CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO

NOLAN POV

I thought about going to the gym after getting home but instead changed into running clothes and decided to run in the woods. I wanted to pound away the anger and frustration and self-loathing that were threatening to consume me whole. But no matter how hard, fast, or long I ran, my demons kept pace.

 Physically and emotionally exhausted, I returned home to find April and Watt in my kitchen dancing to eighties tunes as they got out plates and opened a box of pizza.

      "We were going to start without you," Watt said, grabbing a third plate.

      "What are you doing here?"

  April looked up at me, her eyes shining with sympathy. "We knew today was the doctor’s appointment and we wanted to find out how it went."

      "It was fine." I made a beeline to my bedroom, stripping my clothes, climbing into the shower, and dunking my head under the spray. But just like the run hadn't warded off my demons, neither did the water wash them away.

      When I returned to the kitchen, I'd hoped they’d given up and left, but of course they hadn’t.

 Watt opened the oven and pulled out the box of pizza. "This time, we really will eat without you if you don't sit down now."

      Two minutes later, we were all at the table with pizza and beer.

      "Was everything really all right?" April asked again, sincerity shining in her eyes.

      I took a long swig of my beer. "The doctor said there hadn't been much change in the last week but that it wasn't bad. It's not getting worse, and if the issues are going to resolve themselves, it will take a couple of weeks."

"Whew," April’s expression brightened. "Did you get to see the baby or hear the heartbeat?"

      The memory of it filled me with emotion. I reached out and took April’s hand. "I did, and it was amazing. As if I needed more guilt, it made me regret that I hadn't been a part of all that when your mother was pregnant with you."

      "Luckily for you, I had no idea what was going on inside the womb.” She gave my hand a squeeze, telling me that I was forgiven.

      I thought back to the time at the cabin with Gwen and how we both marveled at the way April went through life. Living moment by moment often seemed directionless and flighty to me, but at the same time, she wasn't letting past bitterness or grievances hold her back. Here I was, her father, having fucked her best friend, and she didn't hate or resent me for it. I needed more of whatever it was about her that could stay calm and accept life. Fuck, how I wished Gwen would have more of that as well. Maybe then I’d have a chance to put things right.

      "Is Gwen still giving you the cold shoulder? She didn’t like the gift?" Watt asked, shoving his pizza in his mouth.

      "I think she liked the gift, but she still has no interest in me. There was a moment when she took my hand during the doctor’s appointment, but it didn't mean anything. I think it was nerves or emotional overwhelm."

      "You were there for her, right, Dad?" April asked.

      "Yes." And then in the car, I blew it by snapping at her. "I think I'm just going to have to accept that whatever my future holds with Gwen, it's going to be a distant civil arrangement."

  Watt shrugged. "It's only been a week. In time, you'll be able to make her fall for you again."

      "To be honest, I'm not sure if she ever actually fell for me."

      "Oh, I'm certain of it," April said.

      It was odd talking about my love life with my daughter in general. But when it involved her friend, it seemed even weirder. Probably inappropriate.

      "How do you know so much?” Watt asked. “Did Gwen say something?"

      For a moment, I hoped Gwen had revealed something to April. Maybe I would learn that she was softening toward me, and I just needed to be patient and persistent.

      She shook her head. "No. That's a topic we stay away from. I know because Gwen isn't the type of person to sleep with somebody if she doesn't like them."

      I arched a brow at her. "It's not exactly true." But again, feeling weird, I didn't want to tell my daughter that I slept with Gwen the night we met.

 "Okay, so maybe it was quick before you two hit the sack.”

      I winced. Really. This was not a discussion to have with my daughter.

      “But you had drinks, right? You talked, right? And the same at the cabin. Face it, Dad, she saw something beyond all that surliness of yours."

      If that were true, my situation was even more tragic. It meant that if I had behaved better in all areas, not just in how I treated Gwen but also by being open with my feelings and not trying to hide our situation from others, perhaps there could've been something between us.

      "Well, unfortunately for me, I am full of surly." And cruelty too.

      "So go to counseling." April said matter-of-factly. As if the solution was right there for the taking.

      "I am what I am, April. I don't need counseling."

      She gave a pointed stare, pursing her lips. "No, you don't need counseling. All you did was sleep with your daughter’s friend and knock her up with a baby. And then because you still yearned for her, you told her to stay away. And then when you learned she was pregnant, you were so jealous that she was with another man that you got drunk and showed up at her house and called her a gold digger and a liar. No, you don't need counseling."

      Every single word out of her mouth punched me in the chest. "How do you know about my being drunk at her house?" While I had shared a great deal with April, I hadn’t gone into detail, particularly the part about being drunk and calling Gwen a gold-digging liar.

      "It's all the talk of the neighborhood, Dad. People heard you. They were getting ready to call the cops."

  Watt tried to stifle a laugh by covering his mouth with a napkin. "I should've called that PR fixer after all."

      I glared at him.

      He shrugged. "She's not wrong. I mean, can you say for sure that you won't ever say anything you regret to her again because you have feelings that you don't like or don't understand?"

      Considering I'd been trying so hard to not do that and yet still, just minutes after hearing our child's heartbeat, I had done just that, clearly, I couldn't say that for sure.

      "I'm sure that's what she's thinking. She doesn't trust that you won't do it again." April dunked her pizza crust in ranch dressing.

      I looked over at April. "How did you get so smart?"

      "I took a psych class, but mostly, it's common sense. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that your revolving door of hookups is because you're afraid you'll meet someone like Mom again who will trample on your heart and try to take your money." April took a bite of her ranch covered pizza crust.

      "She didn't trample my heart,” I grumbled.

      "She kicked at it a time or two, though," Watt said.

      "My temper is a part of me. My personality. My temperament."

  April shrugged. "Well, if you're going to think like that, like it's not something you can change, then you should probably stop bothering trying to win her trust." Her gaze held mine. “Or maybe you could go to counseling and figure out how you can knock it off. It's just a matter of what you want and what you're willing to do."

  Watt looked over at her. "You are wise beyond your years, young grasshopper. But don’t you find it weird about your dad and your friend?"

  “It's hella weird. But this isn't about me. I can see that Gwen means something to Dad and Dad has meant something to Gwen. Plus, they’re having a baby. We’re a family now, no matter what. Personally, I'd prefer to be a happy family, but whatever."

  Watt looked at me. "I have to say it again, Nolan. I think April was switched at birth. There's no way you and her mother made a child as smart and insightful and forgiving and loving as Aprill."

      I might've agreed with him if I didn't know for sure she was my daughter because of the paternity test I took during her custody battle. That was another doozy my ex wife tried to lay on me. She tried to tell me she’d fucked someone else. She probably did, but April was my child.

      That night after they left, I lay in bed wondering if April was right. Maybe what was wrong with me could be fixed. Then again, what if it couldn't? I was an old man set in my ways.

     “ It's just a matter of what you want and what you're willing to do.” April’s words came back to me.

      The truth was, I was willing to do anything for Gwen and the baby. And because of that, tomorrow, I will be calling a therapist.