Chapter 1: Faded

CHAPTER 1 : Faded

The flickering lights from the lamp illuminated my four cornered room as I pull it's switch continuously to disturb myself from unwanted thoughts. Being alone in the middle of the night gives excruciating chills to my system and I never get used to it.

Tanging ang lampara lamang ang nagbibigay ng liwanag sa kwarto at ang pagpatay sindi ko nito ay mas lalong nagbigay ng nakakatakot na pakiramdam. Isang bagay na dapat ay matagal ko ng nakasanayan. Sa bawat pagbukas ng ilaw ay iba't ibang klase ng imahe ang lumilitaw sa pagitan ng aking alaala. Bawat pagpatay nito ay ang pagbabalik tanaw ko sa dilim na dati ko ng pinamamahayan.

You know living in a dark and lonely room is quiet scary but you have to stay inside cause that's where you grow up, that's where you only find comfort and peace, and at the same time pain.

"Aera! Balita ko top achiever ka? What rank?" - Naaalala ko pang pagbubukas ni mommy ng usapan sa gitna ng hapag kainan noong mga panahon nandito pa si daddy.

Lumiwanag ang mukha ng labing apat na taong gulang kong sarili at nagagalak na iminungkahi ang ranggo ko sa paaralan.

"Yes mommy! I'm top 3!" 

"Top 3 lang? For goodness sake Aera that's not even a thing to be proud of! When I was at your age? I dominated the ranking of our class!" - may disgusto sa boses ni mommy nang sabihin iyon.

Napayuko naman ang batang ako.

"Hon that's enough! Bata lang si Aera she's still learning. Im sure she's going to ace it next quarter. Diba sweetheart?" - Pang-aalo ni daddy sa bata kong sarili. I could still vividly remember how my eyes gleamed with hope, thinking na may kakampi ako sa loob ng bahay.

Tinanguan ko si daddy that time at nginitian ito ng bahagya.

"See?" - saad ni dady kay mommy.

"Whatever! Kaya lumalaki ang ulo ng batang yan eh" - banat pa ni mommy ngunit binalewala lamang ito ni daddy.

"Still a good job to you sweetheart! Anong gusto mong gift?" - baling sa akin ni daddy.

"A book!" - masaya ko pang sagot dito.

Remembering those good old days never falter to make me smile, in pain. Knowing na kahit anong gunita ko ay hindi na ito maibabalik pa, kahit kailan. 

"Ohhh! Love! Faster! Pleaseee. That's ahhh goood! Hmmm" 

Tanghali noon ng napagpasyahan kong umuwi galing sa paaralan dahil walang pasok. I was approaching my room when I heard those weird sounds kaya napagpasyahan ko itong hanapin. Only to be lead in my parent's room. The door was slightly open so I decided to peep.

Natakpan ko ang bibig ko ng mapagtanto kung sino ang nasa kwarto at ano ang ginagawa ng dalawang tao sa loob ng kwarto.

It was my dad and his secretary, Ms. Grace. And guess what? 

They're having sex.

Ayaw paniwalaan ng bata kong isip na nagtaksil si daddy kay mommy. Ayaw tanggapin ng batang ako na sa likod ng lalaking hinahangaan ko ng husto ay isa palang taong may kakayahang gumawa ng masama.

Tanggapin ko man o hindi, my father is not a saint, he's a sinner and a cheater in the making.

Lagi nalang ganoon, lagi ko nalang silang nahuhuli dalawa without them knowing. And I always shut my mouth, not to protect my father but to not hurt my mom. Malupit man siyang ina for pressuring me so much with my studies but she always make sure that Im doing well. That I'm okay. She always make sure I've got to be fine wherever I go. She's not gentle with words but her actions speak a lot. And I know how much she loves my father. Nakikita ko kung paano halos sambahin niya ang aking ama. I'm afraid that what my father is doing, break my mom. I'm afraid she might lost it.

But then again, walang sekretong hindi nabubunyag. Walang baho na hindi nangangamoy.

Kakababa ko palang sa sasakyan that time and I'm still wearing my uniform nang makarinig ako ng sigawan. And one voice I recognized is from my mother. Dali dali akong tumakbo sa pinanggalingan ng tinig. It lead me to my parents room. As I saw the commotion, my teenager mind already knows what's happening. Balot ng kumot ang sekretarya ng aking ama at nakasuot lamang ng pang ibaba ang huli. My mom was very furious in front of them.

"GET OUT! OUT!" - Nanggagalaiting sigaw ni mommy. When the secretary didn't even moved a bit ay hindi na nakapagtimpi si mommy at sinugod ito.

"I SAID GET OUT! YOU BITCH!!!" - Sumisigaw ang aking ina habang nakikipagsabunutan sa babae. My dad tried to stop his mistress and I tried to stop my mom. Nagtagumpay kaming paghiwalayin sila.

"HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME! FELICIANO!" - sumbat pa ni mommy kay daddy.

All my daddy said was " I'm sorry" and that angered my mother more.

" SORRY? I DON'T NEED THAT! MAMILI KA FELICIANO! AKO AT ANG ANAK MO? O ANG MALANDING BABAE MO?" 

" I'm sorry" 

That's what all my father said. Nang sabihin niya iyon, pareho na naming alam ni mommy kung ano ang ibig sabihin noon.

He's choosing the other girl.

My mom broke down. I saw how my mom tried to plead to my father to stay. I saw how my mom kneeled, begged even, but no use. My father still choose to leave without even glancing back.

Yakap ko si ina nang mga panahong iyon habang tinatanaw papalayo ang aking ama. Nagbabakasakaling lilingon siya. Nagbabakasakaling babalik sya. Na hindi naman nangyari. And there left in that room is my grieving mother and my broken heart. 

Sa ganoong paraan nawala sa amin ang aking ama. And no one ever knew how hell our life have become after that.

Mom lose her self, I lose my Mom. She's always busy, always out, always away and I'm left in here, Alone.

Ang pagpatak ng isang butil ng tubig ang siyang nagbalik sa akin sa madilim na silid na kinalulugmukan ko. Hindi ko man lang namalayang umiiyak na pala ako while remembering the past. There were times when the eyes acts to itself. It does not know you're sad but it pours droplets of water when you are. Living like this, knowing you're living but not really, chokes the hell out of me. Ba't ba kasi kailangan ko pang magdusa kung pwede ko namang tapusin lahat ng ito.

Tapusin?

Tama, tatapusin ko na ang lahat ng ito.

I rummaged my bed side table looking for the friend, most fit to do the job.

Blade

I could not contain the thrill in me when I finally found it. Nagniningning ang mga matang hinawakan ko ito. 

'little friend would you help me end my sufferings?'

Mahina kong usal.

I scanned my wrist for that thing they called 'radial artery' - a wrist artery that when you cut, it immediately do its job. One study says I had to cut it lenghtwise. 

Parihaba kong ipinwesto ang talim ng blade sa aking palapulsuhan. At dahan dahan itong inihiwa sa manipis na laman.

Images of my mom at her weakest point flashed before my eyes. Droplets of tears fell over my face. I know Im doing everything wrong. But could you blame me? If the only thing to satisfy my thirst for freedom is the sharp object Im holding?

I could feel how blood slips out the thin but deep line drawing through my wrist. I could feel how dizziness take over my sanity. I could feel how I fell down to the floor. Blade in between my fingertips, wrist emitting blood, and life slowly fading away.

Sometimes in order to be free is to accept death. Because it is only where true freedom comes. 

Napangiti ako ng mapait sa napagtanto ko. Hanggang kailan ibibigay ng mundo ang pagpipiliang pagpanaw at pagdurusa para sa aming nangangailangan ng liwanag at saya?

Before I could finally drift into a complete oblivion, A terrifying scream breaks the ice inside my room,and everything went black.