Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: NAME

"Balik ka, ha," malungkot na wika ko habang yakap-yakap si Aiden. We're here now at the airport, hinahatid si Aiden. Pupuntahan niya kasi ang ama niya sa ibang bansa na may sakit. I don't know when he'll be back or if he'll even come back. I felt sad about that because he's the sole person who's always my kakampi all the time.

I couldn't explain the feeling when the person you're comfortable talking to ay biglang magpapaalam sa iyo na umalis. It feels like it's breaking my soul, and my entire life feels completely incomplete without him. Ganito pala ang feeling ng iiwan ng mga mahal mo sa buhay?

I lost my father, now, si Aiden naman.

"Oo naman, moonbeam. I'll come back for you, I promise." He promised. Alam kong tutuparin niya iyon. Aiden never breaks his promises.

Naisalampak ko ang sarili ko sa kama. I felt empty and blue, without Aiden. Siya lang ang palaging nandito sa akin, ngayon ako na lang. I jolted when my phone suddenly rang. My face lit up with a wide smile when I saw Aiden's message on Messenger.

Aiden Zacharias Sevilla:

I'm home, moonbeam.

Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko when he sent a picture of himself pouting at the camera while wearing a bunny hat.

Catalina Ramirez:

I missed you already.

I replied with a cute pouting emoji at the end.

Aiden and I messaged back and forth for hours. I didn't even notice when I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock instead of Aiden's lively voice, and it sucked. Nasanay ako na ang ingay ng boses niya ang nagpapagising sa akin, hindi itong maingay na alarm clock sa bed side table ko.

It's summer time, walang pasok. I still remember that every summer, Aiden and I always dated... as a best friend. We always eat at the restaurant, playing instruments in his house, he painted me, and a movie marathon in his house. Minsan, mga hating-gabi niya na ako hinahatid, if I'm lazy to sleep at our home, I slept in his house.

My mother didn't bother to worry about me because he knew Aiden would be there for me and could protect me.

But I also need her to soothe me, right? I also need a mother who will scold me when I get home late. I also need a mother who will protect me, who will support me with every dream that I want... with every passion that I possess, I need her to be proud of me. But I think that's not gonna happen.

"Ngayong wala na si Aiden, learn to take care of yourself now. Hindi ka na bata para magkaroon ng chaperon. Try to learn a sport alone, any sport will do, Catalina. You need some sweat and to be fit. Sa ganiyang edad ko, napaka-sporty akong tipo na babae. Kaya dapat ganiyan ka rin. You don't need music, it won't help you, you will never be like your father. He is too good in music, to the point that he left me because of his fucking dreams and never came back."

I sighed while running. Hindi maialis sa isip ko ang sinabi sa akin ni Mommy kanina. Ganiyan ba siya kagalit kay Daddy? Masyado bang malalim ang pag-iwan ng sakit ng Daddy sa kaniya para lang balewalain niya ako at ipilit sa mga bagay na gusto niya para sa kinabukasan ko.

Paano naman ang gusto ko?

What about my dreams?

What about my pain?

Ang sakit noong namulat ako sa reyalidad na wala akong ama—hindi katulad ng iba. And it hurts even more knowing that when I lost my father, I lost my mother too.

But there's a big difference between the two losses. Daddy is gone. I don't know where he is, or if I'll ever see him again. But my mother? She's still here. Breathing. Living under the same roof. Yet I've never felt her presence. Not really.

She reminds me of a makahiya. The kind of plant that curls up when touched. But unlike the makahiya, she doesn't curl up out of shyness…

She draws back because she doesn't want me. Because she’s ashamed of me.

I see it in her eyes... disgust.

Every time I try to hold her hand, every time I inch closer, she recoils. As if being my mother is a curse she never asked for. She keeps her distance like I'm a stranger in her own home. And that…

That's the kind of pain no one ever prepares you for.

Hinihingal na napatigil ako sa kakatakbo. Uminom ako ng tubig. Deciding to take a break, I sat on a nearby bench. I sighed and closed my eyes as the wind began to gently embrace me. The fresh air in the park was calming. When I gradually opened my eyes, I looked around. Some people were jogging, while a couple strolled hand in hand, their gazes locked on each other. Nearby, a parent bonded with their children, who were running playfully while being chased.

I noticed a couple sitting on a bench; the girl was pregnant, and I couldn’t help but smile when the guy knelt and kissed his wife's womb.

My gaze shifted as a bitter taste began to linger on my tongue. I observed those who walked alone—like me. I couldn't help but wonder about the stories of the many people around me. Some were solitary, while others had companions.

Each person in the plaza seemed to be fighting their struggles. Silent battles are known only to them. They carried invisible burdens on their backs. It dawned on me that peace often feels elusive in this chaotic society and cruel world.

Tumayo ako, naisipan kong magsimulang mag-jogging ulit. Ngunit sa kalagitnaan ng pagtatakbo ko. An old man caught my attention. Our eyes locked, bahagyang napaawang ang labi ko nang mapansin ang asul na mga mata nito katulad ko. Dahil magkasalubungan lang kami, bigla niya akong nabangga bago pa man ako napatigil.

Ngunit kahit na ganoon, hindi siya tumigil sa pagtakbo at humingi man lang ng paumanhin sa akin. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin. But my eyes caught a bracelet on the floor that was made of beads. Kaagad kong pinulot iyon at naisip ang matandang lalaki. I decided to follow the old man.

"Manong! Sandali lang po!" I tried to call him but he didn't stop running.

Kaya naman ay wala akong magawa kung hindi ay ang sundan siya. Napansin ko kanina na may suot na airpods ang matanda kaya siguro ay hindi niya ako narinig. My eyebrows furrowed when I noticed that he went into the alley where there weren't really any people. Noong una'y nagdadalawang-isip ako kung susundan ko ba siya o hindi, ngunit sa huli ay nanaig pa rin ang kagustuhan kong ibalik ang bracelet niya.

Tahimik ang eskinita. Tanging ang marahan kong paghinga at ang tunog ng sapatos kong tumatama sa semento ang bumabasag sa katahimikan. I kept walking, even though I have no idea where I am anymore.

My eyebrows furrowed when I heard a weird noise somewhere. Napahinto ako pagtakbo. Habang papalapit na papalapit ang pinagmulan ng kakaibang ingay na iyon ay mas lalong bumabagal ang bawat hakbang ko. Maya-maya pa'y mas lalong luminaw sa akin ang kakaibang ingay na iyon. I heard a girl's moan, it's not like she's in pain but pleasure.

Hindi na ako inosente para rito. I admittedly watched p**n and read bed scenes, pamilyar na sa akin ang kakaibang ingay na iyon. Familiar on my hearing but never felt it and never experienced it.

I’m not the kind of person who eavesdrops or peeks, but my curiosity is killing me. Unti-unti akong sumilip. My lips parted and my eyes widened, flabbergasted by what I was witnessing. It was my first time seeing two people engaged in sexual stuff. Although they weren't fully naked, I wasn't innocent enough to not know what they were doing.

The woman was pinned in the wall, her hands snaked at the guy's neck tightly and her legs were wrapping at the waist of the guy. Her boobs were exposed, nakaangat lamang ang T-shirt niya. Sumusobsob ang mukha ng lalaki roon. The guy kept pushing her up and down relentlessly, I could hear their soft panting and moans. Hindi kita ang pagpasok ng armas ng lalaki dahil bahagyang nakaangat lamang ang palda ng babae. Ngunit rinig na rinig pa ang pagsalpukan ng katawan nila sa isa't isa. They were both enjoying their own pleasure, while they didn't have any idea that I was peeking at their sexual activity.

Ganito na ba talaga sila kalibog? This is a public area although walang taong dumadaan. But there are still a few people who pass by here!

Paano kung makakakita sa kanila? Are they thinking or completely losing their minds because of too much pleasure and slave to their own libido? If I were there, I wouldn't do that!

Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang uminit ang batok ko habang sinisilip sila. I saw how the girl almost rolled her eyes and lips parted, while the guy paced became faster than earlier.

Habang pinapanood sila, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Ni hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko. I want to run and give them privacy but my curiosity burned within me, wondering what would happen if they both reach the climax.

Sabi nila, iyon daw ang pinakamasarap na parte sa p********k... iyong pareho ninyong maabot ang tuktok.

"What are you doing here?" Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang marinig ang boses ng lalaki sa aking likuran. His voice was deep and firm but kinda attractive kahit hindi mo tingnan ang mukha.

I slowly shift my gaze behind me. Nawala sa isip ko ang sinisilip ko sa nakikipagchukchakan.

Nang lingunin ko ang pinagmulan ng boses na iyon. My world feels like starting to slow motion, exactly what I saw in the movie when they experience love at first sight. My lips parted while looking at his features. Parang hindi jinoke ng Taas iyong paggawa sa kaniya o magaling lang talaga gumawa ang mga magulang niya kaya nakagawa ng ganiyan kagwapong mukha. I admit that Aiden and him are both attractive and freaking handsome in different ways.

His almond-shaped eyes caught mine. He has thick brows and a perfect, soft jawline. Because of his oval-shapes face ay mukha siyang possessive CEO o mafia boss kung titigan. He also has natural kissable lips. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko, feels like his lips trying to seduce me without even trying.

Nakataas ang kilay niya, siguro ay hinihintay ang sagot ko sa kaniya. I opened my mouth but none came out, even a single word. Natameme ako. Posible palang matameme ng ganito kapag ganito kagwapo ang kaharap mo, 'no?

I didn't do sexual stuff but I'm almost losing my mind looking at him.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?" tumigas ang boses niya lalo. Inulit niya lang ang tanong, pero this time ay tinagalog niya na. Halata naman, 'di ba?

"U-uh... k-kasi may nakita akong nag-aano..." I couldn't tell him properly what I saw.

"What?" he looks confused. Bahagya pang nakataas ang perpektong guhit ng kilay niya. Mukha siyang suplado habang tinitingnan ako. Pakiramdam ko ay parang kinikiliti ang sikmura ko sa tipo ng titig niya sa akin.

"M-may nakikipagbembangan," sagot ko naman. He looks even more confused, it seems the new word is foreign to hear.

"Bembangan?" What? He doesn't know what it means? Ilang taon na ba siya? Hindi siya aware sa uso?

Kiffy ba alam niya?

"Sex," walang prenong wika ko.

Nangunot ang noo niya. I licked my lower lips, I saw how his eyes dropped on it. He swallowed hard and looked away.

"What do you mean?"

Sinilip ko ang dalawang tao kanina. To my surprise, they weren't there anymore. Saan sila nagpunta? Narinig ba nila kami kaya tumakas? Ganoon lang ba kabilis matapos sila?! O nabitin pa?

"I'm asking you," inip na wika ng lalaki sa harapan ko.

"N-nasaan na sila?"

"Huh?" Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. His suplado look makes him more attractive to my eyes even more.

Nababaliw na 'ata ako.

"Iyong kanina rito... i-iyong nagbebembangan. Tapos na ba sila?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"May nag-aano nga rito kanina?"

"What are you doing here?" he asked once again. Nalikot ang mga mata ko. Ano nga pinunta ko rito?

Oh, great! I almost forgot the old man that was following. He's now gone, I was also distracted by the two couples or fuck buddies who are doing sexual stuff.

Napatingin ako sa bracelet na hawak-hawak ko. Paano ko ibanalik 'to ngayon? I don't know where the old man lives.

"Are you listening, young lady?" What did she say? Young lady?

"M-may sinusundan lang ako rito. I was about to give this bracelet back to the old man. Nagkabanggaan kasi kami kanina. Hinabol ko siya tapos napadpad ako rito. Hindi ko na siya nakita pa."

"Where is he now?" he asked. His expression looked suspicious, like he was doubting my reason. Na para bang hindi siya naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Edi huwag siyang maniwala! Pinipilit ko ba siya? Pasalamat siya't crush ko siya, kung hindi ay kanina ko pa siya tinalikuran kapag wala akong pakialam sa kaniya.

"H-hindi ko na alam. Bigla kasing nawala na."

"Are you sure that he came here? Alam mo bang walang masyadong pumupunta rito? This place has become the hide-out of those people who want to do something bad."

"Like what?" I asked curiously. Like what I saw earlier?

"I don't need to tell you that. I know that you already know what I mean. I don't need to mention those... bad."

"Don't tell me you also do that. That's why you know the bad things that people are doing in this place, huh?"

"If I do that because I know what a bad means is... you also do that, then?"

"What? The heck, no! Ni wala nga akong ideya na may nagbebembangan pala rito, e'. Malay ko ba na rito pala ang hide out ng may mga maduming utak at nabulungan ng demonyo! At saka, it's my first time being here!"

He licked his lower lips. Napapikit siya ng mariin na para bang may sinabi ako na hindi niya nagustuhan. When our eyes met, my knees almost melted. His eyes are intimidating. He can make me kneel down without even trying. Pero syempre, hindi ko gagawin iyon!

"It's dangerous here. You are not supposed to be here."

"Malay ko ba na delikado pala rito! Again, it's my first here. If I know that it's dangerous here, I won't be here."

"Now you know, learn from your lesson," he seriously said. Para siyang professor namin na pinapa-realize sa aming mga estudyante ang pagkakamali at natutuhan namin.

"You, what are you doing here?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Ikaw nga tinanong ako, eh. Tapos ako bawal magtanong? That's so unfair!"

"Do I tell you to respond to my question?"

Umangat ang sulok ng labi ko nang may naisip. "Are you also meeting someone else here? That's, very very super cheap! Why don't you two take a hotel room or a cheap room in a cheap place to make it less cheap kapag tingnan kayong dalawa? At least you two have privacy, not like in this place. This is not a proper place to spill out your libido."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he bursted out. He looked flabbergasted sa mga lumalabas bibig ko.

"I was fucking talking about fucking sex, isn't obvious?" Umigting ang panga niya sa sinabi ko.

"It's not good seeing a kid cursing, young lady." What the fuck!

"I'm not a kid! Dalaga na ako."

"Go home now. It's not safe here."

"Ikaw?"

"Walk first, I'll follow you behind."

"Huh? Eh, ano'ng pinunta mo rito kung ganoon? Don't tell me that you're here because you are also peeking? Enjoy na enjoy, e, 'no? Sabagay, medyo nag-enjoy din ako. Iyon nga lang medyo nakakakaba kapag mahuli," panunukso ko sa kaniya.

He looked so pissed at my accusation. His eyebrows furrowed even more. I don't understand why I found him hot and handsome even though he looks grumpy. Suplado! Halikan kita riyan, eh.

What's his name? I want to know his name. Sayang, medyo hindi pa maganda ang unang encounter namin. Sisiguraduhin ko sa sunod na encounter naming dalawa ay maganda na.

"My Tito is a tanod. He was assigned to watch in this area. He asked me to check here. Suwayin ang dapat na suwayin."

"Wala ka rin bang balak na suwayin iyong nag-aano rito kanina?"

"Where are they, then? If I saw them ay susuwayin ko rin sila. This is not a proper place to do those things. Whatever it is."

"Well, I didn't know. They are fast! Lumingon lang ako saglit ay nawala na agad sila." But they look familiar to me. They seem like students.

Ganito ba libangan nila kapag summer?

"We should have to go right now." We? Ibig sabihin kaming dalawa? Napangiti ako ng malapad. I have time to know his name at kilalanin pa siya lalo.

"Hindi ka na ba maglilibot-libot dito? May daanan pa roon, oh. Malay mo baka may mahuli ka pa," I said half-heartedly. He still has a business to do, I don't want to be selfish with my crush.

Napatingin siya sa itinuro. Malalim ang titig niya roon na para bang pinag-iisipan niyang mabuti kung pupunta ba siya roon o hindi na. He tilted his head and looked at me. Tumagal ang tingin niya sa asul kong mga mata.

I can't blame him, though. Many people say that my eyes can really catch people's attention. They say my eyes feel hypnotizing when I look at them. I couldn't help but agree because when I saw myself in the mirror, when I looked into my blue eyes... I felt like I was drowning in the ocean.

They weren't just blue. They were the kind of blue that seemed to shift depending on the light, like the surface of the sea under a changing sky. Sometimes, they were the color of a calm, cloudless morning; other times, they deepened into the dark, endless shade of twilight waves.

It's rare to find a blue here in the Philippines. Pero mas rare ang meadow na kulay sa mga mata ni Aiden. Kaya kami siguro close na dalawa dahil parehas kaming may kakaibang mga mata.

"No, ihahatid kita patungong kalsada," sabi niya sa akin sabay iwas ng tingin.

"Talaga? Babalik ka rin ba dito pagkatapos?"

"No, my Tito will take care of this later. Come on, hatid na kita."

"Okay," sabi ko, ngingiti-ngiti pa sa kaniya.

"Walk first. I'll follow you behind." Gentleman din pala si crush!

Hindi mawala ang ngiti ko nang tumabi siya para bigyan ako ng espasyo upang mauna akong maglakad. Sinunod ko ang sinabi niya.

While walking, he was following behind me. I could feel his stare behind me. I confidently walked, letting my long hair fall behind me. Kapag mabagal ang paglalakad ko ay mabagal din ang lakad niya sa likuran ko. I know that he could easily pass me or match my pace because of his long legs. But he chose to follow behind me so that he could watch over me, making sure I'm safe with every step.

O baka nagkamali lang ako or nasobrahan sa pagiging assuming? Aiden is also like this, he doesn't let me walk behind him. I always walk first and he follows me behind.

Napasimangot ako nang mapagtanto na palapit na kami sa plaza. I want to bring back the time. Sana tinagalan ko ang pag-uusap sa kaniya. Nakakainis!

"What's your name?" I asked. We stopped on the bench. Nakita ko ang pag-igting ng panga niya sa tanong ko. He looked even pissed.

What? Ayaw niya bang makilala ko siya? I met a lot of boys, and it's my first time that I was the one who made a first move to ask for his name. Damn it! He should be thankful that he caught my attention. Maraming lalaki ang nagkakandarapa para lang malaman ang pangalan ko.

Now, if he doesn't want me to know his name. Clearly, he's not interested in me. The hell I care, anyway! Wala akong pakialam kung hindi siya interesado sa akin, basta ako ay interesado sa kaniya!

It's boring when boys are the ones chasing me. This time, I want to flip the world. I'll be the one chasing after a guy. Let's see if this guy will take the bait. Let's see how far his stubbornness will take him against me.

"You don't have to know my name," he said coldly. His voice was as cold as the ice in our freezer.

"Why? Do you want me to introduce myself first? Let me do the honors. I am Ca—"

"Catalina Ramirez," he uttered slowly.