Captain Underpants Poopypants Novels & Stories

he tosses out, and immediately the group erupts with laughter. I offer a small chuckle, trying not to be bothered. “Very funny,” I say. “Okay, what’s your real name, please?” “My first name is Butt,” he insists. “Last name is Poop.” Once more, this makes everyone laugh hysterically, and I have to resist the urge to sigh. I forgot just how funny five-year-olds think potty words can be. “My name is Puke!” another boy calls out. “And I’m Pee!” a little girl declares.

“Can you give these to your asshole Captain?” His mouth parted. “Ass what?” he chuckles, “he really get into your nerves.” “Just give these to him,” I said in a monotone voice. He raised both of his arms. “Of course. I surrender, my lady.” Fool. “Hurry up.” He scratched the back of his neck as he grab the three paper bags on the floor. “But Captain just texted me that you should keep those,” Alas interfered that made me froze. “Que culo!” I hissed. “I don’t care about it! Just give those to him!”

“When are you going to grow up and stop sleeping around?” I sat back in my chair, rubbing a hand over face, trying to wake up a little more. “When my dick shrivels up and falls off,” I joked. Before he could answer, the captain walked in the room and everyone went quiet, listening to last minute instructions before we all piled into two vans and headed to the location.

The corporate wars were still active on the division servers, but the hockey captain and his plus-size nutritionist were no longer running from the storm. ​We had crossed the boundary, and our future was completely secure.

Gay. I figured it out when I was twelve. I had snuck into my friend's older sister Chloe's room bedroom when she was at a birthday party. She was sixteen. She had a DVD popped in the player. The DVD case had said the title was "Rainbow Boys in New York". That was it. No cover or anything, just the words. Being twelve, the fact that I was in my sister's room was exciting and the DVD had me curious. So I watched it. All sixty-six minutes of guys in speedos making out with one another. It was the first porno I ever watched and it seemed to be the only I've ever liked.

Daisy, as if the entire novel weren’t a slow-motion warning about mistaking obsession for love when Priya dropped an iPad on top of her homework with the reverence of someone delivering a subpoena. “You need to see this.” “I need to finish grading these or Professor Alden’s going to make me retake comp myself.” “Bella. Look.” She looked. It was a video some hockey player, dark hair, broad shoulders, absolutely leveling another player into the boards while the crowd screamed. The caption read: NORTHRIDGE CAPTAIN LUCA DE SANTIS GOES VIRAL FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS. “Okay,” Isabella said slowly. “And I care about this because…?”

“Thank you. I’m so proud to have a daughter who can give performance reviews before eight in the morning.” “Daddy’s not mean.” “He’s never seen you pour glitter into an air-conditioning vent.” “It was an experiment.” “It was a crime.” Poppy took a sip of milk, her green eyes watching me through her bangs like I was some junior employee who still didn’t understand the company vision. “Daddy calls me Captain.” “Because he wants his life ruined in creative ways.” “Captain is good.” “Captain is good on a boat. At home, Captain Poppy uses Barbie as a hostage so she doesn’t have to eat carrots.”

Captain giggled excitedly with no ounce of guilt. “No wonder I like you so much.” “Oh why thank you. Hahahaha.” Look at that…” One of the Mandrill Monkey shook his head. That angelic voice sighed. “There we go again.” His eyes plastered on Captain's delightful expression. “That sadistic homo sapian.” “That’s your captain, alright.” Brown slipped up his arm on that angelic voice. “You should be grateful, Petal.” Petal or that angelic voice just chuckled beautifully.

Annika promised the skipper. Annika was thrilled to be sitting by his side; she was curious about what was on his computer, so the captain opened the albums on his computer and showed her some images. "This is me when I was a baby," Captain said, displaying his cutest baby photographs. He was a small fat baby with the grayest eyes and red lips pink infant you'll ever see. "I seem like a little piggy here, don't I?" the skipper jokes about his newborn photographs. Annika's response: "I want a kid like that!" laughing! "Oh, be cautious what you say, ha! ha! ha!" the captain says in response to her jokes.

"Fuck out here." Matt didn't even move an inch but he sneered, his usual bravado in his expression. “Aww, Captain, I think the queer has a crush on you.” His eyes gleamed with menace. “Sorry, but everyone knows our captain Noah likes slim girls, not queers butt fairies like you.”