Mas Duda (Indonesia)

THALIA

The moment is perfect.

No, correction—it was supposed to be perfect but it's not. I'm losing my sanity, the last bit of it that's left after my mate openly admitted to cheating on me because I never can be good enough for him or the ideal expectations of his pack. All the pain I've felt over the last couple of years was to be erased by today but instead it piled up into one and hit me in a gaint wave. It's simply not fair, today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, the day I was to meet the perfect little gift the moon goddess sent me but it's turned into nothing but a tormenting stillness.

My gaze shifts from the bright pink walls of the hospital room to where my best friend stands, her back to me while she talks on the phone. Even there I can see the same color wall taunting me, its the exact shade of my daughters nursery. I push myself off the bed and walk towards Mariella, her whispers now loud enough for me to hear. “No, please come and see her. Thalia can't lose you both today, please.” she whispers, sniffling.

“He doesn't want to see me?” I ask, startling Mariella.

Marielle hastly pockets her phone, shaking her head. “Of course he wants to see you but he's hurting right now and-”

“What about me Ella? I'm hurting too, this is my daughter we're talking about. I carried that little girl for months, I watched her grow inside me everyday, I felt her moving and when it was time to meet her she was dead? How do you think I feel about all this?”

“I know you loved her.” Mariella frowns, guiding me back to the bed I've been confined to for hours now. “I'm hurt too Thalia, and it's killing me to know that I can't take away your pain. Darling, I would give anything to erase this feeling but I can't.” she cries, shaking her head.

I wish I could cry too, but I know crying would mean I accept this horrid dream and I have hope I'll still wake up to my baby kicking in my tummy.

“Mariella, no.” I try to wipe her tears, she’s been crying since she told me my daughter died inside me. “I'm fine, see? I'm not hurting.”

“That's because you haven't seen her Thalia, you haven't seen her little body, she’s so blue and frail. You'll break if you see her like that, I don't know what I'll do if I end up losing you like we've lost my niece.” Mariella sobs, her tears heavier now.

My head instantly shakes, “I can't see her like that.”

“I'm sorry Thalia, you did everything you could but some things are out of your control.”

But she's wrong, I didn't do everything I could have. When I was held captive in that dark cell I was given the opportunity to call my baby's father and he would have come for us with an army but I wanted to prove I didn't need his protection. I wanted to prove I was strong, and in the process I ended my daughters life before it begun, this is all my fault. Baby Arabella doesn't deserve to have her killer holding her, or so much as burying her. I wouldn't want my child's killer anywhere near her so I won't be, I'll let her go with the peace she couldn't come into this world with. I hate myself, and I hope she never forgives me for not putting her first.

With every tear Mariella sheds on my shoulder, I wish she would have been Arabella's mother because then my darling angel would have been alive today. “Please cry, Thalia please. I want to let you grieve at your own pace but I can't, this is unhealthy.”

Is it? Maybe, but I've tried to cry. An hour ago I slit my wrists hoping to join my daughter or at least feel some sort of pain but nothing came from it. I'm numb, numb yet my soul aches and weeps for my daughter.

Mariella shakes me, my body waned. “Thalia please, cry!”

“I can't!” I snap back at her. “I can't cry Ella, I've tried so hard to cry but my daughter deserves better than to have her killer mourn her death. That little girl deserves better she needed a better mother, one that could keep her alive not me, she doesn't deserve me.”

“She's your daughter of course you can cry, please.”

The door swings open, the bang when it hits the other end startles Mariella but not me. Knox, my mate and daughter's father stands there.

I haven't seen Knox for two weeks, the last time I saw him was when we had a fight and I left him. Hurtful words were said, mostly by me and I highly regret them even though it's no use having regrets now.

Knox steps further into the room, watching me with revulsion and I know why. “What use it begging her to cry over my daughter when she didn't want my child in the first place?”

His child, not our child but his. Knox doted on me from the moment he found out I was pregnant with her and now that she's dead, he doesn't want to see my face. Even he knows it's my fault Arabella died, I couldn't give her life or protect her.

“Knox.” Mariella shifts, standing between him and I. I watch her her steady hand on his rising chest. “Not now, Thalia is not in her right mind she’s still shocked by what’s going on.”

“Of course she isn't, look at her! What idiot puts themselves at risk while pregnant and refuses to seek help? She did this to our daughter, and that too with no remorse. Look at her, silently waiting for the moment the rest of my world crumbles at her pleasure.” He snarls, his voice rising with each word. “Tell me Thalia, was it worth it? Was making my daughter fight for her life worth getting revenge on me?” he asks, trying to reach for me but Mariella stops him.

All self control, all that bitterness I've felt washes over me and I finally snap, pushing Mariella out of the way. “What?!” I snap at Knox. “What do you want me to say? That I don't care about our baby? That she's better off dead because then I don't have to deal with you and whatever slut you put in your bed? That I wish you would die along with her? Because I do, this might be my fault but you pushed me here so don't act so innocent and paint me out to be the bad guy because I'm not. I carried your daughter, I wanted nothing more than to hold that little girl in my arms but I can't.” I breathe, a tear finally leaving my eyes.

“Thalia.” Mariella warns, watching the wreck I caused, the pit of bitterness I'm drowning my mate and I in.

“I don't want you to be the bad guy, I want to believe that you love her even just a little bit.”

“How?” I cry out, unsure of what it is that I can do to prove I loved—love my daughter.

He takes my hand in his, “Come and see her.” he offers, but I drop my hand instantly.

“Knox you can't force..” Mariella's panicked voice fades out with Knox's growl of disapproval which is enough to silence us both.

Knox's hand wraps around my wrist, tugging me with him but I protest. “Please Thalia, come and see your daughter and hold her just once. After that, you can do as you desire but see her.”

“I can't look at her, I don't want to see her.” I shake my head, already picturing her blue and cold. I've imagined my daughter so many times and she was alive, I want to keep her alive in my memories even though I couldn't in existence.

“Why?” Knox snaps, “Are you so bitter that you're willing to let our daughter-”

“Stop.” Mariella comes between us, putting some distance between us. “Don't fight, you two love each other.”

My body turns cold at the memories of every hurtful word Knox has ever said to me, all the years he spent bullying me before pretending to love me just so he could sleep with me. “I don't love him, I hate him nearly as much as I do myself right now.”

Mariella cries, her pain reminding me how many hearts I've broken by failing my daughter. “No, do you really think this is the right time to fight?”

“I don't want to fight her, I don't care if she leaves me or kills me I just want her to see my daughter once, the doctor...”

“Thalia.” Mariella interrupts, “Go and see her. See your daughter even if it's the last time please go and hold that little girl.”