KABANATA 3

Luck.

A common word that all people get to understand, but not everyone receives. Maybe it comes in an amount that is measured not in ways you carry it, but on how you notice them.

I guess, it was just a lucky day for me. Other people might see it on a surface level, but I don't. It was already a luck for me because that's how I want to see it.

"Sir!" I raised my hand to get his attention. Tumaas ang kilay nito nang bumaling sa direksyon ko.

"Are we required to follow a specific format?" Nakangiting pagtatanong ko rito. "Para po sa hard copy na isusubmit namin."

Lumingon din sakaniya ang groupmates ko habang naka-form ng circle.

Hindi mawala-wala sa isip ko ang nangyari. He gave me his food. Rice meal 'yon na ang ulam ay kare-kare. It was the first time I felt comfortable eating someone else's food. Hindi niya naman 'yon binili para talaga sa'kin, nagbago lang ang isip niya pero ayaw niyang masayang kaya ipinamigay niya na lang.

But I still think I was lucky. Sa'kin niya piniling ibigay 'yon kahit marami naman siyang p'wedeng pagbigyan ng pagkain na 'yon. I never thought that receiving a rice meal could feel this great.

I was planning to thank him before class hours. Hindi ko lang nagawa dahil pagkapasok niya pa lang sa klase, nagbigay na kaagad siya ng group task sa'min.

"There's no need to submit the hard copy of your paper. Just focus on your presentation for the next meeting." He responded. Naupo na siya sa unahan at hinarap ulit ang laptop.

"Is this program okay with you?" Nakangiting pagbaling ko sa mga kagrupo.

The smile won't leave my face. Kahit siguro bagsakan ako nang napakaraming activities ngayon, nakangiti ko pa rin na tatanggapin lahat 'yon.

"RDLead Program? Okay sa'kin." Tugon ni Claudia. "Gagawa na ba ako ng group chat natin?"

"Yes, please!" I responded before glancing at the other four members. "Let's have three presenters, and three researchers. What do you think, everyone?"

"Sige, Pres. Buti na lang talaga anim tayo, equal ang distribution ng parts." Sambit ng isa.

Sandali lang naming pinag-usapan ang hatian ng parts hanggang sa tumunog ang phone ko na nasa ibabaw ng armchair. Claudia already created our group chat. Sinend ko na rito ang parts namin kasama ng file na gagamitin para sa research.

My eyes shifted in front. Nakatungo si Sir Idrisvan sa laptop niya, pero nasa gawi ko ang mga mata. His brow lifted at me. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. I'm well aware of his identity, but maybe I'm just in denial phase.

Maybe because he never came out in the open. May parte pa rin sa'king iniisip na hindi siya kagaya ng mga sinasabi nila tungkol sakaniya.

But even if everything's true, maybe I would still like him. I don't know.

"Do you have questions or clarifications?" Pagbaling ko sakanila.

The meeting ended since none of them had a question. Sir Idrisvan instructed us to leave the class once done meeting with our groupmates. Iyon ang ginawa ng mga kaklase kong mabilis nakatapos. May natitira pa naman kaming oras para gamitin itong room na 'to kaya hindi muna ako umalis.

I opened my apple pad to check the program flow for the Aurea Night. It's a once-a-year event, so I want this to be successful.

"Pres, hindi ka pa aalis?"

Rancho went to me. Marami siyang hawak na papers para sa presentation niya sa susunod na klase.

"I'll go before the next class." Simpleng tugon ko rito nang nakangiti.

"Save na lang kita ng upuan, Pres." Sambit pa nito ulit.

"No, it's okay." Ngumiti ulit ako sakaniya. "I won't be late naman sa next class."

Sa huli ay umalis na rin siya nang tawagin siya ng mga kaibigan. Napabaling ako kay Sir Idrisvan. Nakakunot ang noo nito habang nakatitig sa laptop niya. He seems irritated again. Sa unang pagkakataon na naging professor ko siya, bahagya pa akong kinakabahan tuwing nakikita ko siya dahil palagi siyang mukhang naiinis. Pero no'ng tumagal, nasanay din naman ako na gano'n palagi ang expression niya.

Akala mo naman talaga ay pasan niya ang buong mundo. Kung nabibili lang ang happy pills, baka niregaluhan ko na siya no'n.

Wala na ang iba kong mga kaklase. Kaming dalawa na lang ang naiwanan dito. I took that as an opportunity to talk to him. Bago niya pa maisara ang laptop, lumapit na ako rito. Kumunot ang noo ko no'ng padabog niyang isinara iyon.

I scoffed. Apple book 'yon pero binagsak niya lang. Kahit nga mansanas, hindi ko magawang ibagsak.

"Sir."

Pagtawag ko rito pero lumayo ako mula sa lamesa niya. Mukha tuloy ako ritong magrerecitation.

Imbis na sagutin ako nito, tumayo siya at saka lumapit sa puwesto ko. Seryoso ang mga mata nito habang nakatingin sa'kin. I almost froze on my spot. Mas kinakabahan ako rito kaysa sa recitations. Magpapasalamat lang naman sana ako sakaniya, pero parang matitiris ako nang wala sa oras.

He stopped in front of me. Tumaas ang kilay nito at pinagmasdan ako mula ulo hanggang paa. Napangisi ako sa ginawa niya. Confident ako sa kabuuan ko ngayong araw. I had a proper sleep and I'm wearing the outfit I want. It's a pink sweetheart dress paired with white cropped tweed blazer that has gold buttons.

"Thank you for the food, Sir. Bakit hindi niyo po kinain?" I smiled.

His lips parted. Dahan-dahang bumaba ang mga mata niya sa labi ko at matagal na napatitig doon. Naputol lang 'yon nang pa-irap siyang nag-iwas ng tingin. May it be the faculty or students, they also find him attractive. Maraming nanghihinayang dahil g'wapo raw sana 'to kung hindi lang dahil sa identity niya.

But I don't see anything wrong with that. I think, he's perfect even in his chosen gender for himself. I find people like him amusing. Sometimes, I envy them. They have the freedom to decide for themselves despite the remarks of other people about them. They're just beautiful. It's beautiful to have the freedom to not live up in anyone's expectations.

"Was it good?" He asked.

Sumandal siya sa lamesang nasa likuran niya. His arms folded, while his eyes remained on me.

"Hindi po ba kayo kumain?"

"No. Did you like it?" His brow lifted again.

"Masarap." I chuckled. "Babayaran ko po. Do you accept cash or online lang po?"

His lips stretched, still watching me with his deep hooded eyes. I hope he accepts online payments. Baka kulangin ako sa cash ngayon kung hindi. May babayaran pa ako mamaya sa organization.

"Yeah?" He licked his lower lip. "I don't accept payments."

I found it amusing and attractive at the same time to see him this upclose. Pakiramdam ko kaya ko siyang abutin.

"You'll always have them for free if you keep rejecting foods from underworld creatures."

Ako naman ngayon ang natigilan. Hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi niya. Free was the only word I understood. He wasn't like a human-being for a second. Magsasalita pa sana ulit ako nang tumunog ang phone ko.

"Excuse me, Sir." Nakangiting usal ko. Savie was calling. "Uuna na po ako. I'll pay you back, Sir. Ba-bye!"

Kumaway pa ako rito nang makuha ko ang mga gamit ko bago ako tumakbo palabas ng room. He tilted his head, but the smile on his lips did not escape my eyes.

I picked up the call, and the high-pitched tone almost ruined my eardrums. Boses niya kaagad ang sumalubong sa'kin pagkalabas ko mula sa room.

"Omg! Wala na tayong classes, Tanya. Early dismissal daw tayo for preparation sa Aurea Night." She shrieked.

"Okay?" I responded, confused. I checked my phone to see the announcement, and she was right.

Walang class. That means I have more time to finish my pending activities, right?

"Anong okay? Dahil wala nang klase, pupunta tayo sa boutique para pumili ng mga isusuot!" She giggled. "I'm so excited. Nakakasawa naman kung nasa bahay ako palagi."

"What changed?" Nakangiwing pagtatanong ko rito. "This is not you, Savie! Ayaw mong makasama nang mas matagal si Ivander?"

"Wala kasi siya, may flight ulit." She sighed. "I miss him, that's why you need to come with me. I'm going insane without seeing him."

"So, I'm your rebound for today?" I scoffed.

"Pero at least, hindi ka third wheel ngayon?" She teased.

Sasagutin ko na sana ito pero napatigil ako dahil sa notification na dumating sa phone ko. It was a message from my mother. Pinapauwi ako nito nang maaga dahil sabay-sabay daw kaming magdidinner. Sinabi ko iyon kay Savie kaya hindi na siya nakipagtalo sa'kin dahil kilala niya rin naman ang mga magulang ko.

Guilt consumed me when I had to turn her down for the second time. Nangako ako sakaniya no'ng nakaraan na sasamahan ko siya sa susunod, pero hindi ko rin iyon natupad ngayon.

"Mom, dad." Simpleng pagbati ko nang maabutan ko silang dalawa sa living area. "Where's Tasha? Is she in her room?"

Sinalubong ako ni mommy nang mabilis na yakap at gano'n din si daddy. Maliit na ngiti lang ang nagawa kong ibigay sakanilang dalawa habang hinihintay kong sagutin nila ang tanong ko.

"Sweetheart, I bought you new dresses and bags. Why don't you check them in your room? I already asked the maids to place them there." Masayang usal ni mommy, binabalewala ang tanong ko.

"Thank you, mom. Is Tasha upstairs?" I asked again. "Did you get her new things too?"

"Tanya, darling," Pagpigil sa'kin ni mommy. "She's upstairs. Come on, let's have dinner first. Mamaya mo na lang pala i-check ang mga bago mong gamit na idadagdag sa collections mo."

Iginiya ako nito sa dining table kaya hindi na ako nakatanggi. My eyes were pinned on the staircase. Gusto kong puntahan si Tasha. The need to check on her was growing wild in me. This has been the usual set-up every time they come home.

Mas gusto ko pa rin talaga na mag-isa ako rito sa bahay o 'di kaya naman ay kaming dalawa lang ni Tasha ang nandito. I love my parents, that's for sure. But at some point, their presence suffocates me and that's the worst feeling of being alive. Being dead inside.

"How's school, Tanya?" Dad asked while sipping on his wine.

"Going well." Matipid kong tugon. "Kumain na po ba si Tasha?"

"No one cares about her, Tanya. Now, tell us more about school." Mom asked again.

Living in this house with them feels like imprisonment. I am sheltered, clothed, fed, but it's draining every bit of me to the bones.

"We'll be having an Aurea Night in two days. Our organization's in-charge of the entire event so I got a busier schedule now, but it's manageable for me." I coldly responded.

"Darling, why don't you switch programs?" Mom asked. "Besides, delayed ka na rin naman. You're already turning twenty-four, but you're still in third year. Graduate ka na nga sana kung nakinig ka lang sa'min ng dad mo."

Nakangiti itong nagtanong sa'kin at alam ko na kaagad kung saan nanaman patungo ang usapang namin.

Dinners with them never felt like a proper bonding, rather it feels like a business meeting that serves the table with the same proposal over and over again.

"Bakit hindi mo gayahin ang kuya mo? Sobrang sayang talaga siya. If not because of Tasha, you're kuya would still be here with us. Kung gano'n, mayroon sanang pag-asa ang kompanya natin." Mom stated as if it was already on her automated system, telling the same script each time.

This matter has been testing my limitations. Company. That's all that matters to them. Kung hindi ang business ni dad ang pag-uusapan, iyon namang kay mom.

When will the catch-up session with them ever feel like a normal reconnecting hour? Is that even possible? Will it ever happen?

"I'm planning to get a condominium." Iyon na lang ang sinabi ko sakanila.

If I were to spread my wings, I have to get out of my comfort zone and take risks. Since change will never be possible under this roof, then I should be the one to start the change that I'm long seeking for.

"What?" Dad asked.

Naibaba nito ang mga hawak na kubyertos habang madilim ang mga matang nakatingin sa'kin.

"You are being well taken care of inside this place, and you already have your own house to stay in. Mas pipiliin mo pa na tumira sa maliit na--,"

A small place would be better for me than to suffocate every day, watching myself lose my sense of life in the slowest but most painful way.

"I just want to explore and try a different setup, dad. Besides, I'm already in third year college. That means my external practicals are nearing. Won't it be difficult for me to survive internship if mabibigla na lang ako sa pagbabago ng routines and environment ko?" Mahinhin kong pagtatanong dito.

It wasn't totally a lie because deep down, it was one of the reasons I have. Given that my program is communication arts, that means I'll have to deal with different people and continuous change of environment every week. Hindi naman ako mahihirapan sa gano'ng set-up dahil madali para sa'kin na mag-adjust at kumilala, pero hindi ko 'yon magagawa kung nandito ako.

This place has been slowly cutting off my wings and if I won't spread them now, I'm afraid that one day I won't have even the smallest feather to bring me to my destination.

Hindi natapos sa maayos na usapan ang dinner na 'yon. Mom was disappointed with me for my sudden decision, while dad was furious because he felt like I was going against them. Imbis na ituon sakanila ang atensyon ko ay pumunta na lang ako sa kwarto ni Tasha.

"Tasha." I softly called while knocking on her door. "Ate's here. Can I come in?"

I'm carrying a food tray with a glass of milk and a small portion of rice meal for her. Ilang beses pa akong kumatok hanggang sa binuksan niya na ang pintuan.

"Stop disturbing my sleep, will you?" Galit nitong sambit sa'kin.

"I'm sorry, love. I just brought you dinner. Hindi ka kasi kumain kanina, baka pagod ka pa sa biyahe niyo." Marahan kong pakikipagusap dito pero hindi niya ako pinansin.

"P'wede ba, Tanya? Stop acting like a good sister. Your presence is too suffocating." Mariin nitong sambit hanggang sa bumagsak ang pintuan sa harapan ko.

Suffocating. My presence suffocates her. She's five years younger than me, but she's already feeling the same way I do for our parents. Ang kaibahan lang naming dalawa, ako ang dahilan ng nararamdaman niyang 'yon.

Pinunasan ko kaagad ang luha na hindi ko 'man lang namalayang bumabagsak na pala mula sa mga mata ko. I placed the tray on the cabinet near her doorstep before heading to my room.

Tinawagan ko kaagad si Savie para yayain siyang lumabas. Ilang beses ko na siyang tinanggihan, pero sa tingin ko ay mabuti na rin na siya ang isama ko ngayon para makabawi ako sakaniya.

Since she's been itching to go out for a week now, it wasn't difficult for me to make her agree. Binilisan ko na ang pag-aayos sa sarili at pumili ng isusuot. I took on a silky burgundy backless mini halter dress with a low-chest cut and paired it with a black stiletto.

I grabbed small hair pins to lift my hair up. Masasayang ang backless style ng dress ko kung matatakpan din naman iyon ng buhok ko dahil sa haba nito. Nang matapos akong magprepare ay saka lang ako nagmaneho patungo sa bar.

All eyes were pinned on me as I walked at the center of spinning lights. Nakakabinging ingay din ang sumalubong sa'kin, pero mas nagugustuhan ko iyon dahil tumatahimik ang isip ko.

"Tanya!" Matinis na boses ang umagaw sa atensyon ko.

Inabutan ko si Savie na nakangiting naglalakad papunta sa'kin. I met her halfway. She's wearing a black strapless mini dress with ruffle details on the bottom. Ang ganda niya lalo ngayon dahil sa pagkakaayos niya sa itsura niya.

"Hey!" Pagbati ko rito. "Bayad na ako, ha? Wala na akong utang sa'yo."

I was only kidding, but she rolled her eyes before pouting. May isa pa pala akong utang sakaniya, iyong pagpunta sa mall. Pumunta kaming dalawa sa mga stool kaya umorder siya ng usual naming dalawa.

While she prefers cocktails, I prefer the whiskey. She kept on ranting about Ivander while we were drinking. Nakikinig lang ako sakaniya at paminsan-minsang nakikipagtawanan dito dahil sa mga sinasabi niya.

I was taking a shot when my eyes landed on the other side of the counter. Sumalubong sa'kin ang isang tao na hindi ko inaasahang makita rito. He was tightly seated on a stool with his eyes fixated on us. His legs were crossed as the man beside him kept talking.

Idrisvan Buenaventura.

Napaawang ang mga labi ko habang pinagmamasdan siya. He's wearing a crimson-red silk longsleeved dress shirt and a white flared pants. Nakabukas ang dalawang butones ng damit niya habang ang isang kamay niya ay nakahawak sa shot glass. Compared to his usual appearance at school, he seems different outside work. Magulo ang buhok nito ngayon habang kumikinang ang mga alahas na suot niya lalo na ang kwintas niyang mahaba sa ilalim ng damit niya.

An unusual spark electrified my chest. Hindi ko gusto ang pakiramdam na 'to. It was bothersome, but I couldn't get myself to brush it off.

Bumalik ang mga mata ko sa mukha niya. His eyes were already pinned directly on me. Nakataas na ang kilay nito. Gusto kong ngumiti rito, pero masiyadong mabigat ang pakiramdam ko. Mas lalo pa 'yong bumigat nang lumapit sakaniya 'yong lalaki, halatang may ibinubulong.

"Hey." It was a man in his dark polo shirt. "I'm Dane. Mag-isa ka lang ba?"

Natanggal lang sakaniya ang mga mata ko nang may lumapit sa'kin. He seemed younger than me.

"Hey. Nice name, Dane. I'm with a friend." Simpleng tugon ko pero nginitian ko siya. "Umalis lang siya sandali."

Nang marinig niya iyon ay umupo siya sa katabing stool ko kung saan doon din nakaupo kanina si Savie. Sinubukan ko siyang hanapin, pero hindi ko naman siya makita kaya nagtext na lang ako sakaniya. I continued talking with Dane and he seems quite friendly.

"You're a second year?" I asked, amused. "Anong kinuha mo?"

"Mechanical Engineering." He chuckled. "Not my choice, though. I'm taking it at Aurea. Ikaw ba?"

I never went to their building, and their department wasn't active in university events this year. Kaya siguro hindi niya ako nakilala. Napangiti na lang ako nang mapagtanto 'yon. At least, I got to talk to someone who doesn't know me. He wouldn't have anything to expect from me.

I was in the middle of laughing with him when my eyes darted to the right corner again. Madilim ang mga mata nitong sumalubong sa'kin. Sir Idrisvan was glaring at the man beside me, clenching the shot glass on his hand. Pero lumambot din 'yon nang mapunta sa'kin ang tingin niya.

The bitterness flickered on my throat. I have always expected to see him this way, but maybe I was never really ready for it. Hindi lang siya mahirap abutin, imposible pala talaga.

Nakakaramdam na ako ng pagkahilo. I wasn't attentive with the amount of alcohol I was consuming. Nagpaalam na ako kay Dane para magpahangin sandali. I'm not yet drunk, but I could feel my system reaching its limitation so I had to stop.

After using the cubicle, I faced the mirror to see my own reflection while washing my hands. Unti-unting bumabalik sa'kin lahat nang nangyayari, pati ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandito ngayon.

All my life, I've been a puppet to them. Kahit isang beses, hindi ko 'man lang naramdaman na anak talaga ang turing nila sa'kin. To them, everything I have is recorded as my debt.

Fuck debt of gratitude.

We lost my brother three years ago, yet they never grieved for him. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, isang malaking kawalan lang siya para sa kompanya at hindi bilang kapamilya. Tasha and our brother were the only ones I have. They were my only family, but when we lost our brother, I also lost Tasha.

Mariin akong pumikit habang nakahawak ang magkabilang kamay ko sa sink. If not because of my deal with my mother that I will fly to Spain after college, I won't have the chance to take the program I really want.

Pero pa'no si Tasha? What will be the price of her freedom?

I'm certain that I cannot let her deal with it on her own. Kahit sabihin niya na hindi niya kailangan ng tulong ko, o ako mismo, hindi ko pa rin kakayanin na pabayaan siya mag-isa.

"Claveria, huh?" I hissed under my breath.

Galit akong nagdilat ng mga mata ko pero mabilis din iyong nawala nang makita ko ang nakatayo sa likuran ko. Nakahalukipkip si Sir Idrisvan habang nakasandal sa pader. Diretso lang ang mga mata nitong nakatitig sa'kin mula sa salamin.

"Are you lost?" I smirked, frustrated at the sight of him.

"You did not come to my office." He reminded me.

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. I sent another officer from our class to bring the papers to his office. Hindi ko na 'yon nagawa dahil nagmamadali akong umuwi kanina.

"Naipasa pa rin naman po ang activities." I responded in my coldest tone, hiding the bitterness lingering within me.

Nakagat ko na lang ang ibabang labi ko nang umawang ang mga labi niya sa narinig. Kinuha ko ang lip gloss ko mula sa pouch at ginamit iyon. I'm falling uncomfortable because of his stares. Nagtama ulit ang mga mata namin sa salamin at doon ko lang siya mas maayos na napagmasdan.

He's wearing a light amount of make-up, but his strong features were betraying his self-chosen identity. Sobrang kinis ng balat niya at halos pareho lang kaming dalawa ng skin tone. Bahagya akong napangisi dahil sa kabila ng mga koloreteng suot niya, hindi pa rin nawawala ang kagwapuhan niya.

I wonder how he looks like without those make-ups. Besides being a professor, he handles the institution because it belongs to him. Then a thought snapped in me.

Idrisvan Buenaventura.

"Are you related to Ivander?" I asked.

Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng gulat sa mga mata niya. Mabilis lang din 'yong nawala, pero nakuha ko na kaagad ang sagot dahil do'n.

Kumuha ako ng perfume sa pouch at ini-spray 'yon sa leeg ko. I tilted my head a bit, showing more of my neckline without taking off my eyes from his. Ang kaninang mataray nitong tingin sa'kin ay napalitan nang pagdilim ng mga mata niya kasabay nang pag-ayos niya sakaniyang pagkakatayo.

"Ivander Buenaventura?" He asked, jaw clenching. Tumango ako rito.

"I just know he handles airline." I shrugged. "If you're related to him, that means your family has wider business fields than my expectations."

"Why are you interested about him?" Mariin nitong tanong.

My lips stretched, forming a small smirk. I wasn't interested about Ivander, but him. Kung magkakilala sila, ibig sabihin makakapagtanong ako kay Ivan tungkol sakaniya.

"Do you usually go here?" I asked, changing the topic. "Where's your date ----,"

Maybe I can drop the formalities since we're outside the institution and this is bar. Such an indecent place and built for socializing. I couldn't finish my words when I realized that I'm in no place to ask about his personal life.

Nagulat ako nang maglakad ito palapit sa'kin, pero mas nabigla ako nang hatakin nito ang siko ko paharap sakaniya. Sobrang lapit niya sa'kin kaya napasandal na lang ako sa sink. He seems to notice that when he placed both of his hands on the sink to corner me. Our position made him lean closer to me, making my chest pound crazily in the wild.

"Sir." Namamaos kong sambit.

Bumaba ang mga mata nito sa mga labi ko at nakita ko kung paano umawang ang kaniya.

"What date, Claveria?" He leaned closer to me. "I was in a meeting."

Frustration rushed wild within me, finding him unbelievable for making me look stupid.

"Ganito pala ang meeting ng mayayaman?" I smirked. "I'll take note of that. Baka p'wede ko rin gawin sa business partners ko soon."

Darkness enveloped his eyes. Mariin itong pumikit, bahagyang tumungo kaya mas lumapit sa balat ko ang hininga niya. My chest pounded heavily, turning insane in my deepest piece.

"I dare you, Claveria." Mariin nitong usal. He opened his eyes and met mine. Hindi ko maintindihan ang nilalaman no'n.

"I can smell your lip gloss," He whispered. "Or is it your lips?"

His question made me gasp for air. Kung hindi pa siya lalayo ay baka makagawa ako ng malaking kasalanan. Bukod sa professor ko ito, alam ko rin kung gaano kataas ang pader sa pagitan naming dalawa. Masiyadong mataas, sobrang hirap niyang abutin.

But how can I resist such temptation when it's giving me wide access?

"Are you here as my professor?" Halos hindi ko na makilala ang sariling boses.

"I'm tempted to switch sides, Tanya." He huskily whispered which confused me.

Umakyat ang mga mata nito pabalik sa'kin kaya napalunok ako. There was unfamiliar sparks in his eyes, but the dark pine in them did not escape mine.

I could smell him from this distance. Naaamoy ko nanaman ang pabango niya na hindi gano'n katapang, pero nanlalaban sa ilong ko.

"I'm wondering if it's your gloss or your lips I could smell." Muli nitong sambit. "I want to taste it, Tanya. Push me away if you don't want it. I might lose it anytime now."

It was almost like a plea. His voice fired up the sanity I was keeping, and his eyes were burning me. My name rolled off his tongue, and it was the first time I found beauty in hearing it from someone.

There, I lost all the control I had for myself. Kung sakaniya na mismo nanggaling ang permission na hinihintay ko, bakit ko pa pipigilan ang sarili ko sa bagay na matagal ko nang gustong gawin?

Imbis na sagutin ito, ipinulupot ko ang mga braso ko sa batok niya at hinatak siya palapit sa'kin. I crashed my lips against him, stoning him on his ground for a moment.

This feels so familiar. Hindi ko maalala dahil wala naman akong ibang nahalikan bukod sakaniya. This is the first time I shared a kiss with someone, and I'm doing it with him.

He was cursing in between our kisses until he pulled away. Madilim pa rin ang mga mata nitong nakatitig sa'kin habang pareho kaming naghahabol ng hininga. I licked my lower lip when my eyes fell on his. Bahagya itong lumayo sa'kin at nakita ko ang paghilamos ng mga palad niya sa sariling mukha.

Did he regret it? Was it the alcohol acting up for him? Alam ko kung ano siya, at mas lalong alam kong hindi p'wede ang ginawa naming dalawa dahil professor ko pa rin siya. Our university may be owned by his family, but the law still forbids this kind of relationship between a professor and student.

Alam ko naman 'yon. Alam ko lahat ng 'yon, pero hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdamang kirot sa dibdib ko ngayon. A painful line electrifies my entire system. It was a mistake.

Nakatulala siya ngayon sa tapat ng salamin, hawak ang sariling mga labi at halatang pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili. Mapait akong napangiti at umayos ng tindig, handa nang humingi sakaniya ng paumanhin.

"Sir---," I wasn't able to finish my words when he grabbed my wrist. Dire-diretso itong lumabas mula sa restroom.

"Save it, Tanya." Namamaos nitong usal. "Mamaya na..."

Kahit gulong-gulo at nagtataka, hindi ko magawang magtanong. Sobrang ingay ng bawat dinadaanan namin, mas lalong nakakabingi. Bahagya ako nitong hinatak papunta sa likuran niya, hinaharangan ako sa mga nakakasalubong namin. The bar was overcrowded, but we managed to leave until we reached the parking lot.

Binuksan niya ang pintuan ng kotse niya at pinapasok ako sa loob no'n. Mabilis niyang pinaandar 'yon habang diretso ang mga mata sa kalsada. I had so many questions in mind, but I'm more worried about him.

If he plans to suspend me from taking my subjects under his watch, I will not do anything about it. Kahit p'wede akong makipagtalo sakaniya dahil pareho naman namin iyong ginawa, mas gugustuhin ko pa rin na ako na lang ang umako sa responsibilidad na iyon.

Everyone can lose their control. He may not be straight, but he's still a human-being. I'd rather take the responsibility for what we did, than to argue with him about it.

Tumigil ang sasakyan niya at doon lang ako napatingin sakaniya. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa manibela habang mariin na nakapikit.

"I won't apologize for the kiss, Sir." Sambit ko rito nang makakuha ako nang sapat na lakas.

Doon lang din siya nagmulat ng mga mata at sumulyap sa'kin. His eyes were too deep that I felt myself drowning in their depth.

"But I can assure you that this won't happen again." Halos masabag ang boses ko. "Let's forget about what happened tonight."

Mas lalong dumilim ang mga mata niya at ilang beses na nagmura bago sumulyap sa labas ng bintana niya. Silence filled the entire space. Mas nakakabingi ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa kumpara sa ingay ng club kanina.

"Would you hate me if I don't let you?" His voice cracked.

I could see his veins popping as he clenched the steering wheel. Napansin nito ang pagtataka sa mga mata ko. I knew what he meant, but I can't get myself to understand him.

"I can't let you forget about it, Tanya." He clarified. Mariin na 'yon ngayon. "Would you hate me for that?"

It was a selfish idea. Even without him reminding me of this night, I know that it would never leave me. The memories of tonight would haunt me, and that's the scary part of it. Makakalimutan niya lahat, pero mananatili sa'kin 'yon. Kahit hindi niya ipaalala, kahit hindi niya sabihin. Maalala ko lahat basta siya.

It would be a beautiful reminder of pain.

"I won't," I smirked, trying to mask off the bitterness. "So, you shouldn't forget it too."

In this society, not everyone would accept them. The people like him. It was never because there's something wrong with them, but with the perceptions and beliefs of those people against them. Alam ko 'yon dahil gano'n din ako. Ibang paraan lang.

I was never accepted for who am I, and for everything I wanted for myself. Living up to fulfill their expectations and pleasing them with the version of me that they build me for were the only ways I am accepted.

But I never wanted him to feel the same. I am too selfish for desiring him to remember me in a beautiful memory. One that would remind him that he doesn't need to please and satisfy anyone because I'm here, I'll do it for him.

"Let's put our walls down tonight," My voice croaked.

His head snapped at me. There were unfamiliar emotions dancing in his eyes, mostly unrecognizable for me.

"I want you to remember this night."

A curse echoed inside. Mas dumilim ang mga mata nitong nakatingin sa'kin na ngayon ay nakabaling na sa labas. It did not take him long enough to understand it before he left. Umikot ito sa gilid ko at marahan akong hinila hanggang sa makarating kami sa elevator.

Behind those makeups, I want to see the beautiful pieces of him. His natural pieces. Ones that weren't masked by anything to cover him up. I know that after this night, I would have to pay for another debt.

But it was also the first time I am willing to welcome the debt collectors that would come for my payment. I would even pay it in full.

A sense of excitement embraced me when we entered his unit. He slammed the door which caught my attention. Bago pa 'man ako makapagreact sa ginawa niya, mabilis nang lumapat ang mga labi niya sa'kin. He pinned me on the door.

Sinasakop ng mga kamay niya ang magkabilang braso ko kaya hindi ako makagalaw. Nabitawan niya lang ako nang suklian ko na ang mga halik na iginagawad niya sa'kin.

I knew that this was never supposed to happen, but I'll pay for whatever it costs just to let this one night happen.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him deeper so I could taste more of him. Nagpalipat-lipat ang mga labi niya sa ibaba at itaas na bahagi ng sa'kin. He was sucking on them alternately until I gasped for air that gave him access to push his tongue inside my lips.

A warm sensation filled my entire system when his hand travelled to my lower hips. Binuhat ako nito kasabay nang paglalakad niya. Naramdaman ko ang pagbagsak ng likuran ko sa malambot na kama.

"You are the temptation I could not resist." He tiredly whispered when he pulled away from the kiss. "I never knew I was craving a strawberry this much."

Magsasalita pa lang sana ako nang dumampi na ang mga labi niya sa leeg ko. He was sucking the soft spots of my neck, licking every bit of my skin while his hand freely roamed around my body. My legs voluntarily wrapped around his waist as if they had their own mind. This is also the feeling I never thought I'd never want to resist.

Gumapang ang kamay ko papunta sa batok niya habang impit na mga pag-ungol ang lumalabas mula sa mga labi ko. Gumagala na ngayon ang mga kamay niya sa bawat parte ng katawan ko kasabay nang maiinit na pagdampi ng mga halik niya mula sa leeg ko na nagtungo sa panga ko hanggang sa bumaba iyon sa parte ng dibdib ko. My back arched when his warm hand touched the bareness of my chest.

Dahil sa low-cut ng suot ko ay mabilis nitong nahawi pababa ang telang humaharang doon. Kusa akong napasabunot sa napakalambot niyang buhok nang lumapat ang mainit nitong hininga sa dibdib ko.

"Fuck, Tanya. Wala kang bra?" He cursed when my mounds welcomed him.

"Padded naman ang dress ko." Nanghihina kong tugon. I was already aching so badly to feel him.

Mukhang mas lalo siyang nanggigil dahil sa sinabi ko. He hungrily sucked my mound as his hand was busy massaging the other one.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong buksan ang natitirang mga butones niyang nakasara. Binalot ng braso niya ang buong bewang ko nang hindi tumitigil sa pagsipsip sa magkabilang kabundukan ko. Natanggal niya na ang pagkakatali ng suot ko kaya malaya niyang nahila pababa ang kabuuan ng telang bumabalot sa katawan ko.

He pulled away from the kiss and scanned my body. Namumungay ang mga mata nitong pumapasada sa'kin na para bang namamangha siya sa nakikita.

"I can never get enough of this masterpiece, Tanya." Nanghihina nitong usal.

Lumayo siya nang bahagya para maalis din ang lahat ng saplot niya sa katawan.

My jaw dropped the moment he totally took off everything. Without his makeup and usual expression, no one would even notice his identity. He was perfectly built from his facial features to his physique. He's perfect.

Bago pa 'man bumalik sa'kin ang mga mata niya, mabilis akong tumayo at h******n ang mga labi niyang mas lalo nang namumula ngayon. I never thought that kissing someone would taste addictingly sweet.

"Wild angel in disguise, huh?" He huskily uttered before pushing his tongue inside me.

He was sucking my tongue and licking every corner of my mouth as if it would be a waste for him to miss any part. A soft moan escaped my lips when he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his hips. I could feel his hard shaft on my clothed entrance so I moved my hips to feel more of him.

Napahiwalay siya sa'kin dahil sa ginawa ko, pero mas lalong nag-iinit ang buong sistema ko dahil sa liwanag na tumatama sa mukha niya galing sa buwan.

"Oh, Tanya. Are you this impatient?" He chuckled, but his eyes were getting darker.

"Take me, Sir." I moaned louder, feeling my wetness leaking on the small piece of cloth that covers my femininity.

Ibinaba ako nito sa ibabaw ng vanity mirror at madilim na tumitig sa kabuuan ko. His jaw was clenching as he left out soft curses, praising every inch of me. Marahang gumalaw ang mga kamay nito patungo sa lace underwear na suot ko at dahan-dahang hinila 'yon pababa.

Bumalik ang mainit na palad niya sa hita ko, hinahaplos ang balat kong napapaso sa bawat paghawak niya. Mariin akong napapikit nang maramdaman ang daliri niya sa gitnang bahagi ng pagkababae ko. Mabilis kong naitukod ang magkabilang kamay ko sa ibabaw ng vanity mirror, itinutulak palikod ang ulo dahil sa kakaibang sarap at pananabik na dumadaloy sa buong sistema ko.

"Oh, Sir!" I moaned, biting my lower lip as I begged him for more.

"Tell me, Tanya." He seductively whispered. "What do you want?"

Tumigil ang daliri nito sa paghaplos sa pagkababae ko na mas lalong nagpasabik sa'kin. Namumungay na ang mga mata kong sumalubong sa tingin niya bago dumapo ang kamay ko sakaniya. Nakangisi kong iginiya iyon, ipinapakita sakaniya ang sagot ko sa tanong niya.

"This." Usal ko rito at lalong napakagat sa ibabang labi nang makuha ang kanina ko pang hinihintay.

Ilang beses nanaman itong nagpakawala nang malalim na buntong-hininga at pagmumura bago kusang iginalaw ang mga daliri niya. Lumuhod ito sa harapan ko at sinunggaban ang pagkababae ko na ngayon ay mas lalong nagbibigay sakaniya ng daan.

Lumipad ang kamay ko sa buhok niya, napapasabunot ako sakaniya tuwing nararamdaman ko ang dila niya na sinusubukang pasukin ang lagusan ko. He sucked my sensitive bud, pushing a finger on my entrance. Napasandal na ako sa salamin na nasa likuran ko dahil sa sobrang panlalambot na dulot ng bawat ginagawa niya.

"Such a wild tigress, Tanya." He hungrily uttered in between my legs.

Halos manginig ako dahil sa pagdampi ng hininga niya sa pagkababae ko.

"Get down." Mariin nitong utos sa'kin nang tumayo siya.

Kahit nagtataka ay sinunod ko siya kaagad pero mabilis ako nitong pinatalikod. His burning hand pushed my back, making me bend on his vanity. Naitukod ko ang magkabilang kamay ko sa ibabaw no'n para kumuha ng suporta dahil hinang-hina na ang buong katawan ko.

"Are you sure you want this, Tanya?" He asked me in his seductive, yet worried voice.

Mariin akong pumikit nang padaanin niya ang kahabaan niya sa lagusan ko. He was teasing me with his long, hard shaft. Mas lalo niyang binuka ang magkabilang hita ko gamit ang isang kamay niya, habang ang isa ay ginagamit niya para gabayan ang kahabaan niya.

He rubbed the head of his shaft on my entrance, spreading my wetness on each sides of my femininity. He's driving me crazy.

"Answer me, Tanya. Are you sure about this?" He asked again.

"Put it inside me, Idris. Please..." I pleaded as I moved my hips to meet him halfway.

"Fuck, Tanya." He groaned. "If we do this, you cannot do it with anyone else. Everything will be mine, Tanya. Are you ready for that?"

To other people, this has been an act served for pleasure and satisfaction. A feed to raw desires. But it was different for me. I give it to surrender myself. To be owned, and to own. To have something I could call my own. A possession that can never be taken away from me.