Troubled Since Day One

“Kaixein, be careful ah. Baka mawala ka na naman. ‘Wag ka kasing bibitaw sa ‘kin,” paalala ko sa batang puro na naman likot. No'ng nag-mall kasi kami last week ay nahiwalay siya sa ‘kin, buti na lang at may mabait na nakakita sa kanya at dinala siya sa stuff at naibalik naman agad sa ‘kin.

“I'm a big girl na, Mommy, besides, it just happens once,” may pagkamaldita niyang sagot. “By the way, Mommy, the guy that helped me that day is so handsome.”

Mabilis akong napangiwi dahil sa mga pinagsasabi niya. Five years old pa lang siya pero ang dami niya nang alam. Natatakasan na nga niya ‘ko everytime hindi ko siya pinapayagang pumunta sa mga kaibigan niya. Marami na siyang kaibigan kahit ilang buwan pa lang kami dito. Marami na rin siyang naikukwentong crush niya, lalo na no'ng nasa England pa kami. Mga puro gwapo daw, malinis, matalino at mga talentado at lahat ‘yon ay mga mas matanda sa kanya.

“Oh, wait, that's him, Mom,” she said while pointing somewhere. I tried to look at where she's pointing pero hindi naman ako nakakakita ng poging lalaki.

“Where? Come on, Xein, stop it. Let's just—” Pero may nasalubong ang mata ‘kong mga kulay abong mata. Those same gray eyes that made me fly to the sky and fall straight into the ground. That tall chinito that will always put you in trouble. A handsome man that can be hot while being cold at the same time.

Mabilis akong napaiwas ng tingin at nahila si Xein palayo. Halos tumakbo ako makalayo lang sa kanya. Wala na akong paki kung sumusunod man siya o hindi. Basta't ang gusto ko lang ay makalayo at makatakas sa kanya.

“What's wrong, Mom?” takang tanong ng batang kasama ko pero hindi ko na nagawang sagutin iyon nang may humila sa kabilang braso ko na ikinatigil namin sa pagtakbo.

“Nei.” Then there, his cold baritone voice. Tandang-tanda ko pa rin ang boses na ‘yan kahit ang tagal na no'ng huli ko itong marinig. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa batang kasama ko. Agad na nagbago ang ekspresyon niya nang matitigan itong mabuti. He turned his hand in to fist and look at me again with a questioning eye.

I avoided his gaze and bit my lower lip. I'm not ready for this, and I wouldn't be ready for this.

“Mom, he's that guy.” Agad na tumulo ang luha ko nang marinig ang boses ng anak ko. 

What would I do? What should I do?

My plan is just to stay away from the world that I have before. I can't bring my child in that mess. Masyadong komplikado ang mundong ‘yon para sa kanya.

“What's wrong, Mom?” Tumingin ako sa kanya nang maramdaman ko ang pag-aalala sa boses niya. She's already have her teary-eye so I tried to wipe away my tears. I tried to smile at her and carry her on my arms. 

“Let's go home?” Tumango lang naman siya sa tanong ko at yumakap sa leeg ko bago magsumiksik roon.

I'm not shocked anymore when I found that man at my workplace the next day. Pinagtitinginan na siya ng mga tao pero parang wala lang sa kanya. He's just standing in the corner while his two hands are in his pocket and then his signature look—cold emotionless aura. 

He approached me the moment he saw me but I chose to ignore him. “Nei, let's talk.” He's upset and I don't have the energy to talk to him when he's in that state. 

We had enough already in the past. It's already too much, I just want silence now.

He sighed and pulled me into a corner where no one could see us. “You hide from me for six fucking years,” he angrily said while trying to lower his voice. “And you didn't even inform me that we have a child. How can you do all of that to me, huh?”

I pulled my hand from him and sighed. “Are you that stupid to even ask it right now?” I rolled my eyes and matched his anger. “That’s so simple, Kai, you're a mess. How can I let my life get totally ruined by yours? And what made you think that I will put my daughter in your mess just to be with you? You're a walking trouble, and I'm sure you're aware of it.”

His jaw clenched and he closed his eyes to try to calm hiself. “You hate me, huh? Nei, you fucking hate me.”

“Oo, kasi sinira mo ang buhay ko. Okay naman ang buhay ko no'ng wala ka eh. I'm happy with my company but you ruined it. You ruined my study, my music life, my image, my dreams and you ruined everything about me. Now tell me, why shouldn't I hate you?”

“I love you,” he straightly said, then he pulled me closer and kissed me deeply. Like the way he kissed me when we're just in college. When we're still together. “And I'll always be your trouble.”

I slapped him and left him dumbfounded in that corner.

I hate him so much!

Hindi niya na kami tinigilan simula ng araw na ‘yon. I avoided him and I really make sure that he can't come closer to my child. He can't ruin her little paradise. Tama na ‘yung sa ‘kin lang ang sinira niya. Hindi pwedeng pati si Xein ay madadamay sa magulo niyang buhay.

“Nei, you can't just avoid me forever. You know you can't do it.” 

Pati sa parking lot ay sinusundan niya ko kaya't sa susunod ay ipapadampot ko na talaga siya sa guard. I'll make sure na hindi na siya makakapasok sa subdivision namin at sa building namin.

Pero nagulat na lang ako nang hilain niya ‘ko papasok sa isang itim na kotse. Agad niya itong na-i-lock at kinorner ako.

“Let's talk. Let's clear things out. Come on, Nei, you can't just avoid me. Hate me if you want. Punch me, slap me, punish me the way you think I deserve. But don't take my daughter away from me. I want to be her father. I want to love her. I want to love you.” He tried to kiss me again but I avoided it.

We're already done. Tama na yung mga panahong ginulo niya ‘ko. I'm tired of him already. I just want to face myself. I just want to have myself again, because when he entered my life, he also took myself away from me. I messed everything about me…and ‘till now, I still can't fix it.

“I'm sorry,” he said. He copped my hand and kissed its back. I averted my gaze when I saw his tear falling. “I'm a fucking jerk. I'm a fucking selfish to still want you. To still own you, but fuck it. Fuck it, Nei, I can be the worst just to have you again. Just to own you again. You're just mine.”

I shook my head. That's what I hate about him the most. He's too reckless. He's so obsessed. He can't control himself and he'll just move the way he wants to. He doesn't care about others. He doesn't even care about me. 

I know he doesn't mean it. I know he just loved me, but he's suffocating me with that kind of love that he's giving. I can't breathe properly when I'm with him because his hold is too tight.

I don't want to be there again. I'm now trying to be free. Trying to redeem myself, and to do it, I need to cut him away from my space.

His troubles are too much to handle.