90. His Weakness (2)

After blowing his heart and mind, Josh stood still and stunned. His consciousness seemed to drift suddenly. Like someone who just woke up from being possessed. His gaze towards Ashley became unfocused. The muscles of his eyes trembled from the outburst of tension as well as a reflection of regret that immediately hit him very hard.

In front of him, Ashley was looking at him with a very shocked expression.

Josh's body stiffened. Not merely because he was afraid of adding new wounds to the girl or because of his yelling and anger. But because he was confused about what else to do to make up for it. He had come home with the intention of clearing up any misunderstandings with Ashley's parents, as well as repairing—though perhaps only slightly—his complicated relationship with Ashley. 

But now he was successfully acting the opposite. 

Instead of being a kind and calm person, Josh has revealed a side of himself that Ashley shouldn't ever know about.

Ashley's unorganized groceries, that were still scattered on the kitchen table, became untouched. A mixture of shock, annoyance, sadness, confusion, made her join him in a traumatized state. This was the first time she had witnessed Josh's anger so explosive that the sound of his shouting made her ears and heart hurt.

The atmosphere in the kitchen instantly became very tense. 

There was only silence as the two of them stared at each other locked in their emotions towards each other.

But instead, the silence became a boisterous and deafening noise for Josh. Because there was no room left to enter, no more gap to just slip the word ‘sorry’ that had almost escaped his lips before his uncontrollable rage.

Everything failed just because he lost control and spewed out anger that he should never have done towards Ashley.

In that agonizing situation, Josh tried to read Ashley's expression to find the slightest chance to make up for what he had done. 

But Ashley didn't show anything. The girl's face had now turned flat and cold. Then, quietly, her head was bowed and she went back to sorting her cherries into the basin to be washed later. 

Her demeanor showed as if the disaster she had just witnessed was not something she had to respond to.

Ashley, now, completely ignored Josh successfully.

Josh clasped his own fingers behind his back. Regret was building up inside his head. 

He had really intended to fix everything. But what he did was just the opposite. 

He lost control. He raised his voice. She yelled at the woman who even she knew had no intention of hurting her. Ashley might be annoying in her eyes, but the girl never tried to hurt anyone. In fact, she was the one who always hurt Ashley. 

Josh knew very well that he had become an unrecognizable figure because he was entangled in this very complicated web of problems. He hated to hear it from his own mouth, but he couldn't deny the anger he had to validate. He was really angry with everyone and the attitude they showed towards him.

Even though now the guilt was coming in like a tsunami drowning all his strongholds, Josh's mind still insisted that he had every right to be angry.

He never thought things would get this complicated. Everything he had done and planned for their marriage should have been the right and safest path. But instead, it was like a minefield. Around every corner was a new wound he was inflicting on everyone, every step was an unintentional mistake he was making, and Josh felt like he was walking on glass—afraid of hurting more people, but also in pain from holding back.

What hurt more, Josh realized, was that his anger wasn't entirely for Ashley. But Ashley was the only place he could release it. And that made things worse. 

He realized how unfair he was to her. But on the other hand... how can he not get angry? How could he keep his cool, when the world seemed to demand that he be someone who had to do the right thing and fulfill all the wishes of those around him?

The peak of his frustration that he could no longer contain was the incident when Sharon tried to commit suicide because of him. 

Sharon—the woman who once filled his life with laughter and tears, the woman who is now the faintest but deepest wound in his heart. As a result of Somun's unexpected presence, he may have had a moment of realization about his relationship with Sharon. He became uncertain about his feelings for her, and vice versa—did he still love Sharon, or did the girl still have the same love for him.

But was it possible that he could completely ignore her? Could he possibly forget their history just like that?

Because when he really did—ignoring Sharon—the repercussions were not simple. And it was a huge mistake he now had to pay for.

Josh knew he had created a storm for his own life, for Sharon, and for Ashley. But what he couldn't understand was why everyone seemed to be throwing their personal feelings and desires onto his shoulders.

And now... Ashley was silent. The girl with her very strange silence, was annoying and made Josh feel even angrier. An indifferent attitude that made Josh want to shout even louder—not to attack, but because he didn't know what to say. Because in that silence, Ashley was sending the most painful message that the girl really no longer wanted to hear him anymore and meant what she had just said—ignoring him.

Josh looked down. His fingers were now firmly gripping the underside of the kitchen table. He felt like an invisible ghost. 

Josh had really managed to let all of this become a pile of guilt that was too much for him to fix.

He wanted to come closer. Wanted to tell Ashley that everything he was doing was just a form of frustration that he couldn't untangle. And he was too scared of making things even more unsalvageable.

Josh took a deep breath. The air in the kitchen now felt too cold, but also too heavy. 

Ashley was still in front of him. Across from him. The kitchen table was still the only barrier between them. But, he felt, that distance between both of them was widening many times over.