INICIAR SESIÓNThe second I see Ryan standing there in Catherine’s living room with his arms around Jeremy, every instinct in my body screams at me to move.I turn and push through the crowd of people holding paper plates and plastic cups, keeping my head down, moving as fast as I can without running because running would draw attention and attention is the last thing I need right now.My pulse is loud in my ears and I can feel sweat starting to form along my hairline despite the cool air coming through the open windows.I slip past a group of older women talking near the hallway entrance and duck into the first room I find, Catherine’s bedroom, pressing myself against the wall beside the door where I have a clear view of the living room through the narrow opening.Ryan’s still there talking to Jeremy and Jamel, his mouth moving as he gestures with one hand, and beside him is his mother, shorter than I remember with her dark hair pulled back in a neat bun, wearing a black dress and speaking quietly
He stands behind the podium and looks out at everyone gathered there, and for a long moment he doesn’t say anything, just stands there with his jaw working like he’s trying to find the words.Finally he speaks and his voice is rough but steady.“When I was a kid I used to draw my mom every single day,” he says. “I’d sit at the kitchen table with my crayons and my paper and I’d draw her over and over, and she’d look at every single one like it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen, even when it was just stick figures that barely looked like anything.”A few people in the congregation laugh softly through their tears.“She made me feel like I could do anything,” Jeremy continues, and now his voice is starting to shake. “Like I was enough, like I mattered, even when I didn’t believe it myself, she never stopped believing in me.”He pauses and looks at the casket, stares at it for a long moment.“I wasn’t ready to lose her,” he says quietly. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”The
The church is small and old with wooden pews that creak when you sit down and stained glass windows that cast colored light across the floor in shades of blue and gold.It’s fuller than I expected. People packed into every available seat, some standing along the back wall. Catherine was loved by more people than just her sons.I’m sitting in the front row beside Jeremy with Jamel on his other side, and Jeremy hasn’t said a word since we got here, just sits with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes fixed straight ahead on the simple wooden casket at the front of the room.There are flowers everywhere, arrangements sent by people who knew Catherine or heard about her passing, and the smell of lilies is so strong it makes my stomach turn a little.At the front of the church beside the casket there’s a large framed photograph of Catherine, and it must be from years ago because she looks so different from the frail woman I met in the hospital. In this picture she’s smiling wide, her e
Catherine smiles one more time, this tiny peaceful thing. “I love you both so much.”“We love you too, Mom,” Jamel chokes out.Her breathing is slowing down, each breath coming further apart than the last. Jeremy leans forward and presses his forehead against their joined hands.“Please don’t go,” he whispers. “I’m not ready to lose you.”“You’ll never lose me, baby,” Catherine says, so quiet I almost can’t hear her. “I’m always with you, always, no matter what.”Then her eyes close completely.Her chest rises one more time.Falls.Then—Nothing.The heart monitor lets out a long, steady beep that seems to echo off every wall in the small room.Jeremy’s head snaps up, eyes wide and disbelieving. “Mom?”The beeping continues, flat and endless. Nurses rush into the room, moving quickly and efficiently, and the doctor follows right behind them.They check Catherine’s pulse, check the monitors, and I watch the doctor’s face as he realizes what everyone in this room already knows.He look
Jeremy drives like the world is ending.Flying down the empty highway at speeds that make my hands grip the door handle, the streetlights blurring past in streaks of yellow and white.I don’t tell him to slow down because I understand, understand the panic driving his foot down on the accelerator, understand the terror that if he doesn’t get there fast enough he’ll miss his chance to say goodbye.The hospital appears in the distance and Jeremy takes the turn into the parking lot so fast the tires squeal, and he barely gets the car into a spot before he’s out and running toward the entrance.I follow as quickly as I can, my legs not quite keeping up with his longer stride.Inside the hospital is different at this hour, quieter somehow even though it’s never really quiet, the fluorescent lights seeming harsher against the darkness outside.Jamel is standing in the hallway outside Catherine’s room and when he sees us his face crumples with relief.His eyes are red and swollen like he’s b
When I come back to Jeremy’s room he’s sitting on the floor with his back against the bed, and he’s holding one of the drawings in his hands, the stick-figure family with the three people and no dad.I close the door quietly behind me and walk across the room, sinking down onto the floor beside him without saying anything.He doesn’t look at me, just keeps staring at the drawing with his thumb brushing back and forth over the crayon lines like he’s trying to memorize every detail.The silence stretches out between us but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward, just heavy with all the emotions he’s feeling that he doesn’t have words for yet.Finally he speaks and his voice comes out rough and quiet. “I used to draw her every single day when I was a kid.”I look at all the portraits covering the walls, Catherine in so many different styles that show Jeremy’s artistic ability growing over the years.“She was my whole world,” he continues, and I can hear his voice starting to shake. “Af
I’m still in bed when Jeremy comes back three hours later, propped up against the pillows, the plate of toast and scrambled eggs he made me eat sitting empty on the nightstand.“It’s done,” he says, holding up my phone. “Everything’s wiped. I had him do a full factory reset and reinstall everythin
I wake up to the feeling of something cool pressed against my forehead and for a second I don’t know where I am, I don't remember how I got here.The ceiling above me isn’t mine.Neither is the bed.I try to sit up and a hand gently pushes me back down.“Easy,” Jeremy’s voice says from somewhere cl
I take a cab back to the apartment I share with Ryan—the one he pays for while I scramble to cover groceries and utilities with my bookstore salary and the second I walk through the door I know I can’t stay here.I can’t be here when he comes back from wherever the hell he’s been for three months.
I’m on the phone with Reina telling her about the new bookstore that opened downtown when Doctor Kent walks in carrying a manila folder.“Hey, the doctor just walked in,” I say into the phone. “Let me call you back.”“Okay babe, let me know what she says,” Reina says, and I can hear traffic in the







