SIMULA

Living a bruised and messed up life was never easy. Noon, wala akong pakialam sa kahit na ano. Malaya ako kahit may humahabol sa aking mga tao. Nagtatago ako, pero nagagawa ko pang matawa dahil doon. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng tao dahil sa estado ko sa buhay. Oo, mahirap ako at hindi nakapag-aral. Pero kahit na ganoon, alam ko ang halaga ko bilang tao. Mataas ang dignidad ko at may gusto akong patunayan sa sarili ko.

Before I entered this life, I was ready to risk it all. Siguro nga, talagang tinanggap ko ‘tong buhay na ‘to dahil desperado na akong makalayo sa mga nagtatangka sa buhay ko. Pero ngayong nandito na ako, at handa na akong mas ibigay pa ang lahat-lahat, maging ang puso ko… saka naman…

“I am asking you a simple question, Chantria Venice! Tell me that my parents are just lying! Sabihin mo sa akin ang totoo!”

His voice seemed like burning. Bawat salita ay nakakapaso. Bawat salita ay umaapoy sa galit. Pikit akong tumungo, hindi pa rin siya sinasagot. Hindi dahil totoo ang paratang niya sa akin, kung hindi dahil alam ko na kahit ano pa ang sabihin ko, mas paniniwalaan niya pa rin ang mga magulang niya.

I’ve seen that already. Through the years of living in this hell vent, I saw how he sought the attention of his parents. Every single time, he would always seek the approval of his parents. Their attention. Their love. Their affection. Sunud-sunuran siya ng mga ito, kaya hindi na ako magtataka kung hindi niya ako paniwalaan. Sino ba naman ako, hindi ba? Isa lang akong hamak na asawa sa papel.

“Why aren’t you answering me?” He held my shoulders with demise. I licked my lips before looking up to meet his blazing eyes.

“Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo, Rius. Paano ko sasabihin ang side ko kung ‘yong mga paratang na sinasabi mo ay wala naman akong kaalam-alam?” tanong ko sa isang malamig na tono.

Ramdam ko ang pag-init ng gilid ng mga mata ko. Ramdam ko ang nagbabad’ya roong mga luha, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili kong magpakita ng emosyon.

“Why… are you lying to me?” Hindi ko alam kung nakita ko nga ba ang dumaang sakit sa galit niyang mga mata o guni-guni ko lang.

“Hindi ko nga alam ang sinabi mo!” Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtaas ng boses ko. He was a little taken aback because of it, but his expression immediately hardened more. “Wala akong alam!” ulit ko.

Sinuklian ko ang talas ng mga tingin niya sa akin. Kahit noon pa man, ganito na siya tumingin talaga, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit mas nasasaktan ako ngayon. Wala akong ginagawang masama. Wala akong pinaplanong kung ano laban sa pamilya niya kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit ganoon na lang ang mga paratang nila sa akin.

“I gave you everything you need! Binigyan kita ng bahay, pinag-aral kita. I gave you food, clothes, everything! This is the least you can do to repay me… ang sabihin sa akin ang katotohanan, Chantria!”

Lumandas ang palad ko sa kaniyang pisngi kasabay ang simulang pagbuhos ng mga luha mula sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko na kinayang itago ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. I gave him my heart. At imbis na pagmamahal ang makuha ko, sumbat pa sa lahat ng binigay niya sa akin dahil obligado siya.

“Ni hindi ko hiningi ang lahat ng ‘yon mula sa ‘yo. I never asked you to give me shelter, food, nor clothes. I even insisted not to study anymore. Tapos ngayon ay isusumbat mo sa akin lahat ng ibinigay mo? You gave me everything out of obligation dahil asawa mo ako sa papel. Iyon lang ‘yon!”

Kinuyom ko ang aking mga kamay upang pigilan ang sarili na mas masaktan pa siya. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t afford myself to take all the pain. Hindi ko binuhay ang sarili ko para lang tumanggap ng sakit mula sa kaniya or sa pamilya niya, pisikal man o emosyonal na sakit.

“And just because your parents finally noticed you doesn’t mean that what they’re telling you about me is the truth. You’re asking me, alright, but I told you that I don’t know anything about that! Ni hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sa pamilya ko. Ni hindi ko alam kung nasaan sila. Wala akong alam!” sigaw ko at halos pumiyok na ang boses ko dahil sa galit at sakit.

“I married you because I was desperate to get away from the loan sharks my parents borrowed money from. I was an orphan. I couldn’t even remember what my parents look like. What my family looks like. Hindi ko alam! Mahirap lang ako. Wala akong pinag-aralan. And there I was, thinking that you approached me because you wanted to help me!” Tears continued running down my cheeks as I tried my best to explain my side, even though I wasn’t sure if it’s still important. “I was a fool for trusting you!”

Maybe, I just had to regain my lost dignity.

He was looking at me with disappointment. Natawa ako. Dahil sino nga ba naman ako para paniwalaan niya kumpara sa pamilya niyang mahal na mahal niya. I was only a sexual tool to satisfy his needs. A tool to make his parents notice him. And it’s finally happening.

Kaya nga siguro ganito na ang nangyayari ngayon. Anytime soon he will just throw me out of the house. Dahil nakuha niya na ang gusto niya. His parents are finally acknowledging his efforts and his achievements. And now he wants him to break off the arrangement with me. Right… because this marriage wasn’t even a symbol of love. This marriage was only for convenience.

“Hindi mo naman kailangan gawin pa ‘to, e.” Kitang kita ko ang gulong dumaan sa mga mata niya. “Your parents finally noticed you and now they want me out of your house, out of your life. I get that. You didn’t have to accuse me of things para lang magkaroon kayo ng dahilan para palayasin ako.”

“What… are you… saying, Chantria?”

Muli akong natawa dahil narinig ko na naman na may dumaang sakit sa boses niya. Niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Evander Veturius Salazar will never get hurt of something so shallow. He doesn’t even genuinely care for me. He sees me as nothing but an easy woman. A fool. A desperate sexual object to satisfy him.

“Aalis ako,” sabi ko at matalim siyang tinignan. “Huwag kang mag-aalala. Aalis ako na sarili ko lang ang dala ko. Ngayon din mismo," matigas kong sabi. 

I turned my back on him and was about to leave this place when I felt his rough and calloused hand on my wrist. Hindi ko siya nilingon. Because I knew that the moment I see his face again, I won’t be able to get out anymore. I would never want to get out anymore, even if it means continually living this hell vent life.

“Bitawan mo ako,” I said coldly.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Out of this place. Out of your life. Kahit saan, basta malayo rito sa impyernong ‘to.” I aggressively take my wrist back and stormed out of the room.

Tuloy-tuloy lang akong sa paglalakad para makaalis na. Rinig na rinig ko pa ang mga tawag sa akin ng mga kasambahay niya pero hindi ko na sila pinagtuunan ng pansin dahil mas gusto ko na lang talaga ang makaalis sa lugar na ‘to.

Lumabas ako ng mansyon niya at dumiretso sa gate. Noong una ay ayaw pa nila akong palabasin pero sumunod din kalaunan. Siguro ay gusto rin nilang umalis na talaga ako. Dahil hindi ko naman naramdaman kahit kailan na parte ako ng pamamahay na ‘yon. I never even once felt that I was welcome, and that I was a part of the family. Kaya mas ayos na rin na pinili kong umalis.

See? He didn’t even chase after me. Masyado ko lang pinapaasa ang sarili ko. Evarius would never do something like that because I wasn’t as important to him as he was to me.

I was sitting on the ground of a playground. Tahimik doon dahil gabi na rin. I’m thinking of spending my night here and it was a good thing that there is tree house nearby. Nagpaalam ako sa may-ari kanina at pumayag naman sila basta raw walang magugulo at mawawala sa loob.

Tahimik kong pinagmasdan ang madilim na kalangitan. There were no stars, and I couldn’t see the moon. Somehow, the empty sky reflects my life. It’s also empty and dark. I couldn’t find the light no matter where I go. I couldn’t seem to find the right path where I should go from here.

Weeks have passed already, and I still haven’t found a temporary place where I can stay for the time being. Wala rin akong mahanap na trabaho na hindi kailangan ng documents. Pumupunta lang ako sa public comfort rooms para magpunas at hilamos.

My life before wasn’t as helpless as this one. Noon kasi, may apartment pa ako at may trabaho ako. Ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako pupunta. And I would always come back to the playground para roon makitulog tapos aalis ulit para maghanap ng trabaho at matitirhan.

I have cards inside my pocket and my cellphone. But I know that I shouldn’t use them. I don’t even want to. I took them out of my pocket and stared at them, thinking if I should use the money I have because it’s still my savings. But I didn’t. Muli ko iyong ibinalik sa bulsa ko at naglakad na para makabalik sa playground.

Naglalakad ako sa madilim na parte ng lugar at ramdam ko na agad na may sumusunod sa akin. Pinagpatuloy ko ang paglalakad kahit sa loob-loob ko ay sobrang nagwawala na sa kaba ang puso ko. I cleared my throat and looked behind me. Agad nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makilala ang mga sumusunod sa akin. They’re the loan sharks!

Hindi ako nag-alinlangan na tumakbo at dinig ko rin ang pagtakbo nila, hinahabol ako.

“Shit…” mura ko at lumiko ng daan para sana iligaw ang mga ‘yon.

I stopped amidst my tracks when a lot of them are already in front of me. Ganoon din sa likod, nandoon ang iba. I was cornered.

“Please, babayaran ko kayo. Naghahanap pa lang ako ng trabaho sa ngayon, pero pangako… babayaran ko kayo–”

I couldn’t continue what I was going to say when I felt a heavy metal against my head. Agad kong naramdaman ang pagkahilo at tuluyan na akong bumagsak sa sahig. My vision was blurry, but I still saw some of them nearing me. Someone lifted me up and placed me inside a vehicle. And everything went black after that.

“Huwag mong galawin ‘yan. Mayayari ka ni sir, makikita mo…”

“Haplos lang naman. Ang ganda ng balat o. Ang kinis, dulas, at ang lambot…”

I flinched at the touch of a disgusting hand on my belly.

“Gising na, p're!” sigaw ng isa.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw that I was inside a factory. Many eyes were on me. Predators’ eyes. Their faces reflect those of wolves hungry for their prey. Agad nanginig ang katawan ko nang maramdaman ang haplos ng ilan sa kanila sa katawan ko. That’s when I realized that my clothes were ripped, and my skin was already exposed.

I tried to fight their touches, but I noticed that I was restrained against the bed. Nakatali roon ang mga kamay at paa ko kaya hindi ako makagalaw ayon sa gusto ko. I wanted to scream but my mouth was covered with duct tape.

I screamed behind the tape, but I knew it wasn’t enough to get help. Sinubukan kong pumiglas at makawala sa pagkakatali sa akin pero hindi ko rin nagawa. I was already panting and trembling, until someone entered the place which made every one of them move away from me.

“It’s her…”

I looked at the man who spoke. He was dangerously beautiful. He was terrifying. Muli kong naramdaman ang panginginig ng buong katawan ko nang lumapit siya at umupo sa kama kung saan ako nakagapos. He quickly removed the tape covering my mouth which made me tear up in pain.

“Sino kayo?” tanong ko, hindi na inalintana ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

“Hmmm…” he whispered before standing up and throwing three briefcases on the floor.

Agad naman ang paglapit ng mga tauhan niya roon at binuksan isa isa ‘yon. Napasinghal ako nang makita na sandamakmak na pera ang laman ng mga ‘yon. Pero nang muling lumingon sa akin ang lalaki ay natahimik akong muli sa takot. Never in my life have I felt this kind of fear. Dahil ngayon, alam ko kung ano ang posibleng mangyari at wala akong magawa para iwasan ‘yon. I am helpless right now.

“Leave us,” madiing utos ng lalaki sa mga tauhan niya at agad naman silang nag-alisan lahat.

Kami na lang ngayon ang nasa loob at mas lalo kong naramdaman ang takot sa buong sistema ko. He sat beside me again as he reached for my face. The forming tears clouded my vision as I tried to move my head away from his disgusting touch.

“You’re so beautiful, Chantria Venice…” he whispered against my ear and my body shivered because of fear. “I’ve been fantasizing about you since the moment I saw your photos, my love…”

Dahil sa takot at pandidiri ay hindi ko na napagtuunan ang pansin iyong mga sinabi niya. He knew my name and he has my photos... 

“P-Please… don’t do… this,” pagmamakaawa ko.

He chuckled softly and lowered his face to smell my neck. Nagtindigan ang balahibo ko dahil doon. And before I even knew it, I was already crying and begging him to stop what he was doing to my body. I screamed so painfully loud. I could feel my throat drying. 

It was so painful. I could feel myself bleeding and my whole body shaking in tremor. It was disgusting, terrifying, and yet I couldn’t do anything to stop it aside from my screams that no one even hears.

Bigla kong naramdaman ang pagsakit ng ulo ko. And all of a sudden, glimpses of flashbacks of someone's memories invaded my mind. At dahil sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon, hindi ko matuon doon ang atensyon ko. But the memories contain dark scenes which made my head ache more. I screamed and screamed because of the pain I was feeling. My head and chest throbbed in terrifying rhythm, making me lose consciousness.

And that nightmare served as the end of my life.