DIGGING TO RELEASE

LOLA

It happened when I least expected it.

I was curled up on the back seat of Connor's car, my head a total mess as I tried to pull myself away from my reality even if it was going to be for just a second.

More than anything, I needed to catch my breath, and there was no way that was going to happen with me still stuck in my current reality.

"Are you fine?" Connor asked from the driver's seat, the warmth in his voice doing nothing to distract me from the despair of the embarrassment I had just been subjected to.

"I need to go home," I mumbled under my breath, shutting my eyes to my world collapsing.

The engine of the car roared back back to life as Connor silently honored my wishes.

By the time we got to the Langford mansion, my head was full and my eyes were heavy like lead had been plugged over them.

I should have let the tears fall, but instead, I bit down on my teeth and sucked it all up.

"Thank you," I muttered to Connor who was still sitting in the driver's seat minutes after he had turned off the ignition.

"I'm sorry. I should have listened to your concern." 

I had met Connor earlier, just before the moment that shrunk my reputation, when I almost went into the men's restroom.

In the chaotic state of my mind — at the fact that there was pole dancing on the order of events for the night, at the bulkiness of Connor's groin tight against the area of his zipper — I had managed to communicate my fears to him.

He told me not to worry. 

He said Eddy wouldn't go that far.

The tears clogged over my eye lids pushed harder to be released, but sniffling it back in, I pushed the door of the car open to let myself out, dumping his jacket which was formerly wrapped around my waist on the back seat.

I heard Connor honk once as I hurriedly made my way towards the house. I didn't look back.

My entire body was stiff as I pressed my back against the door after I let myself in.

My breathing was jagged, inconsistent, as I stared into the space of the empty hallway that led to the main living room.

It felt like I was continuously crumbling under, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I could only think about one thing — Freddy, and the solace he provided. The hope that I still meant something. 

My mind travelled up the stairs before my legs followed — hurriedly, desperately, because I was drowning and I needed urgent saving.

I didn't bother to knock before I pushed the door open, the voices in my head growing louder and killing me from the inside.

The room was empty, the hope that had grown inside of me crumbling like ice against fire.

"F*ck!" I breathed out loudly, my eyes roaming the space for an alternative.

The bed with the sheets dumped on them. 

A hockey T-shirt laying carelessly against the header of the bed. 

The top of the dressing table was surprisingly clean and empty.

The wardrobe — my gaze fell on the wardrobe and remained there.

My thoughts stormed against themselves in a chaotic jumble.

My feet moved, my hands right after.

It was easy to look through Freddy's clothes because they were quite few.

My fingers trailed against the suspended pile until they found his hoodie — the plain black one he would throw on whenever he felt too cold at midnight. I remembered it.

He doesn't send it to the laundry as often as he did the rest of his clothes, so it always had his scent.

My heart was thumping fast. 

Squeezing it between my palms, I pressed it tight against my nose and inhaled the familiar sweaty, heavy, flowery chocolate scent I had missed so much.

A part of me began to bloom as I drew another long breath with my nostrils still wedged between the fabric.

A moan escaped my throat.

I thought about how Freddy looked at me when we were still together — like I was the most beautiful creature to ever exist, and I wished I could pull those moments into a capsule and send it to Eddy's desk.

At that moment, my legs began to feel numb, but I couldn't break the satisfaction of the moment.

Slowly, I pulled my weight back, careful to not crash into anything, until I was resting against the wall beside the dressing mirror, the sharp cold of the cement piercing through my bones.

I felt a thickness crawl down my thighs and I gasped, pushing my face more into the fabric and sniffling more rapidly.

A thought plucked against the back of my head.

Dumping Freddy's sweatshirt on the bed, I turned until I was standing in front of the dressing mirror, a distance perfect for the mirror to cover a reasonable part of my body closely.

Then, without thinking twice, I began to undress, and in a couple of minutes, I had the leather costume, my bra and under tights on the floor.

Then, slowly, I began to trace lines on my body.

Starting from my collar bone, my fingers trailed downwards, between my bulky bre*sts until the folds of my clit.

I gasped, allowing my head to fall while supporting it with my free arm from the back.

A feeling built up rapidly in the corner of my chest — an uncontrollable feeling of need that I just couldn't contain.

My palms moved to the full of my girls, and I grabbed as much as I could fit and massaged them slowly, feeling every move and shake as I continued.

My feet trembled against the floor and my rose twitched to every beat of my breathing, my effort to remember how it felt to feel wanted.

"F*ck!" I squeezed the puff of flesh harder, the pressure crashing against my n*pples to cause a slight pain, but I couldn't stop.

My thighs felt sticky. I crossed one leg over the other and grinded my thighs against themselves, feeling the heat waves in every inch of my body.

My stomach hollowed in and my throat tightened to the pleasure my body no longer knew how to contain.

My fingers found their way back between my thighs.

I dug harder, my lips trembling helplessly apart.

I had hit a spot that made me want to scream, but the click of the door into its lock overtook my voice.

I froze, my eyes darting to my right, where the door stood shut just like I had thought I left it.

Freddy?

A heavy string of thoughts rippled through my mind, every one of them hinting at an urgency that could not be overlooked.

I hurriedly picked my clothes off the floor and forced them back on, scampering towards the door.