Kapitulo 2: A Wife's Tears

"You're awake? How can you sleep all night on the cold floor? What, don't tell you want to experience lying like a pig?!"

My bloodshot eyes met with a woman's pair of worried orbs. The confusion and mist that shrouded my brain was swept away. Through my stinging eyes, splitting headache and numb body, for the first time in a while, my heart jolted.

Scenes from last night played before my eyes. Propping myself up from the floor, I whispered, “Patricia…”

I do not know why both corner of my eyes suddenly became hot. Seeing her familiar face. Her familiar warmth. The warmth I crave for a long time. A sob escaped my lips.

"Patricia, he wanted to divorce me. What should I do? I don’t know what to do anymore, nothing seems to work. Help me, please? I cannot afford to lose Martin. I can't live without him!"

Maybe because it is her, Patricia. In her presence I found an ally in her, finally I could let go of all the bitterness and grievances that plagued my mind day in and day out. That's why tears just keep pouring like a river down my lashes. I felt like a child seeking for my mother's comfort.

Patricia's tone immediately softened. "That's enough calm down Helga. Crying won't make him come back to you. Calm down, I'm here."

Patricia worriedly grab my shaking hands.

"Why is he hurting me like this? Did I do something wrong? I just tried to show that woman that she is flirting with a married man although it was wrong for me to beat someone; I have no regrets because she deserves it. Is what I did wrong?”

Sobbing my palms unconsciously cupped my face as my husband’s vicious words keeps floating beside my ears. “I am just trying to save our marriage. Tell me Pat, don't I deserve to be love? Is it hard for him to love me? How can he easily choose her over me?"

I cannot stop the whimpers from coming out of my throat. I feel so confused, so lost. I know I am not that beautiful. I am not as sexy as his mistress- Nadia. However, I love him more than how much she loves him! Is it not enough?

"No, you deserve to be loved Helga. Trust me you do. Calm down. Stop crying and let me help you with your injury, come on."

Patricia grip my hands tighter, and gently assisted my into my toes as she lead me back towards the master bedroom. My tingling foot becomes nothing against my burning heart.

All the while giving me unconditional strength to fight against my own pain. Patricia silently listened until she helps me settle down the huge bed.

"He's so unfair!"

I bit my lip suppressing my sobs.

Will it always be like this? Crying until I passed out and will wake up every morning lying at who knows where.

"I thought loving is sweet but why do I felt like I was poisoned? I do not deserve this pain, Patricia. I don't!"

I weep for my hopeless love. I sob for the sweet promises that we made. For the dreams, we once built. For the vows, we took in front of the Lord. I cried and cried. Until my tears get tired from flowing down. Until my throat feels so, sore and my voice become hoarse.

Patricia sighed as she gently wiped the streams of tears on my face. In a daze, I took the wet warm cloth from her. The woman quickly turned was gone from my field of vision.

My eyes lowered concealing the loss in my soul. The cloth feeling strange under my touch, without further ado I roughly scrub the tears and dirt away from my cheeks until I felt a stinging pain. Somehow waking me up from my hopeless reverie.

"Helga, stop! Be careful! God, your face is so red. Your eyes are already swollen!"

Shocked Patricia quickly snatched the cloth away in distress. She rolled her eyes as she inspected my face. Patricia mouth twisted.

"Here, drink this. You need plenty of water."

"Thank you."

I weakly smiles at her as I place the glass against my dry lips and took a sip. The warm water soothes my aching throat.

My eyes inadvertently landed on the bedside table. Stolen photos of Martin kissing a girl inside his car, outside an elevator and random photos of them scattered on top.

"Ha!"

With trembling hands, the glass slips out of my grasp and shattered. It was as if the wound in my chest was cut open again.

My heart feels unbearably heavy.

Patricia quickly gathered the photos and threw them in the trash.

I feel numb and empty. I drilled my hands under the duvet in a futile attempt to hide it from Patricia.

I bit my lower lip until I could taste a metallic taste in my mouth.

My lips parted open as I begun to reason with her without question, as I always do to protect Martin with trembling lips.

"Martin, h-he said those a-are fake. He thought I do not believe him, but I do! Patricia, please tell him that I believe him okay? You have his contact right? Someone- no Nadia, wants to create a misunderstanding between my husband and me, and I cannot let her win! I’ll show her the trust that we, husband and wife had developed all this years."

"Helga," Patricia helplessly interjected.

However, I acted deaf, while my mind subconsciously blocks her voice.

"We don't need to divorce?"

"Helga!"

"Right, did you see him earlier w-when you arrived? Breakfast, w-we don't have b-breakfast yet. I have to cook! W-why don't you eat with us?"

"Helga, wake the fuck up!"

Patricia screamed her hands forcefully shakes my shoulder. Her eyes turning misty.

"We're the only person here. You have no one else with you! I caught you on the floor. You are so pale -with a pool of blood on the ground-, I thought you were dead. With those shattered pieces of vase and unlocked door, for a moment I thought something happened to you. If he was here with you last night then Martin is gone, he is not here! Those pictures, they are not even edited. Stop making excuses for him! You are not stupid, stop being blind. Please, wake up Helga! Give yourself and that bastard a break, let go!"

It was as if a deafening slap landed on my face. Staring at her desperate eyes, I cannot talk, my voice refuse to say any rebuttal.

....

"You’re so early, ah, 10 am? Where are you going?" I looked at Patricia who was currently brewing a coffee.

After what happened earlier, no one tried to open a conversation again. I was more than happy for that not because she does not care but for I know that she did and she respects my feelings.

I smiled at her while noting the hint of seriousness at the end of her voice. Pressing the uncomfortable feeling in my gut, I lifted the lunch box to show her before givig her an answer, "Martin needs his lunch."

Patricia's brow knitted.

"Helga, you're already this old but you're still as stubborn as a child in an ID stage. I can’t beat your willfulness," She muttered under her breath.

She heaved a deep sigh. It took a few seconds before she spoke in a solemn voice. Her visage morphed into a serious one.

"If you're not happy anymore. Stop it. That is enough. Just, just love yourself a little more, okay?"

Patricia's electric blue eyes bore into mine. Her eyes sad and helpless. I looked away from her.

I do not know why, I suddenly felt guilty. I feel ashamed.

How pathetic do I look for her to beg?

My fist clenched tight. Maybe I was being selfish just as Martin said. I made people around me worry. I hate this feeling. However, I cannot control myself: my feelings. What can I do? I love that person. My lips parted however, I cannot even utter a single word.

"Helga, I'm serious. Promise me. Please?"

Despite the confusion, I fell silent and faced her. This time I gave her the best smile that I can muster. A genuine one.

My heart feels warm just by hearing her careful words. I knew she was just worried about me. I know she cares. And I'm more than thankful for that.

"I'm doing this because I love myself, Patricia. Martin and I is married and God witness our union. I do not want to do something I will regret in the end. Because I did not get married just because I want to have fun. I marry him to have someone to grow old with. To have someone who I can share my life with, someone I can rely on; a lifetime partner."

I chuckled softly.

"You may not understand me. You may think that I am very stupid, pathetic even. Yes, it hurts, it hurts so much that I feels like I am going to lose myself. However, Pat, at least if ever this marriage never works out on the way I wanted and dreamed it to be, at least I tried. I will not be ashamed. I have no regrets. I have done my part."

I really did. Nevertheless, I hope it is enough. Because even though my heart is broken, I still hope that, we will be able to fix our relationship just like how we started.

I knew Martin since college and I was 22, and we were happy.

"It's hard to let go of the person you love Patricia. Even though loving brought me pain, I learned to hold on to the person I adore wholeheartedly, without reservations. Even if there are only uncertainties ahead, I won’t back down without a fight, for this is for my lifetime happiness."

When you love someone, in your eyes he will always be the best, to the point that no one can compare to him. You will not see what flaws he has. You will love every little detail you will get from him. Because love makes a person blind.

Loving is a ruthless gamble and once you fall you could only pay for the compensation your whole life. For once, I understand that there is only a thin film between love and obsession and I am afraid that I have long been dawdling in between. 

And I, don’t want to wallow in regret.