00 | Prologue

"What are you doing here?" said a cold voice as soon as I walked into the room.

I shut the door behind me. The soft morning light illuminated the whole office as curtains danced with the wind's direction. I stared at the person in front of me, her eyes fixed on the papers she was holding, as if I was nothing but air. My eyes then fell towards the plaque on the table, a familiar yet distant name printed in elegant golden letters.

Elina E. Liamzon—my mother.

"Good morning, Mama," sagot ko habang dahan-dahang naglalakad papalapit. "You went out early, kaya po dumaan ako rito."

"Get to the point, Serina. I have work to do."

Napakagat ako sa labi sa talim ng kanyang mga salita. Kahit na ganoon ay nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad. Hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak sa maliit na kahong nasa loob ng aking bulsa, bago ito kunin at ilapag sa kanyang lamesa. It was a royal blue box with a pair of earrings inside.

"I came to give you this. It's your present," I said, smiling. "Happy birthday."

Huminga ako nang malalim. Ang dibdib ko'y patuloy sa pagkabog habang hinihintay ang kanyang reaksyon.

Back when Papa was alive, he was the one who would usually do this kind of things. Whenever mine, Carlson, or Mama's birthday came, he would always prepare a gift, no matter how big or small it was. Siya kasi ang pinaka-sweet sa pamilya. Siya iyong laging nagpapatawa sa amin, at laging naghahanda ng mga surpresa.

Since he could not do those things anymore, I figured that I should be the one to do it in his stead. I thought Mama would somehow appreciate the gesture. But, apparently not. Hindi man lamang niya tinapunan ng tingin iyong regalo. She only continued what she was doing, which was not new to me. Sa limang taon kong ginagawa ito, ni minsan ay hindi niya pinansin iyong mga binibigay ko. Instead of being happy, it looked more like I was a bother to her.

Inayos ko ang bag kong nakasukbit sa balikat, hinahanda na ang sarili sa pag-alis nang mapagtantong wala akong makukuhang kahit na anong reaksyon sa ina. Matapos ang isang malalim na paghinga ay nagpaalam na ako. I only came here to give her the gift, anyway. I wasn't planning to stay long, nor was I expecting anything in return. Mas ayos nang hindi ako umaasa, para mas kakaunti ang sakit kapag hindi nangyari ang inaasahan. But just as I was about to go out, Mama's voice pierced through the silence in between us.

"Do you have any plans for today?" Napatigil ako sa tanong niyang iyon.

Nilingon ko siya pabalik. Napasinghap ako nang sa wakas ay magtama na ang aming mga mata. Bago pa iyon tumagal ay ibinagsak niya nang muli ang paningin sa mga papel na hawak niya.

"Wala po. Bakit po?" nanginginig kong sagot.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman. Ngayon niya lamang ako tinanong ng ganito. Sa tuwing darating ang kaarawan niya, lagi na lamang kaming magkahiwalay. It's either she's still at work, or she's inside her room, locked up until the next day. We live in the same house but have separate lives, like strangers forced into one roof, so just thinking about finally spending time with her was enough to fill me with joy.

"You're not going out?"

"Hindi po. Baka po sa bahay lang ako. Bakit po, Mama?"

"Well, your cousins are coming over tonight. We're having dinner," she explained, nonchalantly. The more she continued, the heavier my chest felt. "You know they're uncomfortable when you're around. I don't want to see another argument between you and your cousins, so make sure to make plans for tonight."

I felt my heart sank to the floor when she finished talking. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Pakiramdam ko ay may bumabara sa lalamunan ko. I gulped to keep whatever it was that was crawling up my throat down. My eyes started to sting, tears begging to come out but I forcefully kept them at bay. Halos dumugo na ang labi ko sa diin ng aking pagkakakagat.

Mama lifted her eyes and stared at me, blankly. Parang piniga ang puso ko sa harap ng mga matang iyon. Her irises held no warmth nor care, just indifference, as if all she could see was a thing unworthy of attention. Her gaze was colder than the breeze blowing through the windows.

"Did you hear what I just said, Serina?" she asked in a firm tone.

I wanted to shake my head. I wanted to scream at her. Gusto ko itanong kung bakit ako pa ang kailangang mawala mamayang gabi, sa halip na ang mga pinsan ko. I am her daughter. Ako dapat ang kasama niya sa ganitong mga okasyon. Ako dapat ang mas matimbang. Hindi ba't iyon naman ang normal? But none of the words passed through my lips. My fear was greater than my anger, because I know too well what Mama would have answered should I have asked.

I was not important. It was that simple.

I forced out a smile, and slid my hands deep into my pockets. My nails started digging into my palms as I slowly clenched my fists hard.

"Yes, Mama. I think... I may have promised to meet with my friends tonight," I answered, trying so hard to keep my voice from cracking.

"Anong oras?"

"Before dinner. Magbibihis lang ako pagkagaling ng school. So don't worry, I won't be bothering you."

Mama nodded, and simply said, "Good." Just like that, our conversation was over.

As soon as she dropped her gaze, I turned around and started walking out of her office. Hindi ko na magawang huminga sa loob. Pakiramdam ko ay nauubusan ako ng hangin. Napakabigat niya sa dibdib. Just a moment ago, I was happy by that thought of her opening up to me. I should have known better. I felt so stupid. In the end, I was just misunderstanding her words, believing they meant something when, in fact, they do not. Didn't I promised myself not to have expectations?

My hands immediately brushed away the tears that fell down my cheeks. Pinanood ako ng driver namin habang papasok ng sasakyan, ngunit hindi ko na siya nilingon, nahihiya na baka makita niya ang kaawa-awa kong itsura. Mabilis akong umupo sa likuran at niyakap ang bag ko. I kept my mouth closed to silence the upcoming sobs rising from my chest. Through blurry eyes, I watched the surroundings pass by the tinted windows of our car as we head towards my school. Pagkarating ay agad rin akong bumaba at naglakad papalayo.

Thankfully, no one looked my way. Walang makakapansin sa mga mata kong kakagaling lamang sa pag-iyak. Hindi ko na rin kailangan pang magpanggap na ayos lang ako, dahil wala naman akong mga kakilala. For the first time since that day, I was glad that I decided to keep my head down.

Nagmamadali ang lakad ko para makarating ng classroom. Gusto kong lunurin na lang ang sarili sa pag-aaral para mabilis kong makalimutan iyong naging pag-uusap namin ni Mama. Roon lang naman ako magaling; sa pag-aaral at sa pagtakas sa sakit. Ngunit paliko pa lamang ako papunta sa department namin ay napatigil na 'ko nang may marinig na sigaw. It came from the girl's restroom.

"H'wag!" sigaw muli na sinundan ng malakas na tawanan.

Luminga-linga ako. Pansin ko ang paglingon roon ng mga nagdadaang tao, ngunit walang nagtatangkang pumasok. It felt odd, like something was not right.

On normal circumstances, I would've ignored it. I don't like sticking my nose into somebody else's business, as much as I hate them meddling with mine. Para saan pa ang pagla-lie low ko nang ilang taon kung isisiksik ko rin ang sarili sa gulo ng iba. Kaya naman hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang sarili kung bakit ako naglakad patungo roon, kahit na alam kong hindi ko magugustuhan ang mga susunod na mangyayari.

"Siguraduhin mong nakukuhanan mo ng video, okay?" rinig kong sabi ng isang babae.

Dumungaw ako at pumasok sa loob. The moment I walked in, the three girls standing in the middle of the restroom froze, shock evident in their faces. My eyes then almost instantly went to the only person lying on the cold dirty floor. Her clothes was a mess, and her hair looked as though someone pulled it on different directions. It didn't take much to figure out what was going on.

"Anong ginagawa niyo?" I asked despite the obvious answer.

The girl in the middle—Alexis Racal, I believe—turned to me. I knew of her since she had been a hot topic since our first year in college. Paminsan-minsan, hindi sinasadyang naririnig ko siyang pinag-uusapan ng mga kaklase ko. Makailang beses na rin siyang sumugod sa classroom namin sa hindi ko alam na dahilan. I tried my best for us to not cross paths, since I know there was nothing but drama attached to her name. Yet, here I am now.

Pinagsalikop niya ang kanyang mga braso, at sinamaan ako ng tingin. "Ikaw, bakit ka nandito? Hindi mo ba narinig na may tao?"

Tumaas ang kilay ko roon. Kung titigan niya ako ay parang ako pa itong may ginawang masama.

"Narinig ko nga, kaya nga ako pumunta rito," sagot ko sabay tingin roon sa babae sa sahig.

She looked up at me, but remained on the floor, probably scared of angering Alexis even more. Ako na ang gumawa ng paraan, at naglakad papunta sa kanya. I grabbed her arm and quickly helped her up. Mabilis ang pag-apila ni Alexis.

"Hoy! Ano sa tingin mo'ng ginagawa mo?" sigaw niyang hindi ko na binigyang pansin.

Hinila ko iyong babae palabas ng banyo. Hangga't maaari ay ayaw kong gumawa ng gulo. My goal was to just get this girl away from Alexis. Hindi ako pumunta rito para kausapin iyong tatlong babae at turuan sila kung ano ang tama at mali. I'm not a saint, after all. Yes, I hate bullying, but I won't put myself in this girl's spot. If she gets bullied again, then that's her problem. I won't fix her problems for her. She needs to learn how to stand up for herself, and not let this happen for a second time. Tumulong lang talaga ako ngayon dahil ayaw kong iwan siya, ga'yong may kaya naman akong gawin.

Pagkalabas namin ng restroom ay naramdaman ko ang pagpulupot ng isang kamay sa aking braso. I winced at the pain when Alexis pulled me harshly. Nilingon ko siya at sinamaan ng tingin. Marahas kong tinapik iyong kamay niyang nakahawak sa braso ko.

"Ouch!" she groaned, exaggeratedly, almost as if I broke her wrist.

My eyebrows furrowed at her reaction. Mas masakit pa nga iyong paghatak niya sa akin!

"What the heck? H'wag ka ngang umarte na—"

Hindi ko na natuloy ang sinasabi nang may malamig na likidong dumausdos mula sa ulo ko pababa sa aking katawan. Nabitawan ko iyong babaeng hinila ko sa sobrang pagkagulat. It was so sudden that I froze on my spot, almost as if my brain buffered, unable to process what was happening for a moment. I only came back to my senses when a deep, raspy voice spoke from behind me.

In that moment, I knew my peaceful days at school had finally reached its end.