Drowning in the Ocean (Drowning Series #1)

CHAPTER 1: PROMISE

I know love exists because the word exists, but perhaps it was never meant for me.

There are different kinds of love na hinahanap mo. Pagmamahal sa mga kaibigan mo o kasintahan mo. Pero sa ngayon, ibang pagmamahal ang hinahanap ko...

As a child, I wished for a father by my side. Like the ones I saw in movies, like the ones I witnessed in real life. Fathers and daughters, bound by laughter and quiet moments of care. Each time I saw their bond, bitterness grew roots inside me.

May mga bagay talaga sa buhay na gusto natin pero hindi ibinibigay sa atin. There are also things we don't want, but they come to us anyway.

Just like a child longing for a father's care or a child who doesn't want a father because of reasons like abuse or disappointment. Hindi lahat ng gusto natin ay makukuha natin, at hindi rin lahat ng ayaw natin ay maiiwasan natin.

Katulad ko, ayokong lumaki ng walang ama. Pero lumaki at nakaya ko na walang nagtayong ama sa buhay ko. It's just me and my mom.

That's just life. It's up to us whether we'll accept it and move forward or let ourselves drown in pain.

The pain I feel isn't new anymore. Parang bahagi na ito ng pagkatao ko mula pa noong bata ako. I've been carrying it since the days I longed for a father's presence and my mother's attention.

My mom found comfort in gambling. Ito ang naging paraan niya para maibsan ang sakit niya, pero kalaunan, ito rin ang naging bisyo niya.

Sometimes, when we're searching for something to ease our pain, we overdo it. We convince ourselves it helps, but in truth, it slowly consumes us and the people around us. Instead of solving our problems, it only makes them worse.

Pero hindi iyon napansin ni Mommy. She never realized it... not even once.

Sometimes, I wonder if she ever felt the weight of her choices, or if she just buried her regrets under the sound of dice and shuffling cards. Gusto ko siyang hilahin pabalik, sabihing hindi niya kailangang magpatuloy sa ganitong paraan. But I was just a kid back then. Ano ba'ng magagawa ng salita ko para mapatigil siya?

Now, as I face my own battles, I've learned one important thing: no addiction or escape can truly fix what's broken inside. Ang tunay na paggaling, nagsisimula sa sarili, kahit gaano pa kabigat ang buhay. I just wish my mom had seen that before everything got worse.

"Catalina! Ano ba ang tagal mong lumabas!" Napairap ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Aiden sa labas.

Lumabas ako sa banyo ng nakatapis. Nadatnan ko si Aiden na nakaupo sa couch. Nang makita ako, bahagya pa itong sumipol kaya naman lalo akong napairap.

"Naks naman, baka best friend ko iyan!" puri niya, sabay palakpak. I can't help but to rolled my eyes again.

Aiden and I are always like this. Walang malisya sa amin ang mga ganito. He's always welcome at our house o kahit sa bahay man niya. Kung minsan nga nadadatnan ko rin siyang nakatapis, half-naked in front of me. Sa ganitong edad, kung minsan nga tabi pa kami matulog. We're just so comfortable with each other.

We're childhood best friends, and I can confidently say that our relationship is purely platonic. Siya ang kaagapay ko sa lahat, he is always there for me whether I need him or not.

Nalulungkot tuloy ako kapag maiisip ko kung paano kaya kapag magka-girlfriend na siya. Buong buhay ko kasi nasanay ako sa atensyon ni Aiden na binibigay niya sa akin. Oo, nawala siya ng ilang taon but our communication didn't stop there. He's busy, but he always finds a way to talk to me. Listened to my rants, chikas, at mga ganap sa buhay ko.

Napatingin ako sa kama, nakapatong na roon ang uniform ko at sando. Even my underwear was already there, alam ko na agad kung sino ang naglagay no'n. Aiden knows that I don't wear a bra because I'm not used to it, kaya sando na lang ang nilagay niya roon.

Sometimes, he even scolds me when I go out without wearing a bra. Kaya as much as possible, sa bawat lakad ko ay kasama talaga siya. Kung hindi ko siya kasama, sinusumbong niya ako kay Mommy. Ang rason niya para raw may poprotekta sa akin.

Kinuha ko ang mga gamit sa kama. Pumasok ako sa banyo pero bago ko pa  tuluyang isara ang pinto may pahabol pa si Aiden.

"You're not going to change in front of me?" His chuckle echoed in my room. Kung hindi ko lang talaga siya kilala, kanina pa siya napalayas dito sa kwarto ko. At kung may girlfriend man siya ay baka kanina pa magselos sa kaniya ang girlfriend niya.

"I'll tell your future girlfriend about this!" I shouted and slammed the door.

"You are my girl friend, mooanbeam!" narinig ko pang sigaw niya sa labas. Hindi ko na lamang siya pinansin at isinuot ko na uniform ko. He loves to call me 'moonbeam,' paborito niya raw iyong endearment sa akin.

Pagkatapos kong magbihis ay humarap ako sa maliit na salamin dito sa banyo. I was watching myself in the mirror, my posture relaxed yet carrying an unspoken elegance. My waist-length hair cascaded around me, its smooth strands shining faintly as they framed the soft curve of my cheeks. Kahit hindi ko na suklayin ang buhok ko ay bagsak na bagsak pa rin itong tingnan. It flowed freely down my back, a dark, silken curtain that seemed to move with even the slightest shift of my head.

My blue eyes, monolid in shape, stared back at me. Nagmana raw ito sa Daddy ko, sabi ni Mommy. My Daddy is a British man while my Mom is a pure Filipina. The delicate sweep of my lashes, though not overly thick, gave them a gentle frame. I leaned closer, noticing the way my lower lip appeared heavier than the upper. It looked as though it could easily curve into a smile, kahit hindi man ako nakangiti ngayon.

There was a quiet harmony in the way everything fit together, my smooth jawline, the soft contours of my cheeks, and the elegance of my features. My reflection wasn't flashy or loud, but it held a beauty I couldn't help but notice, a beauty that was entirely mine.

I've always had a bit of a curve to my shape, with my waist narrowing neatly above my hips. My shoulders are slender, giving way to fuller curves below, especially around my hips and thighs. I can always count on my waist to stand out, the way it pulls in before my hips flare out, giving me that classic, feminine silhouette.

Dati, insecure ako sa katawan ko, lalo na't malaki ang balakang at hita ko, pero hindi naman pangit tingnan kasi nababagay naman sa katawan ko, especially the noticeable curve on my backside that catches the eye. I suppose you could say I have the shape of a pear.

But over time, I've come to appreciate the shape I'm in. It's funny how the things we once saw as flaws can turn into the features that define us and I've learned to embrace that.

Nang matapos kong ayusin ang sarili ko. Lumabas ako, nadatnan ko si Aiden na nakapikit at bahagyang naka-cross ang braso sa kakahintay sa akin.

I didn't mind him at umupo sa harap na lang. I startled when Aiden suddenly spoke.

"May gig kayo ngayon? Anong oras? Pupunta ako, cheer kita," wika ni Aiden habang nakaupo ako sa harap ng vanity mirror, pinapatuyo ko ang buhok ko gamit ang dry blower.

Napatingin ako sa repleksyon niya sa salamin. When our eyes met, he smirked.

His face had this effortless charm, the kind that made it hard to look away. His jawline was sharp, perfectly carved, and his cheekbones caught the light just enough to make them stand out. He has a meadow eyes, na napakaganda talagang tingnan that added an intensity to his gaze. He has dark and long hair, parang hindi naman sinadyang ayusin pero sobrang ayos pa rin tingnan. And then there was that little mole near his lower, heart-shaped lips. Subtle but impossible not to notice.

Kaya madaldal 'to kasi may nunal sa ilalim ng labi.

Aiden had a playboy vibe, lalo na't may hikaw siya sa tainga at mahaba ang buhok nito. Pero kahit ganoon, hindi siya mukhang cheap. It was like everything about him screamed confidence and charm, but there was also this softness to him, something that made you think twice about labeling him. He wasn't just someone you'd notice, he was someone you couldn't forget.

"After class," simpleng sagot ko sa kaniya.

"Your mother would be mad if she finds out about this," he said, his tone suddenly serious.

"Isusumbong mo 'ko?" tanong ko, nakangiti. Of course, alam kong hindi niya magagawa iyon.

Natawa siya't umiling. "That's what you love to do and dream about, moonbeam. Hindi ko ipagkakaila 'yan sa 'yo. As long as your dream doesn't hurt anyone, I won't mind if you don't obey your mother." Napabuntong-hininga ako. Somehow, his words were soothing me.

My mom doesn't want me to join a band. She wants me to pursue sports like her, something she wasn't able to achieve as an athlete when she was young dahil nabuntis agad sa akin. Kaya nga minsan napagkakamalan kaming magkapatid. Pero hindi ako mahilig sa sports, wala akong alam sa mga ganoong bagay. I tried once, but I wasn't happy. It's fun, alright, pero iba ang hinahanap ng katawan ko.

I dream of skillfully holding drumsticks and bringing a drum to life with rhythmic beats. I have mastered many instruments, but I always choose the drumsticks and my drums over them. I love the loudness when my heart feels empty, cold, and silent. Gusto kong marinig ang lagabog ng tunog ng drum. Pakiramdam ko, sa bawat hampas ko, doon ko nailalabas lahat ng sama ng loob na nararamdaman ko... ang lahat ng mga gusto kong sabihin sa mundo.

The drum is more than an instrument to me, it's my voice when words fail. It captures my emotions, from anger to joy, and gives me a way to release what I cannot say. Through the rhythm I create, I find peace.

The drums remind me that even in chaos, there is beauty and power in finding your beat.

Every beat of the drum feels like a heartbeat, like my soul speaking its truth. It's where I feel most alive and free. I understand that my mom only wants the best for me, but how can I give my all to something that doesn't ignite my passion? Hindi ko kayang ipagpalit ang musika na nagbibigay-kulay sa buhay ko. I wish she could see how much joy and purpose the drums bring me. Maybe someday, she'll understand that this is my calling, my own way of fulfilling a dream... one beat at a time.

Napatingin ako kay Aiden. He was still looking at me. He is wearing a complete uniform and ID.

Ano'ng nakain nito bakit biglang nag-complete uniform?

"What?" tanong nito nang mapansing titig na titig ako sa kaniya.

"You're wearing a school uniform?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko.

"Ugh... Rebecca forced me," biglang nalukot ang mukha niya. Ang tinutukoy niya ay ang Mommy niya.

"So, how's your relationship with your mother?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

Alam ko kasing hindi maganda ang pakikitungo niya sa ina niya. I can't blame him, though. He has his reasons, and I can't judge him for why he seems angry at the world. And who am I to judge him?

He doesn't even believe in God.

He's an atheist, while I am not.

But sometimes, there's a part of me that doubts the existence of God. Pero sa tuwing naiisip ko ang huni ng mga ibon, hampas ng alon, at ang bughaw na kalangitan... then I remember God, the creature of everything.

It's strange... how the beauty of the world can make me feel His presence even when my doubts creep in. I know I'm not perfect in my faith, and I still question things sometimes, but the world itself seems like proof that something bigger than us exists. It's in the small things... the morning sun, the breeze, the endless sky that I find a quiet reassurance.

My glance turned to Aiden again. I understand his pain, his struggles with faith and life. I don't know how it feels to be where he is, but I know that doubt doesn't make someone less of a person. Maybe, in time, he'll find his own path, just as I'm finding mine.

But for now, I hold onto what I believe, even if it's not always clear. Maybe faith is like that, something that grows in moments of doubt, strengthened by the quiet beauty of the world around us.

"Papasok pa tayo, moonbeam?" I frowned nang marinig ko ang tanong niya. I know, he was trying to change our conversation.

I smell something bad influence again.

"Of course, Aiden. May quizzes tayo sa apat na subjects at isang performance task sa letcheng PE." Nakita ko ang pag-irap niya, I laughed at his reaction.

"May bagong open na beach resort doon sa kabilang baryo. Try sana natin doon, para naman makapag-relax tayo. After that, pupunta tayo sa gig mo. Sa kabilang resort lang din naman ang pupuntahan mong gig, 'di ba?" Ako naman ngayon ang napairap. Kapag talaga sa cutting classes ang daming alam, pati ako nadadamay sa kalokohan niya.

Pero kahit magkayayaan kami ng cutting classes. He is always there for me, protecting me. Kumbaga, kargo niya ako kahit ano'ng mangyari. Kaso bawal akong mag-cutting classes kapag hindi siya ang kasama ko. Hindi rin siya nag-ka-cutting classes kapag hindi rin ako ang kasama niya.

Before we decided not to go to school, everything was planned. Preparado na ang lahat, gamit na lang ang kulang. Kaya lagi talaga akong may baon na bikini o 'di kaya'y dress.

What a bad influence!

"Sunod na lang iyan! Ba't hindi na lang tayo magbagong buhay?" Agad siyang natawa sa sinabi ko na para bang may nakakatawa roon. Sinamaan ko agad siya ng tingin.

Lumapit siya sa akin. Kinuha niya ang blower sa buhok ko at siya na ang gumawa roon. Hinayaan ko na lang siya.

"My friend, moonbeam, malapit na tayong grumaduate. Ngayon mo pa talaga naisip iyan?" Iniripan ko siya. Totoo naman kasi, apat na buwan na lang graduate na kami ng Senior High School.

What course should I pursue then?

There's an agency that recommended our team for a band to join their company. Sabi nila kung hindi raw papayag ang mga kasama ko, I can go alone. Besides, I can do anything, sing and play instruments.

Pero bahagi rin ako ng SSG (Supreme Student Government) sa school namin. Sumali ako sa mga voluntary advocacy activities kapag may mga ganitong programa. Tinutulungan namin ang mga tao sa komunidad, nagsusulong kami ng mga adbokasiya, nagkakaroon kami ng tree planting, at minsan, nag-eexplore din kami.

Because I believe that people help people.

There's a part of me that I want to pursue Social Work.

Considering these two paths— the music industry and community service... I'm torn. Both are things I deeply care about, but I don't know which one will be the right fit for me in the future. Music gives me a sense of freedom and joy, but my heart also finds fulfillment in helping others and making a difference in the community.

I guess it's about finding balance, maybe pursuing a course that allows me to keep both passions alive. Maybe something that blends creativity and service, like social work, music therapy, or even community development.

Whatever I choose, I know that helping people will always be a priority, and I want my future to reflect that.

"Alam mo na ba ang kursong kukunin mo?" tanong ko kay Aiden habang abala siya sa pagpapatuyo ng buhok ko. Kinuha niya ang suklay ko sa tukador at sinuklayan ang mahaba kong buhok.

"Kung ano'ng kurso ang gusto mo, ganoon din ako." I rolled my eyes again. Heto na naman po siya.

"Aiden, dapat meron kang kurso na sa 'yo. Hindi iyong parang buntot ka na lang na sunod ng sunod sa akin. Kaya tayo napagkakamalang magjowa, eh." He pouted.

Alam ko talaga ay may gustong kurso siyang kukunin. Ayaw niya lang talagang iwan niya ako. Mas matanda si Aiden sa akin ng apat na taon. Pero dahil na rin sa mga nangyayari sa pamilya niya ay naapektuhan ang kaniyang pag-aaral.

"Moonbeam, I promised you that I'll go with you whatever you go. Kung saan ka mag-aaral dapat doon din ako, 'di ba?" Bigla kong naalala na dapat sana hindi kami magkaklase ngayon. Pero first day of school pa lang kinompronta niya agad ang advicer niya na lilipat sa section ko. Kung hindi siya ipapalipat, ako ang ililipat sa kaniya. Pero dahil bakla ang adviser at halata namang type siya. Kinausap nito ang advicer ko na kukunin niya ako at ililipat sa section nila. Iyon tuloy, dumagdag ang sakit ng ulo niya.

Mas matanda si Aiden sa akin ng dalawang taon, but there's a circumstances happened dahilan para tumigil siya sa pag-aaral pero nagpatuloy ulit.

"Okay. Break the promise, then. You should pursue kung ano ang kurso na gusto mo, Aiden. Ang kursong kinukuha mo, it's like your life. Once you choose it, there's no turning back in time." Totoo naman kasi.

The path you take will shape your future. Hindi madaling magbago ng direksyon once you've committed to it, kaya't mahalaga na siguradong-sigurado ka sa desisyon mo. Pero at the same time, it's not the end of the world if you make a mistake.

Life will still find a way to lead you to the right place.

"I never broke a promise, Cat. I hate broken promises, you know that." I can sense the bitterness in his voice. I sighed defeatedly.

Oo, nga. Tama naman. Aiden never broke his promises, even once. Wala akong naisip na may pangako siya sa akin na pinako niya. Kaya nga hindi ako nangangako sa kaniya minsan dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na baka hindi ko rin matupad iyon. Dagdag pa sa trust issue niya iyon sa ibang tao kapag gagawin ko iyon. Sapat na sa kaniya ang oo at hindi na sagot, o hindi ako sigurado. Basta huwag lang mangako kapag hindi mo naman tutuparin.

I didn't want to be the one who failed him. Maybe... just maybe, I could make an exception this time, though I wasn't sure if I was ready to make a promise I might break.

"Bahala ka riyan. Basta, walang sisihan sa huli, ah," sabi ko sa kaniya. Inagaw ko ang suklay at ibinalik sa tukador. Tumayo ako at hinarap siya. "Pero hindi ba mas masaya kapag pangarap mo ang piliin mo? Huwag mong sabihin na ako ang pangarap mo?" biro ko sa kaniya.

"Hindi pa ako sigurado kung ano ang gusto o pangarap ko. Sa ngayon, pwedeng ikaw na lang muna," wika niya, sabay kindat.

Tinalikuran ko siya at kinuha ko ang bag ko. "Halika na, mahuhuli na tayo!" yaya ko sa kaniya.

Lumapit naman siya sa akin at kinuha ang bag na hawak ko. Hinayaan ko na lang siya nang mauna na siyang lumabas ng kwarto ko. Pagsara ko ng pinto, I smelled his manly perfume that filled my room. Parang nandiyan pa siya, kahit nawala na. The scent hung in the air, and I couldn’t help but notice it.

"My, alis na po kami ni Aiden," wika ko Mommy nang makita ko siya sa sala namin na nagsusugal kasama ang mga kaibigan niya na palagi niyang kalaban sa pagmamajong.

"Tita, alis na kami," paalam din ni Aiden kay Mommy. I glanced at him, napairap ako nang makita kung paano niya hawakan ang bag ko. He was carrying my bag with one hand behind his back.

"Oh, Aiden. Bantayan mo iyang mabuti ang anak ko, ah. Huwag mong palapitin sa kaniya ang masamang impluwensiya." Palihim akong napairap.

Ang masamang impluwensiya ay nasa tabi ko lang po, Mommy.

"Opo, Tita! Ako po ang bahala rito sa anak mo. Bantay-sarado po ito sa akin!" Ngising asong wika ni Aiden, sabay lingon sa akin. I can't help but to make a face in front of him, he chuckled.

"Catalina! No music allowed, understand? Ano pala ang sports na sinasalihan mo ngayon?" Nanlumo ako. Bakit ba ang hindi nila naabot noon ay dapat maabot ng mga anak nila?

I have my own dreams, it is my life. Sila lang ang magluwal sa akin pero ako pa rin ang dedesisyon sa bagay na gusto kong gawin. But I have no right to say that, kasi nga anak lang kami. Dapat magulang palagi ang masusunod.

But even so, I couldn't shake off the feeling that my choices were being limited. She wanted the best for me, but it was hard to see it that way when she didn't understand my passion. I wanted to shout, to tell my mom that I had my own path to follow, but I stayed quiet instead, biting my tongue. After all, she is my mother, and she thought she knew what was best.

"Badminton po, Mommy," sagot ko at hindi sinagot ang isa niya pang sinabi. I love music!

"Badminton? Why don't you try volleyball, basketball, or football instead?" I lost my words. I'm not really at sports. Kahit badminton nga hirap na hirap ako, ganoon pa kaya? Minsan nga tumatama pa sa noo ko ang shuttle cock, eh.

Ganito ba talaga kapag hindi mo bet ang ginagawa mo? Parang lampa ka.

"Tita, alam mo namang mabilis pagpawisan at mahapo itong si Catalina. Baka po maubo siya at mahimatay," singit ni Aiden, sabay akbay sa akin. Alam kong nililigtas niya lang ako kay Mommy.

Well, he always like this. He always saves my ass.

"Pag-uwi mo na lang Catalina, pag-usapan natin iyan ng masinsinan," mahinahon ngunit madiing wika ni Mommy, habang nakatutok pa rin ang mga mata sa laro.

"Ang ganda naman ng anak mo, Madame," narinig kong wika pa ng babaeng kasama niya sa laro.

"Kapag may ganiyan din ako kagandang anak, hindi ko hahayaang may lalapit sa kaniya na lalaki. Kaso ang anak ko, naku, kapag ganiyan siguro ang mukha, buntis na iyon. Buti na lang may itsura siya kaya walang masyadong lumalapit sa kaniya na isa," singit pa ng isa.

Siniko ko si Aiden. "The gig," I whispered, he nodded understandingly.

"Tita, baka ho medyo gabihin kami ni Cat. Mag-pa-practice pa siya sa badminton mamaya. Ihahatid ko lang po siya rito sa bahay ninyo," pagsisinungaling ni Aiden. Alam niya kasing hindi ko kayang magsinungaling, lalo na kapag si Mommy ang kaharap ko. Nakita kong tumango si Mommy pero tutok na tutok pa rin ito sa laro. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung narinig niya iyon o hindi.

I glanced at Aiden, he shrugged. "Halika na nga, baka narinig niya. Busy si Tita, baka mamalas pa iyan at pati ikaw pagbuntungan niya na naman." Napatango naman ako at sumunod sa kaniya na nauna nang maglakad.

Kainis ang lalaking 'to, 'di porket mahaba ang biyas niya!

Nang makalabas kami ng bahay, Aiden opened the car door for me. Agad naman akong pumasok doon, sanay na ako na ganito siya. He's always like this, I always receive princess treatment from him. Kaya nga, every time I think that he might have a girlfriend, there's something that pinches within my heart. Iba na kasi kapag may girlfriend na siya, syempre siya na ang magiging priority niya. As a childhood best friend, there are boundaries that should exist, even though I've known him longer than his potential girlfriend.

I've always been his go-to person, and I can't help but feel like things will change once he's in a relationship. I've always been there for him, but what if his girlfriend starts to take that place? It's not that I want him all to myself, but I guess I'm just afraid of losing the special bond we have. I don't know if it's jealousy, or just the thought of things changing that makes my heart uneasy.

I know it's inevitable. Relationships are a part of life, and I should be happy for him. But sometimes, I wonder if I'm ready for that shift. I've always been a priority, but soon, I'll have to find my own place in his life too.

Napabuntong-hininga ako sa naisip ko. Aiden noticed it and suddenly glanced at me. His eyebrows furrowed, and his eyes seemed to question me.

"Naisip ko lang, paano kaya kapag may girlfriend ka na?" Hindi siya agad nakasagot, kaya akala ko wala na siyang balak sumagot.

But after a long silence, he suddenly spoke.

"If that's the case, maybe we should put a line between us. Especially when you get a boyfriend too," seryosong wika niya. Napatango naman ako.

Hindi ko namalayang huminto na pala ang kotse sa harap ng paaralan namin. Bago kami bumaba ng kotse ay may sinabi siya.

A promise that I know will never be broken.

"But let's promise this..." Humarap siya sa akin nang nakangiti. "Once we reach thirty and we still don't have a partner or spouse, let's get married, moonbeam."