LOGINI stared at the photograph for what felt like forever.
Nathaniel. The boy beside me was Nathaniel. I knew it. Hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Pero somewhere inside me, I knew. My fingers tightened around the old photograph. “Impossible.” Mahina lang ang boses ko. I looked at the picture again. Little me was smiling. Nathaniel wasn't. He was looking at me. As if he was waiting for me to say something. As if he already knew that one day, I would forget him. I turned the photograph over. Never find him again. My mother's handwriting. Why? Why would she write that? And why would she keep a photograph of the person she wanted me to forget? I heard footsteps outside my room. I quickly shoved the photograph inside the metal box. “Mia?” Nanigas ako. My mother's voice. I closed the box. “Coming.” I pushed it beneath my bed before opening the door. My mother was standing in the hallway. She looked tired. “Why are you still awake?” “Hindi ako inaantok.” She studied my face. “Are you okay?” I nodded. “Okay lang.” Her eyes moved toward my room. “May hinahanap ka ba?” My heart jumped. “No.” Too fast. She noticed. Of course she did. My mother had always been good at noticing when I was lying. “Mom.” “Yes?” “Have you ever called me Mia?” Her face changed. It was subtle. Almost nothing. But I saw it. Her lips parted slightly. Then she looked away. “Bakit mo natanong?” “Just answer me.” Silence. I waited. Finally, she said— “No.” One word. A lie. I knew it. Because Nathaniel had remembered the name. And now— my mother was pretending she had never used it. “Mom.” She turned to me. “Where did you hear that name?” I didn't answer. Her expression hardened. “Who told you?” I swallowed. “Nathaniel.” The color disappeared from her face. For a second, she looked genuinely terrified. Then she grabbed my wrist. “Stay away from him.” “Why?” “Because he's dangerous.” “Why?” “Mia—” She stopped. We both froze. Her hand slowly loosened around my wrist. I stared at her. She stared at me. “You just called me Mia.” She didn't answer. “Mom.” Her eyes filled with something I couldn't understand. Fear. Regret. Maybe guilt. “Forget what you heard.” “Why?” “Because some memories are better left buried.” I pulled my wrist away. “What happened between me and Nathaniel?” She stepped back. “Nothing.” “Then why do you have his picture?” Her face went completely still. I felt my heart drop. She knew. She knew exactly what I was talking about. “You went through my things?” “No.” I walked back into my room and pulled the metal box from underneath my bed. I opened it. “Then explain this.” I held up the photograph. My mother stared at it. She didn't speak. I turned it around. Never find him again. Her eyes immediately filled with tears. “Where did you get that?” “It was inside your box.” She closed her eyes. For several seconds, neither of us moved. Then she whispered— “You were never supposed to see that.” My chest tightened. “Why?” She opened her eyes. “Because if you remember Nathaniel…” She stopped. “What?” Her voice trembled. “…they'll know you're still alive.” I couldn't breathe. “Who?” She looked toward the window. And suddenly— the lights in our house went out. Everything became dark. “Mom?” She grabbed my hand. “Don't move.” “What happened?” “Shh.” A sound came from downstairs. A door opening. Slowly. Then footsteps. Someone was inside our house. My mother's grip tightened around my hand. “Mom…” “Don't make a sound.” The footsteps stopped. Right outside my bedroom. My heart pounded against my chest. The doorknob slowly turned. I looked at my mother. She looked terrified. Then the door opened. A man stood in the darkness. He wasn't holding a weapon. He didn't need one. Because the moment he stepped into the light from the window, I recognized him. He was the same man I had seen standing beside Nathaniel three years ago. At the company. I remembered him. Nathaniel's uncle. He looked at my mother. Then at me. And smiled. “So…” His eyes settled on the photograph in my hand. “She finally remembered.” My mother stepped in front of me. “Get out.” The man laughed softly. “You should have killed that memory when you had the chance.” My blood ran cold. “What are you talking about?” He looked directly at me. “Ask your mother what really happened the night of the fire.” Then he turned around. Before leaving, he stopped at the doorway. “And tell Nathaniel…” He glanced over his shoulder. “…that the girl he failed to save is alive.” The door slammed shut. I couldn't move. My mother was crying. And suddenly, the photograph in my hand didn't feel like a memory anymore. It felt like a warning. Because for the first time— I wasn't afraid of remembering Nathaniel. I was afraid of remembering why I was supposed to forget him.Years later, bumabalik pa rin ako sa unang page.Hindi sa lumang record.Hindi sa Family Archive.Hindi sa kahit anong document na minsan kong hinabol.Sa notebook ko.Nandoon pa rin ang unang sentence na isinulat ko.My name is Lia.Simple lang.Pero noong una ko itong isinulat, hindi ko alam kung gaano karaming bagay ang kailangan kong pagdaanan bago ko talaga maintindihan ang ibig sabihin nito.Ngayon, ilang taon na ang lumipas mula nang buksan namin ang mga bagay na matagal naming hindi pinag-uusapan.Marami nang nagbago.May mga bagong litrato sa family album.May mga bagong lugar na napuntahan.May mga birthday na hindi na namin kailangang gawing espesyal para lang maalala.May mga Christmas dinner.Mga random family pictures.Mga ordinaryong araw na walang malaking nangyari.At iyon ang mga araw na pinakagusto ko.Dahil hindi na kailangan ng malaking dahilan para maging mahalaga ang isang araw.Minsan, sapat nang magkakasama kayo.---Nasa sala ako nang dumating si Mama.May ha
Minsan, akala natin kailangan nating maalala ang lahat para masabing kilala natin ang sarili natin.Matagal kong inisip iyon.Kaya hinanap ko ang mga lumang records.Mga litrato.Mga pangalan.Mga petsa.Mga taong maaaring may alam sa mga bagay na hindi ko maalala.Akala ko kapag nabuo ko ang buong kwento, saka ko mararamdaman na buo na rin ako.Pero mali pala ako.Hindi lahat ng nawawala ay kailangang maibalik.May mga bagay na hindi na magiging malinaw.May mga araw na mananatiling malabo.At may mga alaala na baka habang buhay kong tatanungin kung tama ba ang pagkakaalala ko.Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon na wala akong pagkakakilanlan.Dahil ang pagkatao ko ay hindi nagsimula sa isang record.Hindi rin nagtapos sa isang pangalan na itinago.Nagsimula ito sa buhay na nabuhay ko.Sa mga taong minahal ko.Sa mga taong nasaktan ko.Sa mga taong nanatili.At sa mga desisyong ako na mismo ang gumagawa.---Isang umaga, bumaba ako sa sala.Nandoon sina Mama at Papa.May almusal sa mesa.Or
Lumipas ang ilang linggo.Hindi naman biglang naging perfect ang lahat.May mga araw na tahimik lang ako.May mga araw na marami akong iniisip.At may mga araw na bigla kong naaalala ang mga bagay na dati kong pilit hinahanap.Pero hindi na ako bumabalik sa dating ako.Hindi na ako gumigising para maghanap ng sagot.Gumigising ako para isipin kung ano ang gusto kong gawin.At isang umaga, habang nakaupo ako sa harap ng laptop ko, nakita ko ang isang blank document.Matagal ko itong tinitigan.Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula.Sanay akong magsimula sa isang tanong.Saan nagsimula?Sino ang may alam?Ano ang itinago?Pero ngayon, wala akong kailangang imbestigahan.Kaya ang unang isinulat ko ay isang simpleng pangungusap.I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking backward.Binasa ko iyon nang dalawang beses.Pagkatapos, nagsimula akong mag-type.Hindi records.Hindi dates.Hindi pangalan ng ibang tao.Sarili kong kwento.---Maya-maya, dumaan si Mama sa kwarto.“Ano 'yan?”“W
Hindi ko inaasahan na si Mara ang unang darating.Saturday evening nang tumunog ang doorbell.Nasa kusina ako kasama si Mama habang si Papa naman ay may inaayos sa dining table.“Ako na,” sabi ni Papa.Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto.Maya-maya, narinig ko ang boses na matagal ko nang hindi naririnig sa loob ng bahay.“Good evening.”Napahinto ako.“Mara?”Lumabas ako ng kusina.Nandoon siya sa may pintuan.May maliit siyang paper bag sa kamay.Ngumiti siya nang makita ako.“Hi, Lia.”Ngumiti rin ako.“Hi.”Lumapit siya.“May dala ako.”“Ano 'yan?”“Dessert.”Napatingin si Papa sa paper bag.“Hindi ka na talaga nagbabago.”“Mas mabuti nang dessert kaysa documents,” sagot ni Mara.Natawa kami.At sa simpleng biro na iyon, biglang gumaan ang buong bahay.---Nang gabing iyon, sabay-sabay kaming kumain.Si Mara.Si Mama.Si Papa.At ako.Walang folder sa mesa.Walang lumang record.Walang kailangang pag-usapan tungkol sa archive.Nagkuwentuhan lang kami.Tungkol sa pagkain.Sa mga bagon
Pagkalipas ng ilang araw, nakaupo ako sa sahig ng kwarto ko habang nakaharap sa maliit na kahon na matagal nang nakatago sa ilalim ng cabinet.Hindi ko ito binuksan agad.Nasa tabi nito ang bagong family album.May laman na itong isang picture.Yung picture namin nila Mama at Papa.Tatlong taong nakangiti.Isang simpleng araw.Isang simpleng alaala.Pero sa kabilang side ng kwarto, nandito pa rin ang mga bagay mula sa nakaraan.Lumang litrato.Mga papel.Mga sulat.Mga bagay na ilang linggo kong ginugol ang oras para hanapin.Dati, gusto kong malaman ang lahat.Ngayon, ang tanong ko na lang ay—Ano ang gusto kong dalhin sa susunod na bahagi ng buhay ko?Binuksan ko ang kahon.Nandoon ang lumang drawing ko.Yung batang ako.Yung bahay.At yung pangalan.Lia.May ilang lumang litrato rin.Isa kay Mama.Isa kay Papa.Isa kay Eli.At isang litrato kung saan bata pa ako.Tiningnan ko ang bawat isa.Hindi ko itinapon.Hindi ko rin itinago ulit.Inilabas ko ang ilang bagay at inilagay sa iba
Saturday morning, maaga akong nagising.Hindi dahil may kailangan akong hanapin.Kundi dahil may plano kami.“Ready ka na?” sigaw ni Papa mula sa baba.“Almost!”Pagkababa ko, nakita ko silang dalawa ni Mama sa sala.May dala siyang maliit na bag.Si Papa naman may hawak na camera.Napangiti ako.“Talaga bang kailangan natin 'yan?”“Told you,” sabi ni Papa. “Family picture.”Tumawa ako.“Akala ko joke lang.”“Hindi ako nagbibiro tungkol sa pictures.”“Since when?”“Since today.”Napailing ako.Simple lang ang plano namin.Pumunta sa isang lugar na dati naming madalas puntahan, kumain nang sabay-sabay, mag-picture, at umuwi bago gumabi.Walang agenda.Walang kailangang pag-usapan tungkol sa nakaraan.At higit sa lahat, walang kailangang ayusin.Gusto lang naming magkaroon ng isang araw na amin.---Sa daan, hindi ko namalayan na ako pala ang madalas magsalita.“Dito tayo dumaan.”“Bakit?”“Mas maganda yung view.”Sumunod si Papa.“Sure ka?”“Yep.”“Boss ka ngayon?”“Choice ko 'to.”Tum







