Chapter 34

Max's POV

I stare into the fire until my eyes burn and grab another beer, the glass cold against my fingers. Foam spills over my tongue, bitter and sharp, and I drain it even though it sits heavy in my gut like a stone. My hand shakes when I reach for the next bottle, the taste already sour and metallic, burning its way down my throat, but I keep going because stopping means thinking. Time stretches, filled with pointless chatter and the clink of bottles, until a car engine growls away down the road. Luna Alison comes out from the kitchen, her face tight, but then she beams at her husband and everyone drifts back into their conversations as if nothing’s wrong. The girls giggle and huddle closer together, their laughter rising above the crackle of the flames.

I can’t relax. Where the fuck is Xander? Is he okay, or just breaking apart somewhere I can’t, see? Every part of me wants to get up and go after him, but I stay rooted to the chair, because if he sees me, I’ll see the look in his eyes and I can’t survive that, not after Sebastian, not after everything.

So, I look at Zahra instead. She looks happy on the surface, laughing with her friends, firelight catching in her hair, but it feels like a knife sliding between my ribs. I saw the tears earlier when Sienna and Abby arrived, and it gutted me. She’s been lonely, anyone with half a brain can tell. The chat’s been blowing up all day with anger about her boyfriend, Henry’s suspicions circling like vultures, and we don’t even have the details yet. But I see it in her posture: the way she holds her head high and her shoulders straight, but doesn’t laugh as easily, doesn’t join in with the same spark, flinches when someone moves too suddenly near her. Somebody’s been hurting her, and the thought makes me want to rip the world apart with my bare hands.

My mood tanks further, and I chug my beer before reaching for another. My stomach twists, but I keep drinking. When I glance up, Zahra’s eyes catch mine across the fire, those bright blue orbs flickering with firelight. She raises an eyebrow and I manage a small, crooked smile. She tips her chin toward the lake, a silent invitation.

I rise, unnoticed, and walk away from the circle of light into the dark garden. Pebbles crunch beneath my boots, the moon riding high over the mountains, the lake spread black and slick like glass. A few minutes later Zahra slips out of the shadows. “Hey,” she says, and I jolt, making her laugh, light and sharp, and it hurts in a way I don’t want to stop.

“Fuck, Zahra. You’re a damn ninja,” I mutter, and she giggles, shrugging.

“Something like that.” She heads off along the edge of the lake toward the training centre and I fall into step beside her. Just being near her steadies me, and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can breathe.

“How are you doing, Max?” she asks quietly, her voice careful but genuine.

My heart thuds painfully. How the hell am I supposed to answer that? “Honestly?”

“Yes. Tell me.”

I sigh, loud in the night air. “Shit.” It’s all I’ve got.

We walk in silence until she climbs up onto a boulder, and I follow, settling beside her with my legs dangling over the lake. From here the world feels far away, as if it’s only the two of us.

“What happened with you and Xander?” she asks, her voice low but steady. “When I left, you were together. Now you can barely look at him.”

Heat creeps up my face. I want to dodge it, drown it with another beer, anything but this, but Zahra never lets me off easy.

“We were,” I manage. “Then the attack happened. And I… I—” My throat closes. I can’t finish, I can't tell Zahra my biggest shame!

“Tell me,” She presses, her eyes locked on mine.

Medus snorts with contempt. 'Just say it. Stop being a coward, you need to talk about it.'

“When the rogues attacked us, Xander and I were together…” I clear my throat, and feel my face heat again. “In my room. We ran outside and jumped straight into the fight.” My mind replays the events of that terrible day, the same way it has a thousand times before. “Xander and I joined up with the others and we fought our way through the rogues. But instead of following my training, I stayed with Xander, Zach, and the others. I left Seb with only Ralph and Noah.” My stomach clenches at the memory. “I’d been training all summer with the guys. Greg had us working as a team for months. It felt right, natural, and I didn’t think.” The guilt claws its way up my throat again. “But Seb and the others weren’t as strong as us. They needed me. Seb needed me. When Luna Anne and Rebecca were killed, I was on the other side of the garden from Seb. I should have been by his side. I should have been there to help him contain Sphynx. When the mate bond snapped, he went feral, launched into dangerous attacks. I tried to reach him, I really did, but I was too late. If I had just been by his side, then…” I trail off, the words breaking.

He would have survived the loss of his mate. He was young, strong, and they had only been mated a couple of days. Their bond was still fresh. It wouldn’t have destroyed him like it destroyed his dad.

“I chose to stay close to Xander. My feelings for him drove me to fight at his side, instead of where I was meant to be. And my Alpha died as a result.”

There’s silence as Zahra absorbs everything, I’m telling her.

“And you feel guilty for not protecting Seb?” she says quietly, and all I can do is nod.

“Not that anyone was to blame, because it sounds like it was a brutal fight, but surely the bigger portion of blame should be with Noah? He wasn’t with his future Luna. From everything I’ve heard about what went down, neither Noah nor George were with their Lunas as they should have been. The Luna is the heart of the pack. Protecting them protects the Alpha. That’s basic warrior 101.” She pauses. “If they had done their jobs properly, Seb would never have gone feral in the first place.”

I still. I’ve never considered that before. Where were they? Why weren’t they with the Lunas? Noah fought with Seb and Ralph, but Zahra is right, he should have been with Rebecca. Shit. How have I not seen this before?

“Where you were or weren’t isn’t the biggest security issue here,” she continues. “But even if you had been by his side, the chances are he was still at risk. After losing his mate, all rationality would have gone. He was a liability. If you had been by his side, you would have been at risk yourself.” She turns to face me, crossing her legs.

“Either way, it’s an impossible scenario,” she says softly. “One you need to forgive yourself for. It’s been years, Max. Time to move on.”