Romans & histoires Things I Wanted To Say But Never Did

Why cant I ever say want I want to? “Then I guess I’ll leave you alone.” Shepherd stands up from the table. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.” He walks towards the stairs. No, that’s not what I wanted to say to you. It came out wrong. That’s what I should have said, but instead I just watch him leave down the stairs. My vision blurs as tears fill my eyes. Damnit. That’s not how I imagined our talk going. Then I hear my doorbell ring. It’s Shepard! It has to be him. I race down the stairs and wipe my eyes. I swing the door open and it’s not Shepard, but two men I don’t recognize.

I said, trying to find an excuse that wasn't needed. "I'm not telling you so you'll feel sorry for me." He said, looking at me directly. "I'm telling you because I don't have anyone else to tell and that's a weird thing to realize about your own life." Damn. I thought about my dad saying I wasn't good enough and about all the things I'd never said to anyone because there was no one to say them to either. Even if I did, they wouldn't get it. For example, how do I explain to someone how eager I was to suck my best friend's boyfriend dick.

He folds his arms across his chest but it fails to intimidate me and he sits down with a huff. The silence between us is so intense, filled with unspoken words and promises. There are so many things I have wanted to say to him over the years and I’m sure he feels the same. But somehow, these words seem lost, unable to travel across the chasm between us. Where should I even start? Should I mention the eighteen-year-old son that we have whom Samuel didn’t even know about until a few days ago or should I talk about everything that happened between us almost two decades ago? Talking about everything else seems so wasteful and mundane right now.

I think it comes from the delicious meal that went into my tummy. Even though I got a chance to say that I was in love with him before but I didn't... sobs... sobs... I'm not gonna regret though. Some things are better left unsaid. He remained silent. I asked, "What are you thinking?" "About what you said." "Call her!", I insisted on him. "Right now?", he asked. "Yeah! You shouldn't delay for these things." I gave a thumbs while eating my juicy meat. He took his phone and gave a bright smile and went out to talk.

“Can you ever… forgive us?” I looked at her, really looked at her. Underneath the perfect makeup and carefully styled hair, she looked older than I remembered. Old and regretful in a way I’d never seen before. A lifetime of being second place caught in my throat. I remembered all the times I’d tried to tell her something important, and had been brushed aside because Savannah was crying over a dance recital. How I’d always felt so small. So unseen. “Some things,” I said slowly, “don’t go away. Even when you want them to.”

Both of us knew what was meant by it, and it was as if neither of us wanted to accept it. “I’ll call you every day and bore you with school stuff,” I promised, feeling my words turn to fire in my throat. "You'll get so sick of me calling that you'll block my number." Mrs. B’s lips were pressed together tightly, and her chin was trembling as her eyes swelled up with tears. This was it. The moment where we said our goodbyes. I wanted it to be epic, to tell her thanks for everything she ever did for me and to leave nothing left unsaid. But we never get to remember everything we wanted to say in those moments, do we? Because our emotions take over and our brains turn to scrambled shit and all th

There were so many things she wanted to do but couldn't. **************************************************************

I said, “maybe there’s nothing after all. Maybe it’s just here, now. Maybe there was never anything more, and maybe there never will be.” Immediately, I regretted my words. There I went again, shooting off my mouth, saying stupid things which I didn’t even mean. Why did I have to say that? It was the exact opposite of what I’d been thinking, was feeling. I had wanted to say: Yes. I feel it, too. I feel like I’ve been with you forever. And that I will be with you forever. But instead, it came out all wrong. It was because I was nervous. And now I couldn’t take it back.

I said. "I can't undo it. I can't take back what I said or how I made you feel. But I can tell you that it will never happen again. This is not because I've suddenly figured out how to be a good man, but because losing you once was enough to teach me that there are some things I'm not willing to live without."

fuck! I wish I could just scream this out but I can't , I'm not good at expressing myself and I never will "I don't want to go , but I don't have a choice , do I?",I said "So what's chasing you away from here?",he asked calmly as usual You !!! You're doing that thing again!!! You're distancing yourself away from me and it's killing me "Nothing ,I just need to do this once and for all and get this over with , I'm tired of it hunting me every day and night ,I just want to, I need to ",I said