Crimson Nostra #1: Trapped In My Professor

Price of freedom.

To be free from chains, regrets, and unanswered questions. Freedom equates to a bird that can freely spread its wings in an open sky, wide awake without missing the beauty of journey while reaching for its own destination.

Too sweet to imagine, too bitter to dream of.

It's such a bittersweet reality of freedom. You will only get a taste of it when you lost something. One that unlocks the cages. A reminder that when freedom unleashes, there will always be someone powerful behind it who controls liberty like a game.

If it was in the market, I believe that I have already paid its price in full. In exchange for reclaiming my wings, I had to lose my soul. On a cruel note, it was debt that comes along with freedom. You will never know when or how it will collect your payment, but it will.

"Pupunta ako, mom." I sighed. "Bukas pa naman po 'yan, right?"

"Yes, Tanya. Ikaw na lang ang inaasahan namin ng dad mo. I'm actually proud that you managed the company well. Napakalayo nang narating mo, hija." She uttered on the line. "Kung una pa lang, kinuha mo na ang business, mas malayo na sana ngayon ang narating mo."

"Mom, are we talking about this again?" I'm growing tired of it big time.

"Sinasabi ko lang naman, Tanya." She grunted. "Tignan mo nga 'yang kapatid mo, ewan ko na lang din kung hanggang saan makakarating 'yan. Wala na nga siyang maitulong sa kompanya, masiyado pang nagiging pabigat!"

"Mom!" I hissed. "Walang mali sa ginagawa ni Tasha. Let her explore. Masiyado pa siyang bata para sa mga bagay na gusto niyo. I'm already doing everything that you want. Hayaan niyo na si Tasha sa gusto niya."

Iritable kong binagsak sa vanity ang phone ko habang naghahanap ng accessories na babagay sa suot ko. I placed the call on full volume.

"What?" There was already frustration in her tone. "Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko, Tanya? Panoorin lang ang kapatid mo na magpakasaya habang tayong lahat dito, nagpapakahirap para sa kompanya?"

"Hindi siya nagpapakasaya, mom!" Mariin kong sambit. "Nag-aaral siya ng program na gusto niya, hindi siya nagpapakasaya lang."

"Gano'n pa rin 'yon, Tanya! Ikaw nga, nakuha mo lang ang gusto mong program dahil may pangako ka. Pero 'yang kapatid mo, wala! She's living a luxurious life for free! Dapat nga mas maging responsable siya sa pamilyang 'to dahil kasalanan niya naman kung bakit nawala ang kapatid niyo."

I could sense her reaching her limitations. Pero ako rin. Napupuno na rin ako.

"Let's stop talking about this," Mariin kong sambit. "I'll attend the meeting tomorrow. Sana lang hindi nanaman 'yan arranged marriage. I've already given you everything you wanted. Now, stop controlling my life already."

"Are you insane, Tanya?" She growled. "Ano? Gagayahin mo 'yang kapatid mong pabigat lang sa pamilya? You're being ----,"

"And please, leave Tasha alone. She's too young for all these stupid manipulations."

That was my final blow. Pabagsak kong tinapos ang tawag bago muling humarap sa salamin.

I scanned my body through the mirror. Kitang-kita ko ang mga itim na marka sa magkabilang braso ko. I still admire each tattoo flashing on my skin. The only reminder I have that something in this world, about me, still belongs to me. Something that only I could control.

Natapos ko na lahat ng trainings ko sa management ng company. It took me five years to come back, but I can't get myself to be happy about it. Hindi ako masaya do'n, hindi rin dito. Hindi ko na alam. It was totally exhausting to manage our company because I never wanted to lead in the fashion industry. It was just a condition I had to deal with. A price I had to pay.

Savannah's wedding was held today. I felt the pressure, panic, and anxiety rushing through my veins the entire time. Akala ko hindi ko na maaabutan 'yong kasal niya, pero nakarating pa rin ako bago pa 'man tuluyang matapos 'yon. I knew that she would never tell me she's upset about it, but she'll be if I didn't make it.

The night was still young, but the music and lights were screaming wild. Lumapit ako sa counter para kumuha ng drinks. Inabot ko kaagad iyon mula sa waiter at mabilis na ininom, pero muntikan ko nang maibuga. It was too bitter, and spicy at the same time. Nagusot ang mukha ko dahil sa kakaibang tama no'n. It lingered in my throat, and I felt my chest burning up.

But it tasted like freedom. Unusual. Humingi pa ulit ako nang ilang beses sa waiter hanggang sa nasanay na ako sa lasa no'n.

"Tanya!"

Naagaw nang matinis na boses ang atensyon ko na kaagad kong nilingon. Savannah was walking towards me, wearing her bright smile. Pagkalapit nito sa'kin ay bumaba ang mga mata niya sa hard drinks na kaharap ko.

After the wedding ceremony, I went straight to her party when she saw me at the hallway. Hindi ko na siya sinalubong do'n dahil abala sila sa pictorial nila. I only got the chance to see her this close in the party.

"Oh, umiinom ka?" She asked, face crumpling at the sight of my glass. "Don't you have a meeting tomorrow?"

"Okay lang naman siguro 'to?" I chuckled, then scanned her body. "Isa pa, kaunti lang naman 'to. I'm not as weak as I was before."

Sandali siyang napaisip sa sinabi ko, pero kaagad din siyang napatango habang tumatawa. She grabbed the shot glass from my hand and placed it on her lips. Mabilis niyang nilagok iyon, pero kaagad din na napangiwi. We had the same reaction so I couldn't help but to laugh.

"Ano ba 'to?" She frowned. "Kanina mo pa 'tong iniinom?"

Tinanguan ko na lang siya. Pabagsak niyang ibinaba sa lamesa ang shot glass. Regret flashed in her eyes.

It was a hard liquor that we never tried before. Masiyadong malayo ang lasa no'n kumpara sa mga lady's drink na nakasanayan namin. I watched her frown and curse at the bottle while she scanned its alcohol content.

"I'm sorry. Hindi na kita nalapitan kanina sa wedding hall. You were having your pictorial." I chuckled. "And seemed busy with your in-laws. Ayokong makaabala."

"You mean the Buenaventuras?" She laughed, then leaned closer to whisper. "May kapatid si Ivander. Gusto mo, ireto kita?"

Buenaventura.

A question was playing on my lips. I wanted to ask about him, but none of them knew that I once dated the exact same person she's trying to link with me right now.

"Save it, Savie. Wala na nga akong oras para matulog at kumain, oh." I scoffed. "Sa relationship pa kaya?"

"Para namang highschool student." She laughed. "Walang time para mag-aral."

"Oh, believe me. This is worse than that." I rolled my eyes, laughing with her.

Magsasalita pa sana ulit ito pero dumating na ang asawa niya. Ivander Buenaventura, the successor of Casa Azul de Solana Airline.

And his brother.

"Who picked the liquors?" She complained to her husband. "Ang tapang no'ng ininom namin ni Tanya. Parang gasul lang, eh."

If freedom comes with a price, I'm glad that it comes in its best quality to other people. In this lifetime, no one gets to choose that. It comes, then go. All depending on the will of the winds.

Savannah finally stopped complaining. Dumampi ang labi ni Ivander sa noo ng asawa niya kaya natahimik na ito.

"Congratulations to both of you." Nakangiting usal ko. Frustration brushed off from Savannah's face.

"Thank you, my Tanya!" Usal niya at nilapitan ako.

Mahigpit na yakap ang iginawad nito sa'kin na kaagad kong sinuklian.

"I'm so glad that you made it today. Akala ko talaga, hindi ka makakauwi ngayon. Though, I'm still worried about your meeting tomorrow."

Mom knew that I was going back today. So she welcomed me with a call this morning, informing me that we will meet important business partners tomorrow. I already told Savannah about it, and she was more worried than me that it might be another arranged marriage.

"I have my ways, Savie. Besides, I cannot miss this very special day." I chuckled, reciprocating the warmth of her embrace.

I may not be able to say it in words, but I'm really happy for her. She's always more free whenever she's with Ivander, and I am grateful that she ended up with him. It may still be too early for us to be tied with someone for a lifetime, but it doesn't matter as long as she's sharing it with the person who could keep her heart and mind at peace.

Someone who can free her soul without hurting her in return.

"Thank you, Tanya." Nakangiting tugon din sa'kin ni Ivander nang dumapo sakaniya ang mga mata ko. "Bumalik ka sa bahay kapag may oras ka. Savie already knows how to cook."

Bumitaw na sa'kin si Savie kaya niyakap ko rin ang asawa nito. Mabilis lang 'yon, pero bumilog ang mga mata ko.

"She learned? Bago 'yan, ha. Sinong nagturo?" I gasped. "Wala bang nasunog?"

Savannah frowned at my comment, while Ivander bit his lip. Pinipigilan niyang tumawa sa tabi mismo ng asawa.

"Marunong naman kasi talaga akong magluto. Bashers lang talaga kayong dalawa." She snorted.

"Magkasabay ba kayo sa flights?" I asked, changing the topic.

"Oo," Ivander responded. "Ako ang nag-ayos ng schedules namin."

"Pero sigurado ka na ba talagang umattend bukas sa meeting?" Savie asked, bringing back the topic.

"I'll handle it. 'Wag ka nang mag-alala, baka isama kita. Sige ka, wala kang honeymoon." I winked at her.

"Baka ikaw ang isama namin sa honeymoon, Tanya. Umayos ka diyan." She scoffed. "Wala talaga akong tiwala sa business meeting niyo na 'yan."

"Hindi ka basta-basta makakatakas ngayon kung arranged marriage nanaman 'yan." Ivander warned me.

"Kasama mo kasi ngayon parents mo. Dati naman parang blind dates lang kaya madali sa'yong tumakas." Savie added, nodding at her husband's remarks.

It took me time to convince them both that I could handle whatever might be coming tomorrow at the meeting. Pareho silang nag-aalala para sa'kin. My parents would do everything for business, even through marriages.

I wanted to talk to Savannah and Ivander about it, but I don't want to ruin their mood. It's their special day, and bringing up my issues would be the last thing I want.

I was just watching their daily quarrel, laughing at their unreasonable arguments, and their little game of love denials. Their story felt like a series that I had to watch every day for new episodes. Not because I wanted to. I just had no choice. But it was their story that reminds me how nothing could be impossible when life brings countless twists and turns. Those childish games they played led them both to this.

"Basta, ha? Always keep in mind na I'll be here for the both of you. I can't wait to witness more of your love journey together." Paalala ko sakanila.

"Talaga? Ikaw nga 'tong nagrereklamo palagi sa sweet moments namin dati." Savie complained, laughing at every word she uttered.

"Except for that." I scoffed. "Kung maglalandian kayo, 'wag na sa harapan ko. Siguro kapag hindi na ako single, p'wede na."

"Should we start searching for your partner?" Nakangising pagtatanong ni Ivander sa'kin.

Bumilog kaagad ang mga mata ko rito, umiiling nang sunod-sunod.

"Hindi na ba uso sa'yo ang joke?" I frowned.

Our conversation only ended when Ivander's cousin called them. Naiwanan akong mag-isa sa lamesa pero hindi naman ako nabobored, madalas may mga lumalapit para makipag-usap sa'kin. They left to welcome the newcomers in the after-party.

"Hi! Would you mind if I sit here?"

Napalingon ako sa nagsalita. It was a man. Tumingala ako rito at pinagmasdan ang kabuuan niya. Moreno ito na matangkad, nakatulak din sa likod ang buhok nito na halatang ginamitan ng hair gel para hindi magulo.

"Sorry. May nakaupo na ba rito?" He asked again, laughing.

"No, no. You may sit." Mabilis kong tugon dahil nakakahiyang tumanggi.

Hindi ko naman 'to party para itulak palayo ang mga lumalapit sa'kin. I'm also just a guest.

"How are you related to them?" He asked.

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko rito. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba tinatamaan na ako sa mga naiinom ko, o kung naiirita lang ako dahil kakaiba ang pakiramdam ko sakaniya. Maybe it was the liquor filling and consuming the thoughts in my mind.

"To who?" I asked.

"Newlyweds." He responded, shifting his eyes to the entrance.

Sandali akong lumingon sa tinitignan niya. They were still talking to the newcomers.

Bago pa ako muling lumingon sa kausap, nahagip ng mga mata ko ang isang lalaking agaw-atensyon. He's wearing a black trousers above his wine-red satin long-sleeved dress shirt, emphasizing the broadness of his toned masculine physique. His dark, slick back hair flashed the sharpness of his complexion. Kahit malayo ako sakaniya, para pa rin akong nasisilaw sa liwanag ng repleksyon na nanggagaling sa mga accessories na suot niya tuwing tinatamaan iyon ng ilaw.

Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagtitig sakaniya nang igala niya ang mga mata niya. Halos bumagsak ang panga ko nang dumapo iyon sa'kin. Imbis na umiwas ako rito ng tingin, mas lalo pa akong napatitig sakaniya. Ngayon ay kitang-kita ko na ang itsura niya. He has strong features that emphasize his fair complexion. And above all, he seems so familiar.

Bakit ba ako nakatitig sakaniya? Is this even the first time I saw a man?

Bago pa 'man ako makapag-isip ulit ay umigting na ang panga nito. Sandali lang iyon, pero nahagip pa rin ng mga mata ko ang pagtalim ng tingin niya sa gawi ko.

"Idrisvan..." I gasped.

Mabilis kong natakpan ang sariling mga labi. Hindi ko mapigilang kamuhian ang sarili nang mapagtanto ang sinabi.

How could I think of him and mistake him for someone else?

Calling his name is a sin. If there's anything impossible, that would be for that man to be him. They're just too far different from each other. From physique, gestures, and style. Pero pareho sila ng expressions. It was the same way he looked at me, but I know that it is beyond impossible.

The man turned his back from my direction. He was shaking hands with the people coming up to him, and conversing with one then another.

"Hey."

Mabilis akong napaayos sa pagkakaupo. I snapped back at him. Nakalimutan ko nang may kasama nga pala ako.

"Sorry. They're my childhood friends." Tugon ko rito. "The bride has been my bestfriend since kindergarten. 'Yong groom naman, friend ko rin since elementary."

Uminom ulit ako sa shot glass na kaharap ko. May laman pa pala 'to? Akala ko kanina ay naubos ko na ang iniinom ko.

"Do you know that man?" I asked, darting back my eyes near the poolside.

"Arcxel?" He responded, following my gaze. "Founder 'yan ng isa sa pinakamalalaking paramilitary organization. I don't know much about him, but I've heard that everyone would kneel before him as an act of honor."

I listened to the information he has on that man, only to figure out that they're not really the same person. Tumatama na rin ang iniinom ko dahil patuloy ako sa pagsasalin habang nakikinig.

Nang tuluyan ko nang maramdaman ang pagkahilo ay saka lang ako nagpaalam sa kausap ko. I left without waiting for his response. I went to the hallway to search for the restroom, but I couldn't find it. Napahawak na lang ako sa pader nang maramdaman ko na parang ginagapang ng apoy ang buong katawan ko kasabay nang matinding pagkahilo ko.

Kaunti na lang ay matutumba na ako. Wala akong mahihingian dito ng tulong dahil bukod sa walang tao na gumagala rito sa hallway, masiyado rin namang madilim at tanging strip lights lang ang nagbibigay ng liwanag sa buong daan.

Oh, gosh! Wala akong makapa na kahit anong p'wede kong mahawakan. Daig ko pa ang pumasok sa upside-down museum.

All the strength I was trying to build collapsed in a snap when everything began to spin around me. Tuluyan ko nang sinukuan ang pakikipaglaban sa hilong nararamdaman.

I would definitely give myself the best praises after this night. Who would've ever thought that alcohol tastes like freedom?

They could be bitter at first sip, linger amidst the haze, and unlock doors towards escape. But when the spinning stops, they both collect prices.

And that serves as a daily reminder to me that nothing in this world could be free.

One last blink, and my body finally surrendered. Inaasahan ko na ang pagbagsak ko sa malamig na sahig, ngunit malambot na bagay lang ang tumama sa likuran ko. Halos mapaso ako sa init nito, pero mas nanghihina ang buong sistema ko dahil sa kuryenteng dumaloy katawan ko.

"What the hell?" He grunted. Hindi ko magawang tignan kung sino iyon.

I was too dizzy to open my eyes so I kept them shut. His scent lorded my mind. It was too familiar. A soft moan escaped my mouth when I felt my world spinning for another time.

Lumutang ako mula sa sahig. The man carried me, and I don't know where he would bring me. Sinubukan kong lumaban dahil hindi ko siya kilala. But I was too weak for it. Kusang bumagsak ang katawan ko sakaniya. Malulutong na pagmumura ang naririnig ko sa mahina nitong boses.

"Stop moving." He warned.

Mas lalo akong gumalaw dahil gusto kong bumaba, pero muntikan lang akong mahulog.

"Fuck! Stop it, or I'll drop you."

Fear crawled within me. Hindi na ako nangahas na gumalaw ulit. I don't know this man, but I'm too helpless right now so I have no choice but to trust him.

Pagmulat ko ng mga mata ay sumalubong sa'kin ang isang kotse na pamilyar sa'kin. Binitawan kaagad ako no'ng lalaki, muntikan pa akong matumba. I glared at him when I found a support to balance myself. Nakahawak ang isang kamay ko sa hood ng kotse.

It was him. Siya 'yong nasa party kanina. Arcxel, sabi no'ng nakausap ko. I wasn't done examining him yet when he turned his back from me. Nakikipagusap na siya sa phone habang nakatalikod sa gawi ko.

"I'm leaving the party, Ivan. Kotse mo ang dadalhin ko." He uttered. Mariin ang boses nito habang ang isang kamay ay nasa bewang niya. "May nakita akong strawberry sa hallway, itatapon ko sa kalsada."

Now that I watch him this close, I could finally see his frame clearly. He was built brawny with strong, well-developed muscles that flinch underneath the cloth. His face was chiseled, almost identical to a greek god statue. Then my eyes roamed further, only to notice his virile aura.

Paramilitary. I should be scared of him, given the title he's known of by all people. They are dangerous, and unpredictable. Iba-iba ang pinaglalaban nila, magkakaiba ng prinsipyo. But everyone part of it has the same common denominator.

For their purpose, they can rob lives.

Pero imbis na matakot dito, kabaliktaran ang nararamdaman ko. I'm thrilled. Something inside me flickers. It was a sense of familiarity. Parang kilala ko siya kahit alam kong hindi dapat.

Maybe I'm not afraid because I know, if I have that job too, I would not hurt just anyone. People in organizations like his have always been seen like they're wild animals that must be eliminated. Kung hindi, iiwasan dapat. Anything but being close to them.

But it wasn't the mere organization that do that for a job. There are also soldiers, armed forces, war technologies. Name them all. They differ in names and titles, but in reality, they're just the same. There are black and white sides in their worlds, but it's up to their people to decide which side would they choose.

"I already said it, Ivan. It's a strawberry." He fired. His eyes darted onto me, then down to my arms.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa narinig. I could feel my blood boiling up. Kung kanina ay katawan ko lang ang nakakaramdam no'n, ngayon pati ulo ko na. I knew he was pertaining to me because of my strawberry blonde hair.

"Hey!" Pinilit kong makatayo nang maayos kahit kusa akong tinatraydor ng katawan ko. "What did you just say? Anong strawberry? Nahihibang ka na ba?"

Basag-basag kong pagtatanong dito. Mabilis nitong ibinaba ang hawak na phone at nilingon ako. Nakataas ang kilay nito habang nakatingin sa'kin. Halatang naiirita dahil napahilamos pa siya ng palad sa mukha niya.

I saw his lips parted, ready to fire at me but he was interrupted by another call. Naiinis nitong kinuha 'yon. He was hesitating at first, still glaring at me. But the call kept ringing so he had to pick it up. Bago siya tuluyang tumalikod ulit, hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang pagsulyap niya ulit sa balat ko.

"You have three minutes to talk." He sternly uttered, full of authority.

It was a bad call. His expression changed, turning the electrifying aura he had earlier to formidable and dominant this time.

"No one makes a move without me. Four o'clock, headquarters." It was again, authoritative and dark. "I already said no, Yuchengco! Where's the senior specialist?"

Napaayos ako sa pagkakatayo ko, halos matumba sa biglaang pagkakagalaw. Pero imbis na isipin 'yon, mas nangibabaw ang kaba sa dibdib ko. He had such a powerful presence that could dominate anyone, even me.

Guilt rushed through my veins. I shouldn't be here, listening to his calls. Sandali akong sumulyap sa orasan ko bago nagsimulang maglakad papalayo. Tahimik ang ginawa kong paghakbang para hindi ko siya maabala. He was fuming mad, almost bursting his bubbles while on the phone. It's already midnight, but I'm certain I could still grab a ride at this hour. Hindi ko kakayaning magdrive mag-isa ngayon. Mas lalong hindi ko naman pipiliin na tawagan ang driver namin.

"Anong ginagawa mo?" His voice thundered.

Muntikan na akong matumba dahil sa gulat, pero hindi ako lumingon. I continued walking. I'm not drunk. I'm not wasted. Pinipilit kong paniwalain ang sarili na kaya kong umuwi mag-isa sa ganitong kalagayan. Damn it. I have never been this wasted over a few shots.

There was something in the drinks I took. Ayokong magbintang, pero imposible rin namang tamaan kaagad ako sa ilang baso lang.

"Anong ginagawa mo?" He repeated.

I frowned upon hearing him. Kung ako ang kausap niya sa phone, ibababa ko na lang ang tawag. I don't have patience for people like him. Kung hindi ko maiibaba iyon, mas pipiliin kong makipagsagutan sakaniya.

"I'm talking to you, woman." He firmly uttered. Mas mahinahon na 'yon ngayon.

I felt his hand on my wrist. Mabilis kong iwinaksi 'yon dahil sa gulat. Para akong mapapaso sa pagdampi ng balat niya sa'kin. I felt like I was burning, and ready to turn into ashes.

Masamang tingin ang sumalubong sa'kin nang magawa kong ayusin ang postura ko. He was already done talking on his phone. Nasa'kin ang mga mata niya na ngayon ay nababalot ng lamig. They seem showered in ice, too dangerous and enigmatic. Yet, I wasn't afraid.

"What now? Bakit ka nanghihila?" I yelled at him, pushing his hand away.

I watched his eyes. Sobrang dilim ng mga 'yon, pero nanatili akong nakikipaglaban sa mga tingin niya. Naputol lang iyon nang bumaba nanaman ang mga mata niya sa magkabilang braso ko.

"Are they real?" He asked.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa tanong niya. It took me a second to understand what he meant by that.

"Your tattoos. You have inks on your skin. Are those permanent?"

My eyes also dropped on my arms. The last time I inked myself was when I got the Lisianthus. They were visible in my silk, strapless dress tonight. Itinatago ko lang ang mga 'to kapag nasa meeting ako, o kapag nasa kompanya.

"I'm not a fan of hennas, if that's what you're thinking." I smirked, proudly showing him my inks.

"Lisianthus." He noticed. "A symbol of devotion. When did you get those?"

"Two years ago?" I shrugged. "Ang ganda, 'no?"

"They are." His voice croaked.

Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin. Even without a validation from him, I would still believe in the beauty of these inks. They are my reminder of freedom. But to hear the praise from him, there was another glitch in me.

The same feeling flickered within me. Again. The same sense of familiarity that lingers within me, but it was like a puzzle to me that was too difficult to arrange in picture. I'm too confused, and I hate that he has a way to get this deep in my mind when he's not doing anything.

It was me. I am the problem because I see that person in him when I'm not supposed to.

"You're not him." I whispered, but it was a plea. I was hoping for it.

Sana hindi siya 'yon. I was never ready to face him. I could only accept him for who he is, and accept letting him go. But I can never be ready to see him again. Ayoko.

Those eyes that were almost freezing in coldness, slowly melted before mine. They softened and weakened, like they were almost surrendering to something.

But I hate it. Ayokong makita siya sa lalaking kaharap ko ngayon.

"Uuwi ka na?" He asked, almost a whisper.

I did not respond. I'm not yet sure of anything, and this man helped me when I couldn't stand on my own. Yet, I treated him in ways he doesn't deserve just because of someone he's not.

"Uuwi ka na ba?" He asked again, but he did not move. Hindi na rin siya nagtangka na hawakan ulit ako.

"I am."

"I'll drive you home."

He was too gentle. Far from the man he was earlier. Kanina lang ay galit siya sa bawat tumatawag sakaniya, naiinis sa bawat galaw ko. But now, he's too gentle. As if he was talking to something that might break in one wrong move from him.

"Hindi na. I can still book for a ride. Marami pa namang tatanggap no'n." I responded. This time, I talked in the nicest way I could.

There was a moment of silence between us. At this point, I can already leave if I want to. Pero hindi ako makagalaw. There was hesitation in his eyes, and I saw them. Maybe it was just the alcohol cracking nonsense in me.

"Alright." He nodded.

His eyes turned cold again, just like how they were seconds ago. Halos kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa kakaibang pakiramdam na hindi pa rin naaalis hanggang ngayon. I'm starting to grow frustrated at myself, annoyed at everything irrelevant in my mind.

But the fire in my veins rushed wilder. There was a flickering lights within me, and for some reason, I want to check it on my own. I need answers, and maybe it's the only way I could hold back my sanity.

Goodness, Tanya.

Bago pa 'man siya tuluyang makahakbang, mabilis ko siyang nahawakan sa balikat. Sobrang lapit na ngayon ng mukha namin sa isa't isa, mas lalo ko lang napagmasdan ang itsura niya. His brows furrowed, confused at my sudden pull.

The unusual rhythm played in my chest again. There was something too familiar about him, but I'm certain that I have never seen him before. Seeing him this upclose, I had a clearer view of his face. His nose was tall and pointy. Bumabagay sa features ng mukha niya. Everything about him seems perfectly molded.

Kung mayroong paborito ang lumikha sa lahat, hindi na nakakapagtaka kung siya ang nasa pinakaunahan ng listahan.

I was trying to control myself from looking at his lips. It felt too private, as if it was something that I should never see. But I was betrayed. Before I knew it, my eyes had already dropped on them. They seem smooth and soft. Naaakit ako ng kapulahan no'n, bukod pa sa naaamoy ko rin ang mint na nanggagaling sa bawat paghinga niya.

I could feel my system burning up hotter. Pero mas tumindi pa lalo iyon nang maramdaman ko ang labi niya sa'kin. I was pulling away from him, reclaiming all the sanity I lost. Ngunit bago pa ako tuluyang makahakbang patalikod dito, kusa nang nawalan ng balanse ang katawan ko.

It happened too fast. Naramdaman ko na lang na tuluyan nang nakadampi sa mga labi niya ang sa'kin. I rested my lips on his and I could feel that he was stoned on his ground for a second. Pareho kaming dalawa. But just as when I was thinking of pulling myself together, fire flashed back within my system. The heat showered me, pushing me to get a deeper taste of him.

Imbis na lumayo, mas idiniin ko pa sakaniya ang mga labi ko hanggang sa dahan-dahan kong naramdam ang paggalaw niya. I was amused when I felt him responding to my kisses. Mas lalong uminit ang pakiramdam ko nang malasahan ko ang mga labi niya. He tastes like mint mixed with strawberry, and it's too addicting that I couldn't get enough of it.

Palalim na nang palalim ang bawat paggalaw ng mga labi naming dalawa hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang pagbigat ng mga mata ko. Nanghihina na rin ang mga tuhod ko kaya marahan akong lumayo sakaniya. Sumalubong sa mga mata ko ang nakakunot nitong noo. Kahit sobrang nanlalabo na ang paningin ko, hindi nakatakas sa mga mata ko ang pag-angat ng labi niya.

It felt surreal, reminding me of someone I could never forget. If it wasn't for the alcohol rushing through my veins, I would believe that I'm going insane. I felt my heart thumping crazily, pulling back all the memories I have from that person. I felt his lips on mine, and that belongingness that only him could lord my mind.

There were burning desires in his eyes. Malinaw sa'kin ang mga iyon nang idilat ko ang mga mata ko. I was too weak to open them, only to meet his when I did. Pero hindi 'yon pagnanasa. It was not a lustful pine that sparked in them, rather something beyond unfathomable. But it was also one thing that only my soul could recognize.

"Idrisvan..."

My eyes finally shut, completely. I'm certain of it. I wasn't before, but feeling his lips on mine was the only answer I needed. There's nothing in this world that could feel like him when my soul has long tied in every piece of his. Desires once led my path to his arms, so I know when I found my way back to it.

This may not be real, but the thought of him revisiting me even in dreams would be kept as a memory. A reminder that I once loved and I was loved. Beautifully.

"Damn it. Tanya!"