Novel & Cerita I Feel Like I Lost Myself

I was someone else, someone small, someone weak, someone who moved only when others wanted. I leaned forward and rubbed my face again. My eyes were swollen from crying. My throat felt tight. My back stung each time I shifted. It was strange how a person could lose themselves so slowly without noticing. It was like I was fading in pieces. A little bit yesterday. A little more today. I thought of Rhys again. How we joked just minutes before everything went wrong. He didn’t know what my life turned into. I never told him. Every time he asked if I was okay, I lied. I said I was fine.

” I said. I didn’t even flinch when he banged the thick glass between us. I look at him with no sense of interest like he doesn’t deserve any of my emotion. It’s been a year, and I feel like this is one of the things that has happened to me. I lost a lot of things, and one of those is my old self. The fun in me, the innocence in me. I feel like the world robbed it all. ”You ungrateful bitch! You’re nothing like your stupid mother!”

I muttered out as I felt all my emotions just leave me, tears glistening my cheeks as I pitied myself once again. "I understand if you still think I'm selfish. I understand if you never want to speak to me again. I understand if you want to leave and cut all ties with me. I understand if you don't want me in your life anymore," I whispered brokenly, feeling myself become lost in a void of darkness. I was pathetic.

He had interfered too much in my life, and he needed to stop. "You're hurting me!" I yelled in frustration in front of his face. I've never been like this before. Maybe the accumulated pain that I've been holding back for so long caused an explosion that made me go berserk. Whereas before, I was a person who was good at controlling myself. Now, I was out of control. I was almost crazy. I felt like I had lost my way. I felt that... I had no one in this world anymore. I feel like I've lost my identity. This sadness and disappointment is killing me.

My foolishness makes me so furious but still so tired that I couldn’t blame anyone else but myself. Everyday I check my accounts obsessively it’s not like there’s even much money left but I still check what’s left of it and it still frozen, I checked the balance of the debts I still had to pay and numbers didn’t lie. The debt is still very real. And even when I try to move on, I couldn’t! As time went by, I couldn’t even bring myself to sing, Music had always been the one place where I didn’t feel owned. Where my voice was mine and now Losing that felt like losing a language.

And in doing so, I may have lost a bit of myself too. But there is no turning back now.

A part of me that simply felt like a failure. I lost track of time. The steam fogged the mirror, and I lost myself inside that haze. I stood under the water for what must have been over an hour, maybe longer. I spoke to myself....quiet, broken words, but I couldn’t even remember what I said. I couldn’t hear myself. I couldn’t feel myself. I was buried too deep inside my own mind. And inside my head… It was chaotic. It was a dark, loud, never-ending nightmare.

Bursting into the snow storm and transforming, I ignore the shouts from behind me and run into the blinding storm, trying to outrun the memories, the physical nausea of a woman’s touch. I don’t know how long I run for but I come to a stop near an iced over lake. Panting, my whole body trembling, I sink into the soft snow, feeling both useless and broken. My heart is breaking in the most vicious of ways. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I wasn’t this person. I’ve lost myself without Sarah. I’ve become a different person with this fear I have developed of being touched. Staggering to my feet, I make my way over to the iced lake and look at my reflection in the pristine ice.

Suddenly, my existence in this world felt so small. “But I believe it’s too late, Alaric,” I whispered. “I don’t have a purpose. I don’t have a plan. I don’t even know what I want. Everyone else out there already knows where they’re going, what they’re doing with their lives. And me? I’m just standing here, lost, like a child who can’t find their way.” Alaric stepped closer, and somehow, his presence beside me felt like an anchor, keeping me from drifting too far into my own anxiety.

“I need you to be more honest.” I push my eggs around. “Fine. What scared me the most was losing control. I hate losing control. I am not a control freak, but I hate it. One moment we were talking. The next moment you were planning future things. Big things. Heavy things. I felt myself slipping into a life I did not choose. A life that wasn’t mine.” He nods slowly. “I understand.” “I do not want to become stuck,” I whisper. “Or trapped. Or dependent. Or someone who exists only for someone else. I do not want to wake up one day and realize I do not know myself.”