Funny Quotes Groucho Marx Novels & Stories

“Toughest guy in New York doesn’t usually play handyman.” “Clearly.” I grinned. “You look like you’re about to lose a fight to a picnic table.” Marco stood up straight, raising an eyebrow. “Keep talking, Sarah.” I threw my hands up. “Hey, I’m just saying, this is better than TV.” He walked toward me, slow and cocky, but I could see the laughter under it all. “You think this is funny?” “I think it’s adorable,” I teased. “You trying to figure out which end of the wrench to use.”

I shook my head and went to sit across Audrey. She was laughing at the quotes on the wall. “These are hilarious,” she said, reading one aloud: ‘I don’t need you to brag about me, I just don’t want you to deny me in front of people. – FART!’ Her laughter burst out, filling the café. I just stared, completely captivated. Every laugh, every sparkle in her eyes, it was contagious. “Here’s another one!” she giggled. ‘What a life! Eggs every single day… eggs, eggs, eggs… Do you know who said that?’ Her eyes gleamed mischievously.

He said “Don’t forget to smile, you are beginning to get wrinkles from frowning.” I cab drove off before I could throw Sir Spills-a-Lot at his head.

“You are the only person who has ever really listened without making it weird,” Zack admits, his voice dropping to a lower register. “Everyone else either starts crying or tries to give me inspirational quotes or something.” The wind rustles through a nearby oak branches overhead while they sit in comfortable silence for a moment. “Inspirational quotes,” she echoed. “That is a new one. What like ‘hang in there’ cat posters? Weird.”

“Why would I change when you’ll never stop trying to earn a joke from every situation?” “Isn’t life more fun with jokes? Something to laugh about once in a while. You know, it makes the world beautiful and fun when it’s dark. Studies even say laughter heals faster than herbs do. Lowers pain, strengthens the heart, clears the head. Makes the blood flow freer. In short — that’s why I’m looking younger and living longer. Which of those old people in the pack is as old as me, uh? None. I’m the oldest.”

"Got it, Marco. Leave it to me." Marco nodded slightly. "I'll go say a few words." He then walked over to the crowd. "I know you feel terrible about being tricked into coming here, but there's an old American saying: 'Since you're here, make the best of it.' If any of you keep challenging our bottom line, you'll lose your lives. We only lose money, but you lose your lives." Frasier raised his electric baton and pointed it at the crowd. "Are you deaf? Did you remember what Marco said? If not, let me help you remember."

“You really had the nerve to answer me, you maid! I will get you fired from your job so your arrogance diminishes!” “Hey!” Alexa also pointed at the woman. “Look in the mirror first before you criticize other people’s behavior. If I’m arrogant, what else are you? You’re shocking. What did you eat this morning, and you’re angry with me? And you’re even blaming the rag, which is silently lying on the floor out of your fussiness.” Charles couldn’t hold back the laughter he had been suppressing for a while. When Jackie turned to him, he bowed again. “What’s so funny, huh?” Jackie yelled at the old man who looked hunched over as he stood.

Roger replied as he tried to imitate Mae West as well. “Of all the fabulous Mae West quotes to pick from, you go with that?” Chris chuckled as she planted herself on the sofa next to him. “It’s the best I could come up with on such short notice,” he shrugged. I placed my elbows on my desk and held my face in the palms of my hands. “Tough day, honey?” Roger asked. “Every day’s a tough day,” I replied. “Our little Gertie found herself a new man,” Chris teased.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the buggers." Memorable Quotes "Scattered showers my ass!" Noah. "I have no problem with you talking to yourself as long as it doesn't turn into an argument" Woody Allen. "If at first you don't succeed try, try again. Then quit. There's no point being a damn fool about it." W.C.Fields. "The one thing that all porn stars have in common is a dread of filming the scenes that don't involve sex" Fanny Lightfoot (Porn Movie Director) "For every human problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." H. L. Mencken

“Miracles do happen. Maybe you and old Marsh will become the best of friends.” “And pigs will fly, and my ships will sink.” He laughed and finished off his beer. “You really shouldn’t have jinxed yourself like that.”