NIGHT OF SHAME

LOLA

It was cold.

I'd rather be sleeping as it was quite late too, but I wouldn't dare go against Eddy's order.

Sitting in a corner of the medium-sized room with dim colored lights flickering on and off, I allowed my mind get lost in the way the other guests walked around silently, their fingers clipped to the tail of tall wine glasses, their gaze steady like they were actually meditating on the low Italian music that rumbled gently out of the speakers in the background.

I tried to figure out what their expectations were from their outfits — shiny, casual, skimpy.

It looked like whatever was going to be done tonight would be focused on the women.

I swallowed, but making sure my expression fell back to the default "happy wife" smile.

The world must not know how much I have to bear standing by Eddy's side as his wife. I had to protect Eddy's reputation at all costs.

The pangs of pain from still being trapped in a marriage that felt more like prison clawed at my chest.

I threw my head back as tears twitched against my eye lids, blinking rapidly to sick them all up.

By the time I pulled my head back, my eyes met Eddy's.

He was sitting on the other side of the chair arrangement, directly opposite me.

His gaze was stern and steady and I wondered how long he had been looking at me for.

Like I have always done whenever we were in public, I allowed my expression to dissolve into that practiced smile that couldn't last longer than a second, two seconds at most.

He didn't smile back. I never expected him to.

I watched his lips fall open.

"Watch your actions."

I stared as he muttered the words slowly, silently. He knew I got the message, so he just looked away afterwards, beginning a conversation with another man who had taken the seat behind him.

I watched him for a while as he chatted away excitedly, wholly, like he had no single problem in his life.

I felt uneasiness build up in my stomach. I wasn't very sure I wanted to be here anymore.

The arrangement was somewhat off and for some reason, I felt like Eddy was going to pull a fast one on me.

He never told me about this occasion — an attitude he had picked up just recently, and I knew it was him revolting against my inability to fulfill my own end of that ridiculous bargain.

I tried not to think about it, allowing my thoughts to wander to the incident yesterday, the one that happened with Freddy in the kitchen.

No matter how much I thought about it — the embarrassment of being caught in action, my eyes bleeding desire and my pathetic mind scratching off satisfaction from wherever I could get them — they still made my bones weak.

As far as I could remember, Freddy was walking slowly towards me with this fire in his eyes, but I didn't wait to find out what kind of fire it was.

I couldn't wait. 

I had hurried past him before he was even able to say another word, and I didn't stop until I was inside my room, door locked against my shame which had still managed to remain with me until now.

A sharp pain tugged at my lower abdomen, I couldn't stop myself from gasping, clutching at the empty seat beside me.

I knew this was going to happen when Eddy insisted I wore this outfit.

"If I were you, I would stay out of trouble," he had replied before storming out of the room when I tried to bargain for an outfit change.

"Are you uncomfortable?" a bold controlled voice asked from behind me, causing me to almost jump out of my skin.

I had forgotten I and Eddy were not the only ones in the space.

I had forgotten that the other humans weren't mechanical.

"I'm sorry, but you creeped up on me," I turned sharply to look at the elderly woman, and I couldn't help but gasp at the bling and shine covering her outfit and how strange it made her look.

She must have mistaken my expression for approval, because she suddenly asked if I loved her outfit with a spark growing in her eyes.

I couldn't bring myself to lie to her, at the same time, I didn't want her to feel bad.

So, I nodded a couple times, trying my best to force up a smile.

"Thank you so much," she giggled like a child would upon getting her favorite toy.

It was weird.

The pain that stretched my abdomen attacked again. Immediately, I clutched my stomach with my right hand, holding my breath.

I felt a trickle of sweat travel down my spine, my body shaking to my effort at swallowing the pain.

"I think you need an outfit change. You don't look very comfortable in this one," the woman said, her eyes roaming all over me.

"It's a pity though."

I raised my eyes curiously at her last words.

"I mean, it's the prettiest in the room and I could tell it cost a fortune."

My breathing dipped, an urge to tell her the truth beneath the show tugging at my mind.

"It seemed....," her sharp eyes inspected me more.

"too inappropriate for your body type." 

"I hope you don't mind my bluntness," she chipped in, her eyes searching mine for a reaction.

I swallowed the pain her words had unravelled in my chest.

"What is happening here today?" I managed to ask, my mind racing fast as I watched her stall for a moment, shock lines drawing across her face.

For some reason, the time seemed to go by faster, and I could feel Eddy's stare hot against my back — a silent warning that I might just get embarrassingly pulled out of this conversation soon.

"You don't know?" she asked, her voice a tone lower from surprise.

I returned her an appealing smile.

"We're doing pole dancing," her eyes lightened up like it was the best news.

"Pole dancing?"

My mind raced mindlessly through the series of possibilities that would never be in my favour on a night like this.

"You don't look pleased."

I was going to reply, but my mind's response to high discomfort was to prompt my body to move.

I was already walking away.

"I'm sorry," I muttered absentmindedly, doubting if she had caught that.

I wasn't sure where I was going, but I needed to get away from the space.

Hurriedly, I walked past the guests that looked more like threats now, turning towards a sharp corner that looked empty.

My head was heavy. The thoughts overlapped themselves and panic masked my mind. I kept on walking, the music growing dim behind me, until I stopped abruptly in front of a door.

I was thinking of so many things at the same time, I wasn't aware of my surroundings. I didn't see the man that had pushed the door opened until I slammed into him.