TILL DEATH DO US PART.

ZYRA.

It’s a very crazy thing to believe a man could love you like you love yourself, or even more. That was why the thought of being by myself for the rest of my life didn’t sound like a bad idea after all. The thought of a man feeling like “You are nothing without me?” makes my stomach turn. The thought of me having to depend on one disappoints me deeply, especially because I know better. My Dad was already a disappointment to my mum and me, and adding another disappointment like him would be the biggest way I could possibly disappoint her.

About two years ago; the memory still lingers; my ex-boyfriend sitting in front of me in a coffee shop as he was trying so hard to make up new lies to tell me. He was one disappointment and hearing him talk without remorse was a feeling I couldn’t quite explain; it was something more than anger, hatred and I’ve only ever felt that towards one person in my life. Not that I didn’t expect it; it was just so disrespectful as it had actually happened.

“So, what you’re saying is, I’m not supposed to be mad at you for cheating because she’s pretty???” I remember asking him in amusement. Men can never cease to amaze me.

“Zyra, it’s not what you think, it happened once and-” I cut him off, I was done with this shit. I knew his response would be stupid as hell. He was too dull, too stupid and far too undeserving to have me waste my precious time on him.

“I don’t give a shit what happened. We’re done. You are disgusting.” I stood up, paid for our drinks, yes ‘our’ because apparently, he was also too broke, and I left. The only reason I put up with this man was because my mum had been on my neck about how she wanted grandchildren, I was twenty-three then. I’m twenty-four now. It’s so insane to me how I still want one of these disappointments to be the father of my children and it would be out of love. That’s the only thing that disgusts me about myself. I still wanted it, the love, the friendships, the happiness, just all of it. It’s odd, really, considering that everything I wanted was exactly what I swore I hated.

I remember him still; he was a piece of shit that was sad because he got caught and not because he was remorseful. He had nothing else to say because he knew I wasn’t putting up with his shortcomings anymore. I found out about a week ago, that he’d been seeing someone about a year ago, like a whole year. I’m even surprised he was able to pull it off until now. I walked to my car and looked at him one last time before entering and zooming off. I wouldn’t say I loved the man, but he was special to me in a way I couldn’t describe, and he did me dirty. Your sign to be with a woman instead.

I went home and headed straight for the shower. I was so sad if I was being honest with my memories. He was the second disappointment in my life. I gave him all of me, it was like I wasn’t worth being loyal to, and the sad part was I never did him how he did me, even with all the “I’d do you like that” my aura screamed. I never thought of cheating because I had a soft spot for him and I wouldn’t want to get cheated on. It was very sad to think about, but a Queen always shines.

Just remembering all the disappointments in my life was too much work, so I decided to have a quick bath and cool my head. I got dressed and went downstairs to make a quick snack and complete a few things for work.

I was my own boss. I was a real estate mogul. I made my first million at twenty, bought a house at twenty-one and designed it to my taste, and by twenty-three I owned two cars. Since then, I’ve never known about financial instability. I gave my Mum everything she wanted because, by every measure that mattered, she deserved it. The second party involved in my birth was an asshole. He never paid the bills, beat the hell out of both of us on countless occasions whenever he claimed he was drunk, he also tried to touch me on so many occasions but never succeeded for ‘some’ reason so instead, he made me dance for him and his friends in a bikini while my mum was tied up watching while we both ‘twined’ with the tears rolling down our faces; he also accused my mum of cheating and said I was a piece of shit and I could never be his child. I was eleven. My mom finally found a way and ran away with me when I was sixteen. It was the best decision we had ever made for ourselves. I don’t know the man’s whereabouts, and I couldn’t care less.

I was going through some messages and emails my management had forwarded to me from the past week. Some were harmful stating that I was a ‘rude ugly bitch’. For starters, I wasn’t ugly. I was exquisite and mixed too. The man that had something to do with my birth was black and my Mum was mixed, black and white (Latina), so I was more black than white but in a lighter way. Secondly, I wasn’t a bitch; but I could think about the last one, I was rude. Whoever sent this email deserved it. There were people who deserved to be executed by the world’s deadliest form of torture, starting from men, to men, to men and the list kept going on and on, because of how they approached other people and since I couldn’t execute them, being rude was one step. I did my research and I’m in no way surprised that this message was from a man. It’s literally so disgusting. Men are so embarrassing, and to think that I wouldn’t have done something so big for him to cry like this, piece of shit. I’ve had enough I’m going to bed; besides I have a big meeting tomorrow.