No Shame

  "Why aren't you happy to see me?" Eric beamed.

  "The only reason you visit me at work is to drink for free," I responded.

  He looked at me quizzically, "No, that's not it."

  I turned around to avoid eye contact. He always knew when I kept a secret or lied to him.

  "What happened?" he asked.

  "I don't know what you're talking about," I evaded.

  "Something happened," he pressed, "Have a shot, then tell me."

  My body responded to his statement with acceptance as I drank. I downed the contents of the glass and felt the chilling burn rush throughout me. It was so good; just one more to do the trick. 

  "Must be something good if you need more than one," he said. 

  My hand grabbed a giant glass before pouring more, "It's not easy for me to be open and talk about things," I replied before downing a double shot of Jack Daniels, "You know I went out with Tanya last night. She found herself a man, like always, and I ended up across the street at a bar."

  "Why a bar when you were already at one?" he questioned.

  "It was a club," I clarified before pouring another drink.

  His eye widened, "Look at you putting yourself out there!"

  I drank, "So a blonde showed up, sat next to me, and hit me. She saw me in the club alone and not dancing with men, so she thought I was looking for something else. I'm not exactly sure because I was very drunk. We talked briefly, and before I knew it, she kissed me." 

  This time, it was his turn to drink. The look on his face wasn't curiosity, more like discomfort. It was stern, almost braced like he was about to hear something he didn't want to hear.  

  "I felt nothing," I finished.

  The look of bewilderment turned soft and relaxed, almost as though he was happy. 

  "Ivy?" he replied, "Nothing at all?"

  "No, I tried to let myself, but I felt absolutely nothing," I admitted, "I don't know what's wrong with me.'

  "There's nothing wrong," he said, "Maybe you can't turn it on and off as some people can. Plus, you're a virgin, and your body won't respond when you know what it's doing."

  "So, I should take your lead and just go for it?" I asked in frustration.

  "You can," he said before finishing his drink, "Then again, can you?"

  "Of course I can," I confirmed.

  His eyes narrowed, and his gaze dropped to meet mine. It was intense, almost like there was a beast within him. My shoulder relaxed as I swallowed the last of my drink. The rapid burning rush feels so good. The space between us was gone as he came in closer, and I felt my body heat up.

  "Can you give in and let someone take over? Let alone take over someone who gives in to you? Can you lose control?" he questioned.

  My cheeks flushed, and I turned away from his gaze. What is this feeling that's come over me? 

  "See?" he said, "You can't even look at me."

  "You're looking at me like I'm one of your many men," I sarcastically replied.

  "Look at me, Ivy," he demanded.

  My body trembled. Did I want to obey? Do I want to give in? Why did it have to be either? I could still hold power either way. With a deep breath, I met his eyes. "I'm looking at you."

  He leaned in even closer. His breath was hot on my lips and left cheek. My breathing quickened as I felt his hand grasp my upper right thigh. His body towered over me as I slammed into the bar top. He was massive compared to me, and I had never realized it. My lips were expecting contact, but I felt his hot breath on my left ear.

  "Relax, I'll never hurt you," Eric swore.

  "I don't know what I'm feeling," I confessed. I felt my entire body tense.  

  "You'll know when you're ready," he backed away abruptly, "Stop trying to make it into something it's not. You've said it before. Sex is Sex. So stop shaming yourself for something that means so little."

  "What?" I questioned.

  "Call me when you figure it out. Have your fun first," he replied before exiting the bar.  

  

  Shame. A word meant to make someone feel humiliated. To make individuals hide their true identity behind a mask. I've never been ashamed to be who I am, so what did Eric mean by that remark? Why was I feeling something towards him when we'd been friends for so long? I've only seen him with men, but I could see a different look tonight. There was a heated intensity that I could almost see echoing within him. A rushed heat engulfed me before I could feel anything, but it wasn't a sense of shame. No, this was a feeling with which I was unfamiliar. Was this sensation lust? 

  "Everything alright?" I heard off in the distance.

  What was so wrong with me feeling this way? It feels confusing but good at the same time. 

  "Earth to, Ivy!" I heard a scream.

  I blinked out of my train of thought and realized Tanya was talking to me. 

  "My bad, what did you say?" I asked. 

  "Where's your head at?" 

  "I just had something stupid running through my mind."

  "Like what?

  "I'm not sure."

  "Not sure? Your eyes tell differently."

  "I can't organize how I feel?"

  Her eyes locked onto mine as if to assess my situation. She threw down the wet bar towel before seizing my right wrist. "Okay, come on."

  "What?" I groaned as she pulled me along.

  Before I knew it, we were both back in the break room, puffing on her pipe. 

  "Is this always your answer?" I giggled.

  "Of course, it helps calm down your mind to figure shit out through the stress," she exhaled a puff of smoke, "Now, do you want to tell me what's bothering you? Or do you want to sit here stoned and still confused?"

  I sat there in silence. It wasn't because I meant not to answer, and I couldn't figure out what was bothering me earlier. Everything was always better after I smoked, and I should do it more often. 

  "I'm not honestly sure how I feel," I started, "I've never felt this way before, so my body is reacting in a way that makes me not know how to respond."

  'Are you referring to what you're feeling?" she questioned.

  "I'm uncertain how to explain it myself," I admitted. I took the pipe over to me in response, and I took it happily, "I know this will be completely awkward, but I am asking you, as my only girlfriend, not to judge me and listen. Perhaps I'll understand it instead of rambling about in my head."

  "Okay, I'm here," she answered.

  "Do you think Eric is completely for the guys?" I blurted out.

  I saw her widen and then narrow to confusion, "Well, I've never seen him with a female before, and all of the men he has been with have been manly. Then again, I'm no expert."

  What is this feeling that is coming over me right now? I've never felt like this before. 

  "Honestly, I don't know how to explain it well because I've never felt like this. It's making me flustered and confused. When Eric leaned into me yesterday, I felt this rush. The intense throbbing rush of heat that engulfed me was intoxicating. I wanted him. My body wanted him, and I wanted to explore that."

  "You're wanting to ask him out?" she asked.

  I paused. How did I feel? There aren't any emotional feelings, and the physical ones are present. 

  "I don't think it's like that," I confessed, "Now I become even more confused. It's more like an ache, nearly like hunger and yearning, and I can feel it deep inside, almost like it's calling to me. Part of me loves it, but it scares me how badly I want it. I also felt the same thing for that older woman the other night. The same intensity, only she and I kissed. Eric just leaned in very close."

  Tanya broke silently: "Did you want to see what it was like being with a woman before trying with Eric?" 

  "Honestly, that hasn't even crossed my mind," I admitted, "I would like to see if it could lead to something. It's hard to know what that something is at this moment."

  "You want to fuck Eric, and you wanna fuck hot women," Tanya concluded, "Best of both worlds."

  Our eyes met as we both burst into laughter.