I Feel Like I Lost Myself Novels & Stories

The impact was expectedly explosive and here I am now, lost and wandering. I don’t think I will ever find myself ever again. I remember the first time I lost myself, I was in the worst possible situation—or so I thought—but when Jayler showed up in my life, I found myself again. I found it whole and I became better, a lot more whole than ever before. But I was wrong before, now, I was in the actual worst situation. The actual basement of rock bottom. Who would’ve thought that the person who helped you find your once lost self would be the same person who would make you lose it again?

And I hoped I wouldn’t lose myself in the process. I glanced around, my eyes scanning the room, and suddenly, the weight of everything hit me. I felt like I was sinking, trapped in a mess I wasn’t sure I could get out of. The pressure was suffocating, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was losing myself with every passing second.

He responded. “Why is that?” There was a small silence, before he finally spoke, “After my parents died, I was…lost. Let’s just say I needed time to find myself again.” I raised my head from his chest, “And did you… find yourself?” He laughed dryly, “I like to deceive myself that I have.” I scoffed, “Welcome to the club.” He chuckled, “Are you lost too?” “Who isn’t? There are pieces of ourselves that just disappear with time and by the time we even realize something is missing, we’re already a shadow of ourselves.”

I used to love meeting new people, love making new friends. But now, all of those things seemed like distant memories. Now, I was too scared to even leave my room. As I lay there, staring out the window, I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I felt like I was losing myself, like I was disappearing into the darkness of my own mind. I thought about all the things I had lost, all the things I had given up. I had lost my freedom, lost my confidence. I had lost myself. As the tears began to fall, I felt like I was mourning the loss of my old self. I was mourning the loss of the person I used to be, the person I used to want to be.

I said flatly. He went quiet after that. Good. Because I didn’t trust myself to speak without saying something I wouldn’t take back. My fingers curled slightly on my lap. Something was wrong. No… not just wrong. I was losing something. Control. The realization hit me slowly, dangerously. I’m losing myself… My chest tightened. It felt like everything I had carefully built… everything I had fought for… was slowly slipping through my fingers. And I hated that feeling. I hated it. Because I had never been the kind of person who lost.

Completely unbothered. I wish I could be like that. “You’re scared,” Ethan says. I nod. “Yes.” “Of what?” “Of losing myself again,” I say quietly. “Of building something with you and waking up one day and realizing I’ve adjusted so much I don’t recognize myself anymore.” He doesn’t interrupt. He just listens. And that makes it worse. “I don’t want to disappear inside this,” I add. “You won’t.” “You don’t know that.” “No,” he admits. “I don’t.”

I bark and watch his jaws tighten. “Oh my God…” I press my hands to my forehead. What have I been doing? How did I let this happen? How could I have been so stupid to fall for a man who never even saw me for once? And I kept telling myself I felt nothing for him. “I’m tired, Quinn,” my voice trembles. “I’m tired of losing myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore.” I look up at him. His back is now slightly bent, his hands braced on the table.

I felt like I was mourning the loss of something special, something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As I stood there, crying and feeling helpless, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something. I was missing a piece of myself, a piece that I couldn't remember or retrieve. I felt like I was searching for something, but I didn't know what it was or where to find it.

"I was supposed to feel better, after revenge. My soul was supposed to heal. That's what my grandmother told me. But why, why don't I feel better?" "I'm sorry buddy, I want to help you, but I don't know how to do it. It's hard." "I didn't know any of this, I didn't think all this would happen. I lost... I don't know who I am anymore." I'm losing my mind, I'm going crazy, I'm breaking into a thousand pieces and all I can think about is her... Melek. On how bad she looked this morning and yet, my heart was pounding for her. I long for her more than anything in the world.

I admitted. His jaw tightened. “Of what?” I looked at him. Really looked. “At losing myself,” I said. “At losing this. Us.” His fingers curled around my thigh, gripping gently. “You’re not losing anything.” “But I feel like I am,” I whispered. “Like every day another piece gets pulled away. Like something is happening to me, and I can’t explain it or stop it.” His eyes flickered — pain, anger, helplessness — all tangled together.