The Feeling I Shouldn't Have

Napailing ako agad sa sarili ko.

Hindi.

Hindi iyon ang dahilan.

Pagod lang ako.

Siguro dahil ilang araw din naming pinagtrabahuhan ang project na iyon. Siguro dahil sa wakas, natapos na rin.

Siguro dahil nakahinga na ako nang maluwag matapos ang ilang gabing halos wala akong tulog.

Iyon lang.

Walang ibang dahilan.

"Annika."

Napatingin ako kay Rafael.

Nakatingin siya sa akin habang nakangiti.

"Ano?"

"Kanina ka pa nakangiti."

Agad kong pinigilan ang sarili ko.

"Hindi."

"Ngumiti ka."

"Normal lang."

"Normal?"

Tumango ako.

"Oo."

Lumapit siya nang kaunti.

"Para masayang-masaya ka."

"Masaya lang ako dahil tapos na."

"Sure."

"Anong ibig mong sabihin sa 'sure'?"

"Wala."

Ngumiti siya.

Iyon na naman.

Iyong ngiting parang may alam siyang hindi ko alam.

"Rafael."

"Hmm?"

"May sasabihin ka ba?"

Umiling siya.

"Wala."

"Sigurado ka?"

"Oo."

"Then stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like..."

Natigil ako.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag.

Parang may kakaiba sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin.

Hindi iyon ang usual niyang tingin.

Kaya bago pa ako makapag-isip ng ibang sasabihin, tumayo ako.

"Uuwi na ako."

Tumayo rin siya.

"Hintayin mo ako."

"Why?"

"Uuwi rin ako."

"May sarili kang sasakyan."

"Alam ko."

"Then go."

"Ang cold mo."

"Sanay ka naman."

Tumawa siya.

"Fair."

Paglabas namin ng classroom, sinalubong kami ng ilang kaklase.

"Congratulations!"

"Ang galing niyo!"

"Perfect team!"

Napangiti ako.

"Thank you."

May isang babae na biglang sumingit.

"Honestly, hindi na ako nagulat."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"Bakit?"

"Because you two are always competing. Obviously, you know how each other thinks."

May tumawa.

"Exactly!"

"Academic power couple!"

Napatigil ako.

"Excuse me?"

"Power couple," ulit ng isa.

"Hindi kami couple."

Mabilis kong sagot.

Napatingin ako kay Rafael.

Hindi siya sumagot.

Sa halip, ngumiti lamang siya.

Napailing siya.

Pagdating namin sa cafeteria, umupo ako kasama ang mga kaklase ko.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko at tiningnan ang mga notifications.

May message mula kay Mama.

Dinner tonight. Don't be late.

Napabuntong-hininga ako.

Mula nang lumipat kami sa Montero house, parang kailangan kong sanayin ang sarili ko sa bagong buhay.

Bagong bahay.

Bagong routine.

Bagong pamilya.

At... Kay Rafael.

Napatingin ako sa kabilang table.

Nandoon siya kasama ang basketball team.

Tumatawa sila.

May isa sa mga teammates niya na may sinabi.

Tumawa si Rafael.

Ang gaan ng mukha niya.

Ibang-iba siya kapag kasama ang mga kaibigan niya.

Hindi siya iyong Rafael na palaging nang-aasar sa akin.

Hindi rin siya iyong mayabang na nakikita ko sa classroom.

Mas relaxed.

At hindi ko alam kung bakit...

gusto kong makita ang ganitong side niya.

"Annika."

Napalingon ako.

"Yes?"

"You've been staring."

Napakurap ako.

"Who?"

Tumawa ang kaklase ko.

"Don't act innocent."

"Hindi ako nakatingin."

"You're looking at Rafael."

"Hindi."

"Annika."

"Fine."

Napabuntong-hininga ako.

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Okay. Oo."

Ngumiti siya.

"Why?"

"Wala."

"Do you like him?"

Halos mabilaukan ako.

"What?"

"Rafael."

"No."

Mabilis.

Masyadong mabilis.

Napansin niya.

"Ang bilis mong sumagot."

"Because the answer is obvious."

"What answer?"

"Of course I don't like him."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Okay."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Nothing."

"Stop."

Tumawa siya.

"Fine."

Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa pagkain ko.

Pero kahit anong gawin ko...

ramdam kong mali ang sagot ko.

Hindi ko siya gusto.

Hindi dapat.

He's my rival and my step brother

My mother's stepson's son.

My...

I stopped.

Hindi ko na gustong isipin.

"Annika."

Napatingin ako.

Nakatayo sa tabi ng table namin si Rafael.

May hawak siyang bottled water.

"Yes?"

"May meeting tayo mamaya."

"Anong meeting?"

"Our project."

"Project?"

"Professor said we need to submit the final documentation tomorrow."

Napatingin ako sa phone ko.

Tama.

Nakalimutan ko.

"Right."

"Library?"

"Okay."

"After your last class?"

"Sure."

Tumango siya.

Then he looked at my untouched food.

"You haven't eaten."

"I will."

"Later?"

"Yes."

"Don't."

Napakunot ang noo ko.

"What?"

"Eat now."

"Rafael..."

"You've been studying since morning."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know."

Then he placed the bottle of water on the table.

"But take care of yourself anyway."

Natahimik ako.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin.

He simply walked away.

Tiningnan ko ang bottled water.

Then him.

Then the water again.

"Annika..."

Napatingin ako sa kaklase ko.

"What?"

She smiled.

"Nothing."

"Don't."

"I didn't say anything."

"But you're thinking it."

She laughed.

After my last class, pumunta ako sa library.

Nandoon na si Rafael.

Nakaupo siya sa isang table sa sulok.

May laptop sa harap niya.

May dalawang folder.

At may...

coffee.

Nang makita niya ako, itinulak niya ang isang cup toward me.

"For you."

Tiningnan ko iyon.

"What's this?"

"Coffee."

"I can see that."

"Then we're making progress."

Napailing ako.

"What kind?"

"Your usual."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"How did you know?"

He shrugged.

"You always order the same thing."

I stared at him.

"How long have you been noticing?"

He paused.

"Long enough."

Something in my chest tightened.

I immediately looked away.

"Thanks."

I sat down.

For the next hour, we worked.

Tahimik.

Walang argument.

Walang asaran.

At mas lalo akong hindi komportable.

Because I was beginning to enjoy the silence.

Usually, when Rafael was around, I wanted to argue.

I wanted to beat him.

I wanted to prove I was better.

But today...

I simply liked having him there.

He didn't distract me.

He didn't annoy me.

He just worked beside me.

Every now and then, he would ask something.

I'd answer.

I'd ask something.

He'd answer.

Simple.

Easy.

Almost normal.

And that was what frightened me.

"Annika."

"Hmm?"

"You're doing it again."

I looked up.

"Doing what?"

"Thinking too much."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're staring at the same page."

I looked down.

He was right.

I sighed.

"Just tired."

"Then take a break."

"I can't."

"You can."

"I need to finish this."

"You already finished."

I looked at my laptop.

I had.

I hadn't even noticed.

"See?"

He smiled.

"You work too hard."

I leaned back.

"And you don't?"

"I know when to stop."

"You're lucky."

"Why?"

"Because I don't."

He stared at me.

Then quietly said,

"Maybe you should learn."

I looked at him.

There was something serious in his expression.

Not teasing.

Not joking.

Just concern.

And for some reason, that affected me.

"Why do you care?"

He didn't answer immediately.

He looked down at his laptop.

Then back at me.

"Because I do."

Two words.

But they stayed in my head.

We left the library at around seven.

The hallway was almost empty.

I checked my phone.

Several missed calls from my mother were flashing on my screen.

I immediately called her back.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Where are you?”

“School.”

“It’s already late, Annika.”

“May tinatapos pa kaming project, Mom,” I explained, glancing at the clock. “

There was a brief silence on the other line.

“Who’s with you?”

“Rafael.”

“Rafael?” she repeated, her voice suddenly more curious. “You’re still at school with him?”

I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see me.

“Mom, project lang.”

“Fine. Just don’t stay too late. You still have class tomorrow.”

“I know. I’ll be home soon.”

“Promise.”

“Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

“Okay, Mom. See you later.”

“See you, anak.”

I ended the call.

Rafael was standing beside me.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes."

"Need a ride?"

"I have my own car remember?"

"Ah, I'm sorry I forgot

Napangiti nalang ako at naglakad palayo sa kanya

He followed.

I looked at him.

"You don't have to follow me."

"I know."

"Then why are you?"

"Because we're going home."

"Separate cars."

"I know."

"Then—"

"I'll drive behind you."

I stopped.

"Why?"

He looked at me.

"Because I said I would."

I didn't know what to say.

So I just continued walking.

When we reached the parking lot, I suddenly heard a familiar voice.

"Annika."

I turned.

It was Ethan.

One of my classmates.

He smiled.

"Hey."

"Hi."

He walked toward us.

"Congratulations earlier."

"Thanks."

"You were amazing."

"Thank you."

His eyes moved toward Rafael.

"Hey."

Rafael nodded.

"Hey."

There was a strange silence.

Ethan looked at me.

"Are you free tomorrow?"

I blinked.

"Why?"

"I was thinking maybe we could study together."

Before I could answer, Rafael spoke.

"She has plans."

I turned sharply.

"What?"

Rafael looked at me.

"Our project."

"I can decide for myself."

"I know."

Ethan smiled awkwardly.

"Right."

He looked at me.

"Maybe another time?"

"Sure."

He left.

I immediately turned to Rafael.

"What was that?"

"What?"

"You answered for me."

"I was helping."

"I didn't ask for help."

He shrugged.

"Sorry."

His tone was surprisingly calm.

I stared at him.

Then I realized something.

He wasn't annoyed.

He wasn't angry.

He looked...

jealous.

I almost laughed at the thought.

No.

Impossible.

"You're weird."

He smiled.

"I've been told."

I shook my head.

Then I got into my car.

Before I closed the door, I looked at him.

"Good night."

He stood beside his car.

"Good night, Annika."

I closed the door.

But as I drove away, one question kept repeating in my mind.

Why did Rafael care who I talked to?

And why...

did a small part of me like that he did?

That night, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

I tried to study.

I couldn't.

I tried to watch something.

I couldn't focus.

So I grabbed my phone.

There I saw a several messages from Rafael.

Don't forget the final file.

And sleep early

I stared at the message then type."

You're not my mother.

His reply came almost immediately.

I know.

I smiled.

Before I could stop myself.

another message appeared.

I'm worse.

I laughed quietly while typing again.

Good night."

Three dots appeared.

Good night Annika

I stared at the screen.

For some reason, I didn't want to put my phone down.

And, that was when I realized something I had been trying very hard not to notice.

Rafael Montero wasn't just getting my attention anymore.

He was getting into my thoughts.

Into my routine.

Into the quiet moments of my day.

And somehow...

I was starting to look for him.

I hated that realization.

Because there was one thing I knew with absolute certainty.

I could never fall for Rafael Montero.

Not him.

Not the boy who had spent years making me crazy.

Not the person I now had to see every morning under the same roof.

And definitely not the boy who seemed to be looking at me differently lately.

I turned off my phone then closed my eyes.

And tried to convince myself that whatever was happening between us...

was nothing.

Just two rivals learning how to coexist.

Nothing more.

But somewhere deep inside me, a small voice whispered the truth I wasn't ready to hear.

I was beginning to wonder what it would feel like if Rafael Montero looked at me... not as his rival, but as something more.

And that thought scared me more than any argument we'd ever had.