Novel & Cerita If I Keep My Heart Out Of Sight

Soon, his thoughtful expression faded. He quickly lifted his head, still looking at me with that unfamiliar, cold gaze. "Anna, I think you're not as good as Emily, so let's get a divorce." I heard him repeat it again. I clutched my cup of hot coffee, lightly tracing the edges of the mug, but inside, my heart was frozen. The ones who were supposed to leave never did for just one reason. Once one was gone, there would always be another. "Fine, we'll divorce, but with one condition."

My heartbeat stutters. If he finds out I’m reaching outside, Cassian pays too. I force my feet to keep moving. I won’t let him see me flinch. Not yet.

Have to. I managed a soft nod, my silver waves shifting from my side vision. Moving like soft ripples as nodding is easier than letting anyone see what rests on the inside of my chest. The hard and tunneling sensation to lose something before it’s even gone. “I will make the announcement,” I say at last—quietly, not as surrender, but as building up that final wall needed to protect myself from myself.

And the moment I turned the corner and slipped out of their view, I exhaled shakily and pressed my fingers against my chest. My heart felt like it was breaking out of me. But I didn’t cry. I wouldn’t, not here. Not while he was still behind me, still hoping for something I’d already buried.

Do you want me to show myself or hide myself fly up high or bury myself? All Hearts!!

My heart beats fast and I can feel my blood moving faster on my body and I run to hide from him. I hide behind the pillar with my hand resting above my heart my eyes closed and the back of my head resting against the pillar. Please, God, don’t let him see me. Please. I open my eyes as I hear his voice walking behind the pillar and I move to the other side and then the other side and peek as I watch him walk.

“You cant hide from me, you know that right?” I don’t reply as I shut the door quietly. I walk quickly to his desk, pull out his chair and slide into the space behind it. Pulling the chair back in to block the view of me. I start taking long and slow breaths to slow my breathing. I press my hand across my heart and use one of the few forsaken skills I have learnt. Slowly my heart thumps lighter and lighter, until it stops. This should make hiding from him a little easier.

It is automatic. It has always been this way. All my life, I have lived with one rule. Never let anyone know what is going on inside you. It does not matter what you feel. It does not matter if everything inside you is falling apart. From the outside, you do not show it. You do not give anyone that kind of access. You do not let them see where it hurts. You hold it in. You carry it alone. I have learned how to do that well. Too well.

Once we're done using one another to get what we need, we'll dump ourselves the next second. I smooth my multicolored red hair, still facing the mirror. "I mean, they are plenty of hotter girls in the academy they could choose from." I tell my reflection in the mirror. "And that's the main reason I'm keeping my distance from these men. I want to protect the last piece of my heart. I have no tears left to cry." Why am I being paranoid? It isn't like anyone is going to notice when I walk back there. Damn, I was just dressing modestly a few minutes ago and now I'm going back there without my shirt on.

Across the terrace, I felt it before I saw it. His gaze. I didn’t look. If I looked, something might break. So I kept my eyes on the soup and took another quiet sip. And pretended my chest didn’t feel like it was already missing something.