sabi ko at ngumiti naman siya sa akin. Binigyan ko na rin siya ng reseta para sa abdominal pain. Para naman sa kanyang hormonal imbalance, dahil iyon siguro sa diet niya a halos hindi na rin kumakain. Hays, mga bata talaga ngayon. Ang titigas ng ulo.

Afternoon when I decided to get home and close my office. I didn't bother to face my dad kasi stressed ako. Iniiwasan ko ang kanyang galit when I'm close to bursting, because of how tired I was at work.

I can't bear hearibg those words again. His speech of disappointment kapag galit siya at walang mapagbuntunan ay nakaka-irita. I never missed the mansion. At least I still have contacts with my family members, but I'm sad to say iniiwasan ko talagng bumalik sa bahay na 'yon o bumisita.

Pagdating ko sa aking unit, umupo muna ako sa couch bago linisin ang katawan sa banyo. I can feel the loneliness here.

"Hays, better be lonely than being shouted with insulting words," bulong ko sa sarili habang nakapikit, at naka patong ang likod ng aking ulo sa sandalan ng couch. I spread my arms to relax and cross my legs. Unable to explain the feeling of emptiness, napatingin na lang ako sa chandelier na nasa tapat ko. I won't bother to open the television for awhile. I wabt to sleep.

Kakain na naman ako ng instant foods. I don't know how to cook. I used to go in the hospital cafeteria para kumain. Sometimes, I don't eat. I don't know how did my stomach afford nor eatong at all.

My morning didn't went well just when I realized that I'm late for work. Napasarap siguro ako sa tulog kaya hindi ko na naisipang bumangon. But anyways, today is another day for me to endure stress. I remember I'm the only single in my friends' circle. Thariah is happily married with a prosecutor. Yung lalakeng nakaka away niya raw before.

Their relationship went well, I guess. Tested by years of struggling because of different work schedules and shift. I'm happy for them. Atty. Joshein Blaze Antonio is a real genius for having been in a relationship with a lawyer. That's pretty tough. Parehas naman silang nag-aaral sa med school. That's not a problem.

My boy best friend Calliester is engaged to Harley. A relationship that has many headaches at pati ako nadadamay sa pinagseselosan. Now, their engaged I support their relationship and I'm happy that their still together kahit on and off sila before.

That girl hates me even if we're in the same circle. I couldn't blame her. She thinks I'm still a treat dahil single pa ako. I have no time for flirting. It's not even in my principle to be a third party.

Chola just got reunited with her ex, Wade. I don't have a lot of stuffs to talk about their relationship kasi sa New York sila naninirahan because of their work.

And now a friend of mine named Chanel is having a relationship with her prof secretly. He's Alex.

Lastly, Misery got married with her long time crush. Ako na lang ang single. Oh, si Demionne Grace pa pala. Stay single na kami. Mauuna't mauuna talaga ang aming career. Romance is not a necessity. What ever. I don't care about those stuff for now. As I've said, career is my first priority.

It may seem peculiar and funny for not experiencing romance. But I think, it's my nature for now. Also, I haven't found the right ma for me yet.

I want someone who can occupy my heat, accept me for who I am and be honest with me. I wonder when will I found someone like that. It's possible sa books lang sila nag eexist, kasi sa henerasyon ngayon, ang ganyan lalake ay paaubos na. Fifthy percent of men population, perhaps.

Incoming Call from Thariah....

Speaking of, napatawag si Thariah. Baka mag-aaya na naman ng inuman. I know her well. O hindi naman kaya'y aasarin na naman akong walang boyfriend. I'm almost at my thirties pero wala pa talaga. Minsan nga they set-up blind dates for me just so I could have a man with me during those times na mag-aaya sila na pumunta sa bar. Eventually, their plan always fail. Wala akong natitipuhan. They seem good to be true tapos bigla ko nalang malalaman ang mga katatantaduhan nila after few years. I don't care at all. I still crave for success and fill my bank accounts with money to prepare my future.

Also, I'm helping an orphanage my mother left me. That's one of my first priorities.

"Oh napatawag ka na naman?" tanong ko sa kanya sa telepono. Inayos ko ang aking upo sa aking swivel chair habang hinihintay ko siyang magsalita.

Lilia haven't gone in my office yet. Baka pinagra-rounds na naman siya ng chief nurse niya. I will just call her if I need her. She will assist my patients very soon.

"Makasigaw kang gaga ka ah! Grabe mababasag talaga ear drums ko sayo, tsk. Holy cow, you're still single! Don't take it seriously. I'm just kidding, okay? I love you." I sighs. Sabi ko na nga ba at aasarin na naman niya ako na wala akong boyfriend. Ayoko pa. Hindi pa ako handa sa sakit sa ulo na pwedeng maibigay ng mga lalake.

Ilang beses ko na ngang inuulit-ulit na busy ako pero ang kulit talaga niya.

"What do you want, Thariah? May ginagawa ako rito sa opisina ko." My words seems irritated with my tone. Hindi ba siya busy? Lawyer sya. Or wala siyang trial ngayon, kaya siya ganyan ka-ingay. She kept on slacking off during work hours. I hope Joshein scold her for that.

Sanay naman na ako. It's not surprising at all. Kahit na ganito ay natutuwa parin ako. She calls. It makes me happy.

"Blind date-just kidding! Oo na hindi na blind date huwag ka na sumigaw. Ipapaalala ko lang na may party tayo bukas," sagot niya sa kabilang linya. Oh, they're gonna throw a party again. For what? Ako na naman ang walang kasama. Demionne Grace is in Barcelona, Spain right now. Hindi pa siya umuuwi rito sa Pinas. I think, she enjoys her work so much na nakalimutan niya ng umuwi.

I'll call her in Skype next time if hindi siya busy.

"Party? Hindi ka busy? Kala ko ba may hearing kayo sa korte ngayon?" tanong ko. I tucked my side bangs on my ears and began scrolling my files sa aking monitor.

Maya maya ay naisipan kong buksan abng USB kung saan nakalagay lahat ng pictures ko kasama si mommy at daddy. Summer vacation in Palawan, trip to Colorado, and visiting Niagara Falls in New York City. How I miss those days? Bata pa ako nun.

"Aishh! Ano ka ba?! 'Wag ka ngang kill joy diyan. Natapos na kasi kanina yung hearing. I won the case that is why I am inviting our whole circle of friends tomorrow. Don't be late! Magpaalam ka nga muna sa trabaho mo! Take a break girl! Masyado kang workaholic," sabi niya at ibinaba yung tawag. So, her intention of calling me is to invite me? I see. I'll check if I can free my schedule tomorrow.

Oh, so everytime pala na mananalo siya sa case magpapaparty. As if she has no work tomorrow. Ayaw ko pa namang umuwi ng lasing. Baka maibangga ko yung Porsche ko. Gastos na naman. I won't get drunk badly tomorrow. Not at my watch.

My dad threw hurtfull words the last time I got drunk and enter the hospital, late. Thay time, marami pa kaming pasyente. Hindi maipinta ang galit sa kanyang mukha last time. He was about to slap me when someone interrupted our conversation. He even said that I'm the one who's going to be the reason of St. Martha's tainted reputation.

I went out of my office to check my missing file from the main hall. Baka kasi nakalimutan ko. Now, I see these nurses flirting with doctors. Working hours pero may naglalandian dito sa hallway, that irritates the hell of me! Tapos, yung isa pang couple na halos magkainan na sa escalator ay doktor at nurse din. Hindi ako natutuwa sa mga nakikita ko. Madulas sana kayo.

"Would you please observe work ethics? Hindi ba kayo nahihiya sa mga pasyente niyo? Kung gusto niya gumawa ng milagro dun kaya sa bahay niyo! At kung ayaw niyo mapatalsik dito, magtrabaho kayo ng maayos." Hindi sila nakapag-salita sa sinabi ko at yumuko na lang sila. Mabilis silang umalis papalayo sa'kin. They are afraid of me lalo na't anak ako ng may-ari ng ospital. It's good that I can use my connection for better purpose. At least I'm not bragging about it. Hays, hindi talaga natututo ang mga taong ito. Ang kalandian, minsan hindi nailulugar.

If I'm in a relationship, it would be very private na malalaman mo na lang na nagkaroon pala ako ng boyfriend kapag break na kami. Things like that.

"Savannah, can we talk?" I heard a familiar voice at my back. I looked at him. Doctor Venor. My dear ex-suitor, playboy pa rin ang dating, ha. Walang ipinagbago. Kung sabagay, manliligaw lang naman. Hindi ko naman siya naging boyfriend.

Buti na lang at hindi ko siya sinagot. I caught him having sex with a nurse sa operating room last time, and that day, nag-aya pa siya sa akin na lumabas. Wala talagang respeto. Dinudumihan niya ang tingin ko sa mga lalake.

I'm so sick if his face, I couldn't even bother to face him. He's very much of a womanizer. Minsan walang work ethics.

Pasalamat nga siya hindi ko pa siya pinatanggal. He knows that we own this hospital and if he dares to sexually harass me, I will make a move that can surely ruin his life. I have friends who handles law, and friends who can make his family miserable. Isang utos ko lang, wasak ag kanilang reputasyon.

"We have nothing to talk about, Arville. We're done. I'm busy, you're busy too, perhaps. I have more important things to do than talking with a man like you." Matapos ko iyong sabihin ay binigyan ko siya ng isang pilit na ngiti.

Pasensya ka na talaga Arville. Dumagdag ka pa sa kulo ng dugo ko kaya ayan, umagang umaga at ikaw na naman ang naka-witness sa kamalditahan ko.

"Please—"

I cut him out and said, "I already told you that I have no time for bullshits. Please leave me alone." Pagkatapos nun ay nagmadali akong naglakad palayo sa kanya.

I have no time for men. Handsome or not. They will ruin me.