Chapter 2: Grief

The sun rising as the sky gets bright allows light to pass through the curtain. Still on my bed, thinking how it went wrong when our love was perfectly fine. 

Ibinuhos ko lahat ng sakit ng loob sa kwarto ko. Iniisip ang nangyari kahapon. wala akong maramdaman kundi ang kawalan ng laman sa puso ko. Wala akong ideya kung bakit niya ginawa sa akin iyon.

I can say that our relationship has been good for the past five years that we've been together. What have I done wrong?

Binigay ko na lahat pero hindi pa rin sapat.

Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko na patuloy na pumapatak. Parang nawawala ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. I feel like everything has fallen on me. 

Tumayo ako upang kumuha ng pagkain sa aking refrigerator, kailangan kong ilihis ang aking atensyon sa ibang mga bagay, kailangan kong mag-focus sa aking sarili mula ngayon. That guy who made me like this will regret it soon.

"Ugghh..." I yearn as I taste the creamy and cheesy giant burger and savor the deliciousness in my mouth. This yummy burger can alter my love problem and I deserve to taste this as I forget all the bad things that happened to me at the moment. 

I stood up and went straight out to the radio but damn the song greeted me so well that it would make me cry even more.

It's you, it's always you.

If I'm ever gonna fall in love I know it's gonna be you.

It's you, it's always you.

Met a lot of people, but nobody feels like you.

So, please, don't break my heart.

Don't tear me apart.

I know how it starts.

Trust me: I've been broken before.

Don't break me again.

I am delicate.

Please, don't break my heart.

Trust me, I've been broken before.

Nagsimulang tumulo ang masaganang luha sa gilid ng mata ko. Every lyric seems to crash inside of me. 

I decided to turn it off before I burst into tears.

I just made my way back into the kitchen and started eating again. With every bite, I felt like I was pouring out the pain and hatred.

Pagkatapos kong kumain ay pumasok ako sa banyo at naligo, hinayaan ang tubig na dumaloy sa katawan ko att isang luha na naman ang tumulo mula sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko kayang pigilan ang sarili kong umiyak.

Inabot ng isang oras bago ako nakabihis. Dahan-dahan akong humiga sa aking komportableng kama, iniisip ang nangyari kamakailan na naging dahilan ng muling pag-iyak ko.

Habang patuloy ako sa pag-iyak, may narinig akong boses.

"Thanks to holy God, I thought you were drunk."

I raised my head to see the girl who owned that beautiful voice, it was Cheska, my best friend. She stood up all five feet three inches, with a look of mercy on her pretty face. She placed her phone on the table, pulled out a chair and sat. 

"Bakit hindi ka kumakatok?" Tiningnan ko siya ng malamig sa mata.

Hindi niya pinansin ang sinabi ko at nagtanong siya ng kung anu-ano tungkol sa akin.

"How are you, Samantha?" She asked while pointing out my heart while watching me sobbing.

"I love him even more Cheska," I replied

"Stop crying Sam, come here," She hugged me tightly and tapped my back gently. "Hush, everything will be alright Sam," She comforted me.

"The pain that you have been feeling right now will vanish soon." She said calmly.

"Hindi pa ba ako sapat? Ano bang nagawa kong mali sa relasyon namin?" Sabi ko habang basag ang boses ko dahil sa sakit. 

Unti-unting tumulo ang luha sa mukha ko.

"You have done nothing wrong, Sam," She said

"Then why did he left me?" I asked hoarsely

"Maybe there is someone better than him," She said in a low tone voice.

I sighed at tumango sa sinabi niya

Pagkatapos ng maikling pag-uusap namin, dinala niya ako sa sala. Sinimulan niyang linisin ang bahay ko at nakatitig lang ako sa kanya buong araw na walang ekspresyon sa mukha ko. Alam na alam ni cheska na ayokong gumagawa ng mga gawaing bahay kung may mangyari sa akin na hindi kanais-nais. I can just count on my fingers how many times I blink. I was stunned all day remembering those happy moments that we had. 

May sinabi si cheska pero hindi ko 'yon pinansin. Namalayan ko na lang na nasa harapan ko na siya, tinapik ang balikat ko.

"Sam, I'll be leaving. If you need something please don't hesitate to approach me." She said in a calm voice.

Tahimik siyang umalis bago niya dahan-dahang sinara ang pinto.

Naiwan akong mag-isa, iniisip kung paano ko mapigilan ang sarili kong umiyak. Namayani ang katahimikan sa bawat sulok ng kwartong ito na lalong nagpalungkot sa akin.

I was thinking. What if I burn out all our photos until they become ashes?

Will the pain I feel vanish?

Sa halip na mag-isip ng ganoon, pumunta ako sa kusina at uminom ng mga inuming nakakalasing. Kumuha ako ng baso at nagsalin ng alcohol. Diretso ko itong nilagok sa aking bibig na para bang uhaw na uhaw ako. Wala na akong pakialam sa sarili ko. Iniwan na ako ng lalaking pinakamamahal ko.

Then I poured another shot of drinks into a glass then I immediately drank it. Another one more shot until I feel dizzy.

I look at the ceiling while lying on the cold floor. All I can see is the face of him. How can I remove this pain I feel throughout my system? Do I deserve this kind of pain? 

As I closed my eyes tightly, my breathing was considerably heavy. I promised myself that this would be the last tears. There are no more tears to fall over the same things.

Isinandal ko ang likod ko sa dingding, diniin ang mga braso ko, dahil pakiramdam ko namamanhid ang buong katawan ko.

Baka bukas wala ng luhang patuloy na pumapatak. Ang huling alam ko ay hinahayaan ko ang sarili kong matulog habang dinadala ang bigat sa loob ko.