Chapter 1 - Ex

The moment someone dies, the last person whose life was touched by them dies as well. We will clearly hear them, console us, remind us with our memories with them, and live inside our head.

They would hope for us to remember all of that behind, and prior to, the cries and pain of mourning for them was also joy, insights, fascination, and sheer of fun, because they’ve lived with us and that they know how important and loved they are.

We can’t tell exactly when we are going to lose our happiness, because just like anxiety, it will just trigger your being. That was me right after the happenings that took me out of the world. Right after he left me…for good.

I lost my husband.

That’s when I realized that it’s finer if I was being cheated, than to prepare a memorial service to your beloved partner. I swear, I look like a wrecking ball. We were happy, we’re about to build a family with two kids, a boy and a girl, that’s our plan.

In the first few weeks and months, I got my first real taste of being alone – and over the first cycle of the year. I’ve geared myself up and survive the first birthday, anniversary, vacation, and holidays that I like the most since he left me.

It was already 2 years when my husband died right in front of my eyes. Kaya kahit pilit ko mang huwag nang isipin ang nangyari ay hindi mawala-wala sa isip ko, parang nakakadena na ang imaheng ‘yon.

How can he left me this early? Masyado niya akong sinanay sa presensya niya, so how can I not think of him when we have great memories together?

“Girl, cheer up, nag-aalala na ako sa kipay mo at baka nakasimangot na rin ‘yan bukod sa walang dilig talaga for over years.” Sabi ni Cha sa akin habang nakapameywang na tinitingnan ako.

“Naiisip ko talaga kahit anong gawing libang ko sa sarili. You can’t blame me, Conan’s constantly been occupying my mind.”

“And you can’t bring him back by doing this and by being miserable, kasi kung nagwowork ‘yong pagiging miserable para mabuhay ang isang tao, matagal mo nang kasama ulit si Conan.” Dagdag naman nito.

“Alam ko naman ‘yon. Pero saksi ka sa pagmamahalan naming dalawa. Mahirap siyang kalimutan Cha, ang hirap-hirap kalimutan ng taong kasa-kasama mo sa buhay.”

I heard her clicked her tongue and walked towards me and sit down.

“Alam mo girl, sa akin lang ha. I think Conan would want you to endure the world without him. Kung nandito lang ‘yon, alam kong pagagalitan ka noon.

Alam kong your grief belongs to you and I don’t have a say on that kasi nararamdaman mo ‘yan.

But girl, have yourself figured things out and move forward. Let him go already, you deserve to live in a new journey.” She said.

That night, I cried again remembering him. Crying is a way of honouring who they are in our life, and what have we lost.

I saw our wedding picture in the wall. Kaya dahan-dahan akong tumayo sa kama at saka tumungo roon at pinakatitigan ang larawang ‘yon. We’re so happy and lovely in that picture.

“Masakit pa rin ang pag-iwan mo sa’kin. But you know what, kahit may punto naman ang sinabi ng pinsan mo sa akin, I still couldn’t take my part to listen to her. Kasi ang hirap mong kalimutan.” Saad ko habang titig na titig pa rin sa larawan. Yumuko ako at pinalis ang luhang gustong tumakas sa mga mata ko. Because I know, he’ll be the saddest of all when I cry.

“Give me a sign to move forward Conan, please, napag-iiwanan na ako…” I hardly said.

If he’s just still alive, I wouldn’t be this miserable. He gives colours to my life, but now that he’s gone, I am all dull and lifeless.

“Girl, sumama ka na kasi. We will just chill outside.”

“Not in the bar?” I asked.

“Yes, not in the bar. Near the beach lang, we’ll listen to the band while drinking.”

“Hindi ako iinom. The last time I drink, I slapped a man.” I said remembering that day. I was so wasted, they had a video of me rolling in the street and even captured that video where I slapped that stranger.

“Oh come one Tala, that was years ago.”

“Kahit na Cha, baka hindi na sampal ang magawa ko sa susunod.” Sabi ko at napangisi sa kanya dahil sa naisip.

“Fine, hindi ka na iinom basta sumama ka na lang sa amin ni Kaila.”

I couldn’t say no because I wanted to be out too. Ayoko nang magkulong sa bahay dahil nalulungkot lang agad ako dahil naaalala ko lang si Conan sa lahat ng sulok ng bahay.

Masakit man isipin, but I am planning to move out from our house. Maintindihan sana ako ni Conan sa gagawin ko.

“Cheers!” both Cha and Kaila uttered before drinking. Gumuhit agad ang pait sa itsura nilang dalawa pero napalitan din agad ng tawa. Umiling na lang ako.

“Boring nitong kasama natin, pajuice-juice lang.” Kaila uttered but I just make a face.

“So, how’s life recently?” tanong ni Cha kay Kaila. Agad naman itong sumimangot at nagpaikot ng mga mata.

“Here, wala pa ring lalaki sa buhay.” Sabi niya.

“Gago, sanaol lalaki lang ang problema, ako kasi renta.” Sabi naman ni Cha saka tumawa.

“Ang yaman-yaman mo tapos poproblemahin mo ‘yong renta? Bumalik ka na kasi sa mga magulang mo.”

“That will never happen. Ayokong gumamit ng perang hindi naman nila pinaghirapan.”

Cha is actually rich – no, slash that, she keeps on saying that she’s not rich nor they are rich dahil hindi niya naman pera ‘yon o ng mga magulang niya. Her dad is a politician, and unfortunately, a corrupt politician, and she hate that thought so to make the story short, she lived separately with them, without getting any cash.

“Until 12:00 pm lang ako ah,” I reminded them. Upon hearing that, I heard them whined like a child.

“May trabaho ako bukas mga bwiset kayo,” I said.

“So kami wala? Ganoon?” angal naman nilang dalawa.

“Bahala kayo basta hanggang 12 lang ako.” I added.

We listen to the band, ako talaga ‘yong tutok na tutok sa kumakanta dahil ang lamig ng boses nito, tapos samahan pa ng malamig na hangin. That was, serene and hopeful.

I was engrossed with the band not until I heard the next classic song.

It was a song sang by the righteous brothers’ entitled, chained melody.

Memories of that song runs through my entire head. I couldn’t say something, but I smiled. It was a good memory of the other person that somehow had a place in my heart, a long time ago.

“Tala!” I heard Kaila shouted my name. I didn’t know she was calling me a few times. Masyado yata akong nadala noong kanta kaya hindi ko na inalintana na tinatawag niya pala ako.

And when I tilted my head to look at her, I saw a man next to her. Isang tao na tinutukoy ko sa kanta. Taong naging parte ng buhay ko.

Unchained melody, how ironic.

“Long time no see, Tala.” He said and showed me a smile. I was taken aback. He looks…different.

“Yeah, long time no see Lexus.” I said.

Nagtagal ang pagkakatitigan naming dalawa until it stops when we both heard Kaila and Cha’s words with us.

“Grabe, mukhang sobrang miss na miss niyong dalawa ang isa’t-isa ah?” Cha muttered and then grinned.

“Pansin ko nga Cha, kanina pa nagkakatutunawan ‘yang dalawang ‘yan eh. Makatitig naman sa isa’t-isa parang walang tao sa paligid ano?” Si Kaila naman ‘yon.

Lexus is with his other two friends, He’s with Nigel and Gian. Ang tagal din nilang magkasama, at ang tibay ng pagkakaibigan nila. Imagine their built friendship since law school? Hindi talaga silang tatlo nabubuwag.

Naupo na sila sa table namin. Kaya kung tatlo lang kami kanina ang nagsosolo sa mahabang mesa, ngayon ay anim na kami ang naroon.

“Grabe, hanggang ngayon magkakasama pa rin kayo noh? It’s so amazing.” Kaila started the conversation.

“Oo nga eh, nairita na ako sa mga pagmumukha nila.” I heard Lexus said. He looks really matured now, pero ‘yong ugali niya ay mukhang pang-college pa rin.

“Akala mo naman siya lang ang naiirita. FYI, kami rin!” Nigel uttered and make a face. That’s their friendship, maloko silang tatlo.

“Grabe, we lost contact to each other noh? Ilang years din kaming walang balita sa inyo lalo na kay Lexus.” Cha said.

Yeah, I agree, since we broke-up, no contacts talaga, like parang nangibang planeta.

The sight of him now feels surreal. Hindi ko inaasahan ang pagkikitang ito. Kaya kanina pa ako pasulyap-sulyap sa kanya. Sometimes, he would catch my eyes looking at him pero agad ko namang iniiba ng direksyon.

“Naiilang ka ba?” he suddenly asked me. Sina Kaila at Cha ay busy makipag-usap at magtawanan kina Nigel at Gian kaya hindi na nila napansin na kinausap ako ni Lexus.

“Bakit mo naman natanong?” I asked back. He just shrugged his shoulders. Inayos niya ang pagkakaupo niya at saka tuluyan nang itinuon ang atensyon sa akin. Grabe, namiss ko siya, namiss ko ‘yong law school life ko noon kasi study-budy talaga kaming dalawa sa Osiris.

“You feel so awkward, lilipat na lang kami ng table kung hindi ka komportable.” He sincerely said.

Seriously? He really thinks I am uncomfortable with him here? O ganoon ba ang sinasabi ng mga galaw ko?

I mean, not that I am not comfortable with them being here, I just feel a bit awkward, nahihiya lang ako sa kanya, syempre, we had a past, ex-boyfriend ko siya, and to do things like this with him, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat na maging reaksyon o galaw ko. Saka, hindi naging maganda ang paghihiwalay namin because of too much issues that I easily believed with.

It’s just…it’s hard.

“Nahihiya lang ako…” sambit ko sa kanya at panandaliang tumitig. Over the years, ang tumitig talaga sa mga mata niya ang hindi ko makayanan.

“Grabe naman Tala, ako lang to oh. No pressure, promise.” Sabi naman niya. And this, ito ‘yong namiss ko sa kanya, iyong kaya niyang gawing light ang ambience mo sa kabila ng lahat. He really finds his way to make the conversation lighter and more engaging.

“Loosen up a bit Tala,” he added and then smiled at me. That causes me to smile too. I shifted my weight.

“I think I should.”

“You must.” He said. Tumango ako saka nilagok ang natitirang juice sa baso ko pero parang kulang pa rin, I suddenly feel so thirsty, and I think I need to drink beer now.

Malalim na ang gabi, at sa mga nagdaang oras, ilang beer na ang nainom ko. I couldn’t contain staring at Lexus because it sent me some sensual vibes within, and I don’t like it. I don’t like where this is coming from.

And his looks at me? I don’t know, I might be mistaken but, I sensed something. Lexus is an active man. He’s kind, quirky, but I was with him for years, and we made something more than what just a couple do.

Our study dates before would always be gone to wrong. It would always lead to something intimate.

But I was so sure of the way he used to look at me.

Those side glances, the same familiar quick eye movement when I caught him staring at me, those eyes full of desires – it stirred something inside me, I was thrilled and overwhelmed. It was nice to see him again.

My head was spinning already, naririnig ko na lamang ang mga kaibigan ni Lexus na sinusuway ang mga kaibigan ko na alam kong lasing na rin.

Patuloy lang akong nakayuko, and any moment, mukhang babagsak na rin ako. But before that happen, nasalo na ako ni Lexus. I immediately smell his perfume, and it lingers. Nanatili ang pabango niya sa akin.

“Iuuwi na kita, you’re drunk already.” I heard him said that but I couldn’t respond because I don’t have enough energy to speak. Kahit ang simpleng pagtango ay hindi ko na nagawa pa.

“Your address?” tanong niya ulit, pero natili pa rin akong pipi. Hindi ko alam kung wala lang ba talaga akong lakas o ayoko lang sabihin kung nasaan ako nakatira ngayon.

What do I want? What do I really want him to do?

Naramdaman ko na lamang na binuhat na niya ako at nagpaalam na sa kaibigan nito. He puts me gently inside his car. I also felt how gentle he was in putting the seatbelt on me.

“You know you’re a low drinker but you still drink a lot.” I heard him said that. Kahit nakapikit ako ay alam kong nakangisi ito sa akin, probably still amused or natatawa lang sa estado ko ngayon?

Ang haggard ko siguro kaya tinatawanan niya ako.

Naramdaman ko na lamang na umalis na kami, pero hindi ko alam kung saan niya ako ihahatid. Did he know where I lived? Tinanong niya kaya ang mga kaibigan ko?

Until I felt that the car stopped. Hindi na gaanong umiikot ang ulo ko kaya nakagagalaw na ako.

“Where are we Lex?” I asked him almost a whisper.

“My condo. I don’t know where you lived, you aren’t answering me earlier.” Sagot naman niya.

“Sorry.” I said.

“It’s okay. If you want hatid na lang kita sa inyo?” he recommend. Umiling agad ako, he’s already tired saka nakainom siya. Mas mabuti na sigurong dumito muna ako kahit isang gabi lang.

“I can sleep here right? Just one night?”

Hindi agad siya nakasagot, I bet he hesitated, but he nodded after a seconds.

“Dito ka na matulog, uuwi ako sa bahay.” Sabi niya. Bakit siya uuwi?

“Why?” nagtatakang sabi ko sa kanya.

“Because this is wrong,” he said, and then groaned after.

“Mali? Bakit magiging mali? Mali bang matulog sa condo mo?”

“God Tala, you’re married. Hindi maganda ang ganoon na matutulog ka sa bahay ng iba. Tell me your address and I’ll drive you there.”

His forehead was creased, and he already looks so frustrated.

“What?” tanging sabi ko. Hindi niya ba alam?

“I’m widowed Lexus.” I uttered.

“Come again?” he said, shocked was all over his face. Unti-unti kong tinanggal ang seatbelt sa akin, at kahit na nahihilo pa rin ng kaunti, I was able to straddled into his lap which made him stopped for a moment.

“I’m widowed, and a married woman doesn’t do this kind of thing to other man Lexus.” After that, I slowly claimed his lips on to mine. Nervousness gathered all through me the moment our lips touched – but the feeling was enormous, it felt the first time.

Kissing him now was bringing all the memories we had, I still felt that electrifying feeling with him. God, I missed him.