Chapter 8

Miles

I parked the car not far from Alison’s house, I used to do this, I don’t know why I did it, maybe not to be seen, even if I was sure that everyone knew how often I visited her even at night.

I turned off the engine and went out quickly, then locked the car. I went to the house and found the access gate pulled up, sure Ali had left it for me, so I went in and closed it, trying to make noise so that he knew someone was there.

Alison didn’t like surprises, I knew that very well when I tried to give her one and she told me she didn’t like them. So I warned her I’d take her out to dinner, and she was ready, no ifs and buts.

That’s why I didn’t understand people who said she was a hard and stubborn girl, cold and apathetic, with me she wasn’t. Or was that what I wanted to see? No, it wasn’t.

She was just different to me, to me she was my Alison. The girl I was in love with since I was a child, my first woman, the love of my life, as I was for her, even though it was hard for her to admit it.

I went to the back door, the one with the sliding window that overlooked the garden with the pool that I knew was open and indeed it was so.

I walked into the house and took off my shoes, and then I picked them up and took them to the front door, where I left them before heading down the stairs. At a quick and sure pace, I went to the upper floor, I knew that house like the back of my hand.

My fathers were very friendly with Alison’s parents, we spent a lot of time together as children, many birthday parties, and many birthdays, it was as if we were created to love each other as if fate wanted to put us together at any cost.

I walked over to Alison’s room and knocked, before turning the handle and opening it. The room was dark and my eyes took some getting used to, but he could recognize Alison immediately.

She was lying on the bed, next to me, with her back to the door I was closing behind me, her hands were under the pillow and her black hair was scattered everywhere. 

Alison didn’t move, even though she heard me enter the room, I knew she was awake. I sighed and approached the bed and then sat down, waiting for it to kick me out, which it did not, on the contrary. Alison didn’t say a word, she let me do it, and at that point, I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t used to that.

"Can you hug me?" she suddenly asked with a thread in her voice.

I froze for a moment, "Sure," I said then when I recovered.

I approached her and I lay down behind her, carefully slipped one arm under her head and with the other surrounded her hips, pulling her to me, so that her back could be attached to my chest, so that he could hear the heartbeats of my heart that suddenly began to stir.

We stayed like this for a while, Alison snuggled as best she could in my arms, resting her arm on mine which was resting on her hips. My heart almost burst in my chest.

"Do you think I’m cold?" Ali suddenly asked.

"Why?" I asked.

Alison moved and turned so that we were face to face, her blue eyes were full of sadness and slightly reddened, while her eyelashes were wet, a sign that she had cried before I arrived.

"Answer me," she said, her head resting on my arm and curling up against me.

"I think you’ve created a shell around you to protect yourself from those who want to hurt you, but I know there’s a lot of emotion inside you," I said confidently as I watched her

"How can you be so sure?" 

"Because I see her every time we’re together"

"We’re only together to fuck Miles," she said.

I shook my head to snort, "Now you didn’t call me to get laid, or did you?" I asked while she frowned.

Alison sighed and shook her head.

"So what? I’m the person you spend the most time with, I know what I say," I said confidently again.

I saw Alison’s lower lip tremble before she looked down and started fiddling with the buttons on my shirt.

"What’s going on, Ali?" I asked worried, she didn’t usually behave like that.

"I can’t believe you," she admitted after a while.

"Why?"

"Because you’re the only one who says it, everyone says that I’m cold, that I don’t care about anything and nobody," Alison pulled up with her nose and I stuck my hand in her hair, took a bunch of it and pulled it out, making sure to move his head and make our eyes meet.

"Who told you that?"

"Axel" she admitted "because I didn’t worry that Alexa fell and fractured her arm, Mom was so worried, but I don’t understand, what was there to worry about if she was in the hospital being watched on sight by at least five doctors? Fuck mom is a doctor!" she said, letting off steam.

I almost laughed at her tone, complained like children did, and I was happy, because it was one of the rare times Alison showed her feelings, and she could only do it with me.

"When did he tell you all this?"

"Earlier, Mom called him while she was out with Megan. Axel immediately called me and got pissed when I had no reaction. But what reaction should I have had when Mom called when they had already solved?" she said again.

Alison surrounded my pelvis with an arm and put her head on my chest as she continued to speak, slowly her voice returned to normal and her body relaxed and I could not help but be happy that I was the one to do this.

"Maybe sometimes you act a little cold," I admitted after a while.

Alison sighed, "I don’t know how not to be. It’s not my fault, I can’t do something I can’t do."

"Sometimes you should worry a little more about others and less about yourself, in small steps, you don’t have to do it too much and immediately, but slowly begin. You have locked yourself too much in yourself and in what is your bubble and sometimes you do not let anything and nobody go through, despite the others try and when others are sick you do not prove anything. I know you locked yourself in to protect yourself from some kind of pain, but this way you shut the others out" I said in one breath for fear that it would interrupt me.

Alison moved, almost lying on top of me, raised her head and put her chin on her crossed hands on my chest, then looked straight into my eyes, serious on her face.

"I won’t let you in either?" he asked innocently.

"Sometimes you let me in, sometimes you don’t, it depends on your mood," I admitted, since we were in the mood for confessions, it was better to take advantage of it.

"What mood am I in now?" 

"Very open to dialogue," I said nodding.

Ali laughed slightly and hung her head from side to side, snuggling even more on me. I sighed satisfied and carried an arm behind my head as I put my free hand in her hair, caressing her silky black locks.

"Why do you keep wasting time on me?" Ali suddenly asked.

I blocked my movements and looked down at her, "Because I love you" I admitted, as I always did.

I felt her body suddenly stiffen, something passed in her eyes, sweetness before she moved her head and rested it again on my chest, breathing deeply.

"I don’t know what you see in me, there’s nothing to love," she said so gently that it almost sounded like an invisible whisper.

"Just you," I said.

Alison sighed again and hugged me, sticking one leg between mine, so they would get tangled.

"Sleep with me," she said, and I nodded, letting the warmth of her body against mine relax my every sense.

It wasn’t long before oblivion completely captured me, in the hope that tomorrow morning it wouldn’t kick me out.

***********

Axel

I parked in front of Megan’s house and turned off the engine, I was sorry, I admit, I did not like to interrupt an evening that until then had been very fun and quiet. Megan could drag me into her bubble and make me completely forget everything else.

That was until my mom called and told me that Alexa had fallen and gotten hurt. Suddenly I found myself in a bubble of chaos and I could do nothing but focus my whole being on what my little sister might be feeling. The anxiety struck me.

The anxiety of not knowing where my loved ones were, the anxiety of losing them at any moment, the anxiety of not being able to sleep knowing that they would not be in the next room.

I rushed to call my brother, my father, my aunt, my uncle, my grandparents, and finally my sister Alison with whom I had had a very heated discussion that had forced me to get up and leave the restaurant momentarily, leaving Megan alone.

I was sorry and very sorry, but I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t relax without knowing exactly where everyone was and what they were doing.

After hanging up with Alison I could not stay calm and I had to interrupt the evening, I could not avoid the look of disappointment of Megan but I did not want to carry on that tragedy.

I turned to look at her as she looked at the entrance of her palace. I reached out my hand and grabbed his, drawing his attention. Megan’s eyes rested on our joined hands and then lifted towards mine, her green eyes were sad and I felt shit knowing that I was the architect of that sadness.

"I’m sorry I ruined the evening, but I can’t help it," I admitted in all honesty.

One thing Dad taught me from an early age was to be honest with women, always and in any case, even if the truth might hurt someone, you had to be honest. Always.

Megan sighed and shook her head, pulling her hand out of mine, before reaching out to open the door.

"It’s okay, I know how important it is for you to be in control," she said.

"I didn’t want to ruin the evening," I said again.

"Then think about not doing it next time," she opened the door and went out before leaning over and looking inside "You owe me a night, Dare" she said winking and then closing the door.

I sighed and waited until she was inside the building. Once he closed the door, she waved at me and went to the elevators, and I set in motion and dialed Dad’s number. I needed to talk to him, I needed him to calm the mess that was going on inside of me before I had a full-fledged seizure.

He was the only one who could calm me down, he was the only one who could always find the right words at all times.

Dad’s cell phone rang endlessly but he didn’t answer. The anxiety began to cloud my eyes again, I could not even see the road anymore, the light became blurred dots as my heart beat so hard that I could hear the beats in my ears. 

I drove without knowing where I was going until I found myself with the car parked in front of his house. Emma.

I began to breathe hard and I undid the belt and then put my forehead on the steering. I needed her, I needed her to reassure me, she was the only one besides Dad who had that power over me.

I dialed her number and let the sound of the rings fill the car, trying to overcome the frantic beat of my heart.

Emma did not answer. I called again, and again and again. At the fourth time, she finally answered.

"Axel" her melodious voice rang throughout the car.

I breathed deeply, feeling my body relaxing already, closed my eyes, and didn’t say a word.

"Where are you?" she immediately asked, as if she had already realized that there was something wrong with me.

"In front of your house," I said with clenched teeth.

She didn’t answer, but rather attacked. Please don’t leave me alone. I said to myself with suffering.

I squeezed my hands around the steering, so much so that my knuckles turned white. It was exactly fifty-eight seconds before the passenger door opened. 

I didn’t move at all and heard her sitting next to me before closing the door. I didn’t move at all as her perfume filled the cockpit and my senses began to relax.

I felt a hand resting on my shoulder and then moving, then relaxing my whole body against her fingers that slid into my hair.

I breathed deeply, trying to slow the beat of my heart and relax my tense body.

"Everyone is fine, it was just an accident," Emma said softly, "Nothing happened, the children happen to fall and get hurt," she continued.

"I can’t help but think that if they had been home it wouldn’t have happened, not under my control," I said with clenched teeth and still tightening the steering.

Emma changed her position and approached slightly, placing her other hand on my back.

"Or it would have happened anyway. You can’t control everything, Ax" she said.

"I can try it"

"You have to leave control to others, you have to leave control and that’s it. Everyone’s fine, Alexa’s eating her ice cream, and your parents are staying home with Adam. It’s all right, leave control, you can’t be anywhere and with everyone. You can’t know where everyone will be and what they will be doing".

I sighed and turned my head to meet his green eyes. Emma had one knee on her seat and she was sitting on it as she leaned toward me. She was wearing pink unicorn pajamas.

"I had a fight with Ali," I admitted.

I had been a real jerk to her, I had hurt her, I had sensed it from the tone of her voice, I wanted to call her to tell her I was sorry, but I couldn’t because I knew that with that outburst she had holed up at home, I knew she was in her room safe.

"What did you say to her?" asked Emma frowning.

"Not nice things, I’m an asshole," I admitted.

Emma laughed softly "Yes you are sometimes, but you are also the protective brother who wants everyone to be fine but who must accept the fact that he cannot have control over everything"

"It is difficult"

"It’s harder to do what you do," Emma said, "What did you do as soon as you heard about Alexa?"

I clenched my jaw, and caught, "I called everyone" I admitted.

"Who answered your calls?" 

"Grandparents and Alison"

"And what did you do before you came here?"

"I called my dad."

"And what were you going to do next?"

I squeezed my jaw again, looking her in the eye as Emma crossed her arms across her chest "Recall all of them" I admitted.

I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I would do it anyway because that’s how it worked with me, I needed to do it, I needed to keep control.

"Give me the phone," Emma said, sitting down and reaching out.

I looked at her and then I looked at her hand, for more than once "Emma..." I began.

"No Emma, now give me the phone and don’t call anyone until tomorrow morning," she said seriously.

"You know I can’t sleep."

"The phone, Axel," she said adamantly.

I clenched my teeth and stretched her phone. She picked it up and stuck it on the top of her shirt. I looked at her, terrified.

"Now turn off the car and get out," she ordered me like a little boss.

I couldn’t help but obey and get out of the car, following her like a puppy dog. Emma walked into the house and immediately went upstairs, pointed to Liam’s room, who was probably going to sleep outside and waved her hand off before slipping into her room.

I sighed and went to Liam’s room, got undressed, and put on a pair of his shorts before I jumped on the bed.

I tried to fall asleep for what had been an hour, I turned and you turned in bed, but the sleep did not come, I could not sleep knowing that I did not know where they were all. I sighed and got up.

Surely Emma had fallen asleep and I would have had the opportunity to take away her phone and call everyone before I put it back and go back to sleep.

I went to her room in silence and opened the door, before closing it silently. I turned and froze when my eyes fell on the figure in the middle of the bed.

"Are you looking for this?" Emma said, lifting my phone.

I sighed and looked at her begging "Please"

"No"

"I can’t sleep," I said in pain.

Emma sighed and pounded next to her before lying on the bed. With a frustrated sigh, I approached the bed and lay down next to her, crossed my arms to my chest, and looked at the ceiling.

"Are you aware that I will take your phone off as soon as you fall asleep?" I asked her.

"Do you want to know about the trip?" she said instead.

I sighed and nodded, letting him start talking. I let her scent invade my nostrils as she spoke as much as I could, her melodious voice relaxed my limbs as my body gave up, my eyelids became heavy and it didn’t take long before the darkness completely enveloped me.