Novel & Cerita It's Always My Fault

Just watching me in that pure calm that only he can achieve. “It’s my fault,” “It’s my fault,” I say again, stronger this time, my voice shaking with the weight of it. I can feel the words building inside me, as though saying them over and over will somehow make them less painful. “No, it’s not,” he says sharply, his voice steady, trying to ground me. “It's my fault!” I snap, the words tearing from my throat. “I did this. If I hadn’t—”

I just lost him. And it's my fault. My fucking fault.

Ego cried bitterly. "Did she ask you to, eh?!" her mother queried as she put her arms akimbo. Ame shook her head sadly. "You didn't have to, Ego. You're hurting everyone concerned," she told her friend. Ego turned fiery as she lashed out verbally at her friend. "Yes, Ame! Go on and castigate me along with everyone else ,seeing that I put my own happiness on the line because of you! And you know what, you're nothing but an ingrate! An ingrate, do you hear?!" she spat as she headed indoors but her mother's voice stopped her in her tracks.

I blame my fucking self; I was the one who told her to get out of the house and go do something other than sit here in the nursery driving herself crazy with the little things she felt needed to be done. I blame myself, it’s all my fucking fault she's once again gone. The amber liquid in the crystal glass I hold in my hand is doing nothing to silence the fucking voice in my head that's taunting me with its words. ‘It keeps saying it’s your fucking fault, it’s your fucking fault, it's your fucking fault.’

she murmurs. The words gut me. Because I know she’s right. And I know exactly whose fault it is. Mine. Always mine.

And it’s all my fault. I may as well be dead too.

Did he ever miss me? “Mia, it's not his fault,” Sylvia tried to explain. “Of course, it's not his fault!” I mocked, looking at her. “It's not your fault you hid the truth from me, it's not his fault he didn't even try looking for me all my life. Who's fault is it? It's mine! It's mine that I even exist!” I became a mess as continuous tears flowed out of my eyes. I wasn't able to stop them. “It's my fault that I'm so unlucky that no one ever wants me! It's my fault that I'm just a burden and everyone has ever just used me for their own benefit, until I come in handy! It's all my fault!” Christian was quick to take me in his hold as his arms embraced me in a hug.

This was all his fault. ***

And then, I couldn’t blame him. Then I thought about who to blame again. Tristin? My family? Someone else? No… From the beginning, it had always been my fault. I knew. And I could admit my fault. But that small voice inside my head…kept whispering to me. All I had done was try my best to make something of my life. I had tried so hard, and I had never thought about taking any shortcuts. Then…nothing bad should have happened to me. Even if it did, it shouldn’t have been my fault.

And all I can think is that it's my fault. All of it.