Hopes Beyond the Clouds

I was always wondering.

What's beyond the clouds?

According to Science, a cloud is a massive collection of tiny droplets of water.

When warm air rises, it expands and cools down. Cool air can't hold as much water vapor as warm air, so some of the vapor condenses into tiny pieces of dust and creates a tiny droplet around each dust particle. Once these billions of droplets come together, they become a visible cloud.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Walang araw na hindi ko naitatanong sa sarili kung ano nga ba talaga ang nakatago sa ibabaw ng ulap. Was there a black hole there? Was there a way towards other dimensions?

Muli kong pinukpok ang sariling ulo. Gusto ko na tuloy sumigaw nang kahit paulit-ulit kong tina-type sa search bar ang tanong na matagal ko nang gustong masagot ay iisa lang ang nakukuha kong mga sagot.

Clouds are made of droplets.

Clouds are made of water crystals.

I sighed.

Tumingin ako sa orasan.

3:00 P.M.

Kaagad akong napatayo at kinuha ang mga printed papers. Kagat-labi kong kinuha ang ball pen at ang big notebook kung saan nakasulat ang outline para sa gagawin kong paper work. I needed to pass this on time, and I also wished to become a featured writer in sport writing. Pero 'di nagtagal ay mas lalo lang gumulo ang lahat.

I couldn't concentrate. Everytime I moved my hand to make a single word, I always ended up thinking about clouds again -- on how mysterious they were.

'Di nagtagal ay pinili ko na lamang na titigan ang notebook. Ilang minuto 'ata akong naging ganoon hanggang sa napagpasyahan ko nang tumayo at tingnan nang maiigi ang mga ulap mula sa glass door.

Why are they so eccentric and mysterious?

I could see them literally. Anyone could see and observe them, but why did I have this kind of feeling that something was missing? Naningkit ang mga mata ko. I had read a lot of articles, though until now I still felt unsatisfied with my learnings.

I finally decided to go out of my room, only to notice someone watching seriously in a flat screen television. I stared at her passionate eyes. And in this moment, I could feel her. Seemed like she was curious into something, too.

"Faith!" tawag niya sa 'kin.

I gathered all my strength to form a smile. Sandali lang ang naging tingin niya sa 'kin dahil kaagad bumalik ang mga mata niya sa pinapanood. Slowly, I walked towards her. I was about to question her when I noticed that she was watching a science-related documentary. My lips pursed at the sight. Umupo ako sa tabi niya.

"Look," Chelsy called me, her expression untamable, still serious. Her eyes were glued on the tv. "I have been watching a lot of documentaries about people who have tumors. But I still can get the fact that there are some people who see chemotherapy as a lethal way of treatment."

Napatingin ako nang diretso sa mga mata niya. I might be into clouds, but God knew how I hated the Science subject. Minsan nga ay napapatanong ako sa sarili kung papaano ako napamahal sa mga ulap na tipong kaya ko nang magbasa ng ilang p*f pero kulelat naman sa asignaturang Siyensiya.

Simula elementary hanggang ngayong mag-sesenior high na ako ay 89 ang highest average ko sa Science subject. At 'yang 89 na 'yan, nangyari lang dahil sa mga pagsali ko sa mga cleaning operation ng school namin.

"Hindi ako maalam sa mga bagay na ganiyan, Chelsy," nahihiya kong sabi. Kinuha niya ang remote at pinatay ang tv. Tumingin siya sa 'kin. As usual, her almond eyes were twinkling in eagerness. Looked like she wanted to share something. At syempre, handa naman akong makinig sa kaniya.

"I will give you a question," she started. Tumango lang ako. Tinabingi niya ang kaniyang ulo at mas lalo akong pinagmasdan.

Nasanay na ako sa ganiyang uri ng tingin na binibigay niya sa 'kin. And it's obvious she got good genes from her parents for she looked adoring without doing something special.

Chelsy cleared her throat. "If a serious illness attacks you, what will you do? Magpapagamot ka ba o hahayaan mo na lang ang sarili na mamatay?"

Natawa ako sa tanong niya. Ngumuso naman siya sa naging reaksyon ko. Sanay na ako sa ganitong side niya. Sa tuwing nagkikita kami, parati siyang may weird at creepy na tinatanong, though nasanay na rin naman na ako. And I really adored this side of hers, for I found her so practical and true. Hindi tulad ng iba na kakausapin ka nga, puro naman kaplastikan ang mga sinasabi.

Ngumiti ako sa huli. "I would choose to die because--"

Natigalgal ako nang mapansin ang paglapit ng dalawang lalaki sa harapan namin ni Chelsy. They looked alluring in their own way of smiling. 'Yong isa, ngumiti nang nakikita ang ngipin. Habang 'yong isa ay simple lamang na ngiti ang pinakita, na para bang mamahalin ang ngiti niya.

I chuckled at my own observation, even though deep inside my system was shaking in tension. 'Yong lalaking may malaking ngiti ay umupo sa tabi ko.

Pero ang kinakatukan ko sa lahat ay 'yong lalaking may simpleng ngiti. Kahit na hindi naman siya nakabaling sa 'kin ay nanginginig pa rin ang kalamnan ko. He was always refreshing and captivating in all seasons, but I still never get tired of applauding his presence silently.

"Why are you choosing the death if you even have the chance to live peacefully again?" Adrian mocked me. 'Yong lalaking nagtataglay ng malaking ngiti kanina pa lang. "Suffering because of an illness is indeed not a piece of cake, Faith, but there's a hope for everything."

Natigalgal ako sa narinig mula sa kaniya. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay nasa ibabaw na ako ng isang paputok na bulkan sa kaba. Ito ang madalas kong kinakatakutan. Everytime I was around with these brilliant siblings, I became tongue-tied.

I breathed in as private as I could. Natatakot ako na pati pagbuntong-hininga ko ay marinig at makita na rin nila. Hangga't maaari ay kinalma ko ang sarili.

Ang lalaking may simpleng ngiti ay nakatingin din sa 'kin. He was presenting the kind of look that would surely made your legs shaken in a heartbeat. The kind of look that seemed exquisite yet lethal. His cloud-like orbs were still observing my actions.

Napansin ko rin ang pagpatong niya sa kaniyang siko sa armrest ng sofa, nakatingin sa 'kin, kaya ay talagang naghanap ako ng magandang sasabihin.

Ayaw kong magkamali. Kasi tatlo silang nasa harapan ko.

"Being dead is something that I find," I muttered, ". . . peaceful. Ayaw kong magtiis. Mas mabuti kung isahang sakit lang--"

"You mean, you choose death because you hate to feel the excessive pain?" someone asked me that.

At alam ko na ang tanong 'yon ay nagmula sa lalaking kanina ko pa inoobserbahan nang patago. At inaamin kong kinaiinisan ko na ang sarili ngayon kasi kahit isang salita ay wala akong maibigkas.

"Well, death is sometimes the only way, right?' Chelsy responded. "Even though you get treated, a week after the treatment, when the cancer cells in your body -- for example -- are not totally vanished, you might end up facing death."

Napatango na lang ako at napatayo. Hindi ko na kayang makatabi sila, hindi dahil sa ayaw ko sa kanila kundi dahil sa hindi ako nagiging komportable dahil sa isang presinsya ng isang lalaki. His eyes were so intense that I almost lost myself. Hindi ko alam kung may power ba siyang pahinain ang mga tuhod ko o sadyang ganito na lang talaga ako kahina sa tuwing natatanaw ko siya.

"Your name is Faith, right?" tanong ng lalaking kanina pa naging dahilan kaya nagrarambulan ang puso ko sa kaba. I waited for his next statement, but when minutes passed and I received nothing, I immediately excused myself.

I lost my control.

I became so transparent.

I became so weak.

Napasigaw ako nang makapasok na ako sa sariling kuwarto. 'Pag tingin ko sa salamin ay nakita ko ang grabeng pamumula ng mga pisngi ko.

He called be my name. And I thought this was the best day of my life. Ilang taon na akong nakatira rito, pero ito ang unang beses na nagtagal ang tingin niya sa 'kin, na para bang may gusto siyang malaman patungkol sa 'kin.

Hanggang ngayon, nagdadalawang-isip pa rin ako kung lalabas ba ako o rito na lang sa loob ng kuwarto. At the end, I chose the first one. I went out. I marched to the kitchen where I could still be able to hear them talking something.

Parang bata akong nagtago sa isang malapad na aparador. I made sure that my steps wouldn't create noice. Nang makahanap ng komportableng puwesto ay napakagat-labi na lamang ako.

Napatingin ako sa isang tao. And I realized that 'Rynierre' exquisitely suited his personality. Most of the times, I always found his orbs vivid and readable. Kagaya ngayon, nababasa ko ang mga mata niya. They were full of knowledge. Full of curiosity. And full of satisfaction.

And I applauded them for that. His orbs never failed to make me feel triumphed.

"Kuya, what kind of brain tumor is that?" dinig kong tanong ni Chelsy sa mga kuya niya.

I stood straight and readied myself for listening for more. Ngayon ay sabay-sabay na naman silang nanonood ng isang neurology-related documentary. Alam ko dahil 'yan ang madalas nilang pinagkukuwentuhan sa tuwing nagkikita silang lahat.

Adrian unsurely answered, "Ependymomas?' Tumingin siya sa katabi niyang lalaki, sa lalaking kanina ko rin pinagmamasdan, sa lalaking nagngangalang Rynierre. Ang dalawang magkapatid ay nakatingin sa kaniya na tila ba sa asawa ko na lang talaga sila umaasa.

And of course, I felt the tingling sensation in my stomach just watching him looking so smart and proficient, especially now that he's wearing his reading glasses. With or without that thing, nothing still could change the fact that Rynierre's eyes were the most adorable and venerable new version of cloud that I had ever seen.

"No. Hindi 'yan Ependymomas. Yes, that's also a rare cancer forms in brain or spinal cord. But this one in the documentary is all about butterfly tumor."

I bit my lip.

His intelligence never failed to make me so amused. Ano pa ba kasi ang dapat kong asahan? He's a future neurosurgeon. Kaya hindi na dapat ako magtaka kung magaling siya sa ganitong bagay.

Rynierre explained eligibly again. "Gioblastoma, GBM or grade IV astrocytoma, is a fast-growing, aggressive type of CNS tumor that forms on the supportive tissue of the brain. Glioblastoma is the most common grade IV brain cancer. Glioblastomas may appear in any lobe of the brain, but they develop more commonly in the frontal and temporal lobes."

"So that means, that person has had high possibility of getting dead?" Adrian questioned.

"Yes," my future neurosurgeon brightly responded, his eyeglasses beautifully sliding down to the tip of his pointed nose. "But it could be treated. And the treatment will depend on the type and grade of the cancer, where it's located, its size, and age and health of a person."

I was always wondering.

What's beyond the clouds?

At ngayon ay may napagtanto ako habang pinagmamasdan ang mala-ulap niyang mga mata. There's indeed something beyond the clouds. Something that you couldn't see, but you could really feel. Something that would make your questions be answered. A kind of emotion that would make you realise that there's indeed something beyond everything.