005

Aiah

—

Gusto kong sumugod. Intoxicated by alcohol mixed with my heated anger, it was the perfect combination to do exactly that.

But then, I also surprised myself when I just froze there, not knowing what to do.

They were talking seriously now. Hindi ko tuluyang maiwasang mapatingin sa banda nila. My eyes stayed glued to them.

It was as if I was waiting for them to do it again, just so I could clearly see it this time. Na para bang hindi pa sapat ang isa para maniwala akong nangyari nga. Talagang hinihintay ko pang magkaroon ng pangalawa.

Biglang tumayo si Engr. Santos mula sa kanyang kinauupuan, dahilan para tumayo na rin si Shiloah. But the woman signaled to him that it was okay, kaya muli siyang umupo roon at tahimik na pinanood ang pag-alis ng babae.

I stared at him when he was left alone there.

Is this it? The end of our agreement?

Pero sana sinabi niya! Nilinaw niya man lang sana sa akin! Hindi ‘yong gagawin niya akong mukhang tanga habang nagpapakasasa na pala siya sa iba!

And it hasn’t even been a day since he was just literally inside me.

Ano? Kaninang umaga ako, ngayong gabi iba na? Fuck him!

Maybe I had been staring at him for too lang and he eventually felt it, dahil maya-maya ay napabaling na rin siya sa kinaroonan ko.

Nagkatinginan kami. Ako, tinitingala siya sa itaas, habang siya naman ay dinudungaw ako sa ibaba.

Even with the changing lights, I saw how his jaw dropped the moment he saw me. He immediately stood up, pero marahil tulad ko na hindi makapaniwala, hindi rin siya agad nakagalaw.

For a few seconds, we just stared at each other.

One.

Two.

Three.

Walang gumalaw sa pagitan naming dalawa.

Sa gitna ng aming pagtititigan, tila ba biglang humina ang ingay ng paligid. The loud noise on the dance floor suddenly felt so far away now. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart against my own chest.

Gusto kong iiwas ang tingin at umalis na lang.

It was good that he saw me. Gusto ko rin sanang malaman niya na nakita ko ang halikan nila kanina, pero ang malaman niyang naroon ako ay sapat na sa akin.

Or maybe, I wanted it to be more. But then I realized… gusto ko pa ba talaga siyang komprontahin sa mga oras na ‘to? And did I really have the right to be angry at him?

Maybe… a bit. Maybe I did feel betrayed. But I also had to remind myself that we were not exclusive with each other.

Wala akong karapatan na ipagdamot siya sa iba. Pero bakit iyon ang mismong gusto kong gawin?

I was still in the middle of my haywire thoughts when he finally moved.

Mabilis ang lakad niya palabas ng booth, maging sa pagbaba ng hagdan. Hindi ko sigurado kung lalapit ba siya sa akin o tatakas palayo, pero kitang-kita ko ang pagmamadali sa bawat hakbang niya.

My chest suddenly felt so heavy.

Paulit-ulit kong kinukumbinsi ang sarili na dapat alam ko na mangyayari ‘to. At one point, we would have to stop seeing each other. Dahil bukod sa mali, ipinagbabawal din. That was why we kept it a secret.

And maybe this is that time.

I should just… accept it.

Babalik na rin sana ako sa mga kaibigan ko nang makita na siyang papalapit sa akin. Tulad kanina, imbes na kumilos at maglakad, nanigas akong muli sa aking kinatatayuan.

The flashing lights from the dance floor kept passing over his face, making his expression hard to read. But his eyes never left my eyes. So did mine.

“What are you doing here?” he asked when he finally reached me.

Mababa ang boses niya, pero ramdam ko ang tensyon sa bawat salitang sinambit.

Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na narito na siya sa harapan ko, na hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat na gawin.

Nilingon ko nang bahagya ang pinanggalingan niya bago muling bumaling sa kanya. That was when I remembered.

“Funny,” sagot ko, pero walang kahit anong kasiyahan sa tono. “I was about to ask you the same thing.”

I didn’t know how I managed to say it so calmly without letting my anger show. If anything, I sounded cold despite the hot anger running through my system.

Sandali siyang natahimik at nakatitig lang sa akin. Mapaghanap ang mga mata niya, tila binabasa ako sa gitna ng ingay at magulong ilaw ng bar.

Walang kayo, Aiah. Both of you were just in it for the physical intimacy that you shared. Both of you were just in it because of lust. Hindi ka pwedeng mag-eskandalo dahil lang nakahanap na siya ng ibang papalit sayo.

Paulit-ulit ko iyong pinapaalala sa aking sarili sa bawat segundong kaharap siya.

“You didn’t tell me you’d be here.”

I gritted my teeth but forced myself to stay calm. “I actually did. But you said you were busy, right?”

He sighed, as if only remembering our conversation earlier. Nilingon niya sandali ang paligid.

“Are you here with your friends?”

Pagak akong natawa, bigo na sa sarili dahil hindi ko na maitago ang iritasyon na nararamdaman.

“You know what? Save yourself from this awkward small talk. Hindi naman natin kailangang mag-usap dahil lang nagkita tayo rito.”

Kumunot ang noo niya, sandali ulit na nagtagal ang tingin sa akin.

“What’s wrong with you?” He sounded so worried that I almost believed he meant it.

I smirked. Ah, talagang sa akin pa may mali?

“Just go back where the hell you came from, Shiloah,” iritadong sambit ko, sabay talikod at akmang aalis na.

Ngunit hindi pa man nakakalayo, hinila niya ang braso ko pabalik.

“We’re still talking, Aiah!” mariin niyang sambit. 

Nang mapansing may ilang napapalingon sa banda namin, hinila niya ako sa mas madilim na parte ng bar.

I smiled bitterly.

Because that’s where we belong right? That’s where I belong to him. In dark and hidden places, away from all the people who might see us, or what we had.

Kumirot muli ang puso ko dahil sa naisip. The anger I had been nursing silently finally began to spill as I roughly pulled my arm away from his grip.

“Bakit ba hindi ka na lang bumalik sa babae mo?!” sigaw ko bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili.

Natigilan siya at agad akong nilingon.

“What are you talking—”

Tuluyan na akong lumayo sa kanya. “Oh, so you are going to deny it?”

Something crossed in his eyes, but I was already too mad to even care.

“It’s not what you—”

“Don’t give me that crap, Shiloah! Nakita ko mismo!”

He sighed impatiently, as if what was happening right now was testing his patience.

“Lasing ka na. Ihahatid na kita—”

That’s when I finally had it. Parang may napigtal na kung ano sa akin, at lahat ng pagtitimpi kanina ay naglaho ng parang bula.

I looked at him angrily.

“At ano? Babalik ka rito para sunduin siya? Gagawin mo akong kabit, huh?!”