Letting You Go Was the Hardest Thing

Senior Year (November of 2006)

Someone once told me that life, especially love, was all about taking chances. If you wanted to take the first leap of faith, it's a matter of putting your best foot forward and from there, everything would fall into place.

Sounds simple, right? Easy squeezy lemon peasy.

But... Nothing was that simple, especially when I'm about to do something life changing; one that could change the course of my life .

Telling my best friend since I was nine years old that I'm in love with him.

Uhuh. Yeah. Very simple alright.

As I leaned my back against the driver's side of my car, I thought of ways on how I'd break this bottled up romantic feelings I have for my best friend, Dalton, without sounding like a moron. He was running late and it was already past fifteen minutes since the final bell rang so this buys me some time to think - each word formulating in my head had my heart pounding out of my chest, hands all clammy and sweaty and having this sudden urge to bolt like a bat out of hell.

You would think I was going to propose to the dork doing the whole shebang; kneeling on one knee with a ring on my hand?

Ugh.

For eight years, I kept these feelings in the shadows because I was afraid that I may screw what we have up. I didn't want to be selfish, it was not me. I needed to be the bigger person and swallow it like a lump all for the sake of friendship, but there is so much a girl could take - especially if you could no longer take it and the more you fought your inner self that it's not the right thing to do, the more you became helpless, frustrated even and it's not the best feeling the whole world.

I could still remember that fateful day when I first laid my eyes on him. His family just moved into the house next to ours at that time. He was this adorable shy, scrawny kid who's obsessed with gummy bears- and still is-and watches too many Scooby Doo shows, one of the dorky things we have in common.

That memory was clear as crystal. I could never forget it.

It marked the day that I, Charlotte Grace, had fallen in love with the boy next door...

"Charlie!" my mom yelled from downstairs. "Charlie, come down here!"

''What does she want  now?" I thought. I was in the middle of watching Scooby Doo in my room and it was getting into the good part - busting the bad guys.

I picked up my remote which was lying beside me on the floor and pressed the mute button. "Why?" I asked, very annoyed by the interruption.

She yelled again, "We're going next door to meet our new neighbors, so come down here right now!"

I huffed. "Do I have to?" I whined. "Why can't it just be you and Caroline? I don't want to be there!"

"Your little sister is coming with us, so get your butt down here Charlotte Eliza Grace, or I'll have you grounded!" she threatened.

What?! She can't ground me! It's crazy to ground someone during summer, but when my mom uses my full name, it means business.

Great...

In a flash, I stood on my feet and scrambled out of my room, zooming all the way downstairs where a very serious looking mother and an impatient looking little sister were waiting by the front door.

"I'm here... I'm here," I wheezed out, trying to catch my breath. Wow, I didn't realize I ran that fast.

"What took you so long?" my eight-year-old sister, Caroline, complained then flicked her straight blond hair that she got from our mom behind her shoulders. "Let me guess - that retarded show again?"

I glared at her. "Scooby Doo is not a retarded show."

She rolled her eyes. "Is too."

"It's not."

"Is too."

"It's not."

"Is--"

"Zip it!" my mom interrupted, giving both of us the stink eye. "Both of you just zip it," she fixed herself up and gave us a cheery smile. Wow, mom has gone bipolar." Now let's go, be good neighbors, and welcome them to our town."

I gave Caroline one last glare and held up my two fingers, pointed it at my eyes then pointed it to hers.

"I'm watching you," I mouthed at her.

She stuck her tongue out and giggled then held onto mom's hand. "Let's go greet the new neighbors, mommy."

She smiled. "That's the spirit," then she turned to me with a frown."Why can't you be like your sister, Charlie? Can't you at least be enthusiastic?"

That's the thing about mom - comparing me to my sister who was bubbly, a complete girlie girl and outgoing while I was the complete opposite. I would rather roll on the mud than play with their dolls, trade skirts for baggy jeans and blouses for t-shirts.

I was just being me, so why is it so hard for mom to swallow that?

I will never know.

I gave my mom a blank look."Yay! New Neighbors!" I cheered dryly.

She sighed then shook her head from side to side. "What am I going to do with you...?" she muttered then opened the front door, got Caroline and I out and she followed then closed the door shut.

Time to meet our neighbors.

Our footsteps plopped through the hard pavement as we walked away from our house. Mom and Caroline were yapping about what our new neighbors would be like and blah blah while I just tuned them out. What's so special about new neighbors anyway? They're just people moving into town, not some celebrity!

As we approached the light green, two story house right next to ours, the lush green yard was cluttered with cardboard boxes. My eyes wandered throughout the mess and landed to a man, woman, and a boy sorting the boxes. All I could see were the sides of their faces, so I couldn't figure out what they looked like.

"Hello!" my mom greeted me happily. "Welcome to Lakeside."

All three heads snapped to our direction and this time, I got a better look of our new neighbors.

The man, who I'm assuming is the daddy, looked beefy and rather tall with wavy black hair. He had forest green eyes, and his face was sort of, I don't know... he looked like he was about to poop. I know, it's very weird of me to describe the father dude, so there's nothing you could do about it. He looked to be around his early thirties.

The woman, who I am assuming again is the mommy, was very beautiful. She was a bit short, I guess around five-foot-six with straight brown hair, dark blue eyes and a face that looked like an angel. Seriously, the lady looked like she wouldn't hurt a fly. Judging from her looks, I guess she's the same age as that constipated looking dude.

The boy looked like a clone of his father - the younger version, that is. He got his dad's black wavy hair, forest green eyes and looked around a year older or so than me, probably ten or eleven.

Grinning widely, the woman walked towards us and took my mom's hand, shaking it a little bit too much.

"Hello there! It's so nice to meet you," she said, smiling and still shaking my mom's hand. "My name's Catherine, but you can call me Cat."

I think the lady had too much sugar.

My mom giggled. Oh jeez. "My name's Meredith. I'm your next door neighbor."

Still shaking my mom's hand, her eyes wandered to us, then smiled even wider. "So these must be your daughters," she said and finally, she let go of my mom's hand.

My mom smiled. "Yes, this over here," she gestured first to my little sister. Of course, she would introduce the better one, "is my youngest daughter, Caroline, and this over here," she said while patting my arm,"is my eldest daughter, Charlotte."

"Such beautiful girls," Catherine said with a you-look-so-cute-I-could-pinch-your-cheeks face. "Hello Caroline and Charlotte."

"Say hi girls," my mom ordered.

"Hi," I said quietly. God, when will this be over?

Caroline on the other hand, was in her cutesy gooey mode. "Hi! It's so nice to meet you!" Ugh.

Catherine introduced us to her husband, Adrian, and her son, Terrence. Adrian's a lawyer and just got offered some high position in a law firm here in Lakeside, so that's why they moved here. He was okay, aside from looking like he was mad at the world, but when he looks at Catherine, his face turns soft as if she was her world. Eww.

Terrence was rather, I don't know... quiet? He just stood there, as though he was bored, and for a brief moment, I caught him staring at my sister rather strange. It creeped me out, but whatever, I don't give a flying monkey's butt. He can stare at my sister for all I care - I just want to go back home and watch Scooby Doo.

"Mom?" someone yelled from inside the house. "Where's the rest of my stuff?"

"Oh!" Catherine exclaimed. "I almost forgot to introduce you guys to my youngest son, Dalton! Come out here! I want you to meet our new neighbors!"

A scrawny looking kid around my age came running out of the house, heading to where we are and then, he stood next to his mom.

Catherine beamed. "This is my son, Dalton," then she glanced at her son, "Dalton, meet our next door neighbors - Meredith and her daughters, Caroline and Charlotte."

"Hi," he said, smiling shyly, exposing his braces.

I had to admit, though he looks geeky, he was cute and adorable. He had cropped dark brown hair that he got from his mom and his eyes were a forest green like his dad.

He was like a combination of his mom and dad.

He peered at my shirt with interest. "I like your shirt," he said. "You like Scooby Doo?"

I looked down to my favorite shirt. "Yeah, it's my favorite cartoon show," then looked up and smiled at him.

He grinned. "Me too! I love Scooby Doo!"

My eyes bugged out of my head. Holy smokes! Was he kidding? He likes Scooby Doo too? This cute boy? That is so hard to believe!

He grabbed my hand and dragged me towards his house. "Come on - I have stacks of DVD's of Scooby Doo. I'll show 'em to ya," and he added, "you like gummy bears?"

I nodded. "Yeah, but I like the gummy worms."

He scrunched up his face. "I hate gummy worms. They look disgusting."

I gave him a playful stink eye. "No they're not! They are the same as gummy bears but in the shape of a worm."

"Gummy bears are better."

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Gummy bears tops gummy worms."

And that's how everything started... Dalton and Charlotte, buddies 'till the end, and now, after eight years, our friendship lies in my hands - right after my confession.

"Charlie!" a deep, familiar voice called out to me, breaking me out of memory lane.

I looked up and there he was - my Dalton, running towards me with a bright smile on his face.

Gone were the braces that adorned his teeth.

Gone were the acne infested face which ruined his smooth tan face during puberty.

Gone were the baggy jeans and t-shirts that hid his scrawny physique.

From an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan.

Dalton was now a sight for sore eyes.

He wasn't sporting the cropped look anymore. It was now spiked up but a bit disheveled for a sexy effect. He was tall, around six-foot-two and his forest green eyes - one of his best attributes that I loved to gaze all day - was sparkling, and filled out like a killing machine, all thanks to being a quarterback of the football team.

Before you assume anything, no, he's not a player. His good looks didn't get into his head and remained down to Earth. He knew that girls swooned at the very sight of him, in fact he was flattered with their attraction. However, I never saw him date, at all. I find it weird, but who am I to question his love life? even though it did crossed my mind that he might be gay.

Oh well. I'd find that out later.

Dalton smiled as he now stood before me, then his face turned apologetic. "I'm sorry Charlie," he said. "Coach just had to steal me for a few minutes about some game strategy; I'm sorry."

I waved my hand dismissively. "It's alright. I wasn't waiting that long."

He frowned. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure," I said quietly and then, my stomach plummeted as the next words came out of my mouth. This was it." Um... Dalton, I have something to tell you."

He smiled then his eyes glinted with something like... hope? I'm not sure. "Me too, I have something to tell you."

God, this was so hard. I felt like chickening out. "Uh, why don't we go home first, to freshen up?" Yeah, good thinking, Charlie! This would give you some breathing space to think out the right words. "I'll wait for you in my room and then we can talk."

He nodded slowly. "Okay, I guess so," he said.

So without a word, I dug out my car keys, clicked the alarm for clearance, then opened the door, got in and shut it tight. I stuck the key on the ignition then started the car. I glanced to my right to check if Dalton got in.

And he was, as he strapped himself up the seat belt so I took that cue to back out of the parking space and drove off.

We were rather silent as I drove our way home. No words were spoken, just silence - a rather uncomfortable one which had me twitchy, but still grateful for I might say something stupid. I took a sneak peak at Dalton to check on him; his forehead was crinkled and was biting his lower lip - he must be thinking something really hard to make him look like that, but whatever it is, I hope it's not something bad.

Whatever happens today, happens.

Que sera, sera.

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If it was possible, I didn't have butterflies fluttering in my stomach like most reaction to nervousness. No, I didn't have those, unfortunately. To be exact, I was graced with Pterodactyls, angry winged dinosaurs flapping furiously on my stomach, assaulting my every gut to the point I wanted to bolt to the bathroom and heave ho like crazy as I waited for Dalton to come over.

Yes, that's how nervous I am and the suspense was killing me.

A soft knock brought me out of my thoughts and I shot up from my bed, panicking. Dalton's here.

This was it. We were finally going to talk. My heart was thumping hard like a drum. My hands were clammy all over again. I need to get a grip or I might never get this over with.

However, that panic subsided a bit as a soft familiar female voice called out behind my bedroom door, making me sigh in relief. God, for a moment there I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

"Charlie?" my sixteen year old sister, Caroline, called out. "Can I come in?"

With a small laugh, I said "Yeah, sure. Come on in."

My door opened and Caroline stepped in my room and shut the door behind her.

"Uh..."she started, standing by the door looking nervous. "Can I talk to you about something?"

I smiled. "Sure, baby sis," I said then patted the spot next to me on my bed. "Here, sit with me."

She strode towards my bed and sat at the spot I offered then gave me a nervous smile. "Thanks," she said quietly. This is odd. Caroline is acting timid and she was never the type to be nervous nor shy. 

"So, what do you want to talk about?" I asked curiously.

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. "Please don't be mad at me, okay? Please don't be mad at what I am about to say."

I laughed quietly. What on Earth was she talking about? Even though Caroline and I were complete opposite poles of a magnet, we got along great. All throughout the years of my mother's constant comparison and nagging for me to be a girly girl like her, we never got on each other's throats. Though there were times her prissiness annoyed me, she's still my sister and I love her.

"Don't be silly, Caroline," I assured with a smile. "I would never hate you."

She let out a breath of air. "Okay. Um...I  know that you are best friends with Dalton and..." she paused, squeezing my hands even more.

"And...?" I urged her on.

"Uh... I was wondering if you could help me... um.... help me... out with Dalton," she said, looking down to her lap, embarrassed.

Help her out with Dalton? Don't tell me... it can't be.

"What do you mean help you out with Dalton?" I asked cautiously, afraid of her response.

She looked up and stared at me. "Um... what I mean is that... I like Dalton," she said quietly. "And I need your help since you are his best friend."

All the things that I had planned to say to Dalton went down the drain. The heartfelt words, the emotion... everything evaporated in an instant as Caroline looked straight into my eyes with a desperation that I couldn't ignore.

When Caroline likes someone, she was serious about it. She wasn't the typical popular girl who would bitch or make your life a living hell, instead she was nice and would acknowledge you as a real person. The only flaw that she had was that when a guy breaks up with her or didn't take any interest in her, she would get depressed - like, clinically depressed. She'd starve herself for days or more, would mope in her room and only go out when nature calls. It scared the living daylights out of me, and once I even caught her shoving a finger down her throat to puke what she ate. She thought she was fat, that's why her ex-boyfriends broke up with her. And worst of all, she even tried to commit suicide with the last boyfriend that she had been with for a year and a half.

It was such a heartbreaking sight and the thought of blaming herself for the break up just because for the uncalled for insecurities was just too much.

But, there's Dalton. I had no idea what he was going to say and whatever it was, it's all up to our conversation so for now, I'd leave it as that.

"I'll try to talk to him about it, okay?" I said, almost choking on my own spit.

She beamed. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah, he's coming over anyway."

Right on cue, a soft knock ceased our conversation.

"I'm coming in!" an all too familiar voice yelled out.

The door swished open and Dalton, in all his handsome glory, walked in and shut the door behind him. "What's up, Grace sisters?" he greeted with a bright smile.

Caroline let go of my hand and smiled shyly. "Hi Dalton," she greeted, then stood up and walked towards the door. "I have homework to do, so I'll leave you guys." Before her hand touched the doorknob, she glanced over her shoulder for one last pleading look - the one that churned my guts in a most uncomfortable way - and turned her head back and opened the door, went out and shut it behind her.

As her footsteps grew inaudible, my nervousness increased to a ten fold as Dalton walked over to my bed and sat beside me, facing me with an intense look on his face.

"So, who starts first?" he asked.

"Um... you first," I suggested.

I needed him to go first because I had to be sure. His words, whatever it might be, would seal the deal.

Taking a deep breath, he took my hand to intertwine with his. "Charlie, we have been best friends for eight years now," he started, smiling. "I could still remember the day I first met you - God, I could never forget that day... it was... I don't know, I can't really describe it. It felt that we were meant to cross paths or something," he chuckled while shaking his head. "Geez, this is really difficult."

I grinned though on the inside; I was frightened for my life with the direction of his words. "I know right? I was that awesome," I joked.

He chuckled. "I know, that's the reason why I fell in love with you."

That took me by surprise and at the same time, I wanted to cry. Dalton is in love with me?

"W-what?" I stuttered, not knowing what to say.

He seemed to realize what he just said as his eyes went wide for a fraction then it went back to its original size, and in a matter of seconds, his sparkling forest green eyes held my dark blue ones captive with so much tenderness. This guy, my best friend, was looking at me like I was his everything, and it killed me.

"Charlotte Eliza Grace," he started, his voice low as a murmur, "I'm in love with you."

It was tense; the air was heavy and suffocating - I could hardly breathe. My heart was beating a mile a minute, not for fear, but for the impending heartbreak that was about to come - for me and for Dalton. I knew what I'm about to do was stupid and as for any person out there might think so too, but, I was thinking about Caroline.

I wish I could say that it was not my problem if Dalton likes me instead of her.

I wish I could say that my sister would get over it - like any teenager would undergo after heartbreak.

I wish it was that simple.

But it wasn't.

I couldn't live with myself if something would happen to Caroline.

With the pleading look she gave me, she was in love with Dalton too.

"Please say something, Charlie," he pleaded. "I feel so exposed here."

I gulped, delivering the killing blow. I'm so sorry Dalton... so, so sorry. I wish I could say I'm in love with you too, but I can't. I know I'm being a coward, I know I am, but I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me someday.

"I'm sorry, Dalton," I said, trying to look remorseful but I was struggling, with all my might to be convincing. "I love you too, but as a best friend only."

The look he gave me crushed me to pieces. He looked like he was punched in the gut twice, and had his ass mowed like grass, and mowed once again for added measure. The spark in his eyes went away... the spark that I'd seen for the last eight years gone, never to be seen again.

"Oh," was all he said.

"I'm so sorry, Dalton," I apologized again, squeezing his hand.

He let go of my hand as though it was hot coal and waved his hand dismissively. "It's okay."

That movement hurt me - I liked holding his hand, more than what I would have liked, but I had to swallow it all up and brush it off.

I'm doing this for a good cause, right?

"Caroline likes you though," I said, swallowing a lump that was lodge up on my throat. "She told me today that she likes you."

"Really?" he asked, trying to feign interest, but his voice didn't fool me. He was struggling too.

I nodded. "You should try asking her out. Who knows, you might like her too."

He looked torn, like he didn't like to entertain the thought of moving on to another girl. As for me, I held on to my indifferent and unwavering facade.

With a sigh, he said, "Alright, I guess I could give it a try."

"You should," I said and then, I embraced him tightly.

I just had to hug him, one last time. I knew nothing will ever be the same after this, not after I broke his heart. As I squeezed him tightly, I fought a sob that threatened to escape out my mouth, so I bit my lip, hard.

"I'm sorry, Dalton," I said shakily. "I hope that we will still be friends."

He squeezed my body tight. "Of course," he said, but we both know that would be impossible.

With one last squeeze, he let go of me and smiled sadly. "I have to go."

I could only nod as a response.

He got up from my bed and strode towards the door. Before his hand touched the doorknob, he paused and glanced behind his shoulder. He wanted to say something, anything as his mouth opened and then closed, but nothing came out from it. With a defeated look, he turned his head back and opened the door, got out and shut it behind him.

This sealed our fate - the end of Charlotte and Dalton.

And this time, the tears that I kept from spilling finally fell and then, I cried.

I cried for the loss of my best friend.

I cried for the happiness that I let go.

And lastly, I cried for myself.

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Graduation day  (July of 2007)

I didn't know if I could get past this heartbreak.

It was hard... so damn hard as I watched Dalton and Caroline from afar, looking happy as they could be.

For seven months, I tried my hardest to keep a neutral facade, as though I was okay and glad that they were together right in front of me, but when I was all alone in my room, I would cry my eyes out as I relieve the pain all over again.

However, I asked for this; my sister was happy, Dalton was happy. That's all that mattered in the end.

A week after the talk, Caroline burst into my room with a big smile on her face and told me the happy news about Dalton asking her out. I pretended to be elated with the news and she thanked me profusely so many times that it made me feel sick, but I held it in.

Seeing them intimate at school and at home was a living nightmare - the vision of them making out by the lockers, Dalton holding Caroline's hand while whispering sweet nothings into her ear, Caroline sitting on Dalton's lap during lunch... and here's the kicker, moaning his name while they made passionate love in her room.

Caroline knows that I'm moving to Los Angeles to attend UCLA instead of staying here in Colorado like I planned... well, like Dalton and I planned in the beginning since we got accepted at Colorado State University. When I got the letter that I got accepted into UCLA, I took that as my saving grace from everything and I made Caroline promise me that she will not tell him.

As I plopped my remaining luggage out the porch, I hoped and prayed that my family and Dalton won't get mad at me for not being there on our graduation. I had told my parents to go ahead because I had something else to do, but the truth is, I was leaving for Los Angeles today.

I didn't have the heart to face Dalton that I was leaving and never coming back.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I took it out, frowning at the screen readout.

Dalton.

There were so many words to say, so many words... but I couldn't let them out.

Finally, the taxi arrived to pick me up for the airport. I took one last look at the house I grew up for the last eighteen years, and then my gaze went to that familiar pale green house, right next to mine.

A tear fell.

Goodbye.

With a shaky sigh, I took my luggage, walked towards the taxi, got it all inside the trunk and closed it shut.  I rounded towards the back seat door, got inside and before you know it, I was off to the airport.

You know what's so sad?

The very person who told me that life and love was all about taking chances, was him.