Did I listen?

We sat for probably an hour. At some point he said, 'You want to talk about it?' I said no. He said, 'Okay.' And that was the whole conversation.

The thing is, I've had people sit with me before. Priya has sat with me. My parents have. It's not like Jordan invented sitting with someone. But there was something about the way he did it. No agenda. No discomfort with the silence. Just completely, quietly, unreservedly there.

I looked at him at some point... sideways, he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at nothing in particular and I thought: oh.

Oh, that's what this is.

And then I thought: well, that's inconvenient.

And then the academy offer came in July and 'inconvenient' became the understatement of my entire life.

'Tell me about him,' Priya said. 'Like, actually. Not the best-friend version. The real version.'

I looked at the ceiling. 'Why?'

'Because you never do. You talk about Jordan the teammate and Jordan the friend and Jordan who said a funny thing, but you never actually talk about...'

'He's steady,' I said. It came out before I'd decided to say it. 'Like, you know how some people are a lot, and you love them but they take energy? Jordan is the opposite. Being around him gives me energy back. I feel more like myself when he's around, not less.' I paused. 'And he's funny, but only if you know him. He does this thing where he says something deadpan and then watches to see if you got it, and when you do he gets this look...' I stopped.

'What look?' Priya said. Quietly, like she was trying not to startle me.

'Like you're the only person in the room who speaks his language.' I pulled at a loose thread on my sock. 'It's a very effective look. I'm very annoyed at it.'

'And he gives you that look.'

'More than he gives it to anyone else. Yeah.'

Priya made a sound that was not quite a word.

'Don't,' I said.

'I didn't say anything.'

'You were about to say something.'

'I was going to say,' she said carefully, 'that I think you should tell him. Before you go. Not to start something complicated, not to create drama going into a new chapter of your life. Just because he deserves to know, and so do you.'

'Know what?'

'That it's mutual.' She said it simply, like it was obvious. Maybe to her it was. 'Nora. He texted you first at the assistant captain thing. He held your hand on the walk home from Danny's party. He sat on a locker room floor with you for an hour saying nothing because that was what you needed. That's not friendship homework. That's someone who—'

'Don't finish that sentence.'

'Why not?'

'Because if you finish it I have to do something about it and I don't know what to do about it.' I looked at her. 'The academy is real. The distance is real. I'm not going to tell him something that makes leaving harder for both of us and then just... leave. That's cruel.'

'Not telling him is also a choice,' Priya said. 'With its own consequences.'

I knew she was right. I knew it the way I knew when a shot was going to beat me... too late to stop it, just in time to watch it happen.

'I know,' I said.

'So?'

'So I need to think.'

She looked at me for a long moment. Then she picked her highlighter back up. 'Okay. Think. But Nora...' She waited until I looked at her. 'Don't think so long that the season ends and you've said nothing. You'll regret that more than the alternative. I promise you will.'

I nodded. Didn't say anything.

She uncapped her highlighter. 'Now. Cellular respiration. Let's go.'

Later, after Priya had gone home and my parents had done their nightly loop of checking in and my house had gone quiet, I lay in bed and looked at my phone.

Jordan had texted at nine-thirty.

[Jordan]: first game in four days. you ready

I smiled at the ceiling.

[Nora]: always. you?

[Jordan]: yeah. little nervous actually

[Nora]: you? nervous?

[Jordan]: first game with the A. feels different

[Nora]: it's going to feel exactly the same once you're on the ice. you know that

[Jordan]: yeah

[Jordan]: hey can I ask you something

My stomach did a small, stupid thing.

[Nora]: yeah

[Jordan]: do you ever get nervous? like actually nervous. before a game

I exhaled. Right. Hockey nervous. That kind of something.

[Nora]: every single time

[Jordan]: really? you never look it

[Nora]: that's the job. you learn to put it somewhere else and deal with it after

[Jordan]: where do you put it

I thought about that. Truthful answer, slightly embarrassing.

[Nora]: I find you in the warm-up. wherever you are on the ice. and then I feel better

Three dots appeared. Stayed for a while.

[Jordan]: yeah?

[Nora]: yeah. don't make it weird

[Jordan]: I'm not making it weird

[Jordan]: I do the same thing

I stared at that for probably thirty seconds.

[Nora]: okay

[Jordan]: okay

[Jordan]: get some sleep, Vasquez. four days

[Nora]: night, A-minus

[Jordan]: still hate that

[Nora]: no you don't

He didn't reply to that. He didn't have to.

I put my phone face-down on the nightstand and looked at the dark ceiling and thought about what Priya had said. About not thinking so long that the season ends.

Four days until the first game.

Somewhere across town, Jordan was probably doing the same thing, lying in the dark, thinking too much, being nervous about something in the careful quiet way he was nervous about things.

I found him in the warm-up. He did the same.

We'd been doing it for two years without ever saying so.

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep and thought: Priya is right. She usually is. I just needed to figure out what to do with right.