Along the Current

I couldn't think straight when I heard the news.

He's gone.

Halos hindi kami makagalaw ng kapatid ko dahil sa ibinalita sa amin ng mga pinsan namin. Hindi ko inakala na dito hahantong ang lahat. I thought he would wake up from comatose, I thought he would fight it because we are waiting for him.

But I guess he didn't fight enough. Ni-hindi niya nga alam na dalawa na kaming naghihintay sa paggising niya.

Ngunit hindi na pala siya magigising pa kailanman.

"A-Athena.." My brother muttered, trying to calm me down but there's no use.

I felt dead inside. Gusto ko na lang sumunod kay Ares. Hindi.. kung hindi lang sana nangyari iyon, kung hindi lang sana kami nagkagulo, hindi sana siya matutulog ng ilang buwan. At hindi sana siya mamamatay.

It's my fault. I should've let them stay even just for a while. Now, I caused tragedy.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang pauwi kami sa Pilipinas. Dad didn't want me to go home but I wanted to. Nagpumilit ako. Gusto ko siyang makita kahit sa huling sandali lang..

"Dad, please. Allow me to see my child's father for the last time." Halos pagmamakaawa ko sa lolo ko habang magkausap kami sa phone noon.

Pumayag nga siya, ngunit sandali lang dapat ang itatagal ko. I needed to be away from stress because.. I'm pregnant.

And yet the father is dead now. My Ares is gone.

Nakalapag na ang eroplano sa Pinas ngunit nanatili akong tulala at hindi nagpapakita ng emosyon, but I know I am broken deep down inside me. my heart felt like it was shattered to pieces. I am just thankful that my brother is here to support me. Kung wala siya, hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin.

Baka siguro sumunod na rin ako. I mean I tried the day I received the news. But my brother was there. And I saw how devastated he was.

And I didn't want him to lose his best friend, his twin sister, and his niece or nephew all at once. So I stopped all my suicidal thoughts. Kahit na pakiramdam ko hindi ko na rin kaya.

Hindi ko kaya na wala siya. It feels different whenever I'm with him. And now that he's gone.. parang may puwang na sa puso ko. The day he died, it was like I lost the other half of me, too.

It's losing a loved one all over again.

Hindi ko maiwasang manginig at mamutla habang nakasakay sa sasakyan papunta sa ospital.

Mama held my hand tightly. I looked at her and faintly smiled at her. Tinignan ko rin ang kapatid kong nagmamaneho at maya-maya ang pagsulyap sa amin ni Mama sa backseat.

Pakiramdam ko'y matutumba ako habang nakatayo sa labas ng ospital. Pero hindi ako iniwanan ni Mama. She was with me as I was panicking inside and out. Iniwan niya lang ako nang marating ang sadya at maaninaw ang nakatatandang kapatid niya sa hallway.

"I'll give you two the time to talk." Mama said before she left.

Naglakad ako palapit sa kaniya na nakatalikod mula sa direksyon ko.

"A-Ate Ashlyn.." I weakly called her, my Ares' older sister.

It took her time before she finally faced me. The first thing I noticed was the sadness in her eyes.. and anger. She was angry at me. Hindi niya iyon maitago habang nakatingin ng diretso sa mga mata ko.

Pareho kaming namamaga ang mga mata dahil sa masamang balita. Hindi ko maiwasang masaktan na naging ganito dahil naging pabaya ako.

I was not considerate enough. And I let them.. I let them experience a tragic life. My kindness almost left my soul in the past months.. especially on that day, but now, I have realized my mistakes.

Hindi dapat ako nagpadala sa emosyon ko noon. Kahit na ganoon ang nangyari, dapat ay hindi ko hinayaang makaalis sila ng manoir. Hindi sana sila naaksidente..

"So you've finally decided to show up?" Ate Ashlyn raised her brow at me.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Napayuko ako nang maramdaman ang pangingilid ng mga luha, hindi maiwasang masaktan sa paraan ng pakikitungo niya sa akin ngayon na noon ay hindi naman ganito..

At hindi sana magiging ganito kung hindi lang ako naging bulag. I shouldn't have let toxicity get the worst out of me.

I should've kept my shit together on that day.

"You freaking have the guts, huh? After what happened? After what you've done? Really, Athena? I thought you were the last person who would leave him and push him away! Akala ko lang pala iyon?" Her voice broke.

"Ate, I'm sorry.." I said but I received something painful in return.

She slapped me. Hard.

Hard enough to make me realize all of the mistakes I've made. Enough to make me regret every single bad decision I have ever made in my entire life.

"Anong magagawa ng sorry mo, Athena? Ha? Wala na siya! Iniwan mo siya! Pwede pa sana siyang mabuhay! He could still fight! But you weren't there! And maybe he got so damn depressed of you never showing up that he decided to just lose the fight and end his fucking life! He literally can't live without you! Pero anong ginawa mo? You fucking left him! You fucking caused everything that's happened to my family! Napakawalang kwenta mo! I despise you and your entire family! Screw you!" Sigaw niya at pinagsasampal ako.

Tahimik lang akong umiiyak habang tinatanggap ang lahat ng mga masasakit na salitang binitawan niya at iilang mga sampal. I deserve it anyway. I deserve it.

"Nagsisisi ako! Nagsisisi ako na pinagkatiwalaan kita! Akala ko pa naman, sa pamilya De Bonnevie, ikaw ang pinakamatino! Akala ko makakapagtiwala na ulit ako sa pamilya niyo! Turns out, you're one of the worst in your family! Pareho lang kayo ng tatay mo!" She screamed at my face, bahagya niya pa akong itinulak. Mabuti at mabilis akong napahawak sa pader at hindi tuluyang natumba.

I can't risk losing another life, please.

"Ashlyn!" Rinig kong sigaw mula sa malayo.

It was my brother.

Agad na dumalo sa akin ang kapatid ko at inalalayan ako bago binalingan si Ate Ashlyn na nanlilisik ang mga mata sa galit.

"Don't you ever blame her!" Mariing sambit ni Apollo kay Ate.

"Putangina, Apollo! Kung hindi lang naging tanga iyang kapatid mo, e'di sana hindi ko siya sinisisi ngayon! Hindi sana mawawala ang kapatid ko at kaibigan mo! Sinira niyo ang pamilya ko! Magsama-sana kayong lahat!" Ate Lyn looked at me with so much hate and anger before she stormed out of the room.

Doon na ako tuluyang napahagulgol. I broke down in front of my brother and he was just there, staying by my side. Inalo niya ako habang mahigpit akong nakayakap sa kaniya. He never left me while I was broken.

Hindi ko matanggap. Ares is gone. I caused all the misery to their family. Dapat ako na lang ang nawala.

Tama si Ate Ashlyn, napakawalang-kwenta kong tao. I was the kindest in our family but because of what happened on that day, I almost forgot I had kindess in me. Hinayaan kong lamunin ako ng galit.

At ngayon naging ganito ang lahat. His family paid for the consequences of my stupid actions.

Kasalanan ko ang lahat.