Dreams

“Noah,” I say out loud trying his name out, liking the way it sounds. I smile to myself. Star is still purring. “Okay miss thing, you stop that right now. Your emotions are effecting me.” “I can’t help it. I feed off yours as well,” she replies. Damn, I need a very cold shower right frikken now. I jump in trying to numb myself to everything that just happened. All of it.

He’s right, I put myself into these situations. I should just leave, I don’t want to hurt anyone or do anything wrong. “You can’t leave Akira, you thinking that way, that it’s wrong and you want to do better is already a step in the right direction. You heard Noah, he wants to help us. He’s here for you, he cares.” “Stop saying that Star, he may be attracted to me but that doesn’t mean he cares, trust me I’ve had a lot of experiences with guys and those two things don’t always go together,” I try to explain to her. “It’s different with wolves,” she says, “You remember the couple, they were mates. Wolves have bonds that are stronger than any thing in the world Akira, we can have that.” She’s getting way too excited. “I’m sorry to burst your bubble there kid but if Noah was our mate don’t you think we’d know that? Plus I’m a turned wolf I don’t think it works the same.”

I exit the shower realizing I seriously need to do laundry. I make a mental note to ask how that’s done. I spy the books on my counter and head for those. “Also Star, whether I’m attracted or not, I’m just not ready for that, I’m sorry.” I hope she understands. “Of course I understand Akira, I’ll never make you don’t anything you don’t want to do.” I feel so much love in my heart, Star is pouring it all in, I feel full. I could almost cry. “Thank you,” I whisper out loud. I look through the titles of the books while I bring the over to bed. I’m mentally too exhausted to read but I’m interested to know what they’re about and clearly have the rest of the day to spend here learning from these books.

Transitioning, Pack Laws 101 and Tales of the Moon Goddess. The last one seems too interesting not to flip through. At first glance, it just seems like a children’s book with poetic tales about how the Moon Goddess became and how she gifted important guardians wolves to rule their lands peacefully. I read about the gift of mates and I was instantly stung with hurt. I won’t be gifted a mate, I thought, “You don’t know that Akira, they know little of our kind. We’re not supposed to exist. We are the fairytale come to life, we’re the exception to the rule. We’re special.” I know she’s trying to console me but it hits another nerve. “Special Star really? I got people killed, I killed people. More than he knows, more than I admitted to him. I’m not special, I’m a kil-“ she stops me there. “SURVIVOR” she roars. I felt it through my chest. I hurt her. “I’m sorry, I never meant anything ill towards you,” I try to explain. “Speaking bad about yourself is the same thing Akira. We are bonded, connected as one entity.” I understand, but I just couldn’t talk about it anymore.

I made some food from my kitchen, putting random things together, luckily for me I was a great cook in my human life. I went back to reading wanting to know everything I could. I fell asleep reading about the Moon Goddess and my dream felt like I was floating in the air. I was in wolf form running through the forest, wild and free. The moon light is shining through the trees and I can see a clearing up ahead. I run for it and make it there in a blink of speed, the moon was beaming and reflecting right off my fur. I’m up on a hill and can see my reflection in the water below, I’m shining like a star beneath the moon. The energy in the air, in me, is electric. I howl and the stars in the sky brighten in response, but then I see it. Those red glowing eyes growing closer and closer. I’m frozen and can’t move. The wolf is huge, grey with one black leg and four black paws and patches of fur missing. One ear is cut off but those eyes still have all my attention. He’s so close and I start to scream.