Chapter 5: I Don’t Want To Lose Him

"I don't want to lose him. I really don't want to lose him." The words slip out of my mouth in a whisper.

Through the bathroom door I can see Hayes asleep on the couch, one arm hanging off the cushion and his mouth slightly open.

He fell asleep halfway through a movie he picked just to make me laugh.

I could tell him. I know I should, because it's the right thing to do. But my mind races ahead to every terrible way it could go, and my breath comes short and tight. What if he walks away? What if he looks at me differently once he knows I'm carrying another man's child? I already lost one man because I decided I knew what he wanted, and I can't survive losing another.

I'm not thinking straight. I know it even while it happens, because my heart is pounding so fast.

The thoughts keep tumbling over each other, and then, out of nowhere, a terrible idea slides into my head, and I'm too panicked to push it away. If Hayes believes we've already been together, then maybe he'll be willing to stay when he finds out about the baby.

I walk into the kitchen and make tea. There's a bottle of sleeping pills in the cabinet that I bought the week I couldn't stop dreaming about my former pack which gives me sleepless nights.

"Don't," I whisper to myself, and my voice cracks. "Auden, don't."

But the panic is louder than my conscience, and it whispers that I only need him to stay. I drop the pill into the cup with trembling fingers, and I stir it until my eyes sting, and I tell myself I'll explain everything as soon as it's safe. I carry the tea to the couch, and Hayes blinks awake, smiling that crooked sleepy smile that makes my stomach twist.

"You made me tea?" His voice is rough with sleep, and he sits up and takes the cup with both hands. "You're too good to me, babe."

I can't answer. I just watch him drink, and every swallow makes me feel sicker. He sets the empty cup on the table and leans his head back against the cushion with a yawn, and a minute later his eyes drift shut.

I stand over him with my hand pressed to my mouth, and the guilt crashes down so hard I almost throw up. I know this is wrong, and I know it from the bottom of my soul, and I did it anyway.

I sit on the floor beside the couch all night, watching his chest rise and fall. When he stirred and groaned in the morning, I scrambled up and perched on the edge of the cushion, my hands twisted together in my lap.

Hayes rubs his face and frowns at the ceiling. "What happened? Why do I feel like I got hit by a truck?"

I can't meet his eyes. I stare at the knot of my fingers and force my voice into something small "We had sex..."

His hand freezes halfway to his head, and he turns to look at me. "What?"

"Last night." I make my cheeks go pink, which isn't hard, because my face is burning with real shame. "You don't remember?"

He stares at me, and I watch him try to piece it together, his brows knitting and his eyes moving over the room like the answer might be written on the walls. "I remember the movie," he says slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. "And the tea. And then I don't know. Gods, I'm sorry. I don't usually black out like that."

"It's okay." I shake my head and keep my gaze on my lap. "It was good."

For a second he just stares at me. Then a slow, wondering smile spreads across his face, and he catches my hand and squeezes it. "Hey. Are you all right? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"I'm fine." I nod, "Really."

He pulls me against his chest and presses a kiss into my hair, and I close my eyes and let him hold me while guilt eats at me from the inside out.

I know I've crossed a line I can never uncross. I took something from him that he doesn't even know is missing, and when the truth comes out, he'll have every right to hate me. But for now, he's here and the lie has worked.

Two weeks later, I can't hide it anymore. I'm sick every morning, and I'm exhausted, and Hayes keeps watching me with that worried little crease between his eyebrows. So one evening I sit across from him at the kitchen table, and I take a deep breath and tell him I'm pregnant.

He doesn't move. He stares at me with his lips parted, and I wait for the anger, or the questions. Instead his whole face lights up like someone flipped a switch, and he shoves his chair back and grabs both my hands. "Are you sure? Auden, are you really sure?"

"I'm sure." I nod, and my eyes sting. "I took four tests."

"Four?" He laughs, holding me so tightly that I can feel his heart pounding against mine. "We're having a baby. Oh, gods. We're having a baby."

He starts talking, and he can't stop. He talks about how he'll learn to cook better, and about the nursery.

I rest my head against his chest and listen to every word, and for a moment I almost forget how we got here. I want this happiness to be real so badly that it hurts, and I want to believe I can keep it.

The next morning he tells me to pack a bag. "We're going on a trip," he announces, grinning at me over his coffee, and he makes sure I'm looking at him when he says it. "Just us. You need to rest, and I want to spoil you."

We spend four days in the city, wandering through luxury stores and eating dinner.

Hayes keeps me laughing the whole time, and he holds my hand in public like he wants the whole world to see it.

I'm looking at a display of tiny knitted hats in a shop window when I hear a voice behind me, low and familiar. I tell myself I'm imagining it, because the mall is loud, and my hearing aid is picking up too many sounds at once. Then someone says my name, clear enough to cut through the noise, and my whole body goes cold.

I turn around slowly. Blaine is standing a few steps away.

He looks different. His suit is wrinkled, and there are dark circles under his eyes. He looks like a man who hasn't slept properly in weeks. Neither of us speaks, and the noise of the mall seems to drop away.

He walks toward me with slow, controlled steps, and his voice comes out low and strained, though his face doesn't change at all. "I've been looking for you since you left. Come back."

I only catch part of it, because a loud group of teenagers laughs behind him. My heart is pounding, and I lean forward with my hand cupped at my ear. "What? Sorry, I couldn't hear. Can you say that again?"

A muscle jumps in his jaw, and he repeats it, but a mall announcement crackles overhead and swallows half the sentence. I shake my head, and my face burns, because I can feel people glancing at us. "I'm sorry. One more time."

He closes the distance between us, and his tone is cold, but he says it slowly with his eyes fixed on my mouth and then my eyes. "I've been looking for you since you left. Come back." He pauses, and the next word sounds like it's being dragged out of him. "Please."

I can't move. I never expected to see him again, and I never expected to hear that word from him. Before I can answer, Hayes steps between us and slides an arm around my waist, and I feel him go rigid against my side.

"Back off." His voice is cold in a way I've never heard from him, and he doesn't look away from Blaine for a second. "He's mine."

The two Alphas stare at each other. Blaine's eyes flick down to Hayes's arm around my waist, and then back up, and his expression goes harder than stone.

I look from one to the other. One is the man I ran away from, and the other is the man I'm desperately trying not to lose, and both of them are looking at me like they're ready to fight for me. My hand moves on its own and settles over my stomach.

This can't be good.