Alex~
“Miss, miss. I think you drop your purse.” I grimace under my hoodie but turn around to acknowledge the lady who speaks. She is short, just as short as I am, and has kind eyes — eyes that don’t quite work well enough to tell that I’m a guy. “Er, it’s a man bag. Not a purse.” Her recoil is devastating and satisfactory. I bend to pick up my now torn bag and check the hook that attaches it to my messenger bag — and find it broken. “Great, just everything works out as planned.” I groan, resuming my walk. The day is an absolute mess. First, I have a hard time locating my new apartment, the one I am lucky enough to find over the holidays after weeks of relentless searching. The guy who is to be my new roommate can’t give good enough directions to help me out, so with two bags too big for my lanky frame, I labor under the scorch of the sun to find the apartment. Thank heavens for small mercies. He isn’t around when I arrive, so his first impression of me isn’t a thin wimp who looks like a drenched goat. Taking advantage of his absence, I put myself in order. Pretty easy task since he already cleans up the house to the teeth. He is super neat, and the place smells great — that’s amazing since it means keeping a clean house won’t cause problems. I step out for lunch because I haven’t gotten groceries and plan on grocery shopping with my girlfriend Tracey when the weekend comes around. And now, my favorite bag just eats some dust. The surroundings of my new apartment are serene, away from all the noise of the city and pretty close to school. Christ knows I could do without the endless treks every school morning. I get back to my apartment and decide to take a nap on the couch, dressed up and all. I fall asleep hoping I will be up in time to welcome my new roommate and rank how smart he is by a simple conversation. I wake up to someone stroking me — minimal pressure but great pleasure. My hips, of their own accord, rise up to match the strokes before I remember myself. “You’re so eager one would think I haven’t been satisfying all your needs,” a baritone voice calls out huskily, waking me up completely from my slumber. The living room is dark with the only source of light the half-open window blinds — and there is a man stroking my cock. I have never been faster in my life to get off the couch. “What the fuck?” I yell, moving out of reach in search of my phone. Where is my fucking phone? I yell internally, rummaging through my bag on the center table. “Hey Leo, chill.” The voice speaks and every fiber of my body does everything but chill. The stops on their ends, pulsating, vibrating… “I’m not fucking Leo, I’m your roommate.” The light flicks on to reveal my roommate in all his glory. Buff with veined arms and a left arm filled with a tattoo sleeve, in a singlet and basketball shorts that have rent where his legs meet. A result of him strolling another man’s cock. Mine twitches in response to my thoughts. “Hey man, I’m so sorry. Didn’t realize you were the one. I thought you were Leo, my off and on fuck bud who has a spare key.” He says calmly, like he is trying to get an angry bull to realize he is making sense. “Apparently, or you would not have stroked me. Dude, I have a girlfriend…” I deadpan, irritation flowing through my entire being. “…and I’m straight.” I feel the need to clarify, just in case he and Leo are over and he decides I will be the next best thing to move on to. I don’t do men, I am into girls and I just land my first girlfriend and I am not about to screw that up. A laugh escapes his lips as he lifts both his hands in surrender. “Never said you weren’t. I’m bi myself, love asses in both sexes to be precise.” At his words, I color, embarrassingly so since I am supposed to show him that I am every bit of a man just like he is. I walk closer ignoring how frequently his eyes flicker to my zipper and stretch out a palm to my roommate. “I’m Alex.” Once again, I feel myself flush. My name is as feminine as any female’s name, and that is not good for me. “Hey Alex. I’m Seth.” He takes my palm and gives me a rough jerk that brings my knees to the couch. Something shines in his eyes and I block out my thoughts from trying to process it. Seth and I won’t last the semester — and without a fight or two, I can tell. “Never do that again,” I warn. “Why not?” He is exasperating. “Look bro,” I say ignoring his shot-up brows. “My girl’s coming over this evening to see the place and everything. I know you say you swing both ways, I would really appreciate if you turn down the charm a notch or two okay?” I say getting off the couch and setting myself right. He watches me intently, making me suddenly self-aware. “Why? You think I’m hot?” He asks bending to retrieve something from the floor. I immediately avert my eyes. “No. I mean, yeah, you’re attractive, like… dude you’re hot. You know it.” He suddenly stands with a basketball in hand and tosses it to me. I catch it, nearly missing it, and toss it back with all my strength and he catches it like it’s paper. I sigh. “I think you’re hot yourself. I totally want to stroke your cock again.” I cringe outwardly at his words. “Stop that dude, I’m not…” “Gay, I know. Calm down, I’m just teasing your balls.” My stupid mind mentally recalls his hands over me and I internally crumble. “Thanks,” I say in a small voice, immediately turning away and walking toward my room. My room which I unfortunately share with him. My girlfriend Tracey comes over that evening. I’m the only one in the living room so I go to welcome her while Seth prepares dinner. It’s his ‘I apologize for being myself’ meal, as he calls it. “Hey babeee,” Tracey greets cheerfully as I open the door to her smiling face, jeans low on her hips, Henley clinging to her figure. “Hey you,” I say. She chirps unintelligibly and jumps into my arms, planting a kiss on my smiling lips. “Get a fucking bedroom you guys,” Seth says from the background. Didn’t I beg this man? “Oh my God, is that Seth?” Tracey says, pulling away. She moves past me like I’m invisible, heading straight for him. I stiffen. I don’t ask how she knows him. I just pray she isn’t one of the notches on his bedpost.Alex~The locker room goes quiet the second Seth steps in.Not silent, quiet, because the showers still run in the background and the sound of wet feet slaps the tiles still happen but no one talks anymore.Suddenly I catch myself understanding his earlier question. Seth however doesn’t act like any of this has affected him and continues his walk into the room like he hasn’t been missing from the space for weeksHis duffel slides off his shoulder and lands on the bench with a soft thud but doesn’t look around. He doesn’t need to to knowing that they’re all watching.I hang back at the door and watch the scene unfold, leaning against the frame. Nobody’s paying me any mind as they’re all focused on him. Seth pulls off his hoodie, folds it and sets it on top of his bag. His movements are steady, deliberate, but I can see the tension in his shoulders, the way his hands don’t quite relax but they don’t shake. I don’t want to be in his shoes right now.A couple guys glance at each other. N
Alex~Seth’s not himself.He wants me to believe it’s just another day, but the truth bleeds out in the smallest ways. He keeps retying his sneakers until the laces look like they’re about to snap in two, he cracks his knuckles then clenches his hands like he’s trying to force them still, his jaw keeps ticking while he is struggling to keep up his mask of indifference.I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, pretending to scroll through my phone, but my eyes keep drifting to him. He paces once across the room, stops at the door like he’s ready to leave, then doubles back and drops onto the mattress beside me, head tipped back, eyes shut like he needs to reset himself.“You don’t have to go in looking like you’re about to be executed,” I say softly.He cracks one eye open at me, expression somewhere between tired and amused. “That obvious?”I don’t answer, because yeah, it is.Today’s the day his suspension is over and he’s supposed to walk back into the gym and act like he belongs there,
Alex~I wake up slowly, with the blaring of my alarm clock and without the usual guilt that accompanies me from time to time. My body feels heavy in the sheets and anchored by a weight and warmth that isn’t mine. For a second I think I’m dreaming because there’s no way Seth’s leg is still draped across my hip, no way his breath is this steady against the side of my neck. But then he shifts and his thigh presses closer, and the dream gives way to undeniable reality.I keep my eyes closed for a little while longer than I should trying to hold the moment in the dark and make it last before light ruins it.I pray to whatever deity hovering around that after this time, we don’t go through another shitstorm. All my days after the best sex of my life turns into a whole week of going ten steps backwards after taking just one forward.When my eyes peel open, I can feel that today is different.My voice comes out quiet, almost swallowed by the sheets.“Hopefully we get a full week of good new
Seth~I can’t sit still.I’ve been pacing the same strip of floor for twenty minutes, back and forth, like if I stop moving my chest will cave in. My heart won’t slow down. My hands keep finding each other, wringing, then dropping, then tugging through my hair.The livestream ended an hour ago, but the words are still echoing inside me. Alex on that panel, sitting there with Jordan, his voice steady even when his hands shook. The way he talked about hiding, kissing boys in secret and about shame and refusing to apologize for his heart.And then the question. Are you in love?He didn’t hesitate long. Just enough for me to hold my breath until it hurt. Then he said it, the words I didn’t let myself dream about.“Yeah. I think I am.”I swear the air left my body all at once and my knees almost gave out. I whispered me too to the empty room, because that’s all I could do, because if he’d been standing in front of me I think I would have grabbed him and never let go.Now he’s about to w
Seth I get an invite but I don’t go.Not because I don’t want to see him, not because I don’t care, but because the thought of walking into that room and sitting among strangers while Alex answers questions about himself makes my chest feel too tight. He needs space. He deserves it and maybe I’m just a coward who doesn’t want the camera to catch my face and read me before I’m ready.So I stay in the dorm. Hoodie over my head, curtains pulled against the afternoon light, my laptop balanced on my knees. The livestream opens, some university media team streaming the whole thing for students who couldn’t make it. The title card flashes‘Queer Youth in Today’s World: First Panel Discussion’ and then the feed cuts to the stage.Alex walks in beside Jordan, and I forget how to breathe for a second. He’s in his button-up that he wears when he wants to look responsible, sleeves rolled up like he got annoyed halfway through dressing and stopped trying. His hair’s a little messy, like he didn
Alex~The morning of the first panel meeting feels heavier than most, like I’ve been walking toward it for weeks without realizing. The email reminder has been sitting in my inbox I must’ve checked the time on my phone a dozen times before my alarm even went off.Jordan’s supposed to come by so we can head over together. Just thinking about sitting on that stage, in front of strangers who’ll be waiting for us to bleed honesty into microphones, makes my stomach twist. Underneath though, there’s a flicker of something else beneath the nerves, like an anticipation. A chance to say things out loud that I’ve only ever whispered in dark rooms.Jordan shows up at my door in his usual way, he knocks loudly without patience. I’m halfway through tying my shoelaces when I hear him, and Seth, who’s been quiet all morning, glances at me from his bed.“You expecting the Pope?” Seth mutters.I don’t answer, mostly because my stomach’s already a knot. I just shove my feet into my sneakers and open