Her Buried Desires

Stranger

-

Kaia's

I was in elementary school when I first noticed it. It was my graduation at that time. All I can remember is being excited to walk up on the stage to receive the medal and diploma. I was also nervous because of the valedictory speech that I am going to deliver later.

But when I looked around, I could not find them. My parents are nowhere to be found. Dad said that they might be late for a few minutes pero anong oras na.

"Nana, where are they? It's almost starting," inip na baling ko sa matandang kasambahay namin. Siya at isang driver lamang ang kasama ko rito. Nauna kami dahil kailangang maaga ako. May iilang paalala pa kasi sa akin dahil sa speech na gagawin ko mamaya para masiguradong maayos ang daloy ng program.

"Baka mahuli lang nang kaunti ang Mommy mo. Alam mo naman na hindi niya kayang maiwan mag-isa si Elyse..." marahang sagot ni Nana Ising. Batid ko ang malungkot na ngiti niya para sa akin but I brushed it off. I'm sure they are on their way now. Mali-late lang naman daw.

"Teka, susubukan kong tawagan," tukoy niya sa aking ina.

So, I waited.

Unfortunately, in the end, both of them didn't come. Mommy was busy taking care of my sick sister while Daddy called last minute to say...

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Something came up at work, it's an emergency meeting. It's very important. I hope you'll understand."

"Oh. Uh, i-it's okay, Dad..."

I remember pinching my fingers so hard para lang mapigilan ang mga luha na nagbabadya. The physical pain made me forget the emotional pain momentarily. Kaso hindi nakatulong ang mga naaawang tingin na natanggap ko mula sa mga guro, maging sa mga kapwa kamag-aral, nang malaman nila na wala akong kasamang magulang para sa araw na iyon.

I was on the verge of crying nang inalok ako ng adviser ko na siya na lamang daw ang magsasabit ng medals ko, but I held it in.

"Or you can go up stage with your..." nilingon niya si Nana Ising, maging ang driver na katabi nito bago muling bumaling sa akin. Hindi niya maituloy ang gusto niyang sabihin.

I tried my very best not to cry, not when there are too many people watching me.

"No, ma'am. It's okay. Kaya ko naman pong isabit sa sarili ko," pilit na ngiti ko.

Her eyes softened as she looked at me pitifully.

Really... it's okay. I'm okay. I understand it. Totoong naiintindihan ko.

Elyse is sick and it's best if my mom chose to stay with her. Meanwhile, Daddy is busy managing our business. He's just being a responsible father to his whole family.

Kaya kahit masakit para sa akin ang nangyari, kailangan kong intindihin iyon. I shouldn't be selfish.

Hindi naman mahalaga ang mga medalya o maging ang diploma na nakamit ko sa araw na iyon kaya dapat ay okay lang ito para sa akin. My family is the most important thing to me. I can always have those material things later anyway.

Like I said, naiintindihan ko.

But when I reached high school, doon ko na natanggap ang mapait na katotohanan.

I already saw it coming but a part of me—a big part, still wished that I was wrong. Na sana... mali ang mga hinala na bumabagabag sa akin mula noong bata pa ako at talagang totoo na nagkataon lang ang lahat.

"Nasan na raw po ba sila, Na?" baling ko kay Nana Ising. Her sorrowful expression was already too familiar to me, na alam ko na agad kung anong ibig sabihin no'n.

"Baka nahuli lang, 'nak. Doon na tayo maghintay sa loob."

Pero hindi pala ang medals, awards, o kung anumang certificates ang hindi mahalaga. It's me. Ako pala mismo.

I was a constant honor student but had no parents to go with sa bawat ceremony. Halos lahat na ata ng tao sa school ay alam ang katotohanang iyon. I could hear them whisper at times, may iilan na totoong naaawa, ang iba ay gusto lang makiusyoso.

"She's the top of their batch, right? Where are her parents?"

"Hindi ko pa nakikita ang mga magulang niyan, kahit sa parents' conference laging wala."

"Who's daughter is she anyway? Baka big time ang mga magulang kaya walang oras."

"Nakakaawa nga dahil ang laging kasama ay iyong katulong."

Hindi ko pinansin ang mga bulungang iyon. Because at the back of my mind, I was still hoping that they will eventually come. Baka late lang ulit. Baka natagalan mag-ayos. Baka naipit sa traffic. But I should have known.

Madalas, gusto kong sumigaw at magalit. I wanted to lash out at everyone but it felt so wrong, that's why I remained hurting in silent. Dahil alam ko naman na sa una pa lang, wala akong karapatan.

I had no right to demand something from them. Not when I am just their adopted daughter.

Elyse, my younger sister, on the other hand is their biological one. They had her when I was five years old and a miracle baby. Kaya ani nila, mas dapat itong tutukan. She also has a heart condition, so naturally, everyone's care and attention were always directed towards her.

And even though I was jealous of everything that she easily gets, I just couldn't bring myself to hate her. Dahil kahit kulang sa pagmamahal ng mga magulang, my sister never failed to make me feel loved.

At least, I have her. Siya lang ang totoong mayroon ako.

"Kierra Adelaide I. Arevalo, Bachelor of Science in Architecture, Summa Cum Laude!"

Napuno ng sigawan at palakpakan ang buong stadium. But the cheers and claps that I wanted the most were the hardest to get.

It would have been perfect if Mommy and Daddy were here too... pero 'di bale na, ang importante nandito ang kapatid ko.

I saw her cheering for me. Kitang-kita ko siya sa unahan. Doon kasi ang designated seats ng plus one ng mga may latin honors.

For the first time, I let a tear fall on stage at the end of my speech. Dahil sa wakas, I finally have someone that I can truly call my family... someone who really loves me genuinely.

As soon as the ceremony was over, agad na sumalubong si Elyse sa akin at yumakap.

"I'm so proud of you, Ate." Maluha-luha siya habang nakangiti nang sabihin iyon. She's wearing a straight neck pleated dress at nakalugay ang natural na wavy niyang buhok. Namumula rin ang kanyang mata at tuktok ng ilong, marahil sa pag-iyak.

Sa unang tingin, anyone would really thought that we were sisters by blood dahil sa iilang pagkakahawig. Nobody would think that we aren't biologically related if they didn't know the truth.

Niyakap ko siya pabalik. "I'm so glad you made it. Thank you."

"Don't mind Mom and Dad, okay? I'm here. From now on, I will always be with you."

I know that she's trying to comfort me with her words pero ang hindi niya alam, nagawa niya na iyon nang pinilit niyang makadalo sa okasyon na 'to.

Kahit na sanay na ay hindi ko pa rin mapigilang umasa na baka sakali sa huling pagkakataon ay may kasama na akong mag celebrate ng mga ganitong acheivements sa buhay, mapamalaki man o maliit. Madalas kasi ay si Nana Ising at kung sino mang driver ang nakatoka sa araw na iyon ang madalas kong nakakasama. I'm grateful for them. Truly. But it would be really nice to have someone on an occasion such as this, someone like a family member.

And God must have heard some of my prayers. He didn't fail me when he gave me my sister.

I have felt out of place in so many moments in my life lalo na nang dumating si Elyse, but she's also the only one who pulls me back to have a place in our family. Kaya papaano ko naman kamumuhian ang isang 'to?

Maybe it would be so much easier if she grew up to be hating me as well. Siguro mas madali para sa akin na magtanim ng sama ng loob.

However, I learned to let go of any ill feelings I develop for our parents. Every hatred will eventually dissipate because of her.

At kahit oo, nagsi-selos at naiinggit ako minsan, ayokong sisihin niya ang sarili para sa mga bagay na dinanas ko dahil alam kong wala naman siyang kasalanan. It's not her fault. Like me, she's just an innocent child caught in the middle of this unfortunate circumstance.

I love my sister and am willing to do everything for her. She's my only family.

Kaya nang biglaang sinabi ni Daddy that Elyse is bound to marry his new business partner's son, agad ang tutol ko.

Kunot-noo ko itong binalingan. We were currently having a dinner in the mansion. Umuwi ako rito dahil daw may mahalaga siyang iaanunsiyo pero hindi ko inakalang ganito!

"You're joking Dad, right?" 'di makapaniwalang sambit ko. I looked at my mom to make her back me up pero nag iwas lang ito ng tingin sa kahit na sino sa hapag. My frown deepened.

Ani Elyse noong nakaraan, laging wala ang dalawa para sa business meetings ng mga 'to. They were always either out of town or out of the country. I am staying at my condo kaya hindi ko alam ang buong detalye ng mga nangyayari sa mansyon. Ngayon lang ulit ako nakauwi.

"I'm serious. Elyse will be introduced to him next week."

What the hell?

Pagak akong natawa. My sister couldn't stop crying beside me, habang si Mommy ay patuloy ay pagkain ngunit hindi makatingin.

"Dad, this is absurd! You can't let her marry someone she doesn't even know!"

"That's why I said she'll meet him! They will be given enough time to know each other before we announce the engagement. And besides, they could still get to know each other after they got married."

Napatulala ako kay Daddy. He said it like it was all planned out at ibinabalita niya na lamang iyon. He's not even considering my sister's feelings! Or her consent for that matter!

What happened to their unconditional love for her? And Mommy is just... silent? I can't believe her! Bakit ganito?

"You can't let that happen, Dad!"

"And why? What do you suggest? I'm only looking out for her! I'm only thinking of your sister's future!"

Kami lang ni Daddy ang nagbabangayan at nagsisigawan. Tulad ko ay hindi na rin niya matapos ang kanyang pagkain. Elyse just continued to cry beside me.

"Kung lumaki lang sana siyang matalino katulad mo, hindi ko na iisipin pang ipakasal siya sa kung kanino! But let's accept it, alright? Your sister is a failure at ni isang beses ay hindi siya dumikit sa galing mo! She needed someone to guide her, to lead her!"

I looked at my Dad like he suddenly turned into some kind of monster. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa sinabi niya.

I don't get it. I spent my whole life trying to please them in order for me to get their attention dahil lagi silang naka-focus sa kapatid ko. Lalo na si Mommy, and yet... ganito lang din pala ang kakahinatnan ng lahat.

Them, not only abandoning their adopted daughter, but their biological one too!

Bumaling ako sa aking ina. "Mom! Can't you hear what Daddy is saying? Say something! This is bullshit!"

"Watch your mouth, Kierra Adelaide!" Dad's voice thundered. Matalim ko siyang tiningnan.

I have always been the obedient daughter. Hangga't kaya ko ay pinapaluguran ko ang kanilang mga gusto. Lahat kaya kong sundin at tiisin maliban dito.

"Don't try to belittle my sister in front of me, Dad! She's your daughter! She's smart and she knows what she's doing, kung sana ay hinahayaan niyo siya!" tukoy ko sa madalas na paghihigpit nila sa kapatid ko.

Kahit kailan ay hindi ko pa nasasagot o napagtataasan ng boses ang kahit na sino sa aming pamilya. This is really the first time.

I'm trying to compose myself pero nahihirapan ako sa bawat hikbi na naririnig ko mula sa aking kapatid at sa bawat masasakit na salitang binibitawan ng aming ama.

"Is this about the company?" tanong ko nang nanahimik si Daddy. I couldn't think of any reason kung bakit sila ganito ngayon bukod dito. I'm sure it's because of our company. Hindi ko matanggap kung iyon lang ang totoong rason niya para sa kabaliwang ito.

"Stop it, hija. I am just doing your sister a favor. This is what's best for her, this is for her future," tulirong sambit niya.

Pinapakalma niya ang sarili but the way he said it, it's like he's also trying to convince himself na tama nga ang desisyon niya.

Napailing ako. "Let my sister have her freedom, Dad, please. Don't do this."

Nangingilid na ang mga luha sa aking mata pero pinigilan kong mapangunahan ng sariling emosyon. This is not the right time to cry, Kaia. Your sister needs you.

"My decision is final."

Bigo kong tiningnan ang aking ama. Nagpatuloy na ito sa pagkain at hindi na muling bumaling sa akin.

"Dad, no, no, please..." Bumuhos lalo ang luha ni Elyse. She suddenly got up on her seat and went beside Dad's chair. Lumuhod siya habang paulit-ulit na binabanggit ang katagang iyon. Ang kanyang mga palad ay nagkikiskisan na tila ba nagdadasal na pakinggan ang kanyang hiling.

Kumirot ang puso ko. Daddy looked away at her. Rinig ko naman ang mga singhap ni Mommy sa kabilang gilid pero nanatili pa rin itong tahimik.

"Fine!" iritadong bigkas ko nang ilang minuto na ang lumipas ay hinayaan lang nilang gano'n ang kapatid ko. Pumikit ako nang mariin bago muling magsalita. "Pero ako ang magpapakasal. I know you're only doing this for the company. I know how you're trying to expand it. And I'm sure it's not just because you're worried for my sister's future..."

Sabay na napabaling si Daddy at Elyse sa aking sinabi. Hindi na napigilan ni Mommy na umiyak.

A tear fell on my cheek. Damn it! I knew it! She also doesn't agree with this pero para sa kompanya ay kaya nilang itaya maging ang sariling anak!

"Ate, no way! Please, Dad, please! I will be better, I promise! I will study harder! Don't do this! Ate, no, no!" ani Elyse pero hindi nagpatinag si Daddy.

Batid ko ang unti-unting pamumula ng aking ama, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa gigil o galit o kung ano man pero mataman niya akong tiningnan. His jaw clenched repeatedly.

"You have a great future ahead of you, Kaia. There's no denying that you're a prodigy. Kahit saang larangan ka dalhin ay talagang nag i-excel ka. Are you sure you're willing to sacrifice all that? You're just going to throw it all... away?"

In the corner of my eyes, I could see how my sister continuously shake her head. Maging si Mommy ay hindi na nakayanan at sinusubukang awatin na si Daddy.

"Adel, stop this. Let's talk about it some other time. This is not good for Elyse!" tukoy ni Mommy sa karamdaman ng aking kapatid. Dinaluhan na niya ito at pilit itinatayo mula sa pagkakaluhod but Elyse didn't budge. Patuloy itong nagmamakaawa sa aming ama.

Kahit na hindi sila ang totoong mga magulang ko ay nakuha ko pa rin ang iilang ugali ni Daddy. I know neither of us backs down easily. Everyone who knows our family would point it out too. Of how similar we are on some parts, like this. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba lumaki akong gano'n at na-adapt ko na siguro ang iilang katangian niya.

I held my father's gaze with determination.

Bahala na. Ang mahalaga ay mailigtas ko ang kapatid mula sa sitwasyon na 'to.

She just turned 18 for pete's sake! Ni wala pang isang buwan nang tungtungin niya ang legal na edad tapos ipapakasal na? Sa taong ni hindi niya pala kailanman nakikilala?

What if that man is a creep? Sinong matinong lalaki ang papayag na ipakasal agad sa kaka-18 years old pa lang? Oh, god! Mas lalo akong nakumbinsi na akuin iyon!

"I'm sure, Dad," taas-noo kong sagot.

I know that I don't want this for myself. Pero mas lalong ayaw ko nito para sa aking kapatid. Indeed, I have a great future ahead of me. Maraming firms na agad ang nag aagawan kahit na kaka-graduate ko pa lang. Ni hindi pa ako nakakapag licensure exam.

But for Elyse, I will do whatever it takes. This is for my family.

"Then, it's settled. We will meet him next week for dinner, just like how it was planned for Elyse, but this time it'll be you, so clear your schedule," pinal na sabi ni Daddy at tiim-bagang umalis sa dining. Sumunod si Mommy sa kanya. Rinig ko ang kanilang pagtatalo. But I know my Dad so well. Hindi na magbabago ang isip nito.

Agad kong niyakap si Elyse na ngayon ay nakaupo na nang tuluyan sa sahig. Paulit-ulit itong nag sorry at kahit hanggang sa kanyang kwarto ay hindi pa rin matigil ang pag-iyak nito.

"I shouldn't have let some of my grades fail. I'm sorry, Ate. It's all my fault," hikbi niya.

"Shh, get some sleep now. You need to rest. You already exhausted yourself from crying too much."

"No, I will talk to Dad again tomorrow. I'm sure we could convince him—"

Pinutol ko siya at inangat ang duvet para ayusin sa kanyang dibdib. "Don't worry about it. Just try to get some sleep now."

I sighed when she finally calmed down at pagkaraan nang halos isang oras ay nakatulog na rin.

Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa nangyari. I know that fully accepting this situation may take a while, but I will manage. Even if I don't really want to do this. Because I also know that deep in my heart, at the end of the day, I am willing to go to great lengths for my family's love and approval. Especially my sister's.

I don't really believe in romantic love kaya walang problema sa akin ang magpakasal kung para lang din naman sa kapakanan ng kompanya.

Falling in love? I have already given up that kind of delusion a long time ago. I don't find the need to explore that aspect of my life anymore because... well, it's useless and just a waste of time.

Nothing good comes out of it, at least for me.

The next few days came by quickly, and before I knew it, I am already running late to the dinner I promised my family.

Kinailangan ko pa kasing mag overtime sa firm because one of our clients, a well-known bachelor, wanted to have a deeper grasp on the concept we were proposing for his property. May iilan kasi itong ayaw sa design at gustong ipabago.

I really don't know about the details since si Adrian, my bestfriend and also partner for this project, ang siyang kausap nito because he's the one mainly handling it. I'm just helping him since it's urgent and high profile ang client.

Sa isang fancy restaurant gaganapin ang dinner at tinext na ni Elyse sa akin kanina ang address nito. Kung kaya naman simpleng champagne-colored backless satin dress ang sinuot ko. The material clung onto me like a second skin. Ang manipis nitong strap ay hina-highlight ang aking balikat. Pinaresan ko iyon ng isang nude color na platform heels.

Light make up lang ang ginawa ko. I also let my natural curls flow in one side, in my left side particularly, dahil na rin sa pagmamadali. And to complete my whole look, I accessorize with teardrop diamond dangling earrings.

Nang makarating ay agad kong inabot sa valet ang susi ng aking sasakyan at nagsimula na pumasok sa loob.

I'm already fifteen minutes late kaya dali-dali akong naglakad. Buti na lang din at kakaunti lang ang tao sa loob kaya hindi na ako nahirapan na makita sila.

The place is bathed in soft and warm lighting of chandeliers habang may classical music na tumutugtog.

I saw Elyse waving at me from her seat so I smiled at her.

Pero habang papalapit sa table at naaaninag nang maayos ang kasama nila, unti-unting napawi ang ngiting nakapaskil sa aking labi.

My eyes were glued to the pair of ash-gray ones I thought I would never see again.

What... the... fuck?