Chapter Four

Just like what Katherine said, we will watch the basketball game. We are currently at the gymnasium, wow, there's a lot of people. The players aren't here, since the facilitators are still cleaning the court. So why are we here already? These guys are too excited. Anyways, our basketball team will have its competitor for today coming from the other school. Most of the students are dying to watch it since they said that it'll be a big game, like it was some kind of inter high competition. I wish it'll be finished soon because I wanna go home right now. And that will be impossible since the game isn't even starting. Tsk! 

Fifteen minutes had passed and the game wasn't still starting. Suddenly, I felt like my head hurt. I looked at my surroundings and my vision was spinning. I tried to make it clear by closing my eyes for a second but when I opened it again, it caused me more headache. I don't think I'll be able to stand it especially because the place is too clangorous, it'll probably make my head hurt more. 

I tried to speak with Liam and Katherine about what I'm feeling but I can't find them. Wait, where did the two go? Argh! My head really hurts, I can't stand it. I need to go now. I'll just call them later. 

Luckily, I was able to leave the gymnasium and walk towards the clinic without me losing my balance and losing my consciousness. When I arrived at the clinic, I immediately laid myself down on the bed. I heard that someone walked towards my place but I couldn't open my eyes to see who it was. It was painful for me to do so. I remained in bed, lying down, when someone touched my shoulders. 

"Are you okay? What are you feeling?" Oh! She must be the school nurse. I tried calming myself to know how I feel, if there's something I feel more than headaches. It took me a minute before I could answer her. 

"I-I feel like my whole body is spinning. When I try to move, even just a little bit, it feels like I'm waving. The feeling where I am on a beach." Yea, right. That's how I really feel. I thought it was just a plain headache, but now, I don't think so. 

"Well, I'm going to check your blood pressure. Afterwards, I'm gonna give you some meds to deal with the headache. After a few minutes, you could take a rest here," she said and smiled. Nice, but not really. I hope it's not that serious. The nurse checked my blood pressure and said it was normal. Thank God. She also gave me meds like what she said to ease the headache. Later that night, I slept in the bed. 

An hour had passed when I woke up. I'm feeling better now compared to earlier. That's a relief then, I thought it's something serious. The nurse checked me once again. 

"How are you feeling now?" 

"I'm feeling okay now. Thank you."

"That's good. Don't forget to eat and sleep, okay? Also, if you ever feel ill again, I suggest you go to the hospital for some checking. It's better to be checked, we won't know what it'll be if not." Seriously, I'm not really fond of hospitals ever since but I think she's right. Maybe something's not well with my health. I'll take a check-up when I have free time. 

I bid my goodbye and left the clinic. I checked my phone, there's a lot of messages from Liam and Katherine, they're looking for me. Tsk, they left me earlier. Also, I received a message from the girls yesterday. 

"Have you ever thought of it? We are still open for you."

I ignored her message. Like what I've said, I'm not interested in joining the student's council. It'll take up so much time, I am not good at time management and multitasking. Also, I'm not fit to be a role model, that would be hilarious. So, no thanks.

I decided to call Liam to know where they are. When he answered, I heard loud noises. Cheers and whistles are surely everywhere. The game isn't finished yet? 

"Hey dude, where are you? Still in the gym?"

"Ah yes, the game just got started since the opponents arrived late. By the way, where are you? We've been looking for you everywhere." Oh really? I see, the clinic isn't included everywhere. 

"I just wandered around. I don't like to be surrounded by people." Lies. On the other hand, it's true. I hate being with other people in one place so I said that. But, I told him that because I don't want them to worry about me, it's nothing serious anyways. I'm fine now so it's good. 

"Oh, I see. Then we'll just message you if the game has finished. Don't go so far around the university, okay? Take care, bro." 

"Yeah later," I replied and then the phone call ended. Now, where should I go? Hmm, maybe I'll buy some food at the cafeteria and then go to the library. It's better to read than to wonder around. 

I said I'll be at the library reading books but look where I am now. At the school's park, great. So nice of you Kevin to contradict yourself. Well, it's fine to be here though. Lots of trees and so peaceful, no noise can be heard aside from the bird's chirping. Also, students still have classes and the others at the gymnasium so there's no one to be here, except me, I guess. 

I sat on one of the wooden chairs. It's long, suited for three people and back-to-back. I mean, someone can sit behind me. I checked my schedule for today, we have no classes this afternoon since my professor isn't present. I should be going home now but it's better to stay here. I close my eyes and feel the fresh air. It's so nice to be here, so peaceful. 

Minutes later, someone sitting behind me. I didn't open my eyes, I stayed quiet. The man behind me didn't speak or anything, like he would, we're not close anyways. Wait, how could I tell it's a man when I didn't see who is it? Nevermind. 

As I remained my eyes closed, the vision of what happened at the library yesterday, between me and James flashback. From the scene, to every word he said, the emotions I felt that time, it's all coming back. I thought I'll be fine, I thought it's alright for me. I didn't cry last night. I didn't think about it so why? Why do I feel so helpless? Why do I feel sad about it? The pain... I thought there's no way I would ever feel that but guess I was wrong. I am feeling it right now. 

Thinking. I kept on thinking. I can't handle it anymore. My tears are already falling. I don't know why but I just do. I tried to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to cause any noise. I don't want to but myself really contradicts me, I failed. I cry, and cry, and cry. I cry my heart's out. I burst out all the pain I'm feeling. I don't care about anything anymore, I just want to let go of this pain. I am deeply hurt. 

"I never thought I'd ever feel this way. I've done everything. I gave all I have just to prove how much I love him. I never lied on how I really feel, so how could he done this to me? After everything, this is what he'll give me. He played me as one of his toys. I-I can't believe it."

"He told me he'll be different from my exes. He told me he'll treasure me. Lies. He just told me lies. There's no truth with everything he said to me. I never asked for anything. I always understand him so how could he made me such a fool?"

"I tried to understand everything. I made myself deserving of his love. I changed my old habits just for him. I've done everything for him. Why? Why do I need to feel so worthless? I gave him my all."

I'm crying out loud. I want to let go of this pain. I just can't accept it that he made me so stupid. For the past months that we've been together, I didn't notice anything wrong. I didn't even notice even a single detail that he didn't love me for real. That he's just using me for his own good. I'm such an idiot. 

I thought everything's fine. I thought it wouldn't hurt me. I was so wrong. I never thought that I'll be having a broken heart, that my heart will bleed because of love. But now that I'm feeling so much pain, I think the reality really slaps me. I am not deserving of love. 

I am crying but at the same time, laughing. I never imagined that this day would come. I've been hurt by so many people before, by my exes. I felt this pain before but it feels like it's always new. I never learned from it. They don't really love me. It's either they used me for fun or something else, it's still the same, I've been played. My feelings had been played. They made me look like a fool. And I never learned from it. 

Am I not enough? I tried everything just to reach their standards, am I not doing well? What should I do then? Should I change myself? Yea right, maybe I really should.

"ARGH!!! All I want is to be in love." I shouted. 

"You're such a fool." What the heck?