Two Years Ago: An Error in Judgment

Lana’s POV

Are you okay?’ Rune waits until we're away from room seventeen. I feel dazed, as though I’ve fallen from a horse and I’m not quite sure which way is up. Did everything that I think just happen, happen? I didn’t want to look back and acknowledge that I’ve got any difficulty in walking away. But I can’t help myself. I glance over my shoulder and pick out the large grey shape of Sir Madder standing by his bedroom. He’s a stranger, and I should run. But moving away from him feels wrong. There’s so much unresolved. What if I never see him again? Our paths haven't crossed in the twenty two years I’ve lived so far, why should they again?

‘Lana?’ She pats me on the arm as we walk, squelching through the puddles. This has to be the longest night ever.

‘I’m fine,’ I shake myself and force myself to smile at her. She glances back at Tim as we reach their room, number seven. I must have mis-read the paperwork with all the raindrops making smudges. He vanishes inside with a wave. Rune knows me better than anyone, and I’m grateful that it’s still so dark. That she won’t be able to see me clearly. I’m not someone who lies, it’s hard to hide my emotions; and in this particular moment, I don’t know what I’m even feeling. It’s everything.

‘Your sure?’

‘You know that Knight?’ I’m good at asking questions, that’s always my defence and she nods slowly.

‘Thade Madder, a lieutenant from near the North borders with Boren.’

‘Not too far from Nix then,’ I admit, wondering why I’ve never come across the man before. My parents don’t have much to do with Madder. Thade, it’s an interesting name. One that’s going to haunt my dreams for a while.

Rune nods her agreement, she pauses, pushing her fingers through her hair as she watches me. Considering what she wants to say, but Tim is back, grinning as he passes me my bag. I accept it, grateful. Grounding myself as I wrap my arms around the coarse fabric.

‘Get some rest?’ Rune encourages and I nod.

‘I’m looking forward to getting dry,’ I admit with a groan, and have never said something more true. She laughs at me but stands, waiting. I tilt my head, before rolling my eyes. She’s making sure I get to my room safely this time.

‘I’m not that accident prone!’ I protest again and she stares at me.

‘You’re a disaster magnet, Nix,’ she tells me, firm.

‘Lana,’ I correct her quickly, panic rising in the back of my throat. If there’s any chance the enigmatic Thade Madder might realise I’m nobility, I don’t want him to know. ‘It’s got to be Lana, or I’ll be no use to this investigation.’

‘Lana,’ Run confirms and leans back against her open door. Tim is hovering behind her. ‘If anyone can get lost, or abducted, or struck by lightning between here and five doors down, Lana. It’s you,’ she lifts her brow and usually I’d retort, but I can’t find the energy. I roll my eyes again and turn, making my way to my assigned room. I’ve never been so grateful to see a door.

The room is simple, and I shut the door behind me and lean back against it, back dropped to my feet. By the Otherworld, what happened to me? I press my hands against my face, they’re shaking. I came so close to ruin, if anyone suspected anything happened with Thade and I - my reputation would be lost. I’ve been allowed to travel with Rune and Tim, chaperones in my assistance to the crown.

Never, would my parents imagine that I’d be caught in such a compromised position. My breath comes fast. When Thade broke the kiss, and I could hear Tim shouting outside, I felt like cold water had been thrown over me. It brought me back to my senses and I’m shaking. My whole body releases the tension built within. I’m so cold, the rain has cooled in my soaked clothes and I’m shivering. Where does the cold start and the panic end? I run my fingers down my face and force myself to breathe. It was an accident, an error in judgement. I touch my lips and they sting, still scorched by his kisses.

What if I never see him again? An error in judgement I tell myself again, trying to be firm. Why do I want to turn back around and run to his room? I pause by the door, fighting the mad thought that I have to be with him. It’s an obsession, an infatuation. That’s all it can be, and it’s best forgotten. I make myself walk away from the door, I need a fire before I freeze.

I grab my bag, dragging it towards the hearth so I can find tinder. Grateful to spot that the fire is already set and ready to go. My hands clench, icy as I struggle striking a spark. Focus, I tell myself. I can do this, it’s just lighting a fire. I strike the tinder twice before the metal rod slips out of my fingers. I hiss, the flint stone catching on my palm, scratching it.

‘Ow,’ I bite my lip, frustrated as I pick up the pieces again. Huddled by the hearth I strike again before the sparks fly, catching on some soft wadding and starting to burn. Spreading quickly through the stacked wood.

I stand, watching the fire and lift a hand to my cheek, I can’t go. I can’t go running off to his room again. It takes everything I have to stand still and enjoy the warmth of the flames. I lift my hands, pulling carefully at the knot that fastens my dress together. We were so nearly caught…and I the look on his face as he pulled on the little white cord, threatening to undress me is burned in my memory. Twenty two years old and my first kiss is going to be my last. I don’t want to marry and give up my dreams in exchange for a noble household and hundred children. I’m lucky, I have older siblings and my parents have allowed me my education. I let out the slow sigh, trying to release the tension in my body, but despite the fire I’m still shivering and he’s left me wet, between my thighs. I’ve pleasured myself before and I exhale, at least I’ll have something to really…imagine when I lay down to sleep tonight.

I trail my fingers across the cord. What would it have been like? If he had pulled it completely free… my shift is underneath but it’s so wet it must be see through. Would he have enjoyed that? He said that I was beautiful, and I believed him.

I hear the door and bow my head, I can’t face Rune right now. If she suspects something’s happened and can’t hold back her questions anymore. She doesn’t say anything and all the hairs raise on the back of my neck as I hear the door close once more. Maybe she left…

Then there’s a click, as the door locks and I can feel his presence in the space. I suck in a breath, hardly daring to move. He crosses the floorboards and stands behind me. I can feel the heat of his body as he reaches out and brushes the hair from my shoulders, exposing my neck. I shiver but his lips press against my skin, warm and soft and I’m melting. He’s a drug. One touch and I’m thrown back into a reality where I don’t recognise myself.

‘Thade…’ his name tumbles from lips.

I can’t do this.