I relaxed back on the bed a little. For the first time in months, I felt like I could actually let go.Patrick had left California – I didn't need to be a mind-reader, but he had no reason to stay here. I made it clear that he wasn't getting any help from me anymore. I had my own life to think about now, my own growing up to do. I couldn't be the grown up for both of us anymore.And judging by the still-untitled essay on the page in front of me, I had a long way to go on the growing up scale. But life was like an essay: you just have to find the right words to put it together.Someone knocked at the door quietly. I frowned and looked at Maggie. She shrugged a shoulder and focused back on her school work. I moved my books over and slid off the bed, wondering who it could be. Leila would walk right in and Kayle... Well, it was no surprise we had no idea where she was.Jack's bright blue eyes crashed into mine when I opened the door. Shit shit shit shit!“What are you doing here?” I hiss
Something in me shattered as I walked away from her. I didn't know what it was, and I couldn't think straight enough to even care what it was. I just knew it was a big part of me – a big part of me that was all about her.“Fuck!” I punched the wall outside the frat house and rested my head against it. “Fuck,” I muttered more quietly, pushing off of it and storming through the door.The door slammed into the wall behind it, the noise rebounding off the walls of the hallway. I kicked it shut behind me, seeing red everywhere. Anger was all I could let myself feel.But anger at what? Her? Me? Anger because I fell? Anger because she played me like I should have her?“What the hell?” Austin's face appeared at the top of the stairs. “Jack?”I looked up at him, my chest heaving as I tried to control the bubbling emotions in my chest. I gripped the banister with a shaking hand and ran up the stairs two at a time, my shoulder knocking into Austin as I passed him.“Dude? What?” He threw his arms
I hadn't seen him for five days. I hadn't been to English because I was not ready to see him. The pain without him was bad enough. That all-encompassing loneliness. I didn't realize how much he took away the pain until.... Until he stopped being there to take it from me. I thought seeing him now would make it impossible. It was bad enough in my other classes – snide, triumphant looks from other girls, appreciative glances from the guys – all because I was not his anymore. All because it went the way everyone always thought it would. I never imagined it'd hurt so much. But Jack was right. I got what I wanted – what I originally wanted. Right now, I'd like nothing more than to have him wrap his arms around me and kiss the corners of my eyes, like he always used to whenever I was upset. But it was not like that anymore. I held my books tighter to my chest and ducked my head, hiding behind my hair. I'd dealt with pain before. I had suffered loss and heartbreak, I could do it again. It
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck and another fuck.I stared at the space she just left through. A great, big, gaping hole. That was what she does.She comes into your life in a wild burst of color, filling an empty space you didn't know was there. And when she leaves, she takes it all with her, painting it in shades of black and white.I pushed off the wall. I was determined to find her and explain. Two hands grabbed my arms.“Jack, leave her, bro.” Austin tugged me back. “Let her calm down.”Calm down? “No. Fuck no.”“Jack.” Maggie appeared in front of me and I tried to focus on her. “He's right. She needs to calm down.”“No,” I argued. “She needs to know the truth, Maggy! She needs to know the damn truth!”“And she will.” She cupped my face and made me look at her. Made me focus. “She will, when she's calm. She's hurtin', Jack. Let her deal with it.”Hurt. Hurt that I put there.Prick.I shook off Josh and Austin and headed for the backyard, slamming the door open hard. I stormed to the side of
The house was the same as I left it, and a half shiver ran down my spine as I stepped from the cab. I waved to the driver in thanks as he left and looked at the house properly.Built just outside of city limits, our two-story house had been home my whole life. I played on the now yellowing grass in the front yard, planted the wilting flowers and, with Patrick, helped Dad painted the little fence that surrounded it.A white picket fence. Cliché, but it was what Mom wanted - and Mom got it. It was the perfect family home. Until she died.Now, the house was a shell of what it once was. There was no laughing in the kitchen at breakfast, no water fought when the flowers needed watering, and no Candy, Mom's cocker spaniel, there to greet you at the front door. Candy went not long after Mom.I unhooked the gate and walked to the front door, tugging my suitcase along after me in the darkness. I knocked once on the door and stepped inside, noting the gentle light coming from the front room.“D
“New York? She's in fucking New York?” I yelled at Maggie and kicked the bar in the kitchen. “Why is she there?”“Because she doesn't want to be here,” she replied simply, sipping a lemonade.“Have a fucking point for your smart-ass board, Maggie,” I replied. “How are you so calm? She's in fucking New York!”“I know where she is. She's at her Dad's, and she's safe. She needs to-”“Don't you fuckin' dare tell me she needs to calm down! You told me that last night, and now she's not even here! If you'd just let me go after her-”“You would have done something stupid, like pin her against a wall and force her to listen to you.” Maggie looked at me pointedly.“Well,” I said uncomfortably. “It wouldn't be unrealistic to say I'd do that.”“Thank you.”“But that's not the point,” I protested. “The point is, she's in New York. I'm in fucking California. How am I supposed to tell her the truth?”“Which is what?”“You know, Maggie. Don't treat me like a fool.”“Y'know what, Jack?” Her blue eyes
After scrubbing the kitchen to work out the breakdown of this morning, I grabbed my coffee mug in both hands and sunk into one of the kitchen chairs. It was not quite Starbucks, but for the first time in a year, I didn't have the energy to make the run two blocks across to the nearest coffee shop.The floorboards creaked from upstairs, and a few seconds later Dad shuffled into the kitchen. He was already dressed – I guess I blocked everything out when I was cleaning.“Morning, Sandra.” He kissed the top of my head and stopped, looking around. “Kitchen looks clean.”I shrugged a shoulder. “I needed something to do.”He glanced at me as he poured a coffee. He took four tablets from the bottles lined behind the kettle and threw them back, washing them down with the coffee. Dad made his way to the table and sat opposite me, his gray-blue eyes studying me.“So,” I said to break the silence. “Do you usually sleep this late?”He grunted. “Like I said, damn tablets give me insomnia. So lately
It was Thursday night, and some prick – I didn't know who – had decided to have a party at the frat house. I'd put my money on Austin. He had been trying to get me out of my 'fuckin' ridiculous mood' since Sandra left.But it didn't work like that.She had been in Brooklyn for five days now. Every day she was there, shewas not here. I knew, Captain Fucking Obvious with that statement, but I wanted her here.I wanted her here in front of me so I could cup her cheeks and wipe away the tears. I wanted to hold her and promise her the world, apologize for everything. I wanted to know she felt the same. I wanted to know it wasn't just a game for her, either.The worst part was I'd play it all over again if it meant another few weeks where we were happy.“Look, I'm not interested.” I gently pushed yet another girl away from me. She pouted and sticked her chest out, batting her eyelashes. I sighed and shook my head, turning my attention to where Maggie was throwing back shots with Kayle. The