IN THE MIDST OF MY LOVE.

To witness love and to experience love, is quite different.

I played the role of a witness while my mother experienced love, one received from my father. He was simply a man in love, not with the idea of love, but with the woman who introduced him to their kind of love.

I recall the days of admiring how beautiful and easy, they made everything seem. It just felt right with them and I, a few times so, desired to be the one to experience such love. In unfortunate turn of events, tragedy decided to knock at our door. It claimed the life of my father, separating and leaving us out in the cold.

My mother seemed lost without her other half, which hurt to witness.

The desire to better relate to her pain had overwhelmed me. All I wanted was to offer more support and be a reliable source of comfort for her. The unhealthy mindset I had then, in the early days of fresh and raw pain while mourning, was strong, I admit to this.

What amazed me through it all, was the way my mother noticed how far gone I was, mentally. She had seen my desperation for an escape from my own grief, where I focused on hers and hers alone.

She called me out on this, not to hurt me, but to prevent me from drowning, when everything finally hit me all at once. When I look back to all those times I misunderstood her intentions, I do feel sorry.

Her strength has been my strength, like how mine has been hers. We've had to remind ourselves of my father's views, on certain matters, in order to not lose sense of what family is.

I look at my mother's journey to healing and I wonder where I am, in mine. These past 6 months have not brought clearance on what next move I should make. The process has been long and hard, frustrating even, especially when pain decides to hit me harder on some days and nights.

I can't remember the last time I had a decent amount of sleep. It's thoughts after thoughts and I wish, just for a moment for it all to slow down and let me breathe.

One thing that is clear, is the sense of responsibility I have towards my mother, especially after she fell gravely ill and had to be admitted to the hospital.

The knowledge that I am all she has, the only piece that links her to my father like the love she shared with him, has made me view life differently. I am more driven to do my best for her.

The are days I've found her stare at me longer than necessary, with a flash of pain passing through her eyes, which has pierced my very own heart.

The sense of responsibility towards shielding my mother, from possible hurts, has weighed on me heavily, like the burden of keeping things from her.

' I did it to protect you,' a line used too many times in movies, became the very same line, in which I have replayed in mind like a mantra, as a reminder of why I've kept silent on somethings.

The strength my mother has, is one I admire. This however, doesn't make me worry less, knowing how sensitive she can also get, with anything concerning me. I worry and extremely so.

I've been quite careful to not bring attention to things, that may make her more sensitive. It's unfortunate that some things have made me work up a sweat, to keep them hidden.

Rumours are one thing.

Our neighbourhood does not shy away from indulging in rumours, just the ones concerning one well known family, The Myers.

I knew better than to engage in rumours or talks, because I knew all too well how it felt to be the subject of hot topics within rumours. This is why I made sure to avoid them, especially phone calls that came from people who would engage in rumours.

Speaking of phonecalls, nothing could have prepared me for the one I receive now.

I hold back for a while I swear that I do, until I remember who is calling. That's when I cave in.

" Hello, Milla." He's the first to break the silence.

" Hi Neil."

It's one of the Myers.

" It's been a while." He's being too nice, it's been too long.

'And maybe I'm at fault,' I think to myself.

'A Myer is a Myer, remember?' That's what I said back then.

" Yes, it's been.....a while. I'm surprised you called."

That doesn't sound right, he tried to keep in contact but I-----

" Why did you.....?" I trail off, leaving the rest to hang in the air.

" Honestly when I heard, I thought of you."

" Heard what?"

He sighs," You don't know." I almost miss what he says because of how low his voice has gone down.

" Tell me," I press, driven by curiosity.

Ignoring rumours is the last thing on my mind right now.

" William is coming back."

'William is what now?'

' No, this could mess up everything.'

" Milla, are you there?" His voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

" Uh- yeah."

Pull yourself together, Milla!

"Maybe it would have been better if you heard it from someone else."

" N-no, thank you for telling me. It's better to know now than later, right?" I quickly say.

" Hmm."

" Oh, uh, your family must be thrilled?"

I sound unsure and that's on how conflicted I truly am about this.

" Can I say something?"

Please let it be about something entirely different.

'His cousin is the reason he called, remember?' My concious reminds me, shutting down all hope.

" Yeah, sure."

" He might want to see you, no, he will."

"You sound so sure."

" I am. I mean, I know that if I were ever in his shoes, I would."

He's speaking as if he knows.

No, what if - No, he couldn't possibly know.

" Milla----"

"Neil, sorry, but I have to go."

That's it, this conversation needs to end.

" Oh yeah, right, it's late."

No, had the topic been different, may be then, we would have spoken longer.

" Thank you for thinking about me." I close my eyes for a moment, filled with regret for my slip of tongue.

I sound like I've been expecting him to think about me all this time.

" I mean- I -----"

" I know what you meant."

Does he, really?

" One last thing," he says.

" Hmm?"

" This won't be the last time I make contact. I did miss a friend." He says before he hangs up

I let out a sigh as I finally digest the information I've just received.

So it is true, he really is coming back.

******

Sitting in my balcony on my mini bench, as I sip on my tea, I've done my hardest to ignore a call. It's the same I hoped to not receive but still I do.

Despite the cellphone being under vibrate mode, nothing has helped in silencing my mind from overthinking.

It comes back to me now, all I did.

My hands were tied then and decisions had to be made, the same that choked all the air out of me.

'I did all I had to do. There was no way out then.'

Two months ago, I was in a different state of mind.

I was helpless.

' No, some things are better left unsaid.' I try to convince myself.

' Ha, who am I kidding? I've lied and nothing is worse than that.' My guilt takes a turn against me, making me feel even worse.

I close my eyes and take a moment to silence all concerning thoughts. For a while, calmness seeps its way through my body, when light thoughts invade my mind.

I start to relax and I feel a my lips lift into a smile. Unfortunately a knock on my bedroom door interrupts all that.

A message notification zaps through my phone, capturing my attention as I rise to my feet.

"Coming!" I announce on my way to answer the door, taking my phone along with me.

The balcony has a story of its own, which my mother is quite sensitive about. Long story short, but during the early stages of mourning when I wasn't entirely myself, my feet had once stepped on the edge. Pain had driven me to it, unfortunately my mother became a witness to it and because of that, she's never felt the same about seeing me there like she used to.

I am very sure that witnessing a loved one go through that, was painful.

" You forgot your laundry again, Milla," mum scolds me the moment she enters my room.

I don't mind actually, in fact, I appreciate it.

It's the kind of distraction I need.

' Hi, it's me......

I want to call you, please answer this time.

W.'

I didn't answer, I wouldn't answer because I didn't want to, but my heart already did.

' I don't want to, you're coming back. Therefore you've broken your promise to me.'