Flawed Desires

The last time I remember, accountancy ang tinapos ko. Hindi ko kahit kailan naisip na babagsak ako sa ganitong trabaho. I never wish for this nor think of it. Kung bakit ba kasi naging isa akong uto-uto at pumayag sa ganitong trabaho. Ni hindi ko naisip na maghihirap lang ako.

I was fine with my life yesterday, but today I don't think I can even utter that even in my mind.

Parusa ba 'to? Bakit? Para saan? Sa pagkakaalam ko ay wala naman akong nagawang masama. Wala akong natandaang natapakan na tao maski isa.

"What are you doing?" A toneless baritone voice uttered.

I almost jump on my place hearing his voice. I smiled bitterly at myself. Ah! I remember now. Ito pala ang gusto niya, ito ang parusa niya sa akin sa paratang na wala namang katotohanan. Ni hindi niya ako pinakinggan, kahit isang pangungusap ay wala. He just throw me out like I'm the most disgusting and disceitful woman in the world.

"What do you need, Mayor?" I politely asked trying to hide my trembling hands by putting it on my back.

I'm used to it. Hindi naman na bago sa akin ang masaktan niya. Noon, hindi lang paninigaw ang nagawa niya sa akin. He even slap and punch me like I am not a woman. Minsan naisip ko, minahal niya ba talaga ako? Kung oo, ang sama niya naman magmahal.

"I need you to stop spacing out and get me a coffee, now!"

I slightly bowed my head and walk in fast pace to get his coffee immediately. He likes it sweet. Alam na alam ko iyon dahil dalawang taon din kaming nagsama. Halos kabisado ko na nga ang takbo ng bituka niya.

Sayang.

That's the perfect word that can describe our relationship. Kaya ko namang tiisin ang ugali niya, kaya kong tagalan iyon. Mahal ko siya, e. Ano bang hindi mo nagagawa kapag nagmahal ka? Kahit pinakamahirap na bagay para sayo ay pilit mong gagawin dahil nagmahal ka. Kaya nga tanga ang nagmamahal hindi ba?

Hindi ko na napansin na umaapaw na sa baso ang mainit na tubig na inilalagay ko. I groaned in pain and immediately wiggled my hands.

Tanga na nga sa pag-ibig, tanga pa sa gawa.

I washed my hand on the nearest faucet and continue concocting his coffee. I didn't mind the pain on my hand and the reddish color it gives. Mawawala rin naman iyan sa loob ng ilang araw.

I knock three times on his office door before entering. My hands are trembling but I remained looking calm. I forced it to stopped from trembling when I needed to put his coffee on his table. Hindi niya pwedeng malaman na hanggang ngayon ay naaapektuhan pa rin ako sa presensiya niya.

I winced when he suddenly pulled my burned hand. I saw how his face darkened. May naramdaman akong kaunting takot ngunit agad ring nawala ng makita ang paglambot ng kanyang ekspresiyon.

My eyes suddenly becomes teary. That's the look he's always giving me back then. Noong paunti-unti na siyang nagbabago.

I look up to stop my tears from falling. I shouldn't be weak infront of him. Mas lalo niya akong papahirapan kung makikita niyang mahina ako, mahina pagdating sa kanya.

"What happened?" He asked.

I shook my head and withdraw my hand from his grip.

"Wala po ito, Mayor. Drink your coffee now. Baka lumamig." I said before turning my back on him.

I sighed massively as I close the door behind me.

I still remember that day clearly. The day he turned his back on me. Ganito rin ba ang naramdaman niya noon?

Asa pa.

I felt my heart clenching reminiscing our happy days back then. Saan ako nagkamali? Saan bumaliko ang lahat? Sa anong pagkakataon? Sa anong dahilan?

I walked towards my small office beside his and lazily sat on my chair. This is just my first day but I'm already tired. I didn't even do anything tiring, I just made him coffee and stand there in his office for I don't know how many minutes.

Nakakapagod pala talaga, nakakapagod magpanggap na ayos ka kahit ang totoo ay hindi.

A call snapped me out from my reveries. "What?" I uttered after answering the call.

"How are you? Are you fine?" Mark on the other line concernly asked.

I sighed massively and leaned my back on my chair. I close my eyes tightly and massage my temple using one hand.

"What do you think?" I weakly uttered.

"Suko ka na kaagad?" Pang-aasar niya.

I rolled my eyes inside my head and sighed for the ninth time. "Akala mo madali 'to? Kung ang pagiging fake gay mo ay madali para sayo, ang pagiging fake fine ko ay mahirap para sa akin."

He chuckled and suddenly cleared his throat. "Why did you even accept that job in the first place? You're fine here in Manila. Mas madali pa nga ang trabaho mo rito."

Ilang minutong katahimikan ang bumalot sa aming dalawa. Bakit nga ba?

I only have one answer for that. "I want to see him."

"Malala ka na, Bethylia. Noong in-offer sa'yo 'yan ay panay ang reklamo mo sa amin, ang ending pala ay kukuhanin mo rin."

"Ang tanga tanga ko! Nagpauto ako sa sarili kong puso Mark!" I hissed.

He chuckled. "Mabuti at alam mo."

Inis na pinagpupukpok ko ang ulo sa sobrang pagkasiphayo. If I wasn't a birdbrained woman, e'di sana wala ako sa pwestong ito ngayon. Bakit ba kasi ang hina hina ko pagdating sa kanya!

"Kung hindi ka ba naman kasi marupok." 

"Mas marupok ka pa sa akin, Bethyl!" I heard Blanche uttered.

"Maraming salamat sa suporta niyo!" I snorted.

"My phone is on a loudspeaker. Naririnig ka nilang lahat."

"Traydor ka, Mark!" I grunted.

"Kalma ka lang, Bethylia. Alam naman naming lahat kung gaano ka karupok!" Natatawa niyang saad.

"Kapag nakita ko si Arya ay kukumbisihin ko siyang iwan ka na!" I threatened.

"Katulad ng ginawang pag-iwan sayo ni Pedro Penduko!" Janpzy shouted.

"Walang hiya ka! Akala ko sa akin ka kampi!" I frowned but still laughed my ass out.

I miss my friends, they're the one who lights up my world during my darkest days. Kung noon, kay Pedro ko lang iyon nakukuha, ngayon natutunan ko ng makita iyon sa lahat ng taong minamahal ko sa buhay. Hindi pwedeng sa isang tao lang iikot ang mundo ko. Natuto na ako.

"Ang dami dami kasing lalaking pwedeng pwedeng mahalin diyan, kay Pedro ka pa bumagsak!" Samm uttered.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling of my office.

"What's so wrong in loving Pedro?" I muttered unconciously.

I always heard that from them. How wrong loving Pedro is. What's wrong with it? That's my question everytime they're saying that because I see nothing. 

May kwalipikasyon ba kapag magmamahal? Pinipili ba iyon? Alam ko hindi naman dahil kusa iyong nararamdaman.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang ayaw nila kay Pedro, ano bang mali sa kanya? Surely he's fond of hurting other people but he has his other side too. Hindi lang naman iyon ang ugaling mayroon siya. Hindi lang nila nakikita iyon dahil nakapokus sila sa isang negatibong kaugaliang nakita nila.

I can't blame them. They are hurt too, by Pedro. Especially my friends. Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses na niya kaming nasaktan. Kaya hindi ko sila masisisi kung talagang masama ang tingin nila sa kanya.

And people are like that anyway, kahit may gawin kang mabuti, kapag may nagawa kang mali ay iyon at iyon na lang ang maaalala nila. Maiitsapwera ang lahat ng mabubuting bagay na ginawa mo. And that's fine right? Because we can't control other people's mindset.

Ang akin lang naman, sana ay hindi nila kinukwestiyon ang nararamdaman ko para kay Pedro. I didn't even questioned myself when I started feeling this. Nandito na, e. Naramdaman ko na. Magtatanong pa ba ako? Isa lang rin naman ang magiging sagot kung pilit kong kukuwestiyonin 'yon.

"Everything is wrong. " I heard Rene carefully uttered.

"There's nothing wrong in loving someone, guys. Wala bang imperfections ang mga mahal niyo? Mayroon din naman. Don't judge my feelings for him because of what personality of him you've known. Lahat naman ng tao nagbabago, lahat may dahilan sa lahat ng bagay."

"I remember Taylor Swift lyrics in a song." Janpzy suddenly added. "If a man talk shit then I owe him nothing."

I chuckled and shook my head. "Palitan natin. If a person talk shit then we owe them nothing."

"Exactly!" They exclaimed in unison.

"Your man talk shit on you! You owe him nothing Bethyl!" Janpzy tried to made me realize what she's trying to say.

"And you talk shit on him." I chuckled.

"What the hell? Hindi ka talaga namin maintindihan!" Blanche frustratedly exclaimed.

"Just like how I don't understand your ways of loving, Blanche." I fired back.

"Oo nga! At least siya isa lang ang mahal!" Samm teased Blanche. I heard countless cussed and slaps.

"Para na naman kayong mga tanga diyan!" I laughed.

"Kawawa ang phone ko, Bethylia! Binato ni Blanche!" Mark exclaimed. I can imagine him pouting right now.

"Marami ka namang pera, bili ka na lang ulit ng bago, o kaya hingi ka sa kambal mong yelo ang ibinubuga!"

"Wala kang kwentang kausap!"

"Bye na nga! Magsuntukan na muna kayo diyan. I miss you! Love you all!" I said before ending the call.

My heart feels light talking to my friends. At least they made me snapped out from my reminiscing state.

"Who's that?" Pedro suddenly butted in.

Napatayo ako sa kinauupuan at pinagsiklop ang kamay sa harapan.

"Mayor, do you need something?" I asked nervously.

I can't help but feel nervous everytime we're having interactions. Who wouldn't? Ilang taon ko siyang hindi nakita. Marami ng nagbago sa amin, sa kanya, sa akin.

"I asked first, Bethylia." He firmly said while walking towards me.

Natulos ako sa kinatatayuan nang tumayo siya sa harap ko at tumitig sa mga mata ko na parang may hinahanap na sagot.

"Who's who, Mayor?" I asked firmly.

"The one who you exchange I love you with."

I gasped as my forehead creased. Did I heard it right? As far as I remember we don't have any relationship for him to ask that super personal question. And doesn't he heard it all? It's love you all.

"Am I required to answer that, Sir?" I asked confusely.

"You need to because I asked." He furiously said.

I squinted my eyes before averting it from him.

"It's Mark." I answered, half-lie. It's not wrong to make him a little jealous right?

"Mark Langston?" He asked with an arched brow.

I nodded and pursed my lips as his face reddened.

"Gamutin mo iyang paso mo, inuna mo pa ang pakikipaglandian kaysa sa pagasikaso diyan sa kamay mo." He uttered coldly before turning his back on me with his fist clenched.

"Thank you." I uttered on the air when he vanishes from my sight.

My wide smile didn't left my face even if I'm feeling pain from treating my burns. He's still concern in me! And he's jealous! I know that this is all foolishness but I don't care.

I love him.

Iyon lang naman ang importante hindi ba?

"Binaliw mo ako ng sobra Pedro." I whispered to myself. "Binaliw mo pa ako lalo sa biglaang pag-iwan mo sa akin sa ere."

Pinagpatuloy ko ang marahang paglalagay ng ointment na ibinigay ni Pedro ng may malaking ngiti sa labi. I feel like all my tiredness are washed away. Isang pagaalala niya lang ay nawala na lahat ng pagod at bigat sa puso ko.

I gasped when my office door suddenly opened. I look at Pedro confusely whose standing tall on the door.

"I don't like sweet coffee's anymore. I just want to remind you." He said before snapping the door loudly.

The happiness I've felt for a minute immediately vanished after hearing his statement. 

Ang dami na ngang nagbago. Does his love for me change too? I hope not because mine didn't even left my heart even for a second.