CHAPTER 2

Amelia Sinclair

My life had been falling apart for years. I just hadn't realized how far it had fallen until the latest debt notice arrived.

Nakapatong ang puting sobre sa mesa ng aming kusina nang umuwi ako. Nakasiksik ito sa ilalim ng basag na ashtray na madalas gamitin nang aking ama tuwing humihipak ito ng sigarilyo noong nabubuhay pa siya.

Alam ko na agad ang nakapaloob dito dahil hindi na naman ako nakapagbayad noong nakaraang buwan. It was another reminder that no matter how hard I worked, I was getting nowhere.

Ilang sandali akong napatitig sa sobre bago ko tuluyang ibinagsak sa upuan ang lumang-luma kong handbag.

My entire body ached. I worked as a convenience store clerk, where I took morning and afternoon shifts. Nagtatrabaho din ako part-time sa ilang pamilya sa loob ng malapit na exlusive subdivision, taking whatever cleaning jobs I could get.

Hinila ko ang isang plastic na upuan at umupo dito.

Hindi ko agad binuksan ang sobreng nasa harap ko. I didn't want to. I already knew that whatever number was printed inside would be more than I could afford to pay. Maybe if I didn't look at it, it wouldn't be real. Maybe if I left it unopened long enough, the problem would somehow disappear. It was stupid, I know. Poverty had taught me to cling to stupid hopes.

But even ignorance was a luxury I could not afford. Sa huli, pinunit ko ang sobre para buksan ito. My eyes moved across the page.

My stomach dropped when I saw the amount.

"Jusko po."

Nanginig ang kamay ko. Hinayaan kong mahulog ang papel sa mesa.

Sumandal ako sa upuan at tinakpan ng dalawang kamay ang mukha ko. Kahit siguro hindi na ako matulog at mangulobot ang balat ko sa kakatrabaho, hindi ko pa rin mababayaran ang lahat ng utang namin. My father had made sure of that.

The thought of my father alone made something bitter settle in my chest.

Once upon a time, I used to think he was the best man in the world. Noong bata pa ako, akala ko ay kayang ayusin ni Papa ang kahit ano.

A broken toy?

Papa could fix it.

A nightmare?

Papa would sit beside my bed until I fell asleep.

A bad day?

He would bring home my favorite food and tell me everything would be okay. And, for a while, everything had been okay.

We weren't always like this. Hindi ako pinanganak na mahirap. Iyon ang parte nang buhay ko na kailanman ay hindi ko maintindihan.

I remembered our old house. It was large enough for all of us to have our own rooms, with polished floors and furniture my mother wouldn't let us touch with dirty hands. May backyard pool pa nga kami na halos sipunin na ako dahil ayaw kong umahon.

I remembered being a child and never once worrying about whether we would have enough money for tomorrow. Back then, I thought that was what life was supposed to be.

Then everything changed. Our family went bankrupt. Masyado pa akong bata noon para maunawaan kung ano ang ibig sabihin nito. All I understood was that things started disappearing one by one.

My father sold the car collection he loved so much. The vacations we used to take so often became less frequent until, eventually, we couldn't even afford to leave the country anymore. Our big house with its swimming pool was sold, too. We moved into a much smaller house. Pagkatapos, nagbago ang mga taong nasa paligid namin. My chilhood friends who used to visit our house stopped coming. Itinuring nila na tila ang kasamaang-palad na dinanas ng pamilya namin ay isang nakakahawang sakit.

My father started spending more and more time on his phone. He would make call after call, his voice growing increasingly frustrated whenever someone refused to help him. Sometimes, he would sit alone for hours, staring at nothing.

Naging madalas din ang pagtatalo nila ni Mama. At first, they tried to keep their voices low whenever my brother and I were nearby. But eventually, they stopped trying.

They looked tired all the time. They were miserable.

Then the bills came. So many bills.

One debt became two. Two became five.

Then there were too many for anyone to count.

I never understood how it happened. My father didn't gamble. He didn't smoke either, at least not when I was growing up. He drank occasionally, but only during celebrations or business dinners. But perhaps I never really knew my father at all. He never gave me enough time to.

After losing everything, he started smoking and drinking. Sa halip na maghanap ng mga paraan upang mapabuti ang ating buhay, he chose to numb the pain of losing the life he had worked so hard to build.

I was seventeen when my father died from depression.

Hanggang ngayon ay malinaw pa rin sa aking alaala kung paano namin siya natagpuang walang malay sa loob ng banyo. My mother fell to her knees while my brother's cries echoed all over the place. It was I who called the ambulance.

It was something none of us could ever forget. It was traumatic for all of us.

For years afterward, I couldn't stand the sound of a bathroom door locking. It would always make my chest tighten.

At katulad ng gawain ng isang mabuting ama, he had apparently decided to leave his grieving family with a mountain of unpaid debts and no explanation for how everything had gotten so bad.

He was gone. But his debts remained. And somehow, the rest of us were left to pay for them.

I lowered my hands and stared at the notice again. My lips curled bitterly.

"Thanks, Pa. Sobrang selfish mo."

The words came out quietly. I hated myself for saying them. But I hated him more for making me say them.

Sobrang unfair lang. Bakit kaming naiwan ang kailangan magdusa?

Kahit gustuhin ko mang maghanap ng magandang trabaho kung saan malaki ang kikitain ko, it would be almost impossible without a college degree.

When our finances collapsed, continuing college became a luxury we simply couldn't afford. My younger brother was still in school, and someone had to make sure at least one of us could finish. So I sacrificed.

Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na pansamantala lang ito. Just until things got better. But things never got better. Now, my younger brother was already in his second year of college, and I was working two jobs just to keep him there.

I didn't resent him. I never would.

If anything, he was one of the reasons why I kept going. Gusto kong magkaroon siya ng magandang buhay na hindi ko naranasan. Gusto kong makapagtapos siya ng pag-aaral at makahanap ng disenteng trabaho. I wanted him to leave this place without having to carry our family's debts on his back.

My mother was doing everything she could, too. Nagtatrabaho siya bilang labandera para sa mga mayayamang pamilyang nakatira sa subdivision na malapit. Siya ang tumayong ama at ina sa aming magkapatid.

Pero tumatanda na siya, at hindi naman puwedeng habang buhay siyang magtrabaho. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, mas gugustuhin kong manatili na lang siya sa bahay. Lalo na ngayon na mayroon na siyang osteoarthritis. Hindi niya man sinasabi sa akin, pero alam kong nag-iinda siya ng sakit. Madalas, umuuwi siyang namumula at namamaga ang mga kamay dahil sa maghapong pagkukusot ng mga damit.

Ginala ko ang tingin sa maliit naming kusina. Halos panot na ang pintura sa buong bahay. The old refrigerator was still making that irritating humming sound it had made for years. Even the plastic chair I was sitting on had a broken backrest that my brother had tried, and failed, to repair with electrical tape. The dining table was old and scratched, but it was where we ate our meals and where my brother did his homework. Everything inside our house looked worn and old.

Pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako nagtatrabaho para mabuhay at nagtatrabaho na lang para bayaran ang utang ng ama ko. My father had sure fucked us up for life.

Nang makarinig ako ng mga yabag na papalapit sa kusina, I quickly folded the notice and slipped it back inside the envelope.

"Amelia?" bosses iyon ni Mama.

I immediately straightened and forced a smile onto my face.

"Nandito ako sa kusina, 'Ma!"

She appeared in the doorway, wearing the faded blouse and long skirt she used for work. Namumungay ang mga mata niya, tila kagigising lang mula sa pagkakaidlip.

Agad na napako ang tingin niya sa sobreng hawak ko. Bumagsak ang kanyang mga balikat.

"Anong sabi?"

"Wala po. Reminder lang ulit." Nagkibit-balikat ako, trying to sound as casual as possible.

Alam niyang hindi ako nagsasabi ng totoo. Sunod-sunod ang naging bayarin namin nitong mga nakaraang buwan. Mula sa gastusin ng kapatid ko sa school, sa mga gamot niya, hanggang sa mga expenses namin sa bahay. I had failed to pay our debts multiple times.

Her eyes dropped to the envelope again.

"Magkano ang babayaran ngayong buwan? Baka puwede akong humiram kina Eva," tukoy niya sa isa sa mga pinagtatrabahuhan niya.

Tila napantig ang tainga ko sa narinig kaya agad akong umiling ng sunod-sunod.

"Huwag po, Ma. Hindi tayo mangungutang para bayaran ang utang. Baka masanay tayo, at mas lalo lang lumala ang sitwasyon natin," mariin ang pagkakasabi ko, although I knew my words sounded more like a desperate plea.

"Amelia..." She tilted her head, her expression softening as though she was pleading with me to reconsider.

Muli akong umiling.

"Basta gagawan ko po 'to ng paraan, okay?" I gave her another smile. "Basta hindi tayo mangungutang."

"Paano?"

I fell silent. Hindi ako makasagot dahil hindi ko rin alam.

I looked down at the debt notice between us, then at my mother's tired face.

She lowered her gaze, her fingers nervously twisting the hem of her blouse.

"I'm sorry, anak. Dahil sa naging kapabayaan ng ama mo, ikaw ang sumasalo ng lahat ng problema natin." Her voice was quiet, thick with guilt. "Pasensya na kung nagiging pabigat ako imbes na makatulong."

Napahugot ako ng hininga.

I hated hearing her blame herself.

I stood and picked up the envelope, slipping it into the pocket of my shorts.

Then, I reached for her rough hand.

"Ma, hindi. Huwag mong sisihin ang sarili mo. Wala kang kasalanan." I said softly, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "Ina kita. Kailanman ay hindi ka magiging pabigat."

She looked at me for a moment, her eyes filled with guilt and worry. I gave her another reassuring smile, even though deep down, I had no idea how I was going to make it work.

"Huwag mo na alalahanin 'to, Ma. Kung kailangan kong maghanap ng panibagong trabaho para makabayad tayo, gagawin ko. Ako na ang bahala, hmm?"

Ilang segundo lang siyang nanatili sa magkahawak naming mga kamay. Then she gave a small, defeated nod.

"May niluto na akong ulam. Nakakain na kami ng kapatid mo. Kumain ka kapag gutom ka na."

"Sige po. Magbibihis lang ako."

Pagkapasok ko sa kwarto, isinara ko ang p***o at agad na hinugot ang sobre sa bulsa ko. I sat on the edge of my bed and opened it again.

My eyes immediately landed on the amount printed near the top of the page.

AMOUNT DUE NEXT MONTH: ₱185,000.00

My stomach dropped. Muling nanginig ang mga kamay ko.

I stared at the words below until they blurred before my eyes.

FINAL DEMAND FOR PAYMENT

The outstanding amount represents accumulated unpaid monthly installments due to multiple months of missed payments.

The above amount must be settled in full by next month.

Failure to settle the amount within the specified period may result in further collection efforts and legal action.

My fingers tightened around the paper. I let out a quiet, humorless laugh.

Putangina lang.

Hirap na hirap na nga akong magbayad ng pang-isang buwan lang na hulog, and now they expected me to come up with ₱185,000 by next month.

Where the hell was I supposed to get that kind of money?